daunted

...firstly i put a warning in the title cos last time i posted a serious question on barbie i got blasted - not quite sure where i am supposed to post anything like this

Ok parents i need some advice. This one has got me completely flummoxed.
A month ago I started taking my sons (14year) mobile off him at night due to late night texting and some behavioural issues. He never complained and hands his phone over before bed each night. In the early days I would check his phone to keep tabs on the 'issue'. He knew i was doing this, and whilst he wasnt over the moon he accepted it gracefully The last couple of weeks I have taken his phone and left it switched off during the night not bothering to check as the issues seem to have been resolved.
Then this last couple of days he has been acting withdrawn again and i could tell he wasnt 'quite right', so last night i checked his messages.
There were several text messages from a girl he knows through sport. (they arent at same school) Same age as him. I have met her couple of times and she seemed a lovely girl. The texts messages were her telling him that she had cut herself again and deserved to die. Her blood was poisonous etc etc. My son (bless him had replied that it was b****** and that as much as he loved her he didnt like what she was doing and it had to stop) At this point the phone was handed to me and he went to bed.
When i switched it on is when the above text came through.
I was horrified. I had visions of a teenage girl attempting suicide and my son being the one she was telling. Was this a cry for help? Was it a suicide bid? small cut or was it all just attention seeking and nothing had been cut?
I woke my son and showed him texts. he dissolved into tears and said that yes she cuts herself and he doesnt know how to deal with it. (This is the 2nd girl from the same group who has done this and she too used to text my son whilst doing it. Eventually her father saw her doing it and she is now getting help and support.)
I asked my son to text her back and ask if she was still bleeding to which she replied that it had stopped. I sent a text from my sons phone saying that she really needed to go and speak to her parents. Understandably she was p***** at my son for telling me (least she believes he told me) Maybe i shouldnt have text but i couldnt go to sleep at night worrying if this young girl would take her life and i had done nothing. I wanted to phone her parents last night when this was going on but my son doesnt have a home number for her and she has a silent number. I dont know her address though i guess i could find out through other people.
....My dilemma is this.. Do i make those moves to find her parents and let them know what is going on? Do i contact the pastoral office at her school and let them know so she can get the help to speak to her parents? or do i just keep my nose out of it and hope that my son doesnt come home from school one day telling me that she has taken her own life? Aside from this there is all the emotional stuff that is effecting my son from it all. I like to think we talk openly but i really dont know on this one what to do say or how to handle it

jad n rich

Do you know the girls parents?? I know for eg info told to a Psychologist is totally confidential. However if the patient is likely to harm/kill themself the information can be passed on to relevant people. Parents? School? I mean its like you say, what if she does really intend to take her life.

I know a girl in my sons grade 7 class cut herself in class in full view of everyone, was taken out of school for a while, I assume full medical intervention. My boys were talkign about it and were saying this cutting themself thing is quite common like you said shes not the only one doing this, another girl too, and why are they both confiding in your son, that sounds worrying, to me as a mum of teens.

High schools all seem to have some guidance officer or chaplain as they call him here, maybe speak to them for better advice than we can give.

LouiseR

How awful for you and your son! And of course this poor girl. I think you need to do something. The guilt would be too much should anything happened to her and if your son was doing the same and an adult knew about it, how would you feel if you weren't told?

If you don't know the parents or you're not at ease talking to them about this(they might be quite sensitive over it, they might feel they've "failed" somehow for not spotting the signs or for their daughter not confiding in them.) then I'd go down the school route.

Tell someone in a position of care there and see if they can mediate with the parents about what has happened. Hopefully someone get through to this young girl about the dangerous act she is doing before it goes any further.

I hope everything works out for both families and that you're son hasn't been to affected by it, it must be awful.

eurosyl

I am not qualified to give you any proper advise in this, but I can share my thoughts with you on this.

This sounds like a very serious problem and I would definitely find a way to get her professional (mental) help. I am not sure if that should go through informing her parents tho. As parent you have a right to know what is going on, but if this is related to problems in a parent-child relationship things may go out of hand further.

I am not sure how things work in Oz, but in NL there are persons related to the school where cases like this can be discussed in full confidence, without the parents directly involved, and where further advise can be obtained. She might just be needing a place to vent her problems and get some guidance in how to deal with them. I know there are both a kidsline and a parentsline in Oz which may help in this case.

This girl may not be trying to kill herself, but her cutting habit could lead to more dangerous behavior, and as you said another girl in the same group used this before, it may be a call for attention. That call should not be ignored. It should not be burdening your son tho.

Sylvia

quoll

Gosh that is a really hard one. Her parents may well be aware that she is cutting - it is pretty epidemic here these days and you hope that they might be doing something about it but basically she has to be prepared to talk to someone otherwise it will be a waste of time.

If you know which school she goes to then do call the school counsellor and tell them just what you have told us here - they are good at working out ways to approach kids without letting on how they got to know that there were issues.

