How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Nov 6th 2009, 2:10 pm
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 68
How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hello
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Nov 6th 2009, 2:18 pm
#2
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Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Beyond the Pale
Posts: 963
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hi there
from the sounds of it, there's really only one viable solution ... hope this helps
from the sounds of it, there's really only one viable solution ... hope this helps
Nov 6th 2009, 2:18 pm
#3
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hello
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Don't say anything bad about them to your husband because he will feel forced to take sides. Be sugary sweet towards them and carry on with your plans.
Noone trusts a 'bitch' so to speak so when your inlaws are being the monkeypig bitchdogs from hell, you will have kept a dignified silence while calmly and quietly planning your future, being a happy/cheerful person, and someone your husband can look forward to sharing his personal space with.
He will soon see what they are up to, being super nice and being a bitch are stark contrasts - guess which one will become the more obvious - yep you got it, the inlaws in their quest for bitchdom.
Dont let them cause fights between you and your partner, dont let them have any autonomy on your life - which is incidentally your life and not theirs.
Let them be the troublemakers in this and you will in the calmest and most discreet way, will get what you want and get to live in a place you want.
Nov 6th 2009, 2:18 pm
#4
Handsome Internet Guy
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 6,116
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Ok, here's what you do. Invite them round for a movie . First, decide which side of the couch they'll be sitting on when you watch the movie. Next, you'll need a fiber-optic camera, a palmtop computer, and something shiny. Hide the camera in the arm of the couch, aiming at where their faces will most likely be. Place the shiny object on the ground. Link the camera to the palmtop that you will hide on your side of the couch.
Next, you will need to prepare them a tasty meal. Go out and get whatever you'd need to make said meal. Then make it. This part is pretty straightforward unless you have no hands. If you have no hands, you are on your own.
Finally, you need an umbrella holder. Place eight umbrellas of various make and model and a louisville slugger in it. Place it next to your seat on the couch. The trick is to make it seem like it is supposed to be there.
Now, you must select a film that will work to your optimal advantage. I suggest a light hearted romantic comedy or hardcore porn.
Now, to spring your plan into action. When they come over, after a reasonable ammount of what will no doubt be awkward conversation, serve dinner. When dinner is over, casually suggest that you now watch the movie that you have selected. Rush to the couch to insure you get the proper seat.
Once the movie has started, grab an umbrella from out of the umbrella holder. Open it. They will be surprised by this, most assuredly. Now point to the shiny object. Use your hidden palmtop to watch for the moment when their attention is completly affixed on the shiny object. Now take the louisville slugger from the umbrella case and beat them to death .
Next, you will need to prepare them a tasty meal. Go out and get whatever you'd need to make said meal. Then make it. This part is pretty straightforward unless you have no hands. If you have no hands, you are on your own.
Finally, you need an umbrella holder. Place eight umbrellas of various make and model and a louisville slugger in it. Place it next to your seat on the couch. The trick is to make it seem like it is supposed to be there.
Now, you must select a film that will work to your optimal advantage. I suggest a light hearted romantic comedy or hardcore porn.
Now, to spring your plan into action. When they come over, after a reasonable ammount of what will no doubt be awkward conversation, serve dinner. When dinner is over, casually suggest that you now watch the movie that you have selected. Rush to the couch to insure you get the proper seat.
Once the movie has started, grab an umbrella from out of the umbrella holder. Open it. They will be surprised by this, most assuredly. Now point to the shiny object. Use your hidden palmtop to watch for the moment when their attention is completly affixed on the shiny object. Now take the louisville slugger from the umbrella case and beat them to death .
Nov 6th 2009, 2:22 pm
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Beyond the Pale
Posts: 963
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
mmmhmmm ... so really just a slightly more convoluted complimicated version of my solution? 
(necessity is the mother-in-law of invention)
cheers
shears
(necessity is the mother-in-law of invention)
cheers
shears
Nov 6th 2009, 2:22 pm
#6
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Or you could make them a meal and shit in it.
Nov 6th 2009, 2:25 pm
#8
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Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Beyond the Pale
Posts: 963
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
sorry roobush ... you're obviously feeling very frustrated and PP's [first!] reply is probably yer best option ... just come on here and have a rant whenever you need it ...
cheers
shears
cheers
shears
Nov 6th 2009, 6:12 pm
#9
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 380
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hi
I had similar problems with family in Australia when my husband and I decided we were going to move to the UK for 12 months. We had family members being really negative about the UK and basically trying to talk us out it when it was something we had been planning for about 4 years! We had the guilt trips too as well as comments to make us doubt our decision but after getting frustrated by it for a while we just decided to carry on with our planning and smile and nod whenever anyone said anything negative.
