Bermudashorts

A very honest post. I know we try not to make anyone feel guilty on this topic, but I have never come across anyone that regretted going back to the UK in these circumstances. I think it is worth applying the "will it matter a year from now" test, in these scenarios, to both options..

paddyo

Families can be complete and utter pr!cks at times. My wifes family, and particularly her sister, are just like that but have no qualms about failing to recognise their own issues.
NEVER let those who 'love' you make you feel guilty, if they do then they do NOT 'love' you.

paddyo

Hi Bikergirl...long time no see.

My wife went through this dilemma a couple of years back. Her grandmother was ill and it wasn't looking good. At the time she had also started a new job and we were not exactly flush with spare cash but she has this inate 'for the family' trait in her that forgives all her rellies their crimes and allows them to castigate her for making a move to a new life here in Oz.
Her mother told her to stay here, spending money to go all that way, maybe missing her death and just being there for the funeral. Her Mum's rationale was to remember her as she was when we left and not a very ill and emaciated old lady like she was then. My wife really did have a hard time accepting that but came to realise, in those circumstances that it was for the best.
We got 'that call' the next day and she was obviously upset but was comfortable in her decision and the reasons for it. Again, going back for a funeral on her own to meet her nasty shitty sister (oops did I say that out loud!!) and the depressing mood of it all wasn't a good idea for her so what she did was arrange a private memorial session for her Nan with our local church vicar. It was really nice, really special for her and she knew that both her Nan and her Mum would of appreciated her individual act of remembrance.
She left it for a few months and then we all went back for a holiday and she went to her Nans grave and sat there for a while on her own and just spoke words to her Nan that only she knows without interference or judgement from anyone else, again, it was lovely and my wife really felt at peace about this.
So, this was our individual experience, families are families and we all have variations of love and respect from each and we all I think miss the passing of our older generation. I would only advise this, be there later to remember with the fondness that you have in your memories, not the grief and image of the now.

scottishcelts

Agreed, and considering money isn't a problem either, I'd think you should go too.

(sounds awful bringing money into the equation but for some, that is a big contributing factor to this type of decision.

Good luck.

sj oldfield

Very true paddyo!
But when you are feeling low, isolated from your family, these nasty little digs, creep under your skin, eating away at you!
If I had the chance to turn back the clock, and had booked a flight for just one week prior to the flight I had, maybe things would have been different, I dont know?
What I do know, is that I wasnt prepared to see him in the chapel,
He was not my dad, instead there was a very very thin old man, who had wasted away to about 6 stone.
I had last seen him 6 months before he died, and I honestly didnt recognise him, I thought the staff at the chapel had shown me the wrong person, and when they confirmed it was him, I lost it completely!

If given the option now to get a flight before the end..... I wouldnt think twice!!

moneypenny20

One of my nieces lives in Abu Dhabi and got a flight back to see the mother (her grandmother). She arrived at 10pm on the Friday night, about 10 hours before death and the hospital had said that as it was close to the end, anyone could visit at any time. She was warned that her grandmother did not look as she had last time she saw her. Anyway she walked in the room, fairly knackered, saw the woman in the bed, screamed, burst into tears and vomited all over the floor.

Granted my niece is half Greek and prone to exaggerated emotion but sometimes it's better not to see the person, especially if you've not seen them for a fair while.

northernbird

My Mum died when I still lived in the UK, 3 hours drive from where she was. I got the call to say she had taken a turn for the worse and drove straight up the M6. Even thought it had only been 2 weeks since I had seen her last I walked straight past her bed. She was a shell of a woman. I made the decision there and then to say what I had to say to her and not go back. She died the next day. My grandparents and other family members never forgave me for that but it is what I had to do, for me.

'the call' is crap but do what YOU want and not what people expect you to do.

nickyjohnt

My Mum died suddenly in her bed at the age of 47. She lived about 1/2 hour away from me at the time. Saw her about a month before that.
If i had known she was dying I would of been there for her then and not for her funeral if I had lived in Australia
Without a doubt see your loved ones before that happens!
My Dad is getting old now & if i got the phone call I would be there to say goodbye to him in person rather than when he was gone and wouldn't know I was even at his funeral!
Such sad stories here

Nicky

Pollyana

Going back a few years.....I was home and saw my Dad in February, i knew he was sick but found out later he didn't want treatment, and didn't want to let on to me how sick he was.come late May he was clearly in serious trouble, but insisted that he did not want me to go over and see him. He wanted me to remember him as he was. And being the dutiful daughter, i listened.
I also talked to my sister, and we agreed that It made more sense to wait till he had passed away, then go back for the funeral as she had three young kids and they adored their grandfather. She needed the help and support dealing with them. And it worked. The kids leaned on me instead of on their mum, who had done a lot caring for Dad at the end, and was exhausted. I was ( as she put it) more help with the people still living than I would have been to the one now gone. It worked well for all of us, we have many precious memories of those days together for the funeral and the aftermath, and I know that is what my Dad would have wanted.

But each family is different, all I can say is to do what feels right for you and those close to you. Forget what is 'expected' by the wider world, and go with what will give you peace in the longer term.

Bikergirl

After much talking with my husband, we have decided that we will go back later in the year together.

Whilst I know I don't need to explain any decision, the rational behind that decision is that being realistic my husband is my rock and as great as my family are, I could not cope with a bereavement being half a world away from him. Neither could I cope with the being in transit and my Nan passing away.

My Nan is managing small amounts of pureed food, however she does have a fracture in her lower spine and pneumonia (which the doctors believe is being aggravated by food entering her lungs) amongst other long term conditions, which she is not receiving any medication for now. Her breathing function has reduced again. Unfortunately she does not feel able to cope with any Skype chats, and is very aware that she is difficult to understand when she is talking.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and difficulties with me, as it has helped our thought process at what is a very emotional time.