geordie mandy

Or even in a public space.
The reason i ask the question is my youngest boy who has aspergers is what can i say challenging at times when i have to take to get any shopping, go to any drs or generally any where in public. Thank fully he can have days where the only hassle he gives me is in having to walk on the red squares only from the car park to the drs or insisting on going a certain route to the toilet.
However there have been days where he has meltdowns and screams at me for what to some seem like insignificant things.
I have some people who tutt at me and mutter under their breath stupid woman or bad mother. Ive even had one woman report me to security as my son was what she percived to be a nutter.
Thank fully ive had some really nice people who could see i was distressed at his behaviour and managed to help me calm him down and seemed to understand. Infact one woman who witnessed a scene when i had to get him new shoes was an angel and distracted him by asking himself. However i wish more people would be as undertanding
So what would the people of BE do if they saw a mother struggling with a difficult child?
Mandy

eddie007

You're asking some one who screamed herself blue in the face at an unruley kid in sainsburys just as her old nurse tutor walked past????????

Seriously... Parents usually know how best to sort out their own kids... I have been known to offer empathy... "jeez... You think that's bad, you should meet mine" God, mine were just like that at that age.....kind of thing but realistically unless you are up close and personal there's not a lot a "bystander" can do, other than NOT give you dagger looks.... And certainly not tut at you....

Not much help

Kapri

Mandy, I work for CAMHS, and I have seen families where neighbours have called the police on them because their ASD child has had a meltdown.
Sometimes it's because they were supposed to go to Granny's at 6pm and the plan changed, sometimes it's because they don't want to wear the itchy grey jumper.
It's very distressing for the families involved.

If I see a child having a tantrum in public, I try and give the parents a sympathetic look, or I say something sympathetic.

Obviously, this wouldn't be the case if I thought the parents were mistreating the child (swearing, shouting,pushing, grabbing etc). But, it should be easy enough to work out their intentions.

GilraenH

You would get all my sympathies, hopefully a kind look and mind my own beeswax. Good luck and do not fret over the nutters, it is so nice to be perfect, though I've yet to find a perfect parent (including myself)

quoll

Like Kapri - it all depends on what the parental response is. If it is a kid having a major tantrum and the parent is doing all the right things then it's usually a smile, wink and "hang in there" or some other such sympathetic response.

If the parent is way out of line then I might well make a notification (if I knew them) or if the kid is wearing uniform I might make an approach to the school and let them know what I had seen.

One of mine used to go blue, rigid and pass out when he howled so the best thing for me to do was to say "If you are going to do that, then lie down so you wont hurt yourself" and walk off. Got a few odd looks but it usually worked as he distracted himself by lying down. My sympathies are with anyone who has a challenging kid but belting 3 shades of hades out of them in public is not a great way to respond.

eddie007

When kevin was small she had a major wobbly in the town centre...lay down...kicking and screaming.... Because we didnt go through the "terrible twos" she was a little older went she went through that stage...

I went at sat down at a safe distance until she stopped....

Will never forget the woman with the frilly pink meringue in a pram....both really prissy .....looking down her nose at us.... I just thought to myself "you wait"

Its so much harder when they are older..... And when it isnt "just a stage"

Luthien

Aspergers Is the big difference here. People who know of the diagnosis will be understanding or make themselves scarce (which is about them and not you or your son). Many strangers in public places will be judgemental, particularly older women who have raised their perfect family. You will strike a few strangers who are gems and those small moments are the ones you should remember. Aspergers kids don't look any different and some will have an ADD diagnosis as well. Get specialist advice in your son's best interest on how to handle situations. There is a lot of info out there now. Block the world out if necessary and do what is best for you and your family. Develop a slightly thicker skin, smile, keep calm and carry on.

Luthien

Also, Medicare provides rebates for psychologist services for kids on the spectrum

http://www.psychology.org.au/medicare/


You may already have done so, but a good psych can give you lots of strategies to deal with challenging behavior. It will get a lot better.....

Chortlepuss

My child has asbergers and is now a tolerable teenager - still with issues but knows to avoid public/noisy places - she will take herself out of a restaurant/classroom calmly if it's all too much.
As a toddler her behaviour was just vile. Really, really bad. I wish I had been better informed so I could understand why, but I knew nothing about Aspergers (and neither it seems did the UK Drs I saw). Wouldn't have changed her behaviour, but it would have meant that I didn't blame myself for feeling like a bad mum. I didn't really understand her until she was assessed here by Minds & Hearts (a brilliant organisation here in QLD). So to answer your question, I'd just be relieved that it wasn't me that had to deal with it and feel sorry for you!

eddie007

Thats interesting... Mumbles, who has intellectual disabilities uses the taking himself out of the situation when he recognises things are getting too much for him.... Even When he has friends round if "play" starts to make him angry/upset.... THAT has caused problems in the past... We had friends round whose son was tormenting him, so he took himself off rather than get angry and the mother complained that she hadnt come round for mumbles to go off by himself.... I explained that's his way of coping/avoiding "bad" behaviour... But she still didnt "get it" and was quite offended ... Especially when I had to ask her son to "just let mumbles have some space" and not follow him into his room.... I had tried to expain in a kind way.... Maybe i didnt do a very goid job explaining.....

eddie007

By voiding bad behaviour... I meant his own, not other peoples....

The Crow

Before having my second child I would have tutted under my breath - after having my second I would have EVERY sympathy!!

MadMuvva

My daughter is with CAMHS and undergoing assessments. They think it's ADD. My son I don't think has it but his behaviour can be totally crazy too as they set each other off. We keep going out, trying to do family things, but half way through the activity question why we even bothered. Meals out usually come into this category. Only place we contemplate now is local Brewers Fayre as they have a soft play. Normally people are staring more at me as I usually appear on the edge on a breakdown. Oh well, sod them, they must have such perfect lives. Just shout out 'It's Aspergers' if you get sticky beaks having a nose. I totally empathise with how every day is a struggle and it completely takes it out of you. My son is dyslexic so struggle with homework with him. I don't judge behaviour anymore as you just don't know what's behind it.

carolinephillips

I sympathise with all of you who have children who in the eyes of the general public are "naughty". It is hard enough brining them up without the constant criticising of the ignorant general public, but that is what they are... ignorant. People tend to judge by what they know, and it might not be a lot.

Certainly I would try not to tut, after all I don't know the situation behind it, and unless trapped, I would walk away- the noise hurts me and I try to avoid crowds anyway (got my own issues perhaps?) I was lucky in that my daughter was generally well behaved in public, but she had a meltdown when it was time to leave a costume shop once and lay on the floor kicking and screaming. I told the shopkeeper I was going to go out of sight, explained to DD that we were leaving and she could stay there or come with me, counted to 3 and then walked round the corner (still in the shop). I got some filthy looks from another customer, but thankfully DD stopped in a few seconds and came running after us. She never had another one again in public. I probably scared her, so not sure if it was the right thing to do but she learned I meant what I said. Nothing worse than empty threats, as the child soon learns to disregard what you say. I never went back to that shop though as it was hideously embarrassing. I feel for anyone who has to go through the meltdowns in public.

Penny45

Interesting one, as the parent what would you prefer?

I normally try to pretend I haven't noticed and walk past with face averted as remember people looking at me when daughter having toddler tantrums and I hated it!

Sometimes I'd like to offer a sympathetic smile or a helping hand but think I have a fear of being rebuffed or told off for interfering. So maybe more people are like me and seem 'cold' just because they don't know how to act/what to do for the best.