Sally Simpson

Very, very sorry to read your post Jen.
Thinking of you all.
Hugsx

JenJen

Unfortunately we were lead to believe by Mr JenJen's parents that we would be ok to take the kids to visit today or tomorrow, a friend of Mr JenJen's text at 9am this morning to pas on his condolences, we'd sent the kids to school by then...
We got a call at nearly half 9 from his parents to say Mr JenJens brother had passed away at 5:30 this morning, we have lovely memories of time spent with him last Friday but my kids are distraught they never got to say goodbye as are we all especially Mr JenJen.
Mr JenJens parents aren't very popular at the moment as they have only seemed concerned with the time they had with him, they got to spend the afternoon with him yesterday and were supposed to tell us if we needed to rush a visit, in the end it wasn't even family who'd told us he'd passed, we have been the last to know which hurts a great deal.

At least now he is at peace - I hope he knows how much we loved him x

Sally Simpson

Jen I am so sorry for your loss.
Please try to have some understanding of how truly devstated your inlaws must be to have lost a child, I am very certain that they were not thinking straight & it would be very sad if you compound their grief with guilt.
Thinking of you at this very sad & emotional time. xx

moneypenny20

So sorry Jen. Of course he knew how much he was loved by all of you. I can't imagine the grief your inlaws must have felt so please don't think too badly of them. Grief makes rational people behave differently, I think it's probably better in the long term that your children get to remember him without the hospital bed, it just seems hard now.

Stay strong and remember the good times.

JenJen

I don't dismiss that losing a son is devastating for them, nor the loss of a husband or a father is devasting for sister in law and our nephew.
However I don't say it lightly when I mean that my husband and our kids have been completely dismissed of they're grief of losing a brother and uncle.
My older 2 had spent a great deal of time with him, he adored them and vice versa

If Mr JenJen's parents can tell family 12000 miles away and the friends of Mr JenJen's brother hours before Mr JenJen was told when we'd said ring us day or night I do feel harshly towards them, wouldn't you if you were waiting to say goodbyes to your brother and not only were you not given the chance but also you were literally the last person to know he's passed away.
They told my husband in a very brief 5 minute conversation, other family and friends have been asked over - we have been left to grieve amongst ourselves which I think is incredibly harsh of them.
There was only a year between Mr JenJen and his brother so they grew up very close and despite fall outs etc over the years they loved each other greatly.

Mr JenJen had things he wanted to say to his brother before he passed and that opportunity has been taken away.

I will not pretend I get on with Mr JenJen's parents they have for a long time been very selfish in getting they're own way and as long as they get what they want they don't care who gets hurt.
They promised Mr JenJen they would look after me on return from Australia, we saw them 5 times in 2 weeks after I returned with the 3 boys (Mr Jenjen had to stay for work in Oz) I had little to no furniture, I was ill and up the hospital every 2 weeks and pregnant with our daughter but after i'd been back 2 weeks they stopped helping and left me to get on with it.
After the birth of Mr JenJen's nephew they've shown little to no interest in our kids who they used to dote on, and want to see weekly....
They still even now expect us to drop everything when THEY need something, we have 4 kids have sold the house, have other things going on from my side of the family and are in the process of moving...... we had to go sign some paperwork a couple of weeks back and they demanded we go over and see them on a certain day at a certain time so had to cancel our appointement
My older two were 10 and 8 when they stopped showing interest in them, and they were left wondering what they'd done wrong...
There are many other stories I could tell too but whats the point I thin you'd have to know them to understand how cruel and selfish they can be
Mr JenJen's brother always showed interest in them even after having his own little boy...

If you think i'm being harsh thats up to you but after everything if they feel guilty I just don't care anymore.

Just wondering if family will tell us when the funeral will be arranged for or if we'll hear that from a total stranger...

The kids memories of him since Feb are of him in a hospital bed, he was in a special care place when we took them to see him in Feb, the last 2 months he's been at home in a hospital bed, he had two brain tumors so it was evident he was ill as his head had distorted and it affected his personality.....
He wanted to see the kids as much as possible as was his last request when we left him alst Friday - Mr JenJen's parents were present when he asked us to take them to see him as much as we could this week !!!

Sally Simpson

I understand that you are very hurt & upset right now Jen but no-one on here knows the ins & outs of anyone else's situation & therefore we make posts accordingly!
Try to focus on the fact that you had a lovely day with him last week & not on the negative crap over which you have no control.
Many of us lose people without having the opportunity to say the things we should, could or would have said. You have to learn to live with that & it will take time. I am sure that your bil knew that he was loved by you all & that is what matters most.
Very best wishes.

TiddlyPom

Oh Jen. Big huge hugs girly.

