Devastated
May 27th 2010, 6:26 am
#31
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Devastated
Thank you all.....
It's been a long week or so since he's been gone.
Only mum and some friends of ours have been particularly supportive, some thought to send flowers which was really lovely.
However the lack of thought by husbands family just seems to rumble on....
We got told by my daughters childminder last night that the obituary was in the paper Saturday just gone !!!!
STRICTLY NO black !!!! AND NO flowers !!
An you'd think someone out of the family would have thought to tell us that??? Silly us for giving them that much credit.
Mr JenJen last rang and spoke to his parents Friday, he tried the other day and over the weekend but no one was home.
No one has rung to see how he is or the kids are since last Wednesday...
Being kept in the dark by his family is just addding to the grief and upset he already feels......
We will take our older two to the funeral but Mr JenJen doesn't want to go to the wake so we will come back home and maybe set off some balloons - let the kids write they're messages to him rather than go the wake where it doesn't feel like we're wanted.
All very sad.......
It's been a long week or so since he's been gone.
Only mum and some friends of ours have been particularly supportive, some thought to send flowers which was really lovely.
However the lack of thought by husbands family just seems to rumble on....
We got told by my daughters childminder last night that the obituary was in the paper Saturday just gone !!!!
STRICTLY NO black !!!! AND NO flowers !!
An you'd think someone out of the family would have thought to tell us that??? Silly us for giving them that much credit.
Mr JenJen last rang and spoke to his parents Friday, he tried the other day and over the weekend but no one was home.
No one has rung to see how he is or the kids are since last Wednesday...
Being kept in the dark by his family is just addding to the grief and upset he already feels......
We will take our older two to the funeral but Mr JenJen doesn't want to go to the wake so we will come back home and maybe set off some balloons - let the kids write they're messages to him rather than go the wake where it doesn't feel like we're wanted.
All very sad.......
Funerals can have a big effect on children but its important they get to say goodbye and if its handled sensitively, they will be just fine.
You are wise not to go to the Wake as that is when some of the pettiness can surface and for little ones to witness that kind of stuff could have a long lasting effect.
As you say, go home, set off some balloons, raise a toast to the person he was and celebrate his life, which will in turn teach your kids that although death/funerals are upsetting, it isnt anything that cant be managed and dealt with.
My mum made us promise to give her the best send off ever, and I remember her funeral with funny memories - she wanted the theme from Star Trek played at her funeral, she wanted the vicar to do the 'Trekkie' sign with his fingers and say 'live long and prosper', then we all left to the tune of Monty Pythons 'Always look on the bright side of life'.
We then had the biggest party the street had seen, everyone was there and we all got rat arsed and raised a glass to Mum who would have been furious at missing it.
Nope, no sad memories of my Mums funeral, so imagine if you could at least do something nice like setting off balloons for the kids.
Family rows and pettiness on their side will effect everyone, you bringing a positive ray of light to it all will have an even better effect on the kids.
May 27th 2010, 6:40 am
#32
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Helensvale - yipeeeeeeeee!!
Posts: 1,331
Re: Devastated
You know Jen, you might not be able to control how the inlaws deal with this but you can sure change the outcome for you and your family.
Funerals can have a big effect on children but its important they get to say goodbye and if its handled sensitively, they will be just fine.
You are wise not to go to the Wake as that is when some of the pettiness can surface and for little ones to witness that kind of stuff could have a long lasting effect.
As you say, go home, set off some balloons, raise a toast to the person he was and celebrate his life, which will in turn teach your kids that although death/funerals are upsetting, it isnt anything that cant be managed and dealt with.
My mum made us promise to give her the best send off ever, and I remember her funeral with funny memories - she wanted the theme from Star Trek played at her funeral, she wanted the vicar to do the 'Trekkie' sign with his fingers and say 'live long and prosper', then we all left to the tune of Monty Pythons 'Always look on the bright side of life'.
We then had the biggest party the street had seen, everyone was there and we all got rat arsed and raised a glass to Mum who would have been furious at missing it.
