Paula223

A vampie bat arrives back at the roost with his fce full of blood.
All the bats get excited & ask where he got it from.
Follow me he says.
Off they flew over hills over river and into the dark forest.
See that tree over there,he says
Well i ****ing didnt!!!

,

jazzys

Just found this whilst looking for summat else

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/2001_05_11.html

I hope they all talk like that in Brisbane!

Jeff

Suni&Jay

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium , $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

Suni&Jay

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us

====================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"


They Walk among us

====================


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep
up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific.."

They Walk Among Us

===================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down
in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the
car was moving".

They Walk Among Us

===================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the
trunk...

They Walk Among Us

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount on both....

They Walk Among Us

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, THEY Walk Among Us

====================

They do walk among us, AND reproduce! AND just think,
Many of them will vote in the next election!!!!!!!!!!!

Suni&Jay

Ladies DON'T get offended - these are the FACTS !!!!!!!!!

================================================== ========

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

================================================== ========

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of
Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

================================================== ========

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

================================================== ========

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.

================================================== ========

Why dogs don't marry?
Because they are already leading a dog's life!

================================================== ========

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

================================================== ========

Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

================================================== ========

Life is a paradox:
what you want u don't get (love)
what you get you don't enjoy (marriage)
what you enjoy is not permanent (girlfriend)
what is permanent is boring (wife)

================================================== ========

What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a
woman
who loves him & a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet
each other!

================================================== ========

Lady to her maid: I have reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary.
Maid : I don't believe it! You are just saying that to make me
jealous!'

Suni&Jay

Harry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again ?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Harry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more
time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have
four hours left ! Could we..?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Harry, I'm not
being funny ... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

tomy2tums

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh bigboy,whip me,whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks,"Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky b*****d to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims,


"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

loz

Tiawamutu

Sam

medwaymark

>A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
>The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in
>the center ring, was a table with three walnuts.
>Standing next to it was an elderly Italian gentleman.
>Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
>member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
>The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly man was carried off on
>their shoulders.

>Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found
>the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The
>Amazing Italian".
>He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive - much less still doing
>his act!
>He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,
>however, instead of walnuts , three coconuts were placed on the table.
>The Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
>smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
>The crowd went wild!

>Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show.
>"You're incredible!" he told the elderly gentleman, "But I have to know
>something, I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why
>the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

>"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Sally Simpson

katesbackagain

Don't know if this one has bee posted before, but here's another for the lads:

Why did God create man first?

He didn't want a woman watching over his shoulder and criticizing.

tomy2tums

If a man makes a comment, and no women can hear him, is he still wrong?

Sally Simpson

Definitely