sasbear

Is there anyone out there who can offer advice?

My son (18) emigrated with us 17 months ago and has since returned to the UK as he thought the grass was greener. He arrived back in Oz last week after spending 4 months in the UK and is very down and depressed.

He wants to be here to finish his apprenticeship that he started here - and to set himself up for a future trade. Whereas (his words) 'there is nothing for me in the UK apart from my mates' 'no chance of an apprenticeship' 'waiting lists to get on one and then no gaurantee'. But he is also torn by leaving his mates and a girl he met quite recently (1st love). He also misses his dad but after talking to him, it is not his dad he misses the most.

He feels unsettled and lonely and I feel heartbroken to find that I have brought him half way round the world and now he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere!

I really think he should go out and meet people but that is easier said than done - the lads on his course are constantly 'taking the piss' over his UK accent and are always cracking jokes about pomms - unlike me, I deal with this by shrugging it off and getting on with things. He is taking it to heart and feels that the Australians he has met are unfriendly and give him the cold shoulder.

Please can anyone offer words of wisdom?

Sarah

cheri-pie

Hi Sarah

Its so sad to hear when people are lonely especially when it is one of your kids. My son, although a lot younger (not quite a teenager yet) is similar by taking things personally rather than just in a joke the way they are meant. Therefore this aspect worries me also.
Is there a gym or sport team he could join to make new friends nearby? Basically no matter how many opportunities there are to make new friends it will always be difficult when he is feeling down and lonely, its like a catch 22 - what you put in you get out. We are always telling our son that.

Maybe try doing some more things as a family may lift his spirits which in turn may make things seem less harsh in other areas. If he can find something to make him happy more people will see him as someone to have fun with and not someone to make fun of. I wish I could give everyone a solution to loneliness and lack of confidence - God knows I need it myself!

I really hope it all works out for you, Good luck
Cheri x

Juliecabs

Hi Sarah,
Teenagers eh Who's have 'em!
Seriously, I'm sorry to hear your son is having a tough time at the moment. I'm the mum to 3 teens and they are so excited about going to Oz but scared of losing contact with their mates too. My eldest daughter will also be leaving her first love.
I remind them of the time they all left primary school when loads of tears were shed as they were leaving close friends who weren't going to the same school as them. Now, a few years down the line, they don't see those "friends" any more - they have tons of new ones. And again, they will be leaving these "new" ones to make more in Oz.
If friendships are meant to be, they will last forever no matter the distance between them.
As your son's friends are adults now, is there any chance they can come and visit? I know it's expensive, but a lot of people of that age manage to come over temporarily and find summer jobs etc. That way your son can finish his apprenticeship and get the job he really wants but still spend some time with his friends.
As for the teasing with his accent, that will pass in time. As he's feeling so down at the moment he's probably taking it all to heart. When my cousins left Scotland many years ago to settle in Oz, they too were teased about their accents. They soon picked up the Aussie lingo though and now you can't tell they were Scots born.
Good Luck to you all. I hope things get better soon.
Julie. x

Centurion

Viewpoint and couple of words guy to guy :-

Have you seen the girls here mate I wonder why you would ever want to go back to the UK again LOL.

Seriously though - go out and meet people. Sign up for sports straight away. The local sports club will point you in the right direction and people always need players for various sports and frankly you dont have to be any cop at them. Its a great way to meet people. Sign up for martial arts, find the nearest surf club (and the babes), get out and meet people. Its not easy but it happens.

I cant think of anybody that I used to go to school with that I spoke to again past 18/19 anyway. Life moves on. Just so happens that your future is bright and in Australia!

Oh to be 18 again and just moved to Australia......sigh.....

thebears

Absolutely if only - with my knowledge now whoah I'd get arrested.

But back to reality getting into sports is a must! I cant remember having too much time to worry about such things as a sense of belonging - as the catch phrase goes 'home is where I hang my hat'

True mates will remain no matter where you are in the world. I have three close friends from school and we have always lived on different continents but remain close via email and when in town making an effort to catch up.

Look at it as a good test to see who your real friends are - some have already forgotten you - what does that tell you about the friendship?

What apprenticeship is your son doing? has your Son any other interests ie Fishing, Cars, 4x4, camping, Jet Skiing, Snow Skiing??? Perhaps talking with other local parents may assist - Most Aussie families will go out of their way to help.

