roobush

Hello

My family and I are moving to melbourne in jan 2011.

I'm very excited as I can see a very promising future for us all out there.

BUT I'm also wracked with guilt.

I have a four year old son who loves his grandparents dearly. He has lots of cousins to play with and loves his preschool.

I feel so bad for taking him away from all of this.

He tells me that he doesn't want to move to Australia, why are we taking him away from everyone and everything?

I try and be very positive and excited about it, telling him what a big adventure it will be, but in reality I know that the first 6 months although exciting will be very stressful and it will be a big upheaval for all of us to start a new life out there.

Are there any other parents out there who have felt the same way?

How did you deal with it?

thanks,roobush

emma75

It is so hard. We are moving to Sydney in the next few weeks, OH is already there. I have a 5 and an 8 year, both boys and both of them have had mixed feelings although i am not entirely sure my 5 year old fully understands. I said goodbye to my nan at the weekend and all my relations from up north and it was horrible. My 8 year old was in tears and he is not even that close to my nan (his great nan) and i remember thinking OMG its just going to be horrendous when it comes to saying goodbye to my mum and my husbands mum who my boys are very close to .
I am just looking ahead and not back, It is easier for me as my husband will be waiting the other end and my dad and sister live out in Sydney too.
It is going to be tough, goodbyes always are but at least your little boy is at an age where he will adapt quite quickly.
Keep talking to him about all the great things he will see and do, my boys have come round to the idea now.
Skype is amazing too for when you are so far away. My OH has been gone 5 weeks and the boys skype him which has been great and i tell them that is exactly what they can do to speak to thir Nana and Nan nan when we get to Oz.
Good luck, it is a toughie!
Emma

Buzzy--Bee

I honestly believe that anyone who has close family they socialise with frequently should not emigrate anywhere at all as they will end up missing the family more than they realised and then blame the place they emigrated to for their unhappiness.

I appreciate this is not what either of you want to hear.

BB

Dorothy

Why do you play into it? He's 4! Our children said they didn't want to go and we very firmly explained that WE are the parents and until they are 18 WE decide what is best for them. Stop talking about moving, stop playing into this and stop telling him anything about anything. He's 4 years old and doesn't get a say.

Honestly, are you going to change all your plans because he cries and says he doesn't want to go?

Wendy

My youngest was 6 when we first got here, and I dealt with it by not feeling guilty as she was (is) very intuitive and would have played on that. I also have a son who came with us aged 13 who said that he'd be on the first plane back at 18.

We left their brother (my eldest who was 18) over there as he wanted to finish his studies. Also both kids were very close to their Grandma and my Brother.

I didn't ignore the fact that people would be missed, but also didn't let them dwell on it. I did let them know that we were only a phone call away, and that we could see each other on webcams whenever we wanted and also that we would see their brother in a year as he would be coming for a visit.

They are now almost 11 and 18 and whilst they miss people back there, they wouldn't go back there to live (I have asked them both numerous times since we arrived, and that was their opinion within a week of getting here!)

I know it's not always the same for everyone, but you have to do what you think is best for the kids and yourself.

emma75

Very true, you should not let your kids dictate to you. My son has said a few times he doesnt want to come and i have snapped back tough, you are coming.
However i totally understand the OP guilt about up rooting him. Should she make a decision based on how her 4 year old feels? I personally would not, but then thats me.

CEM

It is awful when your children are upset, but as long as you handle it sensitively I'm sure he'll be fine. He's four and should be allowed to voice and show his feelings and get answers to his questions. It's a big leap into the unknown for all of you and I'm sure he's picking up on your anxiety (even if you try not to show it).
You know your child best, but I used to tell mine (at the same age as your little boy is now) that I was a bit scared too, but we'd all be together to help each other. I found that was a good way of keeping the communication lines open. Even after we arrived mine used to talk about how they were feeling and would ask how we felt too. Once they were happy and settled it stopped. In fact they settled more quickly than I did!
I'm sure your little boy will be ok, it's probably more a fear of the unknown, rather than what he's leaving behind. It's a good age to do it - much harder when they're older, as mine were when we did it the second time!

elice_in_oz

I don't think I'd even ask my 4-year-old if he wanted to move. I'd present it as a fait accompli as close to departure as possible and that's it. Children at that age do not have the same concept of time and distance that we do. We tend to project our anxieties on to them.

