Making that decision..
 

Well my husband and I now have the confronting decision to make this weekend in relation to making the trip back to the UK following a significant decline in my Nan's health (including loss of swallow reflex and declining of a nasal feeding tube - she has the mental capacity to decide).

I know this has to be our decision alone to make but what did other people decide and how did you feel about the decision at the time and since.

It is my mum's mum and my mum died 4 years ago (still regret that I got there 5 minutes after she died- was still living in UK at the time). My nan is 92 years old. Time off work is not a concern for me but my husband is about to start a new job so slightly more challenging for him. He hasn't been back since we arrived, I went back for my Nans 90th. Money isn't a problem either.

I could go now or we could go slightly later in the year to pay our respects (always on the cards that we would visit later this year anyhow). I am swinging between both at the moment.....

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Do what you want to do and not what others think you should do.

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I know we need to make the decision for ourselves, what i am asking is for people to share their experiences both in making the decision and their feelings since then as to did they make the right decision in going or not going back.

I am not sharing mine or my husbands thoughts at the moment so we can make that decision for ourselves but feedback from others may highlight something that we hadn't thought about to add into our considerations.

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My thoughts. Got a call last year to say the mother, who had always been as fit as a flea was going into hospital for some simple tests. A couple of days later another call to say she'd had a minor stent put in place. A day or so later got a call to say she was in a bad way, it wasn't looking good and the docs weren't sure how long she'd go but it was at most a couple of months. Took the decision that me and the girls would go back to say goodbye. Husband was not interested for many reasons. Wasn't fussed about the funeral but even though we didn't have a great relationship I didn't want the later thoughts of 'damn I should have made the effort'. Two hours before we left for the airport I got the call to say she'd died. We went and did the funeral.

I was a tad pissed that she hadn't hung on but we're grateful that we didn't see her because apparently she looked really bloody awful at the end and we, thankfully don't have that memory but my brother and sister do.

Depending on how close your husband is to your gran, I'd consider going without him. She's obviously very important to you so you should go.

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My dad died of cancer induced dementia two and a half years ago. My sister was his main carer until he went into hospital 5 months before he died. She told me not to come, and to keep my happy memories of him, as he was in a very bad way, and hallucinating. We came back for the funeral.

In some ways I regret not being able to help my sister, but she wanted to do it all- said with MS I wasn't capable. In others, I am glad I didn't have to look at a shell of a human who eventually couldn't talk, recognise anyone, and who was a doubly incontinent skeleton.

Whatever you decide to do, my sympathies are with you. It is tough either way.

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If money and time off really isn't a problem then consider doing both, now and perhaps later is something to consider. Don't underestimate how bad you might feel if you miss a funeral. It is, as you say about showing respect for someone you loved and also it is about supporting family.

If you can only do one, then perhaps going now is more important, as then she gets to see you perhaps for the last time. I would probably go without your OH if it is difficult for him at the moment, of course it would be nicer if he could come too but at end of the day it is your grandmother not his.

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I missed a lot of funerals in 32 yrs - my folk always said "don't bother to come back when we've gone!". I didn't go back for my grandmother - I was 3 days away from having DS2 at the time but I wouldn't have gone anyway I'm pretty sure - there were plenty to farewell her. If I'd been on the other side of the world and something had happened to one of my parents, I'd have been there like a shot - to support the other (I'm an only child - had I had siblings I might have been marginally less inclined).

I am sorry you and your family are going through this right now, it is hard and the next few weeks are going to be difficult for you all - whatever decision you make today will be the right one!

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I always said I wouldn't go back for death/funeral but then when push came to shove there was no doubt I was heading back to say goodbye. The husband has been adamant since day one he had no intention of going back for any reason. After talking to his step father the other day who looks to be Hospice bound in the next few months, he said he had to renew his passport now so wouldn't be in a panic when the time came. Really surprised me.

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I struggled with making the decision when to go. I wanted to go in time to spend some quality time with my mum, but just didn't know when. We thought there was time. We made the decision soon after finding out her cancer was terminal. We kept it as a surprise, but then I spoke to my dad on the Weds and told him I would be there on the Saturday. I arrived at my brother's on the Saturday morning and he had to break the news to me that she had passed away while I was en route. She died just less than 5 weeks after the terminal diagnosis was given. We had been told she would have another 6 months. I think it was the chemo that actually took her. I am thankful that I never saw her in the final stages, although I have seen a photo and she was quite literally a skeleton. The last time I saw her was on Skype about 2 weeks before, and although she looked frail, she was still my mum. I also saw her in the chapel and really wish I hadn't. I had to spend the next 3 weeks arranging her funeral, when I had hoped to be helping her do a bucket list.

My opinion? Go now. You have experienced regret before, don't risk it again.