There are also plenty of youth clubs like Rotaract which help provide a sense of community involvement while having youthful fun - now I could tell you a few stories involving eggs, goats, policecars, midnight car rallies.

Good luck dont look for the negative the postive is so much nicer and easier too find.

artep

Hi Sarah

I think TBH the mistake your lad made was to go back to the uk too soon. He didn't give himself chance to settle properly. He was away from the uk long enough for his old mates to move on....but not here long enough to really find any proper mates. So consequently now, like you say, he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere. Now he's back here in oz, all you can do is encourage him as much as you can to make new friends...join a club/gym or take up a new sport ...something like that. If he makes any noises towards returning to the uk again I'd discourage him as much as you can as moving again will do him no good at all.

My eldest son is almost 16, but is far older in maturity. He found it really hard when we first arrived to make friends...but now almost 12 months down the line he feels really settled and has made some really good mates. My lad plays drums and keyboard so has got himself in a band here....this has really helped him find some 'like minded' people.

I think the most important thing your lad needs to do is give it time....

Good luck!

sasbear

Thank you all so much for your kind advice - and yes I think he went back to the UK too quickly - he should have stayed for 2 years at least. His mates are planning on coming out later this year and he is keen to join a football team and the gym - so hopefully that will bring him out of himself - I just wish I could give him that bit of confidence it takes to really make a go of it.

My OH and step-daughter (almost 16) have made a pact to go out each Friday to the local trades club and play pool and have a few drinks - this is what he would do with his mates. As for the clubbing scene - hopefully he will meet people through sports clubs etc. He isn't into fishing although he did give it a go last year. It is like he is trying to cling on to everything that is English and rebuff anything that is Australian at the same time - almost trying to preserve his roots as if he thinks he has lost his Englishness.

Thank you all again - it helped to talk to someone other than OH - and after all today is another day and lets hope things get better
Sarah

artep

My younger son has been doing exactly the same, although not so much lately. He would rip the p*ss out of everything Australian...even taking off the accent, the lot But now he seems to be a lot better and rather than ripping the **** he's embracing things a little more.

sasbear

Hope my son changes shortly then - feel like I am the one holding everyone together and being positive at the moment - well for the last year actually ! I suppose things can only get better - i have just managed to push him into a football 15-20 year group out here - the first training session is tomorrow - fingers crossed
Sarah

NickyP

We have similar problems with my 16 year old (soon to be 17). We moved here in September from Belgium where he had made some excellent mates and has left his girlfriend. To be honest personality wise he would never have chosen to emigrate and had his father agreed to have him in the UK I would have happily allowed him to stay but the option just wasn't there. Emigrating doesn't suit everyone and I am more than ready to accept that as soon as he feels able to Sam will probably leave here and try to make a life for himself in the UK (his language skills aren't good enough for Belgium). Sometimes when it is your dream to be here it is hard to understand that it doesn't suit everyone.
As it is he will stay here to finish his schooling and then decide where to go to Uni (probably here due to cost) before making any life changing decisions. Sam is going back to Belgium in a week or so for a holiday and will no doubt be horrible when he gets back as he will miss everything even more until he gets back into the swing of things. It is easier in a lot of ways for Sam as he is still at school so has that routine to hold onto and it has helped him to make friends.
What we have been able to give to Sam is the choice so that as long as he stays long enough to get his citizenship the choice will be his where he lives at any point in the future and he is aware of what an advantage that will be. Men that I have spoken to seem to have found it more difficult to make mates here as the men can be far more closed to newcomers (beyond the casual greetings etc). If he perseveres he will make Aussie mates and then life will get easier even if he doesn't stay here long term.
Good luck it is never easy to see your kids unhappy but it should get easier.
Nicky

srd

HI Sarah

sorry to hear you are having such problems, but be positive because at least he has come back to Australia which is a good sign. It is really hard with teenagers as they seem to struggle anyway so dont take it all to heart too much. I have a 19 year old and 17 year old who are refusing to move back to Australia with us in July and feel devastated that we are going to be parted, so I feel that you have a slight advantage over me and kind of wish i was in your shoes. would his 'first love' come over for a visit, would that help. Do wish you well.

Buttockup

Three words of wisdom from me....

Two weeks. Thailand.