Bikergirl

Well my husband and I now have the confronting decision to make this weekend in relation to making the trip back to the UK following a significant decline in my Nan's health (including loss of swallow reflex and declining of a nasal feeding tube - she has the mental capacity to decide).

I know this has to be our decision alone to make but what did other people decide and how did you feel about the decision at the time and since.

It is my mum's mum and my mum died 4 years ago (still regret that I got there 5 minutes after she died- was still living in UK at the time). My nan is 92 years old. Time off work is not a concern for me but my husband is about to start a new job so slightly more challenging for him. He hasn't been back since we arrived, I went back for my Nans 90th. Money isn't a problem either.

I could go now or we could go slightly later in the year to pay our respects (always on the cards that we would visit later this year anyhow). I am swinging between both at the moment.....

Kelli28

Do what you want to do and not what others think you should do.

Bikergirl

I know we need to make the decision for ourselves, what i am asking is for people to share their experiences both in making the decision and their feelings since then as to did they make the right decision in going or not going back.

I am not sharing mine or my husbands thoughts at the moment so we can make that decision for ourselves but feedback from others may highlight something that we hadn't thought about to add into our considerations.

moneypenny20

My thoughts. Got a call last year to say the mother, who had always been as fit as a flea was going into hospital for some simple tests. A couple of days later another call to say she'd had a minor stent put in place. A day or so later got a call to say she was in a bad way, it wasn't looking good and the docs weren't sure how long she'd go but it was at most a couple of months. Took the decision that me and the girls would go back to say goodbye. Husband was not interested for many reasons. Wasn't fussed about the funeral but even though we didn't have a great relationship I didn't want the later thoughts of 'damn I should have made the effort'. Two hours before we left for the airport I got the call to say she'd died. We went and did the funeral.

I was a tad pissed that she hadn't hung on but we're grateful that we didn't see her because apparently she looked really bloody awful at the end and we, thankfully don't have that memory but my brother and sister do.

Depending on how close your husband is to your gran, I'd consider going without him. She's obviously very important to you so you should go.

carolinephillips

My dad died of cancer induced dementia two and a half years ago. My sister was his main carer until he went into hospital 5 months before he died. She told me not to come, and to keep my happy memories of him, as he was in a very bad way, and hallucinating. We came back for the funeral.

In some ways I regret not being able to help my sister, but she wanted to do it all- said with MS I wasn't capable. In others, I am glad I didn't have to look at a shell of a human who eventually couldn't talk, recognise anyone, and who was a doubly incontinent skeleton.

Whatever you decide to do, my sympathies are with you. It is tough either way.

Bermudashorts

If money and time off really isn't a problem then consider doing both, now and perhaps later is something to consider. Don't underestimate how bad you might feel if you miss a funeral. It is, as you say about showing respect for someone you loved and also it is about supporting family.

If you can only do one, then perhaps going now is more important, as then she gets to see you perhaps for the last time. I would probably go without your OH if it is difficult for him at the moment, of course it would be nicer if he could come too but at end of the day it is your grandmother not his.

quoll

I missed a lot of funerals in 32 yrs - my folk always said "don't bother to come back when we've gone!". I didn't go back for my grandmother - I was 3 days away from having DS2 at the time but I wouldn't have gone anyway I'm pretty sure - there were plenty to farewell her. If I'd been on the other side of the world and something had happened to one of my parents, I'd have been there like a shot - to support the other (I'm an only child - had I had siblings I might have been marginally less inclined).

I am sorry you and your family are going through this right now, it is hard and the next few weeks are going to be difficult for you all - whatever decision you make today will be the right one!

moneypenny20

I always said I wouldn't go back for death/funeral but then when push came to shove there was no doubt I was heading back to say goodbye. The husband has been adamant since day one he had no intention of going back for any reason. After talking to his step father the other day who looks to be Hospice bound in the next few months, he said he had to renew his passport now so wouldn't be in a panic when the time came. Really surprised me.

rasen78

I struggled with making the decision when to go. I wanted to go in time to spend some quality time with my mum, but just didn't know when. We thought there was time. We made the decision soon after finding out her cancer was terminal. We kept it as a surprise, but then I spoke to my dad on the Weds and told him I would be there on the Saturday. I arrived at my brother's on the Saturday morning and he had to break the news to me that she had passed away while I was en route. She died just less than 5 weeks after the terminal diagnosis was given. We had been told she would have another 6 months. I think it was the chemo that actually took her. I am thankful that I never saw her in the final stages, although I have seen a photo and she was quite literally a skeleton. The last time I saw her was on Skype about 2 weeks before, and although she looked frail, she was still my mum. I also saw her in the chapel and really wish I hadn't. I had to spend the next 3 weeks arranging her funeral, when I had hoped to be helping her do a bucket list.

