Hebe

I have offered to bring my 3 sisters over next February for the month but on the condition that two of them lose weight -they were 21 stone each.

Once here I usually pay for everything amd take them somewhere once they arrive , last year to Noosa. Both of them have been on a diet ever since I can remember and they have never been so big. Both suffer from diabetes and other health issues, nearly all of which is weight related. For 10/12 weeks now I have been calling them once a week to weigh in, sent them eating plans, advised what to and not to eat and even offered to pay for counseling and or surgery but with one of them to little effect.

This morning I did my usual call round and yet again one of them had put on weight. The call was short and tense. I said to her that she needed to take some responsibility for what she eats and that I couldn't do this anymore as she was obviously not on board with it. Said to her that it was a question of choice and I didn't want to be upsetting her every week. I left it that she should make a decision as to what she wants to do but without dropping some weight I wasn't going to risk her health with a long haul flight. We lost a sist last year to obesity.

Anyway after the call she was obviously upset and then her daughters and husband started to slate me on Facebook. calling me a snobby cow, a selfish bitch, a cold heartless bitch who couldn't love and never had children because I was too selfish to share my life (if only they knew of what I have been through regarding being childless).

Any way not sure why I am putting this on here but home alone and feeling very upset by what has occurred.

SillyOldBag

Sorry to read about the family upset, it's always very difficult and the advent of facebook into family disputes is poisonous. Too many people type first and think later and even if they regret what they did at some later stage, the damage is done.

I haven't really got any useful words to say, just remember that you were doing what you were doing from a good place in your heart. Try to rise above the facebook crap - really it will be down to your sister to put right the situation by telling her daughters the real full story. The bit about not having children was just plain nasty. I have long since felt that some people, family bonds or not are just not necessary in my life. If you can't do the right thing and be nice, then f*** off out my life. Harsh maybe but true. I'm not suggesting you have no further dealings with them obviously but the nieces are being unnecessarily vindictive - I can understand them being protective of their mum but even so.

Keep your chin up and I hope that everything calms down soon for you Also, try to stay out the facebook crap, or only post anything when you are calm and have thought about exactly what you want to say.

Hebe

Thank you for the kind words. I have deleted what was said. I am not one to wash my laundry in Public and rarely but on there anything too personal

macy

I suppose the reality is that they don't want to loose weight as much as you want them to, they obviously don't have the drive to do it at the moment and all the nagging in the world won't make them .

I think that you have to accept the fact that it isn't going to happen and move on with your life and try to stop worrying about them so much, they have to take responsibility for themselves as hard as that will be for you to accept, otherwise if you phone up nagging them all the time you will loose all contact with them eventually anyway.

Nobody likes being told what they should do, even with the best intentions.

Gems

Hebe,

Totally relate, Ive been here 5 years
However never had my parents to visit. Mainly due to their health issues caused by their terrible lifestyle/diet.
I know they would love to visit Australia.

Only just returned from a month in the UK.(Rain, Rain and more rain!)
Ive begged my family to change their lifestyle but after visiting and staying with them. I can now see its never going to happen.

Your sisters will only change if they want too. Nothing will get them to lose weight not even a fancy holiday.

Its hard to see family doing stupid things and blaming everything else for their health issues.

Your better off concentrating on your own happiness, and letting them know your their to support them when they are ready.

Gems

Dorothy

I agree Macy. As someone who was morbidly obese I know that no amount of nagging would have made me seriously lose weight. It would actually have had the opposite effect. It was only when I was emotionally ready to give up being overweight and unhealthy and stop hiding behind the fat that I could do something about it. Losing weight for me has been about more than just getting to a healthy point. It's been about facing the reasons I was so big in the first place and learning to get past them.

Hebe, like SOB said, you need to ignore the nastiness on FaceBook. I'm sure your sister is upset and your neice and brother in law are lashing out because of it. Deep down your sisters know you love them and only their best interests at heart. People say some really cruel things and I'm sorry they've hurt you.

Hebe

I agree that no amount of nagging will get a desired result and did try to refrain from doing that. I realise that the matter regarding the weight is bigger than I can deal with and that is why I offered to pay for counselling They have issues which stem from childhood and these have to be dealt with but at some point they have to take control. The things that happened to us all were not in our control and our childhood was taken from us by others but that doesn't mean that we have to live the rest of our lives as a victim.

Margaret3

at work we recently had a lecture from a surgeon about Bariatric surgery and it totally changed my way of thinking abour overweight people, perhaps (and i dont mean this in a BE snide way), you could educate yourself more about the problems and pschology of overweight people, its a very, very complicated issue. One of the things that amazed me during that lecture is that surgery has the highest success rate for weight loss! and keeping it off.

