Sarcasm
Apr 30th 2008, 10:39 am
#1
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: Bourenmouth, Dorset.
Posts: 1,029
Sarcasm
Received this in an email today, thought I'd share....................
Johnnyyt
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and
as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will
end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them
has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on
speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely
to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating
the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
There are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat
Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing
the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the
matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and
when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on
his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the ParDock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you can feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
Johnnyyt
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and
as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will
end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them
has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on
speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely
to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating
the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
There are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat
Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing
the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the
matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and
when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on
his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the ParDock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you can feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
Apr 30th 2008, 10:43 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: kernow
Posts: 402
Re: Sarcasm
Thank god for this wonderful SOH should fit in with the Ozzies fine
Apr 30th 2008, 11:49 am
#3
On the Dark Side :-)
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: South Wales to New South Wales!
Posts: 3,065
Re: Sarcasm
Thats bloody brilliant.......sarcasm at its best!! My favourite form of humour 
Apr 30th 2008, 11:54 am
#4
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Apr 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 6,135
Re: Sarcasm
Received this in an email today, thought I'd share....................
Johnnyyt
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and
as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will
end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them
has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on
speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely
to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating
the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
There are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat
Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing
the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the
matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and
when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on
his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the ParDock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you can feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
Johnnyyt
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and
as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will
end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them
has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on
speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely
to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating
the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when
There are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat
Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing
the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the
matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and
when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will
forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on
his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the ParDock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you can feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
Apr 30th 2008, 12:26 pm
#5
happy to be here!
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Ellenbrook, WA
Posts: 2,732
Re: Sarcasm
PMSL at that, especially the bit about walking abortions and that he'd just decorated the kitchen 
Apr 30th 2008, 3:56 pm
#6
Who's the nanny?
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Lancashire UK
Posts: 445
Re: Sarcasm
pml i love it
i love it
Apr 30th 2008, 4:26 pm
#7
a bit nearer
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: s.wales old not new
Posts: 70
Re: Sarcasm
Class Absolute class
Apr 30th 2008, 4:35 pm
#8
Living the dream :)
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Little Mountain, Sunshine Coast
Posts: 1,262
Apr 30th 2008, 5:20 pm
#9
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 687
Re: Sarcasm
Bloody fantastic
Apr 30th 2008, 8:04 pm
#10
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: A Small Village in Somerset.......out in the sticks
Posts: 1,476
Re: Sarcasm
Thought that was bloody fantastic!!! 
Wish i had a way with words like that......good on yah!!
Wish i had a way with words like that......good on yah!!
Apr 30th 2008, 9:01 pm
#11
Account Closed
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,693
Re: Sarcasm
[[/QUOTE]
Superb..
Why do you only see "plastic police " ( community officers) during the day, all the youth shit happens at night- NU Labour/ more failure.
Superb..
Why do you only see "plastic police " ( community officers) during the day, all the youth shit happens at night- NU Labour/ more failure.
Apr 30th 2008, 9:54 pm
#12
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Ferny Grove
Posts: 1,496
Re: Sarcasm
Bloody fantastic - the irony is that as I just read that to OH all we can hear outside is a bunch of, as was so beautifully put, failed medical experiments shouting "***** off" and screeching at each other for the sake of making noise while kicking a football against the shop shutters 
Apr 30th 2008, 10:10 pm
#13
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 1,343
Re: Sarcasm
FPMSL
Apr 30th 2008, 10:52 pm
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: From SE Wales to SE Queensland.
Posts: 1,478
Re: Sarcasm
I can almost visualise Basil Fawlty saying all that!! I love British sarcasm!! Thats one of the best!!
May 1st 2008, 12:57 am
#15
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 9,397
Re: Sarcasm
We need this man out in Oz, where the ferals are at least as bad. But them sarcasm probably wouldn't work....