My opinion? Go now. You have experienced regret before, don't risk it again.

cresta57

Our trip back last year was only because Deb's brother was terminal. We went back & watched him deteriorate over the course of two months [from walking to the pub with us to being in a coma 3 days before we left]
Not a heap of fun for anyone, however we were glad we went. He died exactly a week after we got back. Very sad & heartbreaking for Deb's parents as we had decided before we left the U.K that we wouldn't go back for a funeral. Things were a little tense as Deb's dad begged her to go back despite her bro stating in no uncertain terms that it was not what he wanted.
Do what you decide is best for you not what is best for family. Personally I'd go back to say goodbye to a sick relative, not for a funeral.

northernbird

I agree with Cresta.

Dorothy

Me too.

koalakim

Hi

I have the same at the moment as well, my Dad's not been well for a few months then had pneumonia twice and then they found a nasty during tests. We were planning on going back in a few months when we found out as we had hoped once over the infection he would get a bit better but now I'm thinking it might have to be sooner as he may not get any stronger.

It's not easy being an only child on the other side of the world. I knew this day would come but had hoped it wouldn't be for ages. Especially as we run a couple of businesses and that makes it more complicated than being employed in some respects.

I too have seen a friend at the final stages when you wonder how someone could still possibly be alive, it's something that still haunts me and I really hope people pass before they get to that point as it's so heartbreaking.

People can go at any time, even if you are 5 minutes away so I'm trying to get things into perspective even though it's difficult. It's worse when you know someone is ill as you are always on edge all the time. FIL had a heart attack out of the blue, it was a shock but easier to deal with in some respects. I guess it's just the unknown, how long, how bad will it get that is hard to cope with.

Bikergirl, sounds like you are in a pretty good position to go if you can get time off work and have the funds, these are usually things that constrain most people with knowing when to go.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.

BadgeIsBack

It has not been discussed in my family and probably never will.

Most people die of extreme old age and that's it. If I got a call I would go but could not guarantee to get there on time. The official line might be - 'don't bother for me' but I would go just to get back to the old country - sound mercenary - almost certainly.

I missed out on all the Grandparent's send offs ...I was overseas every time - by accident or circumstance and with one still failed to get back for the 'official' Cathedral Commemoration Service due to a mix-up at Heathrow at the taxi rank - the driver did not want to take me. Therefore I don't think I have ever been to a family funeral but there is always a first time.

That is all.

sj oldfield

You need to go with your instinct!
Many on here know my story, I didnt make it back in time to say goodbye to my dad, and as a result, I suffered from depression, maybe bought on by guilt, in addition to many comments from my family, stating that 'I should have been there at the end"
I have had to live with that, and I have many regrets for not seeing him before he passed!

On the other hand, my husbands brother was quite sick, no one knew exactly what was wrong with him, only that he was going downhill fast. It seemed like he had a brain injury, but no diagnoses was made
Mick flew back to the uk to see him, now taking into account he is self employed, and no work means no pay, it cost us a small fortune him being gone for 3 weeks, in addition to the cost of the flight!
Mick arrived home on the Saturday night, then on the monday night we got ' that' call.......at the age of 47 his brother had died
I asked Mick if he intended going back again, he just glared at me and stated that of course he was, as he unintended carrying his brothers coffin
So on the Wednesday, just 4 days after I had picked him up from the airport, I was back down there dropping him off
He boarded the flight, with a burst ear drum from the previous flight, and was back on his way to the UK
We couldn't really afford it, as in total it had cost us almost $10, 000 in flight money and loss of wages, money we didnt have, but he said he had to do it!
He has never suffered from the guilt, that I suffered from, he also managed to come to terms with his brother dying quite quickly, maybe because he had that chance to say goodbye
As said, only you can make that decision, but whatever you decide I wish you well