TraceyW

O.k I'll start

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a *****"!

TraceyW

Oooh and another one!

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is

absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone

has a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and

shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied

career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then

goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he

finishes, the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz

chord, play a Jazz chord!"

A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives

straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat

minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with

this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! Play a Jazz chord,

play a jazz chord!"

Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his

playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay,

you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing ........

.
"A jazz chord, to say I ruv you .."

joeyballantyne

sweet

BRICKY ADE

tucs

you are good my friend.
I posted this on the wrong thread so excuse me if you have heard it before

An 8-year-old went to her dad and asked him, “Daddy what is sex?”

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, “Why did you ask this question honey?”

The little girl replied, “Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”

tucs

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I`ll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn`t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What`s going on down there?"
The man replied, "I`m checking out the rear axle, it`s busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you`re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

tucs

An Essex girl is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.
"Are you all right?" he asks her.
"Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything," says the Essex girl.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks.
"Oh, no!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down, too!"

Wendy

tiredwithtwins

pmsl at them all!!!

little boy walks into the bathroom while his mum his having a bath.
he stands and looks at her for a couple of seconds before asking ''what are those for mummy'' and pointing at her breasts.
''these are my air pillows son, and when i die they float me up to heaven''
''ah'' said the boy ''that explains it''
the mum smiles and settles back into the bath.
''mummy, i think the au pair is dying'' the boy says after a few seconds silence
the mum sits up startled and says ''what makes you say that son!?''
''well, daddy is laying on top of her, blowing her air pillows up and shes shouting 'god im coming!' ''

Wendy

Ooops!!

meelie

Ok here goes, probably get the thread deleted but what the heck eh!
A little boy takes his sisters cat to school. The teacher asks him why he's brought it in as its not 'bring your pet in day'. The little boy solemnly says ' I was frightened cos I heard my sisters boyfriend say he was going to eat her pussy.

urbancarrot

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

yafm

Couple sitting together and the man says "Honey I don't ever want to be dependent on a machine in a vegetative state being given liquid by a bottle; please promise me you will pull the plug!"

His wife got up immediately, pulled the plug out of the television and poured away his beer. :scared:

tabby