meelie

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket

meelie

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, 'Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!'

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, 'That's disgusting!'

Then the waitress says, 'You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.'

meelie

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...*

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT
LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,

"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,

"BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE
CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...


NAKED.

meelie

A Man Escapes From A Prison Where He's Been Locked Up For 15 Years. He Breaks Into A House To Look For Money And Guns.
Inside, He Finds A Young Couple In Bed.
He Orders The Guy Out Of Bed And Ties Him To A Chair.
While Tying The Homeowner's Wife To The Bed, The Convict Gets On Top Of Her, Kisses Her Neck, Then Gets Up And Goes Into The Bathroom.
While He's In There, The Husband Whispers Over To His Wife:

"listen, This Guy Is An Escaped Convict. Look At His Clothes! He’s Probably Spent A Lot Of Time In Jail And Hasn't Seen A Woman In Years. I Saw How He Kissed Your Neck. If He Wants Sex, Don't Resist, Don't Complain... Do Whatever He Tells You. Satisfy Him No Matter How Much He Nauseates You. This Guy Is Obviously Very Dangerous. If He Gets Angry, He'll Kill Us Both. Be Strong, Honey. I Love You!"

His Wife Responds: "he Wasn't Kissing My Neck. He Was Whispering In My Ear.he Told Me That He's Gay, Thinks You're Cute, And Asked If We Had Any Vaseline. I Told Him It Was In The Bathroom. Be Strong Honey. I Love You, Too."

meelie

Subject: Warning for women


Please pass this on to any woman you care about...

A new scam is being pulled on Essex women mainly in broad daylight.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.

While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this.

They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday .....................I couldn't find them on Sunday.

don544

a three year old boy is examining his testicles in the bath. "mommy, are these my brains" he asks, "not yet!" she replied

Wendy

ub40fan

A man walks into a Ferrari dealership.

He browses around, then spots the car of his dreams and walks over to
inspect it. As he bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small
fart escapes him.

Extremely embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.

But, as he turns back, there standing next to him, is a salesman.

"Good day, Sir, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, he asks, "What is the price of this lovely
vehicle?

He answers, "Sir, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just
touching it, you're going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price".

phoenixinoz

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come
work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Wendy

A man and wife attended church one evening,
and the wife decided that it was time to stop her
husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took
her hat pin and decided she would poke him
every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who created the
Universe?" The wife poked her husband
and he awakes and yells, "My God!"

The second time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who died on the
cross for you?" She pokes her husband
and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"

The third time, the Preacher asks,
" And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?"

The wife pokes her husband and he jumps
up and yells, "By God, if you poke me
with that thing one more time,
I am going to break it OFF!"

Wendy

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.



"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."



"Yes, but are you good in bed?"



"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Ransi

Clever Dick...

OBI WAN

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that
he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a bright flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch
doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor replies, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it
will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So, he
is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly
he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"