People will always have opinions and disagree with you, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them or take on their opinions. Have you tried to reassure them about it? It sounds like they are worried that you will forget about them or they won't have contact with you?
Try to be open and honest, hopefully once they realise it is happening they will have to deal with it.
Good Luck!
I had similar problems with family in Australia when my husband and I decided we were going to move to the UK for 12 months. We had family members being really negative about the UK and basically trying to talk us out it when it was something we had been planning for about 4 years! We had the guilt trips too as well as comments to make us doubt our decision but after getting frustrated by it for a while we just decided to carry on with our planning and smile and nod whenever anyone said anything negative.
People will always have opinions and disagree with you, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them or take on their opinions. Have you tried to reassure them about it? It sounds like they are worried that you will forget about them or they won't have contact with you?
Try to be open and honest, hopefully once they realise it is happening they will have to deal with it.
Good Luck!
Nov 6th 2009, 7:35 pm
#10
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 10,375
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hello
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
ummm, is that emotional blackmail or is it asking you to think about the reality of things that will smack you slap bang in the face once you get to OZ.I dealt with that stuff by saying garbage like, oh yeah its only a flight away
, boy did I have my head in the sand. My kids will shortly see my parents for the third time in 9 years.
Nov 6th 2009, 8:01 pm
#11
Account Closed
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,821
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Inlaws.. hmmm... I am not going to even get into some of the stuff i have had to deal with over the years..
However, I have worked this one out.. saying anything, getting wound up, doing stuff back never ever gets you what you want, ie, for them to pack it in....
The only thing that will work is to do what pleases you and your family regardless..
Just do what you have to in life and turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to a certain extent..
On the other hand, they are probably just worrying that they are going to miss you (or their son!) and aren't sure on how to cope with that.. your husband should really talk to them about it.. everyone who migrates goes through this with people (usually).. I found just telling people, look, pack a suitcase, get on a plane and when the plane arrives, we'll pick you up.. and then I reassured them that I will be in touch constantly via phone, skype blah blah blah.. no, of course it is not the same, but it won't be as bad as they think...
Good luck with it all!
Em x
However, I have worked this one out.. saying anything, getting wound up, doing stuff back never ever gets you what you want, ie, for them to pack it in....
The only thing that will work is to do what pleases you and your family regardless..
Just do what you have to in life and turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to a certain extent..
On the other hand, they are probably just worrying that they are going to miss you (or their son!) and aren't sure on how to cope with that.. your husband should really talk to them about it.. everyone who migrates goes through this with people (usually).. I found just telling people, look, pack a suitcase, get on a plane and when the plane arrives, we'll pick you up.. and then I reassured them that I will be in touch constantly via phone, skype blah blah blah.. no, of course it is not the same, but it won't be as bad as they think...
Good luck with it all!
Em x
Nov 6th 2009, 8:11 pm
#12
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 6,600
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hello
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Had to post on here as the inlaws are really getting on my wick, am I just being paranoid or are they using subtle emotional blackmail on my husband?
We're still in the thinking about stage of moving to oz and they got wind of it somehow and now we don't hear the end of it about how old they are, how they won't make a long flight trip to oz as too far, how important family is to kids... they are even asking the question directly now: are you moving to oz?
We skirt around the answer as we don't actually have one at the moment (!) but the directness is a bit unnerving and the SIL is now joining in... My OH says they aren't using emotional blackmail, but I can't see how he can fail to avoid to be influenced by this sort of subtlety...
My MIL is a dragon who is very persuasive when she wants to be and it's starting to cause a fair bit of tension between myself and my OH, mainly because it's really p****** me off! Why can't they leave us alone and let us make our own minds up? Grrrrr
Has anyone else had this sort of behaviour from family / inlaws and how have you dealt with it?
thanks in anticipation, roobush
Nov 6th 2009, 8:14 pm
#13
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Ormeau, Gold Coast, Qld
Posts: 368
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
Hi,
I have the inlaws from hell, I have managed to stay quiet for 10 years of them chipping away at me with really harsh words until about 12 months ago when we had a huge argument while talking on skype. I told them exactly what I thought and how they've treated me unfairly. My worst nightmare has happened and they arrived in oz to live on monday PP is right try and keep quiet and smile and carry on with your plans, you have to plan your future for yourselves not your inlaws! plus you will also gain your husband support over his family. It's been a long time coming for me but my husband is my rock and knows exactly what his parents are like and is gutted that they've moved here but on the upside they are planning to settle an hours drive away from us which means we won't have to see them much.
