lucy71

Hello

I'm facing making the biggest decision of my life and I don't know what to do!

In a nutshell: my partner and I emigrated to oz as perm residents in 2004. I had my son out there and we returned to the uk in 2008. Reasons for returning: missed friends and family and wanted son to get to know parents.

We've been back 2 years and I realized after 1 week we'd made a dreadful mistake to move back to the uk. I missed my friends, lifestyle, weather in oz. I realized that what I'd missed in the uk didn't exist anymore (we lived in London child free before emigrating).

Having lived in both places, I think oz is a better place to bring up kids IMO.

We told my son (aged 3 and half) on good friday. We are intending to leave uk end of june.

His reaction was devastating. He was very upset, crying, saying why do we have to go, he wants to stay where we live. I was very surprised as I hadn't realized he was so attached to our house / his playgroup / friends he's made / even family.

His reaction has upset me terribly and almost destabliized my plans to move back to oz. Everyday he is crying about the move, saying he doesn't want to go, asking when will he see grandma again etc etc. It breaks my heart and I find it is making me feel very anxious about the move back. I didn't feel like this before telling him.

I visited family up north last week and it was very poignant to watch my son playing with his cousins who he gets on very well with. I felt sad that he wouldn't get to grow up with them,and that he would miss out on having grandparents and all our family to grow up with. This is the only pull for me for staying here as I feel oz is better in most every other aspect.

My mum took the news of us moving back very badly and this has made me feel very guilty for moving back also.

My dilemma is this.

Do I stay in UK, so that my son can grow up with extended family around him?

OR: ping pong back to oz, where he can have a better lifestyle (IMO) and opportunities but not see his family very much other than by skype.

I don't have much time to make a decision, we have to sort out shipping by end of next week and I haven't spoken to my OH yet about my new mixed feelings, as I'm unsure whether I'm thinking with my head or heart at the moment...it took him a long time to come around to the idea and I'm frightened of talking to him about it in case he just changes his mind!

I just don't know what to do anymore, please can anyone advise me how I can make a decision?

thanks!
Lucy

louise

Hi Lucy

I'm sorry I don't really have any answers for you, I am 6 days away from leaving family and friends for the first time to join my hubby who has been in Oz 3 months. My mind, thoughts and emotions are all over the place so I have a bit of a an idea how you are feeling right now

I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family

Good Luck

Alfresco

Hi Lucy,

He's three and a half and far too young to really know what is going on in the world.

Kids adapt easily at that age and into their early teens.

I don't see a problem, just move.

soapy©

only you can decide whats best. its clear to see you have doubts. speak to your hubby asap and sort the doubts out.
all i can say is. if teens can adapt im sure a small child can

good luck

elice_in_oz

Hi Lucy
I agree with Alfresco. At that age, all they see is the present and what is in front of them. If you are sure you want to go and are happy with your decision, he'll feel it and will easily adapt.
Make sure to not talk about it too much, just what is necessary to involve him. Get him to pack his favourite things, talk about the plane flight (if he's anything like my 3 and 1/2 boy, that alone will get him excited! Until he boards said plane and refuses to sit still for 24 hours! ). Maybe you should start skyping now (if not already) with your family so he gets used to seeing them on the computer and it's not too much of a shock when he sees them on a screen for the first time.
And again, we know how little kids always react to the feelings of stress we put out. If you manage to feel happy with your decision, he'll be happy too!

Deancm

The better opportunities reason is a myth. When he becomes an adult there are far more, better and varied opportunities for him careerwise in the UK. Whether Australia is a better place to raise kids is debateable. I used to think that Australia was but now I don't necessarily think so. Better than London yes, other parts of the UK I don't know. He will be better educated in the UK that's for sure.

Chances are when he reaches adulthood he will head back to the UK anyway. Getting him an Aussie passport is a good thing so he can have a choice of whether he wants to live in the UK or Australia when he grows up.

Anyway, he's a 3.5 year old kid. He doesn't have a say in the matter.

Amazulu

A 3yo should not be dictating where you live.

You make the decision.

iolande

Is it possible your child is mirroring the angst that is going on for you rather then it being all his own feelings? Perhaps he is scared because he has overheard your discussions and has attached fear. It is hard to imagine that a 3 year old could fully understand what moving would mean.

