haggis supper

Many of you wonderful people were kind enough to send me karma, encouragement and feedback recently when I posted about contemplating divorce. Sadly, despite a huge effort on my part to reconcile things, Mrs Haggis told me last night that it is finally over. Probably the saddest and darkest moment of my life.

However, at least the endless waiting is over so I guess I can start to move on.

I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts and advice from folks who have separated/divorced and what I now need to do. I found out last night that money she's been making for the last few months has been paid into an account she opened without telling me. Having spent $6k last month for her and the kids to go back to the UK in September this has really pissed me off so I suspect that things could get messy quite quickly.

Do I need to contact a lawyer now? What typically happens to finances when a couple divorce? We're going to sell the house so how is the money divided? We have kids aged 10 and 12 that I desperately want to see on a regular basis so is it likely that I could be awarded joint custody and how does that work ?

All help and advice is much appreciated !!

Thanks awfully
Col

DadAgain

Ok first things first: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice.

Australia has "No Fault Divorce" - this means being divorced does not automatically mean someone is blamed and has to 'pay' for the damage caused.

If you went to court, all assets and liabilities (including superannuation) will be considered joint property of the marriage and will be divided appropriately. In cases where children are involved the general rule of thumb is the money follows the kids.

On first glance this seems bad for the guys.

However - rules have changed to focus on children and any reasonable parent has a good chance of claiming that they should be involved in parenting on shared 50/50 basis. The days of dads having to live away from their kids and only see them on alternate weekends are thankfully over.

If there is a disparity in income, or a disparity in the amount of care you have of your children you or your ex may be entitled to claim child support payments. The link below is a great calculator to work out how much anyone would be required to pay.

http://www.humanservices.gov.au/cust...pport-payments.

You can chose to have the CSA chase up for payments - or if amicable you can opt to reach a private agreement of how funds should be exchanged.

If you can reach amicable agreements for everything then you will potential save yourselves $20-$30K in legal fees for arguing who gets what. Talk about what you both think you're going to get and if you are even CLOSE to agreeing then avoid getting legal. (Talk to a lawyer to understand what you might get if it went to court - make the most of the 'free' consultation time but avoid paying them. Its bad enough dividing your assets 2 ways - don't divide them 4 ways! [2 lawyers + 2 clients]).

Relationships Australia run a "mediation" service - whereby (for free) they sit down and help you nut out the details and reach an agreement. If you chose you can then use that agreement as the basis of legally binding court orders and lodge them with the court for a few hundred dollars. If there's ANY chance of doing this instead of funding lawyers I'd say seize the opportunity. I think you have to have attempted mediation and failed before the courts will allow you to argue the expensive way anyway!

Good luck anyway - its a shitty time, very stressful and very lonely.

ozzieeagle

Good luck mate

Is there any way humanly possible you can afford to pay her out.... Hence you stay stable and in the house, thats good for the kids it also gives you a lot of power/stablity and a feeling of self worth. It will also give you something solid to focus on during some turbid times.

Brace yourself for more possible bad news.. its obviously been planned... Hopefully I'm wrong re the news..

I had a very close mate achieve the seemingly impossible by taking this action.

irishbloo

Good Luck.I hope it all goes as smooth as possible.No expert advice apart hang in there.It will get better.There is nothing to be gained staying in an unhappy marriage.I hope you can all move forward.

Cosmo Knott

You've already had some good advice above. Just hang on in there, stay strong and take one day at a time. Otherwise things may feel very overwhelming.Don't feel embarrassed asking for support.

GarryP

You already have the answer as to how she will play this, via her actions.

Yes get a free consultation with a lawyer, and be very careful what you do or say from here out. Expect that she will attempt to take you to the cleaners and blame you for everything, including things you haven't done. Gather evidence.

Agreeing between yourselves is preferable, but I somehow doubt she will take that route. Indeed, I'd assume she has already got a lawyer, has made up a dossier, and has a list of demands much of which will shock/appal.