Meanwhile you could equip your son with the Kidshelpline number 1800 55 1800 and encourage her to talk to an independent third party. There is also Lifeline who are good at dealing with people who self harm 13 11 14 - available 24/7

It is unlikely to have been a serious suicide bid, as I said, there is a self harming epidemic going on at the moment and some of the (usually but not exclusively) girls are doing it as copy catting but for some the pain of cutting themselves takes away what other pains they are experiencing - it's like a release.

Your son needs to be reassured that whatever his friend does is NOT his responsibility. She is making choices about her life and what he does is not the issue. If he can suggest Kidshelpline then he will be off first base to having something useful to suggest to her - there is also a website which is helpful http://www.kidshelp.com.au/teens/

Good luck!

Gems

Hi,

What an upsetting situation.

Ive got a teen and other kids. Personally if you can not contact the parents, I really would go and speak with the school.

I hope that if one of my kids was cutting themselves or worse, that another parent would let someone know. This could save a life.

You could speak with the school and get them to keep your name out of it.
Maybe get them to give the girls a chat and let them know how they can get help.

With this being the second girl doing this, it may spiral to others in the year.

Honestly I feel for you son, he will be worried sick for his friend. However telling the parents or school could save a life.

Good Luck
Gems

daunted

thankyou all for your replies here, PMs and emails. It helps to just ask for advice.
My first (panicked) reaction was to inform her parents but I understand that could be part of the problem. Like i said i dont know her or the family very well at all so thats not for me to say.
I think I am going to ask my son to invite her round, see if she will come and open up a bit, she knows i know now so it may help. Failing that i am going to ring her school and speak to the student welfare chappy. I dont want to discuss her more just make them aware of a problem and maybe they can offer her some support.
I have checked out the website and also found another specific to self harming which i will get my son to email her a link to and i have printed out some stuff about coping with people that self harm for my son. Hopefully with all avenues of conversation open she will get the help she deserves and my son can find some peace of mind. Thanks again for the ears

SillyOldBag

To be honest, I think your better option is to speak to someone at the school rather than involving yourself. You could leave yourself open to a shitload of trouble with the girl's parents as your extremely well-intentioned actions could be misinterpreted or resented. I know that that is probably the least of your worries and that her safety is the primary issue. The decisions about her welfare are not yours to make - I don't mean that in any way shape or form as a criticism as I know you are in a most difficult situation wanting to do the right thing.

The problem with talking to the parents is that they could be part of the problem, the problem with talking to the school is it could escalate the situation out of proportion. Very difficult call to make. As I said at the outset, my gut feeling is that you should talk to someone at the school.

I'm glad you've come across the situation from your son's perspective in its early stages, as the pressure on him must have been awful.

quoll

I do so agree - try not to get involved but do try and involve people whose job it is to work with kids. You wouldnt be the first to alert a school to a concern about a student.

daunted

Thanks guys - tried to get hold of student welfare officer today who was busy but left my mobile number.
What is it they say in Oz? " Im over it!" Just want to make sure she is getting some help, god knows its hard enough raising my own kids without anyone elses problems.
Thanks for the support guys - i did decide not to contact the parents like you suggested - they may be part of the problem

Kayelem

I know you are "over it" but just wanted to add, do the schools in Oz have school nurses like here in the UK, if so they are a good idea. I know there is pastoral care over here in UK, but school nurses are better trained to deal with such issues.

annep

Hi
i think you were right to inform the school and not get personally involved yourself. This situation is endemic in this age group.
I personally would be more concerned regarding your son, two girls telling him when they were cutting themselves?
Is he very approachable and friendly with them, or are they using this as a form of bullying.
Deliberate self harm is sometimes a way of releasing feelings of pain and anger, but can also be used as a manipulative tool to punish other people
If he was happy to hand over his phone, he is probably relieved you know, I would use this as an opportunity to talk to him, make him realise that this is in no way his fault and that it is quite selfish of them to placeit at his door.

ABCDiamond

I have just had a situation, and speaking to the school, I was told that the pastoral care teachers appreciate being advised, and they do not restrict themselves to purely 'in school' problems. They can also then follow up with the students, without the need for the student to know where the intervention originated.

I was impressed by ours, and how they handled it, without anyone knowing where the information originated.

joho

I had a similar thing (not as bad as that though) with one of my daughters friends, said her dad was basically being abusive and violent, avid mormans. Wanted to come stay with us. Paniced me. I got daughter to ring and make sure this girl was ok, then the following day I contacted the school and told them what had happened and they dealt with it.

You have to say something because you will never forgive yourself if something happened.

Jo

Weird Fish

I think you have done the right thing contacting the school welfare officer, it is very definitely best that you stay well out of it. Any involvement you or your son have could have the opposite effect of your intentions and should something terrible happen you would feel somehow responsible.

I have some personal experience of this type of situation and would strongly recommend that your son is exceptionally firm with his girlfriend and makes it very, very clear that if she ever does or threaten him again with this type of behaviour their relationship will end. This is manipulative and attention seeking and will only make your son's life hell.

It might sound harsh but this is a toxic relationship that unfortunately isn't going to have a good ending for your son.