Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I don't know what this post is supposed to be. Just getting things off my chest? Hoping for (undeserved) sympathy? Requests for practical advice. Dunno. All. None. Shared experiences? I need to write it though... I know it is going to sound pathetic to say "I have no friends" but I basically don't. Never made the effort. Just content to be a family man. I do 'know' people, of course, nice people, but someone I know well enough to feel comfortable offloading to? Not really. So what else does one do, but turn to a forum of hundreds of strangers!!

Situation: I'm a 47yo permanent resident, Aussie wife, two kids (7 & 3). The wife wants to separate :(

It's really my own fault. I've been suffering from depression for a long time. But, instead of seeking help, I drank, on and off. There was an incident last year - I drank a bottle of whiskey over night, then fell and smashed my head through a wall. Wife wanted me out - she thought I'd smashed the wall on purpose in some drunken rage. She even called the police just in case. I had absolutely NO memory of falling. The first I knew was two paramedics saying I was bleeding a lot form my head and I really needed to go with them. I initially refused - I had no clue what I'd done, felt no pain, nothing. The police said "we suggest you walk, or we'll carry you". I chose to walk to the ambulance, then saw myself in the mirror... not pretty. I'm extremely non-violent, an excellent dad, no risk to my kids. Short story shorter, we got couples counselling, worked things through. I stayed. I stopped abusing myself. We were fine. That was that.

Last week or two, feeling low, I did more stupid things. I'd have a glass of wine before the school run to make me feel that bit happier. I'm confident I was never over the limit. Police and RBTs here are hot. I'm dumb, but not stupid. But still, it apparently got noticed by people (a non-drinker nose can smell even just one glass on someone's breath). After getting home I'd maybe drink some more, knowing I'd no need to drive again. As my wife told me Thursday, if that was just it, we may have had a way out .. but I was hiding the bottles, getting them out into the recycling just before the garbage trucks arrived.

Wife - not happy to say the least... and she wants we no more.

Can we blame her? Not really. I understand her position completely. My kids were never at risk in the car - I'M SURE OF THAT - but should I have been drinking while looking after two active boys before she got home ... no. I shouldn't. I know that. Last weekend I told myself "this is stupid, you HAVE to stop". For two days I did. Of course, mid week I hit BWS for "just one more bottle". That was my undoing. And I got caught being sneeky.

What. A. ******g. Idiot.

I saw a counsellor on Friday. Felt good to get things off my chest. Is there a way back with my wife? I think maybe, in time. Counsellor says maybe, in time. Wife right now says you gotta be kidding! We've been married 10 years. I know her inside out. I know she's mad. I know she's serious about wanting me out, so I know that if there EVER is going to be a way back in, I have to leave first. She says I can see the boys, no problem. But not having them 7am-8pm every day ... the kid groups, swims, music groups, etc... I am (I was) a full time dad ... this is killing me. Absolutely killing me.

So, being a full time dad, here's the major practical problem. I have no money. I have no job. I own half this house, and wife says she'll give me my half, but I can't and won't burden her financially like that. My family is 10,000 miles away. I have nowhere to go. "Get a job" said the wife. "She's right!" said the counsellor. "It'll do you good. Full time dad-hood had run its course, to be honest".

But, no money+no job = nobody will let me rent. Full time dad for 7 years - previously I was in IT - IT qualifications (MCSE from 2000) are worthless. What AM I going to do?

Dear reader, if you have got this far thank you ... I don't know what I'm expecting from you good people. Free money and a place to live close to my boys would be a good start (with fast internet, of course). But I'm only a permanent resident, not a citizen. I'm entitled to nothing from the government. I think my wife understands this, which is why she hasn't literally kicked me out (bed=the sofa now). Practical advice would certainly be welcome. I'm too messed up right now to look at options objectively, but I know I need them.

I'm so pi55ed off, angry with myself. All those times my wife asked "are you ok" and I said "fine". She meant "are you REALLY ok". If only I'd talked. Even with all the stigma being lifted around mental health in recent years, I'm that generation where it is still a difficult thing to deal with. I didn't want to burden my wife's busy life with my depression (school music teacher - lots of after-school activities, lots of evenings out, etc = lots of opportunity for me to drown my self-pity. No, it's not really self pity, I have identifiable issues, but what I should have done was seek help, not drink). I should have talked to her. She told me to. On a scale of 1-10, how much of an idiot am I. 1000, that's what.