I know you wanted your kids to see him, but honestly, seeing someone at the last few hours of their life is a sobering and hugely upsetting experience... I remember as a child visiting my grandfather in hospital. It was devastating and the sight of him dying will never leave my memory. It was shocking. Regardless of how I choose to remember him, his height, his vibrancy, his gentle humour and patience, all of that... I can still see him in that hospital bed.
I sometimes think that it's better for kids to not go to that place of near death when they're so young and just remember the wonderful people they knew when they were alive. There is plenty of time for death when we get older ... we get to that certain age and we lose people whom we've loved. Nothing prepares you for it. It's devastating.

I could not imagine losing a child. i do not know how I'd behave if I did. I imagine it could be the most devastating thing to ever happen to a person.

It sounds like you all have a bit of family history going on with the inlaws. Sounds like they struggle with themselves and they must be struggling even more now and for that, you're going to have to put on your pity head and just feel very sorry for them. Not everyone is as lovely and compassionate as you are. Many people are just plain terrified.

Mr JenJen can say things to his brother any time. Doesn't matter that he's not physically here now. Mr JenJen can go sit down in the funeral place with his brother if he so desire and spend as much time as he needs to. He just needs to ring. It's his right to do that. Doesn't matter who's running the show.

Saying things to a sick person with two brain tumours, where it's affecting his personality may not have been such a grand idea in my very humble opinion. It's a horrible thing when any sort of cancer moves to the brain and sometimes people say things not for the sick person's benefit, but for their own... we all have stuff we want to say to people. Unfairness, justice and all of that matters to us humans. Telling people we love them is more important to us than the dying person. They just know they're loved. They feel it.

The delay in telling you all may have just been not wanting to disturb your night, or not wanting to bring grief to your door. Parents try to shield their kids. I don't know. I'm just guessing. I imagine breaking the news to Mr JJ that his brother has died would have been particularly awful.

PEople don't always act and feel how we wish they would. We think grief will make them into wonderful caring folks who care more than they did before, but honestly, they're just the same folks as they were who are now grieving the loss of their son and you're going to have to just cope with that.

Everyone has lost when someone dies like this. Try not to make it harder for them or yourself. There are no winners.

I've made myself cry thinking about my grand dad now. If I was there, I would give you such a massive hug. It will be ok.

JenJen

Maybe your right that they shouldn't have seen him, but we had got into the habit with him of saying see you soon, and not saying goodbye, my poor big man as Mr JenJens brother used to call him (my eldest son) was sobbing in his sleep last night, crying that he didn't get to say goodbye.
He was quite peaceful and just slept lots the last few days stirring in and out of consciousness apparently to speak to family and friends and then drift off again, in that respect I don't think it would have been too painful for the kids, if he was in much pain or obviously suffering we wouldn't have taken them.

I couldn't imagine losing any of my children either, it's always a worry in the back of your head what would you do if something happened, they've grieved since he was diagnosed with his tumors and we've been there for them, I wouldn't go out of my way to make life difficult for them but we both feel we can't be there for them, Mr JenJen doesn't want to speak to them. They're always rude to me on the phone so unless I have to I won't speak tothem either. Unfortunately sometimes when your behavious has been very bad it only takes one thing to break that straw over the camels back, and I think for Mr JenJen this is that final straw. I bought cards and he wrote in one for them which i've posted as he said it's the right thing to do but he wrote no words of comfort inside.

I don't think they struggle when it comes to us, they knew when we first moved to Oz that they may never have seen us again it made no difference to them and we saw little of them before we left, we live quite close to other relatives of Mr JenJen yet even when invited rarely visit, Mr JenJens brother was very obviously favorite of the two - I don't know how that works as I don't have a favorite amongst my kids, it's not really bothered my husband too much until we went to emigrate (before all the illness etc), they have travelled abroad before but had refused to visit us over there insisting if we wanted to see them we make the trip with our then 3 children and would now be 4 children. It's a shame how things have gone, I've always wanted my kids and Mr JenJen to be close to them even if i'm not but it's not worked out that way.

I would agree that maybe they were so consumed with they're own grief but they rang both the aunties first, one who lives over the other side of the world, they rang friends to tell them, some of who have young families etc too, so why was Mr JenJen the last to know? It's done now and can't be taken back but Mr JenJens a laid back guy and it's crushed him, i've never seen him so upset to lose his brother and then to be told by someone who didn't know his brother very well

Your right there are no winners here, but the feeling of being pushed out and kept at a distance has taken it's toll in this house and the hurt of that on top of the loss will take a long time to heal.

I wake up this morning feeling I've woken up somewhere else - in another time and place and know life will never behe same for anyone, I know worse for Mr JenJen, his wife etc than me. I was very proudly his confident who he'd tell things to that he could tell to no one else, and I hope I helped.

Cause I believe i've booked with my usual lady to have a reading - hopefully i'll get to speak to him, I hope he's with his nanny and watching over his wife and little boy, he loved them so much.

