Forgiveness..
 

Have you forgiven anything really big in your life? People who've done horrid things to you for example?

How long did it take for you to forgive and was it one sided? Did the other party do anything to help the process? Say 'sorry' for example?

Or is there something which you can't forgive and wish you could?

Re: Forgiveness..
 

If asked I would generally say that I am a forgiving person, but I gave some thought to this matter a while ago and i'm not actually sure that I really am. I don't exactly bear grudges in so far as I put things out of my mind and don't dwell on them, but that really isn't forgiveness, it's just my somewhat idle ostrich like way of dealing with things. Every so often "crimes" against me spring back into the forefront of my mind not in a grrrrr way, just in an "oh yes that happened" sort of way, but if I don't forget, have i ever really forgiven?

I think overall I'm just too emotionally lazy to bother to bear grudges :rofl: I realise that this doesn't really answer your question at all :blink:

Re: Forgiveness..
 

I thought I was a forgiving person until I read this and realised that's just like me too :lol:

I did have something pretty terrible happen to me when I was 13 (not going to elaborate on here though). If I saw that person in the street, then I would probably be OK with them, but I have never forgotten what they did and don't think I ever will. I have come to be at peace with it though - not sure that's the same thing though :confused:

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Neither of you are helping. :D

Although I realise that 'forgiving' has different meanings to different people. Being 'at peace' with something that happened to you is possibly the place I'm aiming for...
It's the 'how to get there' which is the difficult part.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Took me a lot of years to get there. I think living in a different country helps though :D

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I am all of the above too.

I did write my story but it's a bit too personal. I thought I was forgiving but I'm not, I'm just good at keeping it locked up. Can you ever truly forgive and forget if someone has hurt you so bad...? I hope so. I would love to know how :)

For those who do something that needs forgiveness, karma always comes back around... ;)

Re: Forgiveness..
 

I think I am 'at peace' with mine because I can walk away knowing that I did everything in my power to help the situation. I can't forgive them, I missed out on something I can never get back, but they have to live with their actions for the rest of their lives.

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I think being at peace with something doesn't necessarily require forgiveness. I used to dwell on things too much when I thought someone did something wrong towards me. But, now my view is that I dont need to make any effort if its been entirely inflicted on me by someone else. If i needed to defend my name, I'd question my choice in friends.

Basically, if I find myself needing to forgive someone, I'd be more interested in not taking the problem onboard and get on with my life. They may seek forgiveness. I think thens the point to put it out of your mind. I dont believe thats bottling it up, just not having it as an issue in your life.

Its hard to approach all problems the same way and I, fortunately, have never had anyone do anything seriously bad to me. But, I imagine that i would benefit more from focussing on whats good in my life instead of feeling hatred towards someone who doesnt deserve the energy.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

I think it depends on your take of what 'forgiven' is.

I have an ex husband who cheated on me and then made it difficult when I dared to leave him and ask for a divorce. I am at peace with him now, it doesn't bother me any more I have moved on and remarried, what happened - happened and I no longer even think about it - Forgiven

My 15 yo son was run over by a drink/drug driver who did a runner leaving him with multiple injuries (he is now 24 and fine) I can never ever forgive that low life/scum for causing my gorgeous caring son so much pain and for causing myself (and family) the devastation that only another mother might understand at being told her son might have brain damage and will be in a wheelchair for a while. - I can never forgive this and nor do I wish too.

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No I don't blame you, I wouldn't either ever. There are some things in life that you can't just forgive, what you have to do for your own sanity is accept what has happened and try and move on with your life but again easier said then done.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Streaks is right. As many other things in life, it depends...
I have been in a situation where somebody I trusted hurt me. I never told anyone about it until I heard that they had also hurt my younger sister. I had been able to put what happened to me out of my mind, although that wasn't forgiveness as such. But I couldn't forgive myself for the hurt my sister had to endure because I hadn't spoken out. I am not sure I even have forgiven myself yet and it was over 25 years ago :( I know I should forgive myself but it's too much a case of 'what ifs'.
On the other hand, that person does not deserve forgiveness because to this day, they have not apologised. They don't care how much hurt they have caused. And how can you forgive somebody who doesn't care?