At least there is one plus side for her. That awful coffee table I brought from England that she absolutely HATES will be out of her sight... I just hope she learns to not absolutely hate me ....

Bye for now. I'm off for a drink ... but TEA this time.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I think it's safe to say that you're not having the best day you've ever had. Really sorry to hear about your troubles. The first thing I want to say is please try to stop beating yourself up, you obviously have a very good awareness of where things have gone wrong, you've faced up to that and what's done is done.

Income support - I think you've been a permanent resident for more than 4 years now? If so you most certainly can access all income support payments and other assistance, the only exceptions being the Age Pension and the Disability Support Pension, both of which have a 10 year wait period.

There is Newstart Allowance which you could receive while looking for work. It's not a lot, around $555 per fortnight, but it's something. There are also various training and 'work ready' programs available to people receiving Newstart https://www.humanservices.gov.au/ind...tart-allowance

Rental assistance - you would likely also be eligible for this payment, how much you get depends on how much rent you pay. You're right when you say it will be difficult for you to rent until you find employment, but keep your eye out for accommodation designed for one occupant, such as studio flats - not everyone who rents has a job. A 'room for rent' would probably be an easier initial option for you - rent assistance is also paid for people who are lodgers. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/ind...-payment-rates

Low income health care card - for bulk billed GP appointments (if available at your GP), and much cheaper prescriptions. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/ind...alth-care-card

Looking after yourself - you seem to have this sorted and it's great that you're getting some counselling. Just a few thoughts. If you haven't done so already, see your GP to get some treatment for your depression. Depression is a horrible condition that is the absolute enemy of motivation, energy and reason, as well as happiness! Your GP will also be able to offer some resources to help with the alcohol thing. You don't have to be drinking every day or even once a month to have a problem with alcohol, it's such a tempting crutch when you're feeling shithouse. Trouble is, like most crutches, when it's taken away you fall over and end up in a worse place than before.

It's great that you at least can stay in the house until you find somewhere to live. Your kids will be fine as long as you and your wife keep what you tell them consistent and make sure the kids know it's not about them (ie not their fault). Steer a slow and steady course, you don't need to (and can't) resolve everything at once.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Thank you spouse of scouse. :goodpost:

I really appreciate the pat on the back, but more so the good advice. I had no idea I was entitled to anything.

I've been here since September 2012, was granted permanent residency November 2012, so yes been here well over four years and I'm encouraged that there may be help available for me. I just remembered when I was granted my visa being told I either had to be (a) fully supported by family, not a burden on the state in any way, or (b) need a job. Plan A was actually (b) when we first got here, but I had trouble finding work (we lived in Orange NSW at the time), so we decided to make me daddy daycare, and so we went to Plan B which was (a). Makes sense, right ...? :blink:

Actually had a surprising brief chat with the wife this morning. I expected her to either call her mum down from Griffith to take over from me, or put master 3yo into daycare while master 7yo was in school. The good news, whilst two days ago there was no trust whatsoever, she does trust me to carry on caring for them. That is such a relief. I know it is not going to be permanent or long term, but at least I have a little time on my side now.

BIG thank you for taking the time to read & help.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Posting on here is a very good start on your road to recovery. You have to talk to someone and ask for help.

Go to centrelink, tell them exactly what you told us and ask what support might be available should you need it. I recently did a Traffic controller course which I paid for. There were a couple of chaps (I was about to say older chaps but they were younger than me!) who had been sent on the course by centrelink for free. All the protective clothing was paid for, the lot. They walked into a job for free. All sorts of help will be offered to someone who asks for it.

Go to see your GP. Tell her/him exactly what you told us and ask what support might be available should you need it.

Find your local AA group - tell them exactly what you told us... etc.

Going in the the attitude that you have shown us in your post and all sorts of opportunities will open up for you. People will love to help you and will welcome you with open arms.

Your biggest problems were when you were relying on 'you' to give yourself advice - you need to rely on professionals now who, if you follow their advice, will set you on the road to recovery.

