Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His teenage son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage



Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

A little British humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of her first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.


He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
" Orange ........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

The Texan in a VW


A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle,


pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.


Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,



"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"


The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."


"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.


"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."


"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.


"Why, actually, yes, I do."


"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags
the Texan.


Just before the light turns green the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"


The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"


"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, "
the Texan replies.


The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.


Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped,


so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed in back of his car.


About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks
up his car
and drives all over town looking for the volkswagen beetle
with


the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside
the road,


so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.


The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified




Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.


================================================
(Don't worry... The joke is CLEAN. Your mind is not!)
=================================================


The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and
peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says,


"Hey, remember me?"


"Yeah, yeah, I remember you, " replies the
Texan, "What's up?"


"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in
my Rolls."


The Texan exclaims,


"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart
spacer

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as oddly as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secretfears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
• Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
• What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

the last one was the best one, kama on it's way:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........






























But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

:eek:

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.


This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.



While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare


"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."



He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"


Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,



"Self raising, isn't it?"


Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Steamy Love Poem
>>
>> I will seek and find
>> You . .
>>
>> I shall take you to bed
>> and have my way with
>> you.
>>
>> I will make you ache,
>> shake & sweat until
>> you moan & groan.
>>
>> I will make you beg
>> for mercy, beg for me
>> to stop.
>>
>> I will exhaust you to
>> the point that you will
>> be relieved when I'm finished with you.
>>
>> And, when I am
>> finished, you will be
>> weak for days.
>>
>> All my love,
>>
>> The Flu
>>
>> Now, get your mind
>> out of the gutter and
>> Go get your flu shot!

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

TURNER BROWN

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.



The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:''7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'



The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'


In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! ..

Sweet Mother of Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreation-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely!!

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE)
or
purchase Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

Johnnyyt

Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
 

some optical illusions.....

Johnnyyt