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The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Old Apr 25th 2007, 7:58 am
  #61  
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Talking Another Blonde Joke

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
For her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
Leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:02 am
  #62  
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Talking Band Aids

Band Aids
Attached Thumbnails The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)-band-aid%5B1%5D.jpg  
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:23 am
  #63  
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Talking Happly Married

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when
she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:26 am
  #64  
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Talking Semen Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc,it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing.

We even called up Arleen,the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it
between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You even asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open".
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:28 am
  #65  
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Default Re: Semen Sample

Good one!
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:37 am
  #66  
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Talking Symptoms Of Being Over 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush". (worst still
you don't go to the clubs)

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going
clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer
and start dreaming you may one day have a son who might
instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of
the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need
to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video as the sales
assistant assumes they are for your children

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really
nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken
belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time
Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when a bus journey was 30p" and "Not
in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine
has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the
bus, you tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?" – Nikki !

27. Far more members of the opposite sex start to look particularly attractive.

28. The idea of having a selection of biscuits with your tea starts
to sound appealing.
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:40 am
  #67  
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Talking Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:45 am
  #68  
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Default Re: Symptoms Of Being Over 25

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush". (worst still
you don't go to the clubs)

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going
clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer
and start dreaming you may one day have a son who might
instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of
the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need
to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video as the sales
assistant assumes they are for your children

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really
nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken
belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time
Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when a bus journey was 30p" and "Not
in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine
has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the
bus, you tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?" – Nikki !

27. Far more members of the opposite sex start to look particularly attractive.

28. The idea of having a selection of biscuits with your tea starts
to sound appealing.
How did you get to know me so well?!!! This, unfortunately, does sound like me and I am 34.

BTW, Jeremy Vine really does have some interesting guests on!!!
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:48 am
  #69  
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Talking sexual harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write
a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?" The woman replies,

"It's Keith, the dwarf."
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:54 am
  #70  
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Default Re: Symptoms Of Being Over 25

So true
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:54 am
  #71  
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Default Re: Semen Sample

I love you guys - have spent ages this afternoon laughing at this and your other jokes. THANK YOU!
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 8:57 am
  #72  
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Talking Public Service Notice

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) Bacteria found in faeces.

In other words,

We are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other spirits) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POO

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day.
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 9:03 am
  #73  
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Default Re: Symptoms Of Being Over 25

I was thinking about a shed ARRGH!!...but when I go out now I start to admire the countryside views..HELP
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Old Apr 25th 2007, 9:12 am
  #74  
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scousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nicescousercarol is just really nice
Default Re: Semen Sample

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Old Apr 25th 2007, 11:55 am
  #75  
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Talking Sponge Bob square pants travels Mnt Isa.

Just to show that Sponge Bob went to Mount Isa.
Attached Thumbnails The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)-sponge-bob-mt-isa.jpg  
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