I have had a few run ins with family on facebook, its horrible (recently with my sil)

quoll

I agree, trying to help someone who is morbidly obese (yup, wearing that t shirt myself too) is a thankless task and I can see both sides of the argument here too. I hope they realize that you were doing it with the best of intentions although, maybe at this raw stage, they dont (had one of those arguments with my dad yesterday when I helped and he didnt want helping!!! - very uncomfortable indeed!).

They have to want to do it and if they want to do it then they will - they need a lightbulb moment to zap them into action and that may come ... or it may not. Recently I have managed to lose a lot of weight but that is all my own motivation and for my own benefit, nobody else's. It's been bloody hard work though and if I werent in the place I am now I daresay I wouldnt have had the energy to do it at all.

I wish your sisters well and hope that their lightbulb comes on for them at some stage and they see how different their lives can be. You may be right about counselling but they have to want that as well - no point going along to a counsellor if you arent prepared for the pain of opening up and participating.

Good on you for being a survivor yourself and for caring though

eddie007

As some one who was morbidly obese as the result of a brain tumour (prior to which I was veritably anorexic) I could have told you how much pain you would have caused your sisters by you launching a campaign for them to loose weight.....

Sending them eating plans?

Phoning them for a weekly weigh in?

Offering to pay for counselling? Or even surgery?

where the **** do you get off trying to control their lives like that? And by attaching such a price? Subtext being... If you really loved me and wanted to see me you would loose the weight that you have struggled with and yet have failed to manage to control ALL your life......

You would have added to MY pain and misery and self consciousness by doing that to me....


That would have been my fat person and defensive comment on your post.



However... My (recently gained 12kg due to side effects of medication) self applauds your attempts to show them how important this is...and how important they are to you... If some one had offered me bariatric surgery I would have jumped at the chance.... Offered counselling and all that... Wow..... And a holiday too?..... You are so very blessed to be (relatively) thin and financially viable enough to offer these things.....

And You were very brave to have mentioned the elephant in the room.... Well, the two elephants in the room.....

Dont know how you can mend this one.... Other than by apologising to them

Beaverstate

My ex wife and her twin sister have not spoken in 20 years. It was/is over something trivial. Let it go, they know the situation.

macy

I totally agree with you however until they are ready to do that then you are going to be bashing your head against a brick wall..... so to speak.

Your childhood problems are something that you are all still dealing with and people deal with things in their own time and in their own way, I would stop trying to fix them for a while and just step back, reading between the lines I can tell that you care for them deeply but you will only damage your relationship with them if you continue with your well meaning intentions.

They may never slim down, they may use the weight as some kind of protection against the world, unfortunately until they are ready to do something about it you can only wait and then when you are asked you can offer all the help in the world in the mean time just be a sister to them rather than the nagging parent.

Good luck, it's not worth losing your sisters over it.

Cheetah7

My young diabetic nephew who was in ITU a few years ago for not sticking to his diet or looking after himself, is still refusing to accept his diabetes despite being in his mid twenties.

I have learned that no amount of nagging will make him look after himself or eat properly or even bother to wake up to take his insulin. The thought of anything happening to him (and I am sure it is only a matter of time he can abuse his body and not take his condition seriously before something does happen), devastates me.

However, I have come to the point of realisation that it is his life and not mine and whilst his choices, actions and results will impact and upset me, there is nothing I can do because it is his life and his choice to live it the way in which he decides.

Sometimes no matter how hard it is, you have to step back and accept it, no matter how much it hurts because not only do they have to come to the point of realising that they need to help themselves but you also need to come to the point that you have to let them.

Once you do get to that point, it is quite liberating.

Hebe

There is nothing to apologise for. They want to come. They asked me to help them with an eating and exercise plan. They know I am a hard task master and disciplined. They have known me all my life. As to the fact that I am blessed with being slim is just BS. I watch what I eat. Generally I don't eat rubbish and make healthy choices and I train hard

Yes I am in a fortunate position to offer them support to get to a place were they may find some inner peace and why shouldnt I offer that if I can provide it.

We buried one sister last year who died of morbid obesity and sleep apnea. She was so heavy they had to bring her into the chapel on a trolley. Both of them said that they didn't want the same to happen to them but at 21 stone each that might be their reality.

One is doing well. She is focused and follows what I send. She actually likes it because she doesn't have to think about calories or what she can and can't eat. It is also opening her up to new foods. Nothing wrong with that and better than calorie counting where they still eat junk as they inc it in their points or calorie count. She is walking everyday and goes to the pool once a week to do a few laps.

eddie007

My sister is an alcoholic... I have no doubt her addiction will kill her sooner rather than later.... .. I had, over the years, done everything I could to help her... But ultimately she refused my, and anyone elses, help....

keep up the support you are giving the sister who wants your help....

Personally I wouldnt apologise either...

i made the decision NOT to apologise for my confronting her lifestyle, behaviours and addiction years ago and have lived with the consequences ever since... Its not the best place to be... But there are worse.