northernbird

Which is worse. Would you rather have a punch in the face or is the verbal bullying and humiliation worse. How much would you take before walking away, if indeed you would walk away.

Only sensible answers please.

squeezzii

stand up to 'em every time- let them know you wont take any of thier crap until you stand up to them thier pathetic behaviour will continue
who-so-ever 'they' may be

northernbird

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts.

Cheetah7

Verbal bullying/humiliation in my opinion can be worse than a punch in the face.

In my last job in London which on the whole I enjoyed, I (and a few others) ware bullied by this bitch in our office.

It took the form of delegation of the worst jobs - 'Oh get Sam/Jane to do it, they are doing nothing important'.

The whispering/gossiping, the stopping talking when any of us went by, the sniggering/tutting, rolling of the eyes whenever we asked/suggested stuff.

This coming from a 50 year old woman who had taken to re-enacting schoolgirl behaviour made it even worse.

I snapped one day and yelled at her asking her if she could piss off and take her mental health issues to a clinic or at least get some help. She sat there with her mouth wide open, looking mortified that I had argued back -you wouldn't believe how many women she had picked on in her time.

I used to dread going in some days and this was only mild really compared to what others go through.

I find that anyone who manages their daily life by humiliating/abusing/bullying other people has issues severe enough that say more about themselves than anyone else.

It chips away at your self confidence and belief, it makes you dread going into work/school, it eats up your personal life when you spend all your home time thinking about what you should have said, what you will say and how you will deal with it. Or you check out the jobs vacant advert dreaming of escape because in your eyes, the more distance you put between you and the person concerned the better.

Except it doesn't solve anything, leaving/running away from someone like that doesnt solve anything.

Managers that shout/swear/belittle their staff are crap managers - if anyone does this to their staff - well they are crap.

People that adopt that behaviour need help, you can bet your life they probably did it at school and have their very own 'reasons' for doing it - a psychologist would have a great time unravelling their brains no doubt.

Don't run away, don't leave - draw your line and do not let them cross it. I have become far more blunt since I have emigrated and take no shit from anyone. 'Oh but you used to have a sense of humour' Old 'mates' have whinged at me when I have told them that I no longer find their humour funny.

Stand up for yourself every time, do not back down and do not let someone who rules their live being being a bitch to others, make your own life a misery.

They do not have that right - noone does, whoever they are.

Damson

I agree with PP. If you don't address issues, they end up eating away at you, and one way of restoring the self-esteem that has been chipped away at is to "stand up for yourself". Easy to say, I know. In my experience it is also people who were bullied that turn into bulliers themselves - how twisted is that! I used to work in an office with just me a a load of hairy policemen and it was the best job ever. No political correctness and loads of brash comments, which suited me just fine. However, they shipped in just 2 more women and the office just went completely out of kilter. They sucked the atmosphere out of the room every time they walked in and in the end I just left. I was a bit younger and not as bolshy as I am now, and I would soon tell them to P off now. Wierd thing is, I met one of the women recently who has since left the job and she is actually really nice. She was astonished and mortified at how she'd made the rest of us feel and actually had no idea. I would definately say to stand up to bullies for your own peace of mind.

Hutch

Lamp 'em.

coolerkingcooler

Mental violence is always terrible. Used to make people feel small and worthless. To counter it, others have posted about giving it back, that usually works. However, it can depend if it's at work and the person is of a higher authority then it does not always work.

I walk away from most situations and avoid them whenever possible. However, that is not always possible. One approach is to have stock phrases and actions to use so that it's possible to feel that you're doing something.

Cheers,
Cooler
or do as Hutch says

northernbird

Thanks for the sensible answers. FWIW it isn't a BE thing, it is something in my real world. The advice has been helpful. Thanks.

Jane and Mark 6

Hi,
I would just like to say I've had something simular, but more intimidation,nasty comments and not just to me but my daughter, but it has affected the whole family. I tried to ignore it, you know be the bigger person, but it is hard when your instinct tells you to go kick 10 bails of s**t out of them.
Anyway I've had some good friends who have helped me cope, and we are going to be stronger as a family because of it.
These people who do this kind of thing must be either just plain nasty and vindictive, or they feel they have to do this sort of thing to make themselves feel good.
My actual advice would be to go face them and sort it out, i wish i had, then maybe it wouldn't have got as far as it has. I'm hoping it goes away now.
Also I want to point out that, in my case alot of the intimidation and comments have been through the cyber world. Which is a cowards way, they don't even have the guts to say it to our faces!
Anyway I wish you luck with what ever you decide and I hope it gets better.


Jane

DadAgain

I have a little experience in this regard.

