The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Mar 31st 2007, 1:22 am
#31
Account Closed
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,832
Joke
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears and starts to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask?? "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much?? That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
A young, student nurse appears and starts to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask?? "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much?? That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Apr 2nd 2007, 1:12 pm
#32
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2004
Location: Birkdale QLD
Posts: 7,642
Joke, probably old but I've never heard it before
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then,maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia . - " Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -what street?"
"Cameo Street " he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says,her
voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe his........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says,
"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then,maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia . - " Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -what street?"
"Cameo Street " he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says,her
voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe his........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says,
"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
Apr 2nd 2007, 1:41 pm
#33
Sunny Sydney
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Sydney
Posts: 6,241
Re: Joke, probably old but I've never heard it before
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then,maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia . - " Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -what street?"
"Cameo Street " he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says,her
voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe his........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says,
"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then,maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia . - " Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -what street?"
"Cameo Street " he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says,her
voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe his........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says,
"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
lol, great. i hadn't heard that one.
BTW - you are spending way too much time in the arcade
Apr 2nd 2007, 2:19 pm
#34
Bitter and twisted
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Upmarket
Posts: 17,503
Re: Joke, probably old but I've never heard it before
I've heard it before
It was posted on here a while ago as well.
Amusing though.
G
It was posted on here a while ago as well.
Amusing though.
G
Apr 2nd 2007, 11:11 pm
#35
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2004
Location: Birkdale QLD
Posts: 7,642
Re: Joke, probably old but I've never heard it before
I was just wondering what my husband's been up to these days - thought he was on BE but haven't seen him post much... Next time he goes to the arcade or posts any silly old jokes, please ask him to report back to his wife and daughters. 
Mrs JTL
Mrs JTL
Apr 3rd 2007, 1:14 am
#36
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Joke, probably old but I've never heard it before
He doesn't have time to post much. Have you seen all the daft games he has become champion of
Go away for a few days with the olds and leave him looking after the kids 
Go away for a few days with the olds and leave him looking after the kids
Apr 4th 2007, 12:29 pm
#37
That's Dr Bitch to you
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Out in the 'burbs of Melbourne
Posts: 925
Saw a great sign
Australia's not a virgin
Its been f%^$ed by the government
Its been f%^$ed by the government
Apr 13th 2007, 4:28 pm
#38
Going for a ride
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Monbulk, Victoria.
Posts: 2,838
Important info
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$500.00 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500.00 and leaves. The woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor,"
she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the
$500.00 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and
a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me
next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS$%^ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who S$%^'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of S$%^ is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep S$%^, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$500.00 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500.00 and leaves. The woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor,"
she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the
$500.00 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and
a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me
next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS$%^ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who S$%^'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of S$%^ is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep S$%^, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Apr 13th 2007, 4:35 pm
#39
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 25,277
Re: Important info
Hee hee very good 
Apr 13th 2007, 5:00 pm
#40
Last remaining Dec PR app
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 500
Re: Important info
Yes, they are really good. 
Apr 13th 2007, 5:46 pm
#42
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: Important info
I loved them that was brilliant
Apr 13th 2007, 5:54 pm
#43
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 11,322
Re: Important info
exellent
Apr 16th 2007, 9:51 pm
#44
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Buckinghamshire
Posts: 961
Jokes - The joy of getting old??!!!
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
_________________________________________
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
_________________________________________
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Apr 16th 2007, 10:06 pm
#45
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: Jokes - The joy of getting old??!!!
lmao - PRETTY GOOD