There is a reason why divorces are considered one of the most stressful things you can go through.

brissybee

If you need some free of charge advice you might find the Mens Rights Agency is a good starting place.

http://mensrights.com.au/

If you make an agreement through the Child Support Agency for any child support payments, be very sure to ensure you are not liable for a specified regular amount which continues to be owing even if you become unemployed or can't work for any reason.

50/50 custody is the norm for child care now - if you want it and/or can do it.

Don't be taken advantage of... or take advantage of...

There will be happy days ahead.

Good Luck.

TiddlyPom

This is all good advice.

You can't go to court in Australia without first going through mediation at a parenting facility so even if you get advice now, you'll end up still having to mediate. It's free.

You can also go to your Community Justice Centre for mediation - it's free.

Does sound like she's been expecting it and I'm sorry for that.

In Australia, you can't be hung out to dry, as another poster put it. Assets get put into a pot. This includes house, cars, furniture, the money she has in the bank account, your cash, EVERYTHING... and it's split.
She gets half your super, you get half of hers.

If she has the kids more and is going to be disadvantaged by the divorce, she can claim more, up to 65%.

I'm sorry to hear this Col. But there is life on the other side so just focus on that.... and I have to tell you it is GOOOOOD!

TiddlyPom

If that happens, you report your income and situation to the CSA and they will adjust the payments. It's only if you don't communicate with them, they will estimate your income and come after your wages.
Dealing with the CSA is usually fairly straight forward imo.
They measure the payments against your last tax return too, so the previous year's income. If you are unemployed or can't work, you report to C'link and they sort it for you.

Not putting your tax return in to avoid payment of Child support is now considered to be tax evasion, so it pays to be straight.

TiddlyPom

This post is bollocks and none of this can be supported in Australia legally.

No 'cleaners'.
Divorce is no fault in Aus so doesn't matter about blame. It's 'no blame'.
No evidence to gather as it's not even relevant.
Lists of demands are irrelevant as all assets go into a pot and are divided.

DadAgain

You may want to start documenting all sorts of things and maintaining a bunch of spreadsheets.

Track EVERY hour you spend with your kids. If you can show that despite working full time and separated you still spend 8 hours a day with your kids being involved with all kinds of activities - then any claim she makes that you're not an "involved" parent can be debunked and your claim for 50/50 custody holds more weight.

Track every $$ that gets spent on any joint assets or child related expense. You never know when she might claim she's been supporting the kids all by herself - you need to be be able to disprove that.

Document all assets and liabilities:
- House
- Cars
- House contents (approx)
- Superannuation(s)
- Homeloans
- Outstanding credit card debts
- Other loans

start playing with numbers and seeing if there's any way based on the equity you have in your house you could extend your mortgage by yourself to buy her out - could she do that for you? If you cant do that are you set on selling up? Do you want to try and keep the house? Could you think about retaining shared ownership and have one of you 'rent' from the partnership (now purely a business partnership)? If you can still get on well, there are options to help solve these kind of problems - but they rely on a high degree of co-operation that may not be present in your case.

Dont *assume* she's going to be evil. Relationship breakups are weird things and advice from EVERYONE causes anyone involved to be paranoid and try and take pre-emptive measures. Perhaps the reason she siphoned off funds was in case you kicked her out to the kerb? Perhaps she felt that it was legitimately her money and once you hit separation she was afraid of losing it. Remember EVERYONE is scared in this situation and scared people do silly things.


oh - and lawyer may well suggest you take your kids passports and file them away somewhere safe so she cant skip the country and take them away from you!

TiddlyPom

Good post.

You can't skip the country anyway, Dad. Both parents need to give permission for children to leave the country when separated! You can't apply for a new passport without other parent signature either.

TiddlyPom

And if you want 50% shared care, you can have it. The system here awards men the time they WANT with their kids. You don't have to fight for it... it's naturally yours.
The system here however doesn't MAKE you have 50% care if you don't want it... because that's considered dangerous to put children in that situation.

irishbloo

That is good to know for the op.

DadAgain

I've travelled overseas with my kids without anyone checking for permission slips.

It may be true that you shouldnt do it - but passport control people at the airport dont have a list of everyone who may or may not be having marital issues and they rarely check a parent with kids in tow.

Its a remote possibility perhaps - but it IS possible.