Nope, no sad memories of my Mums funeral, so imagine if you could at least do something nice like setting off balloons for the kids.
Family rows and pettiness on their side will effect everyone, you bringing a positive ray of light to it all will have an even better effect on the kids.
Funerals can have a big effect on children but its important they get to say goodbye and if its handled sensitively, they will be just fine.
You are wise not to go to the Wake as that is when some of the pettiness can surface and for little ones to witness that kind of stuff could have a long lasting effect.
As you say, go home, set off some balloons, raise a toast to the person he was and celebrate his life, which will in turn teach your kids that although death/funerals are upsetting, it isnt anything that cant be managed and dealt with.
My mum made us promise to give her the best send off ever, and I remember her funeral with funny memories - she wanted the theme from Star Trek played at her funeral, she wanted the vicar to do the 'Trekkie' sign with his fingers and say 'live long and prosper', then we all left to the tune of Monty Pythons 'Always look on the bright side of life'.
We then had the biggest party the street had seen, everyone was there and we all got rat arsed and raised a glass to Mum who would have been furious at missing it.
Nope, no sad memories of my Mums funeral, so imagine if you could at least do something nice like setting off balloons for the kids.
Family rows and pettiness on their side will effect everyone, you bringing a positive ray of light to it all will have an even better effect on the kids.
May 27th 2010, 9:47 am
#33
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,424
Re: Devastated
You know Jen, you might not be able to control how the inlaws deal with this but you can sure change the outcome for you and your family.
Funerals can have a big effect on children but its important they get to say goodbye and if its handled sensitively, they will be just fine.
You are wise not to go to the Wake as that is when some of the pettiness can surface and for little ones to witness that kind of stuff could have a long lasting effect.
As you say, go home, set off some balloons, raise a toast to the person he was and celebrate his life, which will in turn teach your kids that although death/funerals are upsetting, it isnt anything that cant be managed and dealt with.
My mum made us promise to give her the best send off ever, and I remember her funeral with funny memories - she wanted the theme from Star Trek played at her funeral, she wanted the vicar to do the 'Trekkie' sign with his fingers and say 'live long and prosper', then we all left to the tune of Monty Pythons 'Always look on the bright side of life'.
We then had the biggest party the street had seen, everyone was there and we all got rat arsed and raised a glass to Mum who would have been furious at missing it.
Nope, no sad memories of my Mums funeral, so imagine if you could at least do something nice like setting off balloons for the kids.
Family rows and pettiness on their side will effect everyone, you bringing a positive ray of light to it all will have an even better effect on the kids.
Funerals can have a big effect on children but its important they get to say goodbye and if its handled sensitively, they will be just fine.
You are wise not to go to the Wake as that is when some of the pettiness can surface and for little ones to witness that kind of stuff could have a long lasting effect.
As you say, go home, set off some balloons, raise a toast to the person he was and celebrate his life, which will in turn teach your kids that although death/funerals are upsetting, it isnt anything that cant be managed and dealt with.
My mum made us promise to give her the best send off ever, and I remember her funeral with funny memories - she wanted the theme from Star Trek played at her funeral, she wanted the vicar to do the 'Trekkie' sign with his fingers and say 'live long and prosper', then we all left to the tune of Monty Pythons 'Always look on the bright side of life'.
We then had the biggest party the street had seen, everyone was there and we all got rat arsed and raised a glass to Mum who would have been furious at missing it.
Nope, no sad memories of my Mums funeral, so imagine if you could at least do something nice like setting off balloons for the kids.
Family rows and pettiness on their side will effect everyone, you bringing a positive ray of light to it all will have an even better effect on the kids.
But I guess your mum wanted you to laugh and not look back on the day as the unhappy occasion that most funerals are.
Glad her send off was what sounded like the best ever.
May 27th 2010, 11:01 am
#34
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: Gloucestershire
Posts: 2,201
Re: Devastated
[QUOTE=TiddlyPom;8574907]Oh Jen. Big huge hugs girly.