Anyway enough about my nightmare, don't let them get to you, good luck with your plans.
Allyson
I have the inlaws from hell, I have managed to stay quiet for 10 years of them chipping away at me with really harsh words until about 12 months ago when we had a huge argument while talking on skype
. I told them exactly what I thought and how they've treated me unfairly. My worst nightmare has happened and they arrived in oz to live on monday PP is right try and keep quiet and smile and carry on with your plans, you have to plan your future for yourselves not your inlaws! plus you will also gain your husband support over his family. It's been a long time coming for me but my husband is my rock and knows exactly what his parents are like and is gutted that they've moved here but on the upside they are planning to settle an hours drive away from us which means we won't have to see them much.Anyway enough about my nightmare, don't let them get to you, good luck with your plans.
Allyson
Nov 6th 2009, 8:32 pm
#14
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Canberra
Posts: 8,378
Re: How to deal with interfering inlaws???
You may see it as interference but put yourself in their shoes perhaps.
They are getting older and probably scared that there will be no one to support them in their old age. If you have kids you are taking away a precious joy to them. If anything goes wrong for you on the other side of the world they wont be there for you. It sounds as if you are an integral part of their lives at the moment given that you obviously still speak to them
.
So, what would you expect people to do who see their lives being launched into turmoil by someone else's actions? They will start to grieve ahead of the event because the fear of it happening to them is very real - they will probably go through all the stages of grief that people go through with death. Although to you it will be an adventure, to them it will be a death like loss and you will get the denial, anger, numbness etc all rolled into one.
You obviously dont much like the MIL at the best of times and for all I know she could be the MIL from h*ll and you may need a medal for putting up with her at all but you do have to realize that your adventures are very scary for those you love and it takes a very strong and self sufficient parent to let their kids go with a cheery wave and no worries. Most of us are very selfish - as you will have to be to make a go of it as a successful migrant - and we all look at how things will impact on our lives.
Personally I have never had a problem with my parents - I took their only grandchild away from them when he was 6 months old and they just worked out ways to make it work for them and did lots of visits but they were healthy and wealthy enough to do it - lots of people dont have that luxury. OTOH I have also waved my eldest goodbye and he now lives in UK and is likely to raise a family there in the future - no guilting there either. However this is just a personal trait, we can do it but lots of others just cannot and there is no shame in that.
How you deal with her? Heavens knows, but dont automatically think her a conniving b*tch, she may just be a woman who sees her life falling to the ground around her and doesnt know how to deal with it. Just think how you will feel if (as is quite likely) your kids up and tell you that they are taking your grandkids to the other side of the world. Good luck with it!
They are getting older and probably scared that there will be no one to support them in their old age. If you have kids you are taking away a precious joy to them. If anything goes wrong for you on the other side of the world they wont be there for you. It sounds as if you are an integral part of their lives at the moment given that you obviously still speak to them
.So, what would you expect people to do who see their lives being launched into turmoil by someone else's actions? They will start to grieve ahead of the event because the fear of it happening to them is very real - they will probably go through all the stages of grief that people go through with death. Although to you it will be an adventure, to them it will be a death like loss and you will get the denial, anger, numbness etc all rolled into one.
You obviously dont much like the MIL at the best of times and for all I know she could be the MIL from h*ll and you may need a medal for putting up with her at all but you do have to realize that your adventures are very scary for those you love and it takes a very strong and self sufficient parent to let their kids go with a cheery wave and no worries. Most of us are very selfish - as you will have to be to make a go of it as a successful migrant - and we all look at how things will impact on our lives.
Personally I have never had a problem with my parents - I took their only grandchild away from them when he was 6 months old and they just worked out ways to make it work for them and did lots of visits but they were healthy and wealthy enough to do it - lots of people dont have that luxury. OTOH I have also waved my eldest goodbye and he now lives in UK and is likely to raise a family there in the future - no guilting there either. However this is just a personal trait, we can do it but lots of others just cannot and there is no shame in that.
How you deal with her? Heavens knows, but dont automatically think her a conniving b*tch, she may just be a woman who sees her life falling to the ground around her and doesnt know how to deal with it. Just think how you will feel if (as is quite likely) your kids up and tell you that they are taking your grandkids to the other side of the world. Good luck with it!