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Our trip back last year was only because Deb's brother was terminal. We went back & watched him deteriorate over the course of two months [from walking to the pub with us to being in a coma 3 days before we left]
Not a heap of fun for anyone, however we were glad we went. He died exactly a week after we got back. Very sad & heartbreaking for Deb's parents as we had decided before we left the U.K that we wouldn't go back for a funeral. Things were a little tense as Deb's dad begged her to go back despite her bro stating in no uncertain terms that it was not what he wanted. :(
Do what you decide is best for you not what is best for family. Personally I'd go back to say goodbye to a sick relative, not for a funeral.

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I agree with Cresta.

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Me too.

Re: Making that decision..
 

Hi

I have the same at the moment as well, my Dad's not been well for a few months then had pneumonia twice and then they found a nasty during tests. We were planning on going back in a few months when we found out as we had hoped once over the infection he would get a bit better but now I'm thinking it might have to be sooner as he may not get any stronger.

It's not easy being an only child on the other side of the world. I knew this day would come but had hoped it wouldn't be for ages. Especially as we run a couple of businesses and that makes it more complicated than being employed in some respects.

I too have seen a friend at the final stages when you wonder how someone could still possibly be alive, it's something that still haunts me and I really hope people pass before they get to that point as it's so heartbreaking.

People can go at any time, even if you are 5 minutes away so I'm trying to get things into perspective even though it's difficult. It's worse when you know someone is ill as you are always on edge all the time. FIL had a heart attack out of the blue, it was a shock but easier to deal with in some respects. I guess it's just the unknown, how long, how bad will it get that is hard to cope with.

Bikergirl, sounds like you are in a pretty good position to go if you can get time off work and have the funds, these are usually things that constrain most people with knowing when to go.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.

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It has not been discussed in my family and probably never will.

Most people die of extreme old age and that's it. If I got a call I would go but could not guarantee to get there on time. The official line might be - 'don't bother for me' but I would go just to get back to the old country - sound mercenary - almost certainly.

I missed out on all the Grandparent's send offs ...I was overseas every time - by accident or circumstance and with one still failed to get back for the 'official' Cathedral Commemoration Service due to a mix-up at Heathrow at the taxi rank - the driver did not want to take me. Therefore I don't think I have ever been to a family funeral but there is always a first time.

That is all.

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You need to go with your instinct!
Many on here know my story, I didnt make it back in time to say goodbye to my dad, and as a result, I suffered from depression, maybe bought on by guilt, in addition to many comments from my family, stating that 'I should have been there at the end"
I have had to live with that, and I have many regrets for not seeing him before he passed!

On the other hand, my husbands brother was quite sick, no one knew exactly what was wrong with him, only that he was going downhill fast. It seemed like he had a brain injury, but no diagnoses was made
Mick flew back to the uk to see him, now taking into account he is self employed, and no work means no pay, it cost us a small fortune him being gone for 3 weeks, in addition to the cost of the flight!
Mick arrived home on the Saturday night, then on the monday night we got ' that' call.......at the age of 47 his brother had died
I asked Mick if he intended going back again, he just glared at me and stated that of course he was, as he unintended carrying his brothers coffin
So on the Wednesday, just 4 days after I had picked him up from the airport, I was back down there dropping him off
He boarded the flight, with a burst ear drum from the previous flight, and was back on his way to the UK
We couldn't really afford it, as in total it had cost us almost $10, 000 in flight money and loss of wages, money we didnt have, but he said he had to do it!
He has never suffered from the guilt, that I suffered from, he also managed to come to terms with his brother dying quite quickly, maybe because he had that chance to say goodbye
As said, only you can make that decision, but whatever you decide I wish you well

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A very honest post. I know we try not to make anyone feel guilty on this topic, but I have never come across anyone that regretted going back to the UK in these circumstances. I think it is worth applying the "will it matter a year from now" test, in these scenarios, to both options..

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Families can be complete and utter pr!cks at times. My wifes family, and particularly her sister, are just like that but have no qualms about failing to recognise their own issues.
NEVER let those who 'love' you make you feel guilty, if they do then they do NOT 'love' you.

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Hi Bikergirl...long time no see.