I know you wanted your kids to see him, but honestly, seeing someone at the last few hours of their life is a sobering and hugely upsetting experience... I remember as a child visiting my grandfather in hospital. It was devastating and the sight of him dying will never leave my memory. It was shocking. Regardless of how I choose to remember him, his height, his vibrancy, his gentle humour and patience, all of that... I can still see him in that hospital bed.
I sometimes think that it's better for kids to not go to that place of near death when they're so young and just remember the wonderful people they knew when they were alive. There is plenty of time for death when we get older ... we get to that certain age and we lose people whom we've loved. Nothing prepares you for it. It's devastating.
I had the same experience as you. When I was 10, My "Mamma" (Grandma) was diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer at the Christmas and she eventually died in the April. It's not the case here Jen but I didn't see her at all during the intervening period and my parents just took me and my brothers to the hospital. I remember standing in the corridor outside the ward and my parents asking me if I wanted to go in and say "Goodbye". I vividly remember thinking that I didn't really want to but that I didn't want to let anyone down. I went in and the horror I felt was enormous. She had changed almost beyond recognition and I remember bending to kiss her and her pulling me to her with such strength that I was frightened as she had looked so frail. I really believe it provided her with great comfort and was so important and in that respect it was the right thing to do. For me though 30 odd years on I can still see her in bed and have had trouble remembering her for how she was before she got ill it frightened me so much (I'm crying as I type!). I don't believe that saying goodbye is always necessarily the best thing for children (although I think parents and immediate family would probably be a different matter). Having said all this, I think it's important to keep talking about the deceased and remembering happier times so that you can still keep these memories vivid. Unfortunately it was all just to sad for my parents and they didn't speak about it for years and if I tried, they just got so upset that I stopped doing it very early on. I hope you all find peace in your lives soon. X
I know you wanted your kids to see him, but honestly, seeing someone at the last few hours of their life is a sobering and hugely upsetting experience... I remember as a child visiting my grandfather in hospital. It was devastating and the sight of him dying will never leave my memory. It was shocking. Regardless of how I choose to remember him, his height, his vibrancy, his gentle humour and patience, all of that... I can still see him in that hospital bed.
I sometimes think that it's better for kids to not go to that place of near death when they're so young and just remember the wonderful people they knew when they were alive. There is plenty of time for death when we get older ... we get to that certain age and we lose people whom we've loved. Nothing prepares you for it. It's devastating.
I had the same experience as you. When I was 10, My "Mamma" (Grandma) was diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer at the Christmas and she eventually died in the April. It's not the case here Jen but I didn't see her at all during the intervening period and my parents just took me and my brothers to the hospital. I remember standing in the corridor outside the ward and my parents asking me if I wanted to go in and say "Goodbye". I vividly remember thinking that I didn't really want to but that I didn't want to let anyone down. I went in and the horror I felt was enormous. She had changed almost beyond recognition and I remember bending to kiss her and her pulling me to her with such strength that I was frightened as she had looked so frail. I really believe it provided her with great comfort and was so important and in that respect it was the right thing to do. For me though 30 odd years on I can still see her in bed and have had trouble remembering her for how she was before she got ill it frightened me so much (I'm crying as I type!). I don't believe that saying goodbye is always necessarily the best thing for children (although I think parents and immediate family would probably be a different matter). Having said all this, I think it's important to keep talking about the deceased and remembering happier times so that you can still keep these memories vivid. Unfortunately it was all just to sad for my parents and they didn't speak about it for years and if I tried, they just got so upset that I stopped doing it very early on. I hope you all find peace in your lives soon. X
May 27th 2010, 11:19 am
#35
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Devastated
Mum loved a laugh, for her 50th birthday she had a street party with balloons!
May 27th 2010, 11:45 am
#36
broken but got a visa! :
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: seaford,adelaide
Posts: 1,515
Re: Devastated
My thoughts are with you Jen,
I didnt get to say goodbye to my nephew - no one did and it hurts so badly.
When my lovely fil passed away he went slowly in a hospice - they were wonderful - however the family infighting reared its ugly head, as it can do in certain situations.