My boys know who their grandparents are and that they come on a plane but they also think that they live in the computer monitor and in the phone

Children adapt easily and as long as you are not making too big a deal of things, your child will go along with it. He'll soon have more interesting to do and see than to pine for family back home. And he can tellthem all about it.

Now, I kind of agree with Buzzy--Bee, emigrating doesn't often work out for people who are very close to and emotionally dependent on their family and friends support network in their home country. I am close to my parents emotionally but they do my head in after a few days of living with or near them so them in France and me in Oz works out really well. It's not for everyone though.

moneypenny20

Another in agreement with Dorothy. I don't care how switched on or smart a 4 year old, the concept of moving to Australia is an impossible one to understand. Your child is (in my opinion) picking up on your subconscious worries (or spoken in front of him).

If you believe you are going to miss your family and friends badly then I honestly would reconsider the move. If you believe that your family and friends are of such importance to your son, I would reconsider the move.

Don't want to appear rude or negative but I am constantly amazed by people who 'appear' to be led by small children. My girls were 11 and 13 when we moved. They were told we were moving. Guilt? Yes obviously but ignored in all honesty.

CEM

That's true - even if you were moving within the UK, he'd have the same worries and concerns, the distance doesn't really matter.
A friend of mine has just arrived from Perth with her almost four year old and he keeps asking when he's going to England (he's here now!). It's hard to know what's really going on inside their heads. 'Australia' as a concept could just as easily be London or M&S, if they've never been before!

Zambia

I was 4 when my family migrated...did not hurt me any.

corfu

Hi roobush

SNAP! Everyone tells you not to listen to your 4 year old and ignore them. I am afraid I can't they are part of the family.

However, the way we have played it is, not over-mentioning it. As far as he is concerned we are going on a long holiday to Australia. We have showed him pictures of Mummy and Daddy there before he was born and tell him we want to take him now to show him all the amazing things.

Everyday his attitude changes, today as I was helping out at pre-school he made a line of bikes, pretended it was a plane and told everyone to get on the flight to Australia. Then the next day, he will get his globe and decide we are going to Iceland instead!!

I am racked with guilt on a daily basis and we are going in 8 weeks to Sydney.

At the end of the day roobush, I imagine that his world is defined by his parents and as long as you are with him reassuring him, he will be fine.

Caring about your chilldren's feelings is natural, just keep it low key and continue with the status quo and enjoy your last few months here.

Best of luck
Carmella

myrtle1

There is such an element of truth in this - though not sure I would have been ballsy enough to say this out loud ! We were "lucky" in that our families were never that close and we reckon this has helped us to settle quite easily. However, some friends of ours have struggled massively when they suddenly realise that they cannot cope here without their families whom they saw regularly within their home environment. To those people with close links to family, I would say think long and hard about emigrating - it can be a lonely process and you have to be tough and a little selfish to consider it - IMO!

DeadVim

If we listened to our 5yo on the subject of living conditions (and the possible improvement in the quality of life offered by changing them) then we'd be living above McDonalds.

myrtle1

You are going to have to be very tough and even a little bit cruel in the times ahead - though that may not be what you want to hear! I have a 9 year old who has been enthusiastic about our emigration every step of the way ..... until now, when we are beginning to see a few "wobbly moments." We made the move believing that it was in the best interests for us as a family and we explained that to him from the beginning. While he is making friends here, he is also starting to miss friends from the UK and is becoming more and more verbal about this. He wrote me a note yesterday morning telling me that he couldn't work out what to say with his words so wanted to write it down ... He wrote that he "wanted to go back to the UK" where he "wanted to be with proper friends" again and other stuff too that really tore at my heartstrings. Then 5 mins later he was jumping around and larking about! I did point out that he doesn't miss these friends enough to sit down and e-mail them or write them a letter or skype them ..... We had a long chat, reminding him of the reasons we came to Australia. We reminded him that he does many activities here - that he loves - which we weren't in a position to do in the UK and we explained that he was going to have to be strong here while settling in as it takes time for all of us to make friends and feel truly settled. While we hate to see him unhappy, we are his parents and he has to be prepared to accept that we are making plans that he has to deal with. The majority of the time here he is happy, cheerful and confident. Kids are resilient and we are also aware that they can "play" you too, so we are careful with how we behave and act around him at the moment. It is hard but this is how we want it to be .... if he is still unhappy in 18 months time - then that may well be a very different scenario. Please feel free to pm me if you want to ask any questions ...