My wife went through this dilemma a couple of years back. Her grandmother was ill and it wasn't looking good. At the time she had also started a new job and we were not exactly flush with spare cash but she has this inate 'for the family' trait in her that forgives all her rellies their crimes and allows them to castigate her for making a move to a new life here in Oz.
Her mother told her to stay here, spending money to go all that way, maybe missing her death and just being there for the funeral. Her Mum's rationale was to remember her as she was when we left and not a very ill and emaciated old lady like she was then. My wife really did have a hard time accepting that but came to realise, in those circumstances that it was for the best.
We got 'that call' the next day and she was obviously upset but was comfortable in her decision and the reasons for it. Again, going back for a funeral on her own to meet her nasty shitty sister (oops did I say that out loud!!) and the depressing mood of it all wasn't a good idea for her so what she did was arrange a private memorial session for her Nan with our local church vicar. It was really nice, really special for her and she knew that both her Nan and her Mum would of appreciated her individual act of remembrance.
She left it for a few months and then we all went back for a holiday and she went to her Nans grave and sat there for a while on her own and just spoke words to her Nan that only she knows without interference or judgement from anyone else, again, it was lovely and my wife really felt at peace about this.
So, this was our individual experience, families are families and we all have variations of love and respect from each and we all I think miss the passing of our older generation. I would only advise this, be there later to remember with the fondness that you have in your memories, not the grief and image of the now.

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Agreed, and considering money isn't a problem either, I'd think you should go too.

(sounds awful bringing money into the equation but for some, that is a big contributing factor to this type of decision. :)

Good luck.

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Very true paddyo!
But when you are feeling low, isolated from your family, these nasty little digs, creep under your skin, eating away at you!
If I had the chance to turn back the clock, and had booked a flight for just one week prior to the flight I had, maybe things would have been different, I dont know?
What I do know, is that I wasnt prepared to see him in the chapel,
He was not my dad, instead there was a very very thin old man, who had wasted away to about 6 stone.
I had last seen him 6 months before he died, and I honestly didnt recognise him, I thought the staff at the chapel had shown me the wrong person, and when they confirmed it was him, I lost it completely!

If given the option now to get a flight before the end..... I wouldnt think twice!!

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One of my nieces lives in Abu Dhabi and got a flight back to see the mother (her grandmother). She arrived at 10pm on the Friday night, about 10 hours before death and the hospital had said that as it was close to the end, anyone could visit at any time. She was warned that her grandmother did not look as she had last time she saw her. Anyway she walked in the room, fairly knackered, saw the woman in the bed, screamed, burst into tears and vomited all over the floor.

Granted my niece is half Greek and prone to exaggerated emotion but sometimes it's better not to see the person, especially if you've not seen them for a fair while.:(

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My Mum died when I still lived in the UK, 3 hours drive from where she was. I got the call to say she had taken a turn for the worse and drove straight up the M6. Even thought it had only been 2 weeks since I had seen her last I walked straight past her bed. She was a shell of a woman. I made the decision there and then to say what I had to say to her and not go back. She died the next day. My grandparents and other family members never forgave me for that but it is what I had to do, for me.

'the call' is crap but do what YOU want and not what people expect you to do.

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My Mum died suddenly in her bed at the age of 47. She lived about 1/2 hour away from me at the time. Saw her about a month before that.
If i had known she was dying I would of been there for her then and not for her funeral if I had lived in Australia
Without a doubt see your loved ones before that happens!
My Dad is getting old now & if i got the phone call I would be there to say goodbye to him in person rather than when he was gone and wouldn't know I was even at his funeral!
Such sad stories here :(

Nicky

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Going back a few years.....I was home and saw my Dad in February, i knew he was sick but found out later he didn't want treatment, and didn't want to let on to me how sick he was.come late May he was clearly in serious trouble, but insisted that he did not want me to go over and see him. He wanted me to remember him as he was. And being the dutiful daughter, i listened.
I also talked to my sister, and we agreed that It made more sense to wait till he had passed away, then go back for the funeral as she had three young kids and they adored their grandfather. She needed the help and support dealing with them. And it worked. The kids leaned on me instead of on their mum, who had done a lot caring for Dad at the end, and was exhausted. I was ( as she put it) more help with the people still living than I would have been to the one now gone. It worked well for all of us, we have many precious memories of those days together for the funeral and the aftermath, and I know that is what my Dad would have wanted.

But each family is different, all I can say is to do what feels right for you and those close to you. Forget what is 'expected' by the wider world, and go with what will give you peace in the longer term.

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After much talking with my husband, we have decided that we will go back later in the year together.

Whilst I know I don't need to explain any decision, the rational behind that decision is that being realistic my husband is my rock and as great as my family are, I could not cope with a bereavement being half a world away from him. Neither could I cope with the being in transit and my Nan passing away.

My Nan is managing small amounts of pureed food, however she does have a fracture in her lower spine and pneumonia (which the doctors believe is being aggravated by food entering her lungs) amongst other long term conditions, which she is not receiving any medication for now. Her breathing function has reduced again. Unfortunately she does not feel able to cope with any Skype chats, and is very aware that she is difficult to understand when she is talking.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and difficulties with me, as it has helped our thought process at what is a very emotional time.