jcapulet

For the dog lovers (like me )...here's a place to share some dog jokes

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What's black and white and red all over?
an embarrassed Dalmatian

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Little Suzie was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Suzie's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

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What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone?

A golden receiver! ( )

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How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put it in your back yard!

Toontje

• Visitors
  • Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
• Barking
  • Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...
• Licking
  • Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
• Holes
  • Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
• Doors
  • The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
• The Art Of Sniffing
  • Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
• Dining Etiquette
  • Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
• Housebreaking
  • Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
• Going For Walks
  • Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
• Couches
  • It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
• Playing
  • If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself.
• Chasing Cats
  • When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun.
• Chewing
  • Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.

hilary6

How To Photograph A New Puppy...

** Remove film from box and load camera

** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

** Choose a suitable background for photo

** Mount camera on tripod and focus

** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

** Put magazines back on coffee table

** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

** Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

** Call spouse to clean up mess

** Fix a drink
** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

jcapulet

hilary6

PROPERTY LAWS


1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm chewing something up, all pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken or doesn't taste good, it's yours.

jcapulet

So true...especially #10

gruffbrown

Knock knock...

jcapulet

Roof roof?

lilstewie

A man goes to the doctor and says that he hasn't been feeling well lately. After taking the man's blood pressure, temperature and having a good old look at the mans body, the doctor says he will have to take a blood sample. A couple of weeks later, the man returns to the doctor for the results. The doctor tells him he has an incurable disease and there is nothing to be done for him . Obviously feeling really depressed and hurt, the man says he wants a second opinion and goes to another doctor. The second doctor looks at the original diagnosis and says he agrees. At this the patient says that he doesn't believe the results and asks the doctor to reconsider. The doctor leaves the room and returns with a well groomed siamese feline. The siamese looks the patient up and down, looks at the doctor and shakes it's head and leaves. The doctor then leaves the room again and returns with a large black dog which sniffs the patient from head to toe, whines pitifully at the doctor and leaves.
The doc then tells the man that he was correct in his diagnosis and there would be a fee of £250. The man is enraged at this and asks why, to which the doc replies.......
£100 for the cat scan and £150 for the lab report.
Crap i know but the best i can come up with involving a dog.

hilary6

Not really a doggie joke but here goes....

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..............whispering:...... Dave..............................



you're a Vet !!!

possoms

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!