I believe forgiveness has to go both ways to be real. If the wrongdoer doesn't want/need to be forgiven, can they ever be forgiven? Not sure I'm making much sense here...?:unsure: And some things just can't be forgiven... Accepted, but not forgiven.

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I think the description of being at peace with stuff that happened is probably the best description. Also, I agree with knockoff nige in so far as it's very often best just not to let something affect you, just move on and get on with life.

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Ill let you know once my own situation is over, but I have a long time to wait till I get closure.

Forgive? possibly, forget? no ****ing chance.:frown:

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second that. Pretend as if nothing has happened, aka "start over"? F**k no.

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Maybe if forgiveness is asked sincerely by the causee (blimey! Is that a word?) you can reciprocate.

Other than that it's more a case of "revenge is a dish best served cold", file the episode into the nethers of the old grey matter or the hardest but (from my own experience, best) achieve a peace with it as a step in life's education.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Apart from several obvious things in life, I have always tried to maintain the attitude that forgiveness is good for a person's well being.

After all, it's not your karma at the end of the day. :)

I forgave my dad's witchy sisters (mum and dad were divorced) after their appalling treatment of me and my younger sister (who has learning difficulties) after he died, I won't go into the full story because it went on for so long. They lied to the priest about me, tried to make out to people that they paid for the funeral (lying cows all their lives). My husband paid for the full funeral and helped me sort everything out. They stole things from my dad's house and one of them was executer to his will (he really did not believe she would be such an evil bitch). She even kept the money that should have been divided between me and my sis (we seen a lawyer etc but it was useless, executer's really can do wtf they want). There was so much more but I'd be here all day.

They strongly believe that they are more important than my dad's children ("cos we is his sisturs" sort of attitude).

One thing they couldn't touch was the ashes (seen as they never paid for anything). Though it didn't stop them trying to get their hands on them.

I got over it. I got what I wanted in the end (my dad's ashes added into his family plot) - couldn't do it without them. So I forgave them for this reason. As I said - it's their karma at the end of the day. :thumbsup::);)

Re: Forgiveness..
 

IMO there are certain lines in life that you just dont cross. Someone crossed that line with me, she is now dead to me, and I will never ever forgive her or forget. Simple, No black and white.

However for most grey stuff, lifes too short, meh, in time I always get over it :nod:

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What's 'grey stuff'?

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Some things just cannot be forgiven.

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I don't know. Can forgiveness just work one way? You to them? Does it matter that they don't care?

Totally agree and that's my problem. The other side doesn't give a shit. Doesn't care. Doesn't think they need to be 'sorry'. They just carry on doing what they're doing and seem to think I should just be ok with it.

I'm not.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Love your pussy. ;)

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Forgiving someone who makes a mistake is fairly straightforward- you are forgiving the mistake. But when that 'mistake' is repeated, and repeated, then it is not really a mistake. Then you are faced with the prospect of either forgiving the person for who they are, or simply walking away. The latter tends to be less painful.

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Oh it's not a mistake. It's a continued hurtful thing that I must put up with.
I'm not really sure HOW to accept that person for doing it. I just don't know how to do it.

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If you 'must' put up with it, then that will just add to the hurt and feeling of being trapped - and they know you are a captive audience and will see no reason to change. Perhaps if in their mind you could create a doubt, that you may not put up with it forever, in other words get rid of the 'must', it may help both of you. Without knowing the exact circumstances, all of our replies will be shooting in the dark, and that can be very dangerous!

Re: Forgiveness..
 

The hardest person to forgive for mistakes made is.... Yourself.