Tell your wife what you're doing. When she sees you doing the right thing then your relationship has a very good chance of survival.

Keep asking for help. Stop relying on yourself for advice until you're over this. Stay strong!

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Thank you quoll and SoCalDon.

AA is not a bad suggestion at all. I have considered it. I just have reservations about that group - I've read things, seen snips on documentaries, that they tend to get a bit too forceful with the God stuff. No offence to any of the faithful out there, but that's not for. As an atheist, I'd get to the step and probably get discouraged, tell them "are you having a laugh", and ditch it. That said, I know there are alternatives out there. I plan on chatting this over with my counsellor on Friday.

All, again, much appreciated :beer: (going for an ironic emoji joke there...)

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Recovering from your situation is not going to be easy but you need to be strong enough to overcome preconceived ideas. I guarantee that AA groups are NOT full of god botherers and, the best way is to swallow your pride and go along anyway. They might be just the thing that you need at this time. You may well find the friends that are missing from your life. If you're serious about getting your life back on track you're going to have to make some changes.

If I went along and they said a little prayer for me then yes, I would not go back as I'm an atheist too. However, I would never consider not going to seek help just in case. Turning away support because you don't fancy it is not going to help your recovery.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh - it comes from the heart though.

Stay strong and you will get through this.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I'm not going to be much help on the practical side (except to say that many gps will take depression seriously and will put you on a care plan, so you're bulk billed etc... please do go and see one) but just talking about this all is the first step on a long road.

I hope you get the help you need, and, even if a way back isn't possible with your wife, that you manage to come to some kind of beneficial compromise.

Good luck with it all - and well done on crying out for help, no matter what lead to it - that can be the most difficult part.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I'm really glad you reached out. Even though we may not "know" you (as in-person know), this forum is a great place for support and we're here to listen (read) any time you feel the need to vent.

You've been given some wonderful advice re AA. I know the religious aspect may not be your thing, but if you can look past that bit I really think it may help. When my son died I found a suicide grief group through The Samaritans. Even though there was a prayer at the beginning of the weekly group I just chose not to participate in that bit. And when they said a prayer for me and my son I chose instead of dismissing it to being thankful that others who know my pain and distress were caring enough to share their faith. Prayer may not be my thing, but to me it was a show of compassion and caring. And it only took 1 minute out of the 2 hour meetings, so not that onerous really. Faith doesn't always have to mean religion - it could be simply learning to have faith in yourself.

On a practical note, as a PR you are entitled to pretty much all the same programs as a citizen. You can get Centrelink and New Start, etc. To get yourself sorted in a practical way I would suggest you pop into your local Centrelink office and speak to them. I'm sorry about your marriage and your struggle with alcohol. No matter what happens you can be proud that you're committed to making the changes necessary to be a healthier, happier person for your kids and yourself.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Thank you Dreamy and Dorothy. Counsellor basically said he's dealt with loads of this. Unfortunately he said women's situations are always easier to deal with than men's ... great!! ... but :fingerscrossed: no reason to think there isn't light at the end of the tunnel.

The odd thing with the alcohol is it hasn't felt like a struggle. As I sit here right now enjoying my millionth cup of Extra Strong PG Tips I don't miss it one bit. I have other periods of not drinking quite happily. Happily had periods of just one beer each on Fri, Sat, Sun evenings, just enjoyed it. But when I look back at the times I've used it to 'medicate' rather than something to enjoy ... yeah, not so healthy after all perhaps...

Cheers. So many kind people on here. Really did expect a slap around the head or two. It would have been deserved! :banghead:

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Oh don't worry, there's bound to be the odd one or two or aren't adverse to giving you a slap :lol: I think you've given yourself enough slaps though, it's all about the future now. Your wife sounds lovely, she obviously knows you better than anyone and for her to trust you to not drink while looking after the kids is a very good sign for repairing your relationship at some point.

I'm really glad that all these lovely BE members have responded to you and been so helpful and understanding. We've probably all had dark times in our lives and giving a bit of support to others when they need it seems a natural thing to do.

