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The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Old Aug 12th 2007, 9:36 pm
  #736  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

I've had a really bad day!

I rear-ended a car today.

I tell you, it was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started . .
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Old Aug 12th 2007, 9:40 pm
  #737  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Real Classified Ad's

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8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
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GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Husband knows everything
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Old Aug 13th 2007, 10:09 am
  #738  
 
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Originally Posted by down under
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."


FANTASTIC. gotta tell the OH.
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Old Aug 13th 2007, 10:01 pm
  #739  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

One for the ladies
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " Southampton University ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

---------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

--------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

---------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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Old Aug 14th 2007, 11:32 am
  #740  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
In and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'




He takes her hand and says,



'Second, I want you to relax'.



'Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then'


He sighed.........

'Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'
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Old Aug 14th 2007, 11:53 am
  #741  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Indian Technology

after digging to a depth of 100 meters last year,
Japanese scientists foundtraces of copper wire
dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network
one thousand years ago.
Six weeks later, American
scientists dug 200 meters, after which
headline stories in US papers read: " US scientists
have found traces of 2000 year-old optical fibres,
and have concluded that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Japanese".
After just one week,
Indian media reported the following: "After digging to
adepth of 500 meters, Indian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. Their conclusion is that 5000
years ago, their ancestors were already using
wireless technology".
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Old Aug 14th 2007, 4:05 pm
  #742  
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Default And the moral of the story is.............

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

Jazzys
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Old Aug 14th 2007, 6:31 pm
  #743  
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Default Re: And the moral of the story is.............

divorce letters

You may find this amusing...


>Dear Wife:
>
>I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
>
>I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show
>for it
>
>These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
>you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.
>
>Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
>hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of
>silk boxers.
>
>You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after
>watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you
>don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on
>me or you don't love me anymore.
>
>Whatever the case is, I am gone.
>
>Your EX - Husband
>
>P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
>Virginiatogether!
>
>Have a great life!
>
>~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>Dear Ex-Husband:
>
>Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true
>that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
>is a far cry from what you've been.
>
>I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
>and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a
>hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look
>just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you
>can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must
>have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak
>seven years ago.
>
>I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the
>price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence
>that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and
>your new silk boxers were $49.99.
>
>After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
>out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million
>Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
>But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
>guess.
>
>I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
>that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
>So take care.
>
>Signed,
>
>Rich and Free!
>
>P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was
>born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.
>
>Change is good.
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 11:40 am
  #744  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason

Why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says,

"OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!"
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 3:37 pm
  #745  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason

Why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says,

"OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!"
Paddy and is wife in bed one night when the next doors dog jst kept barking!!
Hubby says to is wife,
Ive had enough of this shit im gonna go sort it!!!
So of he goes down the stairs to sort out the problem.
5 mins later hes back in the bedroom when is wife ask
So did you sort it
Paddy replys yeh i ******g did i put the dog in our garden see how they like it!!!!!
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Old Aug 17th 2007, 9:23 am
  #746  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
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Old Aug 17th 2007, 9:25 am
  #747  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish
assistant Paddy.

'I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients'
'Yes, sir!' answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day?

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.'

'Bravo Mate and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin'.

'Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the
doctor.
'Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her

legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!''
'Good God 'says the doctor.'What did you do?'
'I put drops in her eyes!'
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Old Aug 17th 2007, 1:32 pm
  #748  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish
assistant Paddy.

'I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients'
'Yes, sir!' answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day?

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.'

'Bravo Mate and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin'.

'Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the
doctor.
'Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her

legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!''
'Good God 'says the doctor.'What did you do?'
'I put drops in her eyes!'
arghahahaha
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Old Aug 17th 2007, 1:43 pm
  #749  
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Originally Posted by Paula223
arghahahaha
Alzheimers Or Parkinsons,
Which one would you rather have?
Parkinsons of course!
better to spill half ur pint than forget where the **** u put it!!!


A Irishman goes to the chemist for a pkt of condoms
He asked how much,
she said $3.45 plus tax,
he said **** the tacks i'll hold them onmyself!!!


Paddy buys a bath but takes it back next day complaing its leaking,
Manager asks
"did you buy a plug:
Paddy replies "you ****, you never said it was electric!!!!
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Old Aug 17th 2007, 1:47 pm
  #750  
Paula Eddie and Family
 
Joined: Mar 2007
Location: SettlersHills Baldivis Rockingham Perth
Posts: 58
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Default Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Originally Posted by Paula223
Alzheimers Or Parkinsons,
Which one would you rather have?
Parkinsons of course!
better to spill half ur pint than forget where the **** u put it!!!


A Irishman goes to the chemist for a pkt of condoms
He asked how much,
she said $3.45 plus tax,
he said **** the tacks i'll hold them onmyself!!!


Paddy buys a bath but takes it back next day complaing its leaking,
Manager asks
"did you buy a plug:
Paddy replies "you ****, you never said it was electric!!!!
Q.If a woman is uncomfortable watching u wank do you think,A,you need more time together,
B,shes a ****ing prude or C,she should have sat elsewhere on the bus!!!!
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