I have one person I feel anger for... 20 years after the event.... She ripped my life apart and broke my heart in two... Told me she was sleeping with HIM... She wasnt, but I didnt ask HIM, I kicked HIM out.... It took a marriage and divorce on my part before I found out what really happened.... Or rather didnt...

Ok.... We got back together, had three more children, eventually married and immigrated.... A fairy tale ending for us but...

If I saw that nasty, spiteful slag today I would still want to punch her lights out.... i wouldnt do it, but I'd want to.... So I haven't forgiven her at all....

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I have 3 people on my 'do not forgive or forget at any cost' list and I would rather dig my own arse out with a fork than forgive them.

Fat ugly nasty wanking bastards - all of them, and it would never make me warm and fuzzy to forgive them, hating their nasty guts is far more satisfying.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

If someone continues to hurt then front them about it and if they carry on then that's just them and their makeup.

Either stay and keep getting hurt or choose to dump them cos they add no value to your life.

Easy as:thumbup:

Re: Forgiveness..
 

If the non-forgiveness is poisoning you and affecting your present and future, then you have lost - to live in hate and bitterness is a huge negative. Some folk you can forgive and rebuild relationships, some are that evil that you need to cut them from your lives completely, yet others you have to forgive and then walk away, the loss of their friendship might be hurtful, but their take on the issues shows no remorse, that's who they are, so move on.
And after fifteen years, I like to think I have forgiven, but whether I really have or not, not sure. What I won't do is allow it to affect my present and future wellbeing, and God's judgement is good enough for me.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Agreed. Someone did something unforgivable to the husband. I will never ever forgive them and they are the only person I have ever truly wished dead. However 17 years later and 12,000 miles away I rarely waste my time thinking about them.

If it's what I think it is, you will never move on unless one of you moves to the other side of the country. YOU are the winner, the other person has nothing, remember that, believe that, and you can even feel some sympathy. Learn to live with the fact that there are some things and people you can't forgive and don't think any less of yourself.

If it's something else the same reply probably stands. :D

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Stuff that can be looked at from two sides, said in anger, heartfelt apologies when you KNOW they really mean it and would never do it again or no crossing of lines. You just know when a line has been crossed, as I said, its black and white.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Well in this case theres nothing to forgive cos they aint bovvered!
The more you let it eat you, the more hurt and angry you will become and thats not healthy. How you move on? Acceptance. Accept that they have shit priorities and you dont. Accept that you cant change their actions as you cant control other people actions, just your own. Then concentrate on you and your actions and how you deal with the same situation and raise your glass to what a bloody better person you are :)

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But what if that person is someone really important in your life?

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be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to be at peace with whatever 'it' is. dont beat yourself up by thinking you should be over 'it' by now, or torture yourself with what might have beens or if onlys ... if its keeping you awake at night dont get mad with yourself; just think it through, write it down, read a book ... just dont let it get you down or rule your waking life - if you feel like its getting to you ask your gp to refer you for counselling.
one day you will suddenly realise that you are at peace with 'it' ...

:wub:

Re: Forgiveness..
 

sorry, for some reason i only got the first 10 or so posts in this trhead ... twas only when id replied that i got the full thread!

so if my post seems irrelevant ... i didnt know the full facts :o:starsmile:

Re: Forgiveness..
 

Its still the same? You cant make them feel something they dont.....can you?

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Can a person be more important than being happy?

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IMO life is too short to bear grudges or go around with hate in your heart. We all do things in our life that we aren't necessary proud of and probably cause hurt and upset to others. Things happen in life, some of which you have control over and others you don't.

I am a great believer in forgive and forget - it is freeing to the soul. That doesn't mean that person has to be let into/back into your life - just to let those feeling go and move on.

Re: Forgiveness..
 

:nod: Yes that sums up in the general "I've been wronged" arena how I feel about the idea of forgiving and forgetting: The inclusion of the: "hopefully you realise what you've done but you separately proceed along your lifes path and free from bitterness I'll proceed along mine".