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Made me laugh...
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. |
Re: Made me laugh...
Oh, very, very funny... I must remember to treat the cat better when we get a dog:rofl:
M;) |
Re: Made me laugh...
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
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Re: Made me laugh...
:rofl::rofl::rofl: nice one
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Re: Made me laugh...
Oh I love it very funny :thumbsup:
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Re: Made me laugh...
sooo funny, and true I think :rofl::rofl:
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Re: Made me laugh...
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:....loved it!
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Re: Made me laugh...
Absolutely true...... Scientists have the original diaries.........
love it:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup: |
Re: Made me laugh...
Loved it:rofl:
Here is my favourite: How To Give A Cat A Pill 1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7.Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band 11.Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. |
Re: Made me laugh...
Originally Posted by s/nurse
(Post 6407309)
Loved it:rofl:
Here is my favourite: How To Give A Cat A Pill 1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7.Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band 11.Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. |
Re: Made me laugh...
Oh I love that one. I used to be a Vet nurse and we held a pair of leather gauntlets (the type you use for falcons and such) for moggies that didn't want their pills. I still can't get one of mine to take them and get the squirty kind of wormer in a syringe which is great as long as it doesn't turn away!
Our cats are definitely the boss ladies in this house. One of our cats sits in the door way so the dog can't get past and the other jumps on top of the dog's toy and sits there grinning and daring him to come and get it. You can tell they think he's daft. :lol: |
Re: Made me laugh...
Originally Posted by kiwinow
(Post 6407667)
Oh I love that one. I used to be a Vet nurse and we held a pair of leather gauntlets (the type you use for falcons and such) for moggies that didn't want their pills. I still can't get one of mine to take them and get the squirty kind of wormer in a syringe which is great as long as it doesn't turn away!
Our cats are definitely the boss ladies in this house. One of our cats sits in the door way so the dog can't get past and the other jumps on top of the dog's toy and sits there grinning and daring him to come and get it. You can tell they think he's daft. :lol: Next doors cat tried to be smart with our dog. The cat was under the hedge seperating the neighbours garden from mine, and kept hissing and taking swipes at my dog who clearly didnt want this intruder in HIS garden. Dog kept taking a step forward towards the cat, barked, took a step back but the cat was having none of it. After about 5 minutes of this my dog had had enough and started to run up and down the length of the hedge. Took one final bark turned to his side, cocked his leg up and peed all over the cat! Then came strutting inside chest puffed out looking quite pleased with himself . The cat, realising it couldnt go anywhere had to sit there and take it until my dog finished then crept out shaking it's paws - hissed towards the dog then darted off somewhere. Of all the stupid things that dog had done he'd managed to redeem himself with that 1 act. I have never been so proud of that dog - apart from the time he pinned the cocky postman up against the wall. |
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