As a young lad (about 13) I used to carry a violin to school regularly, I wasnt an althletic specimen by any means and my school bus trip (25 minutes each way) was often miserable. I was taunted, thumped and generaly abused to a lesser or greater extend depending on the whims of some of the larger neaderthal types who shared my bus. I was miserable and hated the journey, but since I was able to avoid the perpetraters easily for the rest of the day I manged OK.

At one stage things changed, one of the larger kids had a young brother, 2 years younger than me who started catching the same bus. Egg'd on by his older brother and group of unruly mates the younger brother joined in the taunting and took part in the regular "smash him over the head when the bus goes through the tunnel" game. - I had had enough, this was more than I was prepared to take.

I prepared myself one day by having a good firm grip on a sturdy 30cm acrylic ruler subtly by my side and when the the dreaded tunnel came up I spun around, smashed the young kid in the face with a satisfying 'crack' and watched the horror on all faces as blood poured freely from his nose.

From that day forward they ALL left me alone.
=================================

A few years ago I found myself in anoter bullying situation. In a small firm of 20 IT consultants our boss left for maternity leave and handed over the reigns to a charisma-voided fool who gradualy set about destroying the company. I had already known that he was responsible for the merciless picking on others in the company and had a direct hand in at least 3 resignations - so new I had a fight on my hands when he started picking on me. He refused to allow me to sit at my desk and moved me into a cupboard 'so I didnt get distracted by others', he deliberately gave me very vague instructions so he could claim I'd failed to deliver properly and on a number of occassions called me into his office to yell abuse at me, sometimes he didnt even bother calling me into private and yelled abuse across the office floor. I couldnt sleep and suffered a number of stress-related ill-effects. It was awful.

The guy was a twat, his moods were influenced heavily by the fortunes of the Australian Rugby team, (which didnt help my cause AT ALL) and when I finally found another better job he even acused me of stealing company property and threatened to call the police when I emailed myself my personal contacts list from my work email account.

I couldnt bring myself to resign to this guy, it woudl give him too much satisfaction - so I arranged a meeting with the MD (a friend of mine) on maternity leave and had a long frank conversation with her whilst I resigned and discussed how he had destroyed the company morale with his bullying antics, didnt know what he was doing and had cost the jobs of a large number of senior staff. Within 2 weeks of my leaving the company there was a corporate restructure and he was moved into a position having no contact with people. The company has since dwindled in size further, withered and almost died since and I've moved on to much better things. As they say - the best revenge is living well!

He remains the person I hate most on the entire planet and I wouldnt piss on his kids if they were on fire. When I read of fires or floods in the area he lives in I secretly still hope that his house has been destroyed... nearly 6 years on - I still feel bitterness to this guy FAR stronger than that I do for the physical bullies of my youth.

Pomster

Interesting that there is so much bullying in the workplace.

I used to work with and American girl in UK who was bitch from hell if she decided to be. To those favoured by her, she was sweetness and light.

She and I were both offered temp roles out here. She then spent lots of time trying to undermine me and make my life hell, pulling apart all my work, looking through my work for errors (yet she was not my boss). Lots of other people thought she was great- until she turned (subtly ) on them. Luckily my boss realised how she was but sadly never confronted her about her behaviour.

Still I got the last laugh- we are now residents here and she had to go back to UK....and more wierdly she has a job as a diversity consultant. Just goes to show that HR is a waste of space!


Sorry- should have said this mental attack is like the dripping of a pipe- it erodes everything eventually so in my view is worse than a single physical attack, although the latter is far easier to quantify and prove.

Cheetah7

This story made me so sad.

It also made me really angry and I also pray that this bastard gets payback.

overthemoon

When i was a kid this girl would bully me every opportunity she got one day i had enough and challenged her to a fight she backed down & never bothered me again.

petensue

Verbal bullying if it goes on for a long time can really affect how you act for the rest of your life.I was bullied at school and it did not stop until I had enough and stood up for myself.My parents said ignore it they will get bored,well they did not.I do find it hard to talk to new people as it did affect my confidence but after having children it does bring you out of your shellSue.

LUNANBAY

you have got to confront them

as a kid i was bullied everyday (physically & mentally) in high school, cause I was a townie! after one blaack eye and kicking too many, my old man took me back into school to confront them! it was pinnacle!! never taken a backward step since.

missus is now getting it in her new job over here, it's the mental drain, the comments, the job allocation, the shite shifts(being put back on nights 7 days after the last set) sometimes never talked to at work, referred to as a pom! Go RBWH!!!!

if you let them get away with it they will have a field day with your emotions forever! they are just the same as you, confront them loudly, then watch em back down!

dont be afraid, go for it!
Rob