OzTennis

A tenuous link I know but this appeared in an Aussie paper so it qualifies - the letter from Groucho Marx to Jack Warner:

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/20...863231479.html

Some other 'pearlers' from Groucho to lighten up your day:

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come and work for her. How much does the lady of the house pay you? she asked. Oh, I don't get paid in dollars, Groucho replied, glancing up. The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

OzTennis

Hutch

Hehe - I particularly like 'I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. '

232Bar

Along the same lines there were some good Ricky Gervaise ones from the Office - not something I watched but the quotes often went around on emails. One of my favourites was "Eagles may soar - but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

Hutch

Hehe - some of my favourite Office quotes...

“What ones are your that I use?”
“Same shit, different day, that’s mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.”
“Wankyou very much.”
“Yeah, I invented that.”

“This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of ‘em. Especially that one, he’s mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn’t work.”

“There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”

“We go there every Wednesday night, and it’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he’s got knobrot of some tart.’”

“You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you’re dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is ‘Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?’ That’s where I come in. You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.’”

LauraJ

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

lol like that one