We'll take him with us when we emigrate x

TiddlyPom

Perhaps saying 'see you soon' is nicer than 'goodbye'. We can't always say 'goodbye' face to face. Sometimes it is better not to. Your son is naturally grieving the loss of his uncle. Saying goodbye isn't really the issue... he just thinks it is and that's what he's latching on to. It's just how he's expressing his grief. I'm sorry for you all. It's so hard losing someone.

Don't take it to heart, Jen. I know that's easy for me to say in this respect, but truly, take your own memories, and don't let yourself be hurt by their actions. It's just not worth it. But Sally's right too... try to focus on the good things, not the negative. It's not what he would have wanted.

Perhaps Mr JJ should try to think about why he was spared the bad news instead of why he wasn't thought about. You can't ever really know the heart of anyone else. Perhaps they thought they were doing the right thing. Try not to take offence where none was meant or even just don't take offence. You can't be sure. I know how hard that is though. When people treat you badly, you always think the worst but best not to for your sake.

You're all feeling raw right now. Just take some time to be kind to yourselves and just think about the good stuff. It's better your kids see you do that... it's how they learn about death and find their way through the process too.
Hugs.
x

moneypenny20

Couldn't agree more. I personally never say goodbye to anyone. Wasn't a conscious decision, just what I've realised over the years. I always say see you later whether to someone I won't see for years or someone I'll see a few hours later. Must be a self preservation thing but it works for me.

Don't waste your emotions on stuff you can't control Jen. Save the energy for you and yours and dealing with the grief.

Jaycee1

Just wanted to say how sorry i was to read what has happened.
Thinking of you and your family at this very sad time
J x

JenJen

Thank you all

Yesterday was an awful day.... not helped by not having anything constructively helpful to do, dwelling on what had happened as with nothing to help with and little to do in the house, not wanting to go out and face the world our emotions took over.
Today has been better, don't get me wrong our life feels completely different now he's gone , upside down and inside out but instead of dwelling and sitting around crying we went out to North Norfolk where my husband spent time wth his brother as a little boy. Had a nice day just the two of us, Mr JenJen asked me what I thought had happened to Jamie after he passed.
I said I thought his soul/ spirit had gone to meet Marts nany which is what his brother wanted and that they'd be sitting watching over us all - especially his little boy and his wife and would be sending the sun to them to warm us all like a big hug.

Had a message from MIL - she sounded quite chipper actually in the message.
Then when Mr JenJen called her back the howling was constant, poor Mr JenJen

Whats done is done it just would have been nice to see him one last time for Mr JenJen and the kids sake.
Keep thinking what a shame death isn't up to date with technology it's something that has changed very little through the years isn't it, I miss his texts which I used to get several times a week, shame he couldn't take his phone with him
We've not always seen eye to eye and he could be a stubborn bugger but I loved him like a brother.... prob more than my own brother.

Have spoken to his wife, she is doping as well as can be expected, hope to see her at the weekend and they're little boy.

One thing is for sure his daddy will be one of the brightest stars shining in the sky

TiddlyPom

A friend of mine died suddenly and I heard a few days later. It was pretty traumatic finding out like that. Anyway, I sent him an email ... sounds daft... but worked just fine. Sort of liked the thought of the words floating off into cyberspace like that...

Glad you are feeling more chipper... but it's such an up and down process as you've seen with your MIL. But it will get better. Keep talking about the good times.

Hugs.
x

RenShen

Hi Jen Jen, so very sorry for your family's loss.

Reading through your posts I can almost feel the hurt and upset that you are going through. It sounds as though your little family is a strong enough force to withstand anything other family members may throw at you. It is a cliche but you really cannot change other people's actions, only your own.

I don't come from the stance that family means everything as I have experienced particularly vicious and evil behavior from members of my own family over the years. This is a time to concentrate on your hubby and your lovely kids, and not let the bile of others affect your grieving process or harm the lovely memories that you have.

I suppose what I am trying to say is f*** em! Rise above it and be positive and enjoy your happy memories.

Ren xx

JenJen

Thank you all.....

It's been a long week or so since he's been gone.

Only mum and some friends of ours have been particularly supportive, some thought to send flowers which was really lovely.

However the lack of thought by husbands family just seems to rumble on....
We got told by my daughters childminder last night that the obituary was in the paper Saturday just gone !!!!
STRICTLY NO black !!!! AND NO flowers !!
An you'd think someone out of the family would have thought to tell us that??? Silly us for giving them that much credit.

Mr JenJen last rang and spoke to his parents Friday, he tried the other day and over the weekend but no one was home.
No one has rung to see how he is or the kids are since last Wednesday...
Being kept in the dark by his family is just addding to the grief and upset he already feels......

We will take our older two to the funeral but Mr JenJen doesn't want to go to the wake so we will come back home and maybe set off some balloons - let the kids write they're messages to him rather than go the wake where it doesn't feel like we're wanted.

All very sad.......