My hub and his sister got the call, less than 2hours after leaving the hospice, after being told by 1 brother that he'd spoken to the nurse that all was fine and he was hanging on still, the 2 bros stayed, thankfully so did the mil as the bro's had told her to go home too.
We were told when to attend the funeral home so's not to bump into any of them.
My hub was coldshouldered at the funeral by the 2 brothers - i was completely ignored pretty much by most of his side of the family.
Yet we were the ones who spent the most time with the fil and mil, helped sort things in advance, spent quality time with them etc.
You can talk to loved ones when theyve passed - they'll hear you.
Stay strong, and remember who he was, its better for the children IMO to remember the person as they were, not for how ill they were.
My heart goes out to your poor hub. xxx
I didnt get to say goodbye to my nephew - no one did and it hurts so badly.
When my lovely fil passed away he went slowly in a hospice - they were wonderful - however the family infighting reared its ugly head, as it can do in certain situations.
My hub and his sister got the call, less than 2hours after leaving the hospice, after being told by 1 brother that he'd spoken to the nurse that all was fine and he was hanging on still, the 2 bros stayed, thankfully so did the mil as the bro's had told her to go home too.
We were told when to attend the funeral home so's not to bump into any of them.
My hub was coldshouldered at the funeral by the 2 brothers - i was completely ignored pretty much by most of his side of the family.
Yet we were the ones who spent the most time with the fil and mil, helped sort things in advance, spent quality time with them etc.
You can talk to loved ones when theyve passed - they'll hear you.
Stay strong, and remember who he was, its better for the children IMO to remember the person as they were, not for how ill they were.
My heart goes out to your poor hub. xxx
May 27th 2010, 6:54 pm
#37
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,424
Re: Devastated
Yes over a week on I agree in that he was in so much pain we wouldn't have wanted them to see him like that....
However at the time we weren't told everything and that just added to the resentment and frustration
After all the hoo haa we're gonna pick up some balloons earlier that day and have them helium filled and then bring them back and leave them in a room... get some cakes for the kids and open a bottle of wine and JD for us, then pick up the little 2 all go out into the back garden the kids can either write on their balloon or leave it blank then we'll let our balloons go up to BIL
taking our love to him with them.
Life changed the day he died and I don't think our lives will ever be the same again...............
Our eldest hasn't slept properly since he passed away.... and he got held back from a couple of his classes as they've noticed he's been upset (he last cried about 3 years ago) he doesn't upset easily.
I think i'm doing ok til they get sad then my emotions go to pot...
We talk about BIL everyday sometimes it's hard and other times the memories keep it good...
I think with my grandparents the expectation as sad as it is is that they'll go at some point and you come to expect that call..
We were totally blindsided and nievley thought after he'd had surgery last year that it would all be ok....
Our eldest has recorded a song off the tv on the SKY + box sang by some fool called Chipmunk
but the song goes 'I didn't know how much i'd miss you until you were gone'
I know he feels that way - we all do.....
Whata cruel world we live in
However at the time we weren't told everything and that just added to the resentment and frustration
After all the hoo haa we're gonna pick up some balloons earlier that day and have them helium filled and then bring them back and leave them in a room... get some cakes for the kids and open a bottle of wine and JD for us, then pick up the little 2 all go out into the back garden the kids can either write on their balloon or leave it blank then we'll let our balloons go up to BIL
taking our love to him with them. Life changed the day he died and I don't think our lives will ever be the same again...............
Our eldest hasn't slept properly since he passed away.... and he got held back from a couple of his classes as they've noticed he's been upset (he last cried about 3 years ago) he doesn't upset easily.
I think i'm doing ok til they get sad then my emotions go to pot...
We talk about BIL everyday sometimes it's hard and other times the memories keep it good...
I think with my grandparents the expectation as sad as it is is that they'll go at some point and you come to expect that call..
We were totally blindsided and nievley thought after he'd had surgery last year that it would all be ok....
Our eldest has recorded a song off the tv on the SKY + box sang by some fool called Chipmunk
but the song goes 'I didn't know how much i'd miss you until you were gone' I know he feels that way - we all do.....
Whata cruel world we live in
