Fleaflyfloflum

Spot on C!

I am a grandmother so feel qualified to comment!

I am moving hell and earth to try to get back to my granchildren. I feel extremely lucky to have been heavily involved with them since birth which meant i formed an intense bond with them. So much so, it physically hurts sometimes not being there with them.
BUT, and this is a big but. That is my CHOICE. I want to be a hands on grandma. In fact it will be the mainstay of my new life once i get back, but it doesnt mean that because other people who have gone through the years of raising their own children have to be joined at the hip to the next set of offspring that come along. Are we not allowed to enjoy and branch out in our own lives after the many years of child rearing of we so wish?
I have always considered it one of the big priveliges earnt becoming a grandparent, is the choice you have. It is not our responibility to bring up your children or be heavily involved, it is our CHOICE if we choose it!
We have no legal or moral obligation, just a sense of love and desire to do it, which for me makes it even better than rearing my own children. Doesnt mean all grandparents have to!

moneypenny20

I totally agree but my mother is the exception that proves your rule (and she's not alone apparently). To her, grandchildren are things that she will look at, smile at sometimes and that's it. She doesn't have a life, well not one that anyone around her can see. Some of her grandchildren think she's lovely and kind but the majority see a grumpy lady who seems to be unable to hold a conversation or show any interest in their lives or even respond if they show an interest in hers. Some people are like that unfortunately. But by being like that, they can have no justification for pressing the guilt button and alleging they will miss their grandchildren.

Luckily my two have a fab set of grandparents in my husband's mum and step dad which unfortunately highlights the negatives of the other grandmother.

Oh, she wasn't interested in some of her own children either so her attitude didn't come as any surprise to me or my brother. Not bitter or twisted, I've got over that, just pointing out that maybe sometimes 'negligent' is the correct term.

Safin

I didn't mean that she should devote her life to my kids or she shouldn't put herself first just that she is saying one thing - i miss them, i love them, i want to see them more etc - and doing another - being given the opportunity to see them and be involved but not taking it.

And no matter how cross I am at her for guilt tripping me and not taking the money to come visit I feel guilty as it was my choice to leave uk - even though her lack of involvement was a factor that let me make that choice.

And the guilt isn't just for her it's for the kids not having that grandparent (and the others) relationship

Fleaflyfloflum

Well, I accpet she may have been negligent in her relationship and obligations to you and your brother as a mother because she does have a responsibility to you. I can also relate to this as my own mother abandoned my sister and I when we were babies and it was my grandparents who legally adopted and raisd us.
But I do not feel negligent can be used in relation to a grandparents involvement. We do not have legal rights or responsibilites to any of these children so how can you be negligent?

When I was over there, a friend invited me out to dinner one Saturday and my daughter complained because she had wanted me to babysit but didnt think to ask me in advance.... tongue in cheek she retorted "but you HAVE to mother you are the granny!!"
To which i replied... "when you were deciding to have these children did you come ask me for permission or ask for my blessing?"... no?... well then, I am entitled to the good bits and you get to to the hard yards!"

TMRE

I got the same reply when I asked my mum to babysit. First time since my nearly 3 year old was born. Feeling ill and needed to go to the doctors and ended up taking daughter with me as she was "going to exchange some clothes that don't fit for a party next week"

Safin

thats just my point - moans they aren't there now but they were never convienient for her then.

No grandmothers don't have responsibility and are entitled to their lives but can't have it both ways.

Fleaflyfloflum

Awww... sorry to hear that. I wouldnt have said no under those circumstances. My daughter just wanted a night out with pals.

I love looking after them. In fact I even got into trouble with one daughter. The little girl in my avatar is one of my grandaughters. She was born with club feet and other foot deformities. I got very heavily attached to this kid. I even held her in the operating theatre when she was 10 weeks old whilst they put her to sleep for the first of many ops she will have on them because my daughter was too upset to go in.
Over the few months i was there the baby became very attached to me which ended up with my daughter getting jealous of my relationship with her. I was mortified!! We ae ok now, but i had to try to distance myself a bit so as not to upset my daughter anymore, which was very hard.
On the onehand she was wanting and needing my help, but on the other disliking the special bond me and the baby developed with each other.