I hope you work your dilemma out as it sounds like you love your son very much . All the best, Io.

jad n rich

Actually at around 3/4 my son made similar points to the OP. He was being more honest about it than I was, I was simply kidding myself with hogwash about lifestyle

OP careful if you come back now, not only emotional, but the cost of living in OZ has gone totally freaking bananas since a few years back, check it out carefully

LIBBY

IMO, if you want to go, then you will, whether your lovely Son reacted this way or not!!

He will get over it not doubt...whether you will is another question!!

I feel the guilt every single day over taking my Son away from his bestest friend in the world.

We have been here near on 2 years (this time), it's a long time to carry the guilt around, but you and you just get on with life.

Good luck with your decision

LibbyX

Japonica

I agree with the others...I wouldn't rely on a 3 year old to make the decision. A move this big, it has to be something that you and your spouse are committed to 110%, never mind what the preschooler says.

FWIW, we've been here almost 9 months now. My 5 year old (4 when we moved here) was missing Canada like crazy the first couple of months. But she's settled in to school, has her friends and loves the outdoor life here (which is a dramatic improvement for us being snowed under 6-7 months of the year). Just yesterday, while we were out walking, she looked up at me and said, "Mom, I never want to go back to Canada." I was taken aback because of what we went through when we moved, but looks like she's settled just fine.

Sure, she still misses the relatives, but she's on skype with them every weekend or so. She talks to some of them more this way than she ever did living 15 minutes away from them.

The relative issue, in our case anyway, needs to be looked at critically. Yes, the vast majority of our relatives are still back in Canada and we were within an hour's drive of all of them. That said, most were so busy all the time that we were lucky if we saw them once a month or less...so that's what I think about when considering/re-considering long term plans/the kids/and relatives. Sure, it would be great if we lived near them again so the kids could grow up with extended family. But is it worth hauling us all back and moving house when we probably wouldn't see them more than a dozen times a year, if that? The same rose tinted specs that people often put on when relocating also have to taken off when looking at the place you're leaving, and all the connections.

elice_in_oz

This is my thinking exactly. Maybe I come from an unconventional family in this respect but of 3 daughters, my parents have one in Germany, one in Australia and one in Egypt . They themselves live in the south of France where I was born and grew up.

I am very lucky that they can afford to come and visit us regularly. Each time they stay at least 4 weeks.

In the last 2 years, my sons have seen their grandparents at least as much as my niece who lives in Germany, a short flight away.
The reason for that is that when they come here, it's for a substantial amount of time whereas when they go to Germany, it's only for a week or so. Same when my sister goes to visit.

Even my mother recognises that she gets as much, if not more, quality time with her grandchildren by spending day in/day out with them for 4 weeks than if we lived closer and only visited for a short while every so often. This will most likely change when the boys grow up into stoopid teenagers and hate all adults, but until then, they are creating strong bonds.

I know that when I lived in the UK (admittedly before children), I used to see my parents and extended family about 3 or 4 times a year. So to me it doesn't make a big difference.

And before I start getting some narky replies
1 - yes, I am close to all my family, parents, sisters and extended family as well. And yes I miss them a lot, some days more than others.
2 - yes, as said before I am aware that I am VERY lucky that they can afford the trip regularly. My OH's mother can't do that and she misses us, but then again, I'm not sure that she's particularly chuffed to have to babysit the other grandkids a bit too often . And since we would most likely not live in Cornwall if we were in the UK, she probably still wouldn't see our boys that often anyway, cos who wants to drive down to Cornwall every weekend from, say, the Midlands?

All this to say that although my sons are not geographically close to their grandparents and extended family, they will still grow up knowing them. I'll make sure of that. And I am totally planning on sending them to France on their own for school holidays as soon as the airlines allow them to travel as UMs!
I'm guessing 3 and 1/2 is still too young

DeadVim

Our sprog liked Dinosaurs a month ago, now it's Dragons.

Kids adapt, do what you think is best for the long-term interests of the family.

soapy©

i have to agree with this

moneypenny20

Your kids are a bit old for dinosaurs and dragons surely