DebraH

bit bored so sorry for the jokes:

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over.”

geordie mandy

that has just put a smile on my face
Mandy

DebraH

i'm just using my time up before a reflexology session

Wendy

Brilliant

kporte

jelly baby goes to the doctors, says " i think i have VD"

" you can't you're a jelly baby ! " says doc.
" but i've been with allsorts" says jelly baby.
sorry!!

stevemich

Whats the difference between a sheep and a Skoda?

It is more respectable getting out of the back of a sheep...

kporte

skodas are pretty good now.

DebraH

don't be i like the short silly jokes

kporte

in that case did you hear about the clown who was fired at the circus?
he sued for funfair dismissal.

DebraH

oh dear

Fiona&malc

Very Funny

davykaz

the wee short daft ones are always the best
keep em comin

thebears

You have more chance with a sheep

steve99

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM, others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded
and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesnt
always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

belleandscone

Her's one that made me giggle. Bit long but worth it.

ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.....?

I was sitting at my desk when wondering where to lead our Development team.....when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to K. Lek. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Jean Marc. Could I please speak with Khun Lek?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Lek's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.So me...?

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was having difficult time with my Executive V.P or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced on the mobile phone, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from AIS. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ................."That's because you're an arsehole!"

One day I was at the Central Departmenrt Store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot to park my beautiful Jaguar. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live on Sukhumvit soi 11 - 238. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is k. Vinnai," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, K. Vinnai ?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, k. Vinnai...., can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"K. Vinnai , you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is K. Vinnai I said."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Arsehole, I live at Soi 11- 238, a yellow house, with my black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, arsehole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at Soi 11-238, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in this Sukhumvit area.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Soi 11. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of two cop cars, an ambulance stand by and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.................. Anger management really works.