***sigh*** kids eh?... cant do right for wrong sometimes....

northernbird

This is exactly why we never ask for help and never have done. I would rather pay someone than ask and be turned down.

lollyno1

couldnt agree more!

Jan4kids

It feels selfish when you are an only child and your elderly Mum is in Hospital suffering from Stomach Cancer....even though she makes it clear (time and time again) that she gives us her blessing and she is 100% supportive of our move. She's visited us 3 times in the four years we have been here.....and believes we have done the best thing for ourselves.

She was supposed to join us here.....but that's another story

So, I am suffering purely with my own guilt at the moment, my Mum is calm and comfortable insisting that I don't come over and rush around and worry and that she is 'fine' (now less than 38 kilos/6 stone :0( ) I think she just plans to fade away, saving me the emotions of seeing her so ill. God Bless you Mum.

This is the ultimate awful downside to moving so far away from your family and a sadly enevitable part of the emigration story.... Think long and hard and try to put yourself in my shoes

It sure does suck right now.

Please make sure you are doing it for the right reasons for your situation, and be sure that you cannot recreate that 'perfect life' by simply moving within the U.K and making a few adjustments to your lifestyle. Run to Australia, not away from the U.K. If you love your large extended family to bits and see them regulary you will struggle....friendships/bonds made in a lifetime cannot be simply replaced in a matter of months.

Four years on, with an Interstate move under our belts too ( newly forged friendships lost once again ) I am at last feeling at home,and part of life, but given my time again. I'm not sure I would do this to myself again.

Think long and hard, and don't just go along for the ride on someone elses dream. You don't have to go through with it, just because you started, and yes it is exciting to 'boast' to friends about your big move to Australia and get all the 'I wish it were me 'and 'oooh! you are brave' comments, because it all seems a little bit shallow once your sat in your echoey open plan 'home' with only the Utility companies ringing you for company whilst you miss out on all those seemingly dreary yet fulfilling things that made 'your life' when you were surrounded by friends and family who knew you

Jan (yes a little bitter,yes having an emotional day but trying to get on with it....kind of)

Fleaflyfloflum

Oh no!! I'm so sorry to hear this. I met your mum didnt I Jan?
Thats horrible news and i feel for you.

username 34

I dont think its selfish .... I think its sad.

but we dont live our lives (and provide for our family) sticking close by rellies, our life, job opportunities and prospoects are 10 times better outside the UK - theres no way I would sacrifice my husbands career ambitions, our kids chance for excellent private schooling, our truly happy and very healthy way of life, our enhanced lifestyle, our financial security ......

would I swop all that to go back to being close to mum and dad so they could see the kids every week - NO - because we'd be:

strapped for cash (if we're stressed the kids feel that emotion very much), dh's career has a limit in the UK and that would make him VERY miserable and frustrated, I would have to work again (not be the stay at home mum I am now which the kids and I love as we are so close), kids would be at the mercy of local school catchment areas ( I like and respect having a choice of where to educate my kids), outdoor lifestyle (many people pooh pooh that but my boys are ultra healthy because of it, never get ill and are very fit),

is it selfish ..... NO, my dh and kids are my MAIN concern and I would not give up on a far better life to live close to family.

and as a side note - I'm fed up with the guilt trips from some people about not seeing them as they're in the UK (this doesnt include my parents as they travel to us alot) .... these people all travel, they all vacation during the year, and yet they expect US to travel yearly to the UK and visit them, not the other way round.

The Atlantic goes both ways you know and is hardly like flying to Oz ..... selfish .... give me a break, its a wonderful excuse for many people to pile on the guilt trip. If they got offered the life we did they'd be gone like a shot!!

Jan4kids

Yes Flea, I believe you did....at the all you can eat place in Somerton Park?? (name escapes me just now...ah ha! 'Fresh Choice'!!)

Lovely lady my Mum. We don't always see eye to eye, but she's still my Mum eh?

I have been following your plight and my best wishes go out to you too and I really hope that you find yourself hugging your Grandkids again really soon :0)

Take care you hear and look after yourself,

Jan x

helgaw1965

I could have written this. This is exactly why we are going home next July. On the upside we'll enjoy our year in Oz until we go.

annqldau

Don't forget in all of this the family have the choice to follow you (although that's not always a bonus) then they are not left behind. Especially if you can prove balance of family in Aus.