We're all human, we all make mistakes and do things we regret later. You've already taken some big steps towards being the person that you don't feel needs a slap around the head :D As I said before, slow and steady, get support in the areas you need it, and you'll get yourself happy and enjoying life again. Cheers to your and your cuppa, from me and my coffee :)

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

HI Lucas_Dad, no slap from me either but a request to please go to an AA meeting. I once took (supported) a friend to one - I also had concerns about the "higher power" malarkey but was pleasantly surprised. I'm also an atheist. The "higher power" can be whatever you want it to be, but the support my friend received from a bunch of strangers was beautiful to see.

Just because you feel you don't need it right now, doesn't mean you don't.

I'd also suggest you get out there and meet people. Find a Men's Shed, get busy and creative. Do some voluntary work. Network - IME that's how you find jobs in Oz. And be more than "Lucas_Dad" and a house husband - get YOU back. Can you fix your relationship? I don't know, but firstly you need to fix you.

Love and strength from somebody who has also been a bored trailing spouse who needed to get her identity back. (And I'm about to become one again, ha!)

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

for starters there are councillors and councillors out there. Not always easy to find one that 'feel' comfortable with so like a doctor, move on to another if not feeling you are getting desired results. My partner is one and specialises in particular a area that is very intense as well as gives supervision. I meet many on a personal level and if you knew how many enter such areas in an attempt to sort out 'own issues' it could well be you feeling the need to offer the counselling.
I know some doctors don't appear to want to spend time on 'treating' depression symptoms. It is time consuming and perhaps feel 'losing' money. Obviously many will pass you a referral to see a psychologist, some who are trained in specific areas .may be of help and I believe free for a set number of sessions?
It is good you feel you can reach out to strangers on line in time of need . I doubt if I would be so inclined. But we do need people or at least a person that we can talk through 'difficult' times with. That is for certain. I'm afraid our modern times are not as really open to one on ones where especially a fellow can open up. Not sure if social media has been an improvement or a negative for such things. Then perhaps it was never much different even back in 'the day'. I know many men feel somewhat uncomfortable being placed in that position.
More the reason to seek out help. AA may or may not be of benefit. Of course it provides a listening ear. Its a start. Someone mentioned church as I recall, Again that could help. I've a 'friend' (don't see much) but he attends some sort of chapel and found connections in time of need through that.
Day at a time as they say. Firstly your economic situation requires certainty before anything else. What ever help Centre Link can provide would be obviously first port of call. If you need help with things like food or clothing there are places that should be able to help as well. I could tell you where to go if in WA, but I'm sure going on line will reveal what is available in your state. Check out your local library as well. Besides a warm place of respite, they often have courses within the building at a very cheap rate, if not free, on things like mindfulness or even just offering a space to perhaps connect.
I never under estimate how difficult these things that occur in our lives must be difficult to overcome. the main advise would be for whatever it is worth, is don't attempt it alone.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I've not completely discounted it. I just don't feel .. I dunno .. not that I don't need something like this, but I've got counselling and GP coming up - have booked a long appointment to discuss maybe starting medication and/or a referral to a clinical psychologist.

Wife has given blessing for me to use as much of our health plan as possible so that means getting a colonoscopy soon (not 'just because' - to check on ulcerative colitis, as I fear when I have to get my own policy there will be exclusion periods); got to go for an eye test on Friday (eyes have been feeling blurry for a while. Eye test yet another thing I've been putting off); dentist - last check up he said he thought I may need my wisdom teeth out; ... it just all feels like a lot to take on at once. So not a "no" to AA, just a "I think I can manage for now".

Good suggestions - already looked into (that makes me feel a little better that I must be thinking right somehow). I love working with wood and making things. I have made the boys' beds and bedside tables, big TV unit, big bookcase, all kinds. Not sure how I'll feel being the youngest in the group at 47 though!![/QUOTE]

Thank you Kooky. And I hope you manage to not lose your identity on your next round of trailing spouse!

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

> for starters there are councillors and councillors out there.

Indeed. When I first got counselling 15-odd years ago, I struck lucky. Lovely retired lady. It was like talking to a lovely nan who also know how to sort out your psychi. She was great. The counsellor I saw last year was a lovely chap, got on with him great. BUT, after my 5/6 sessions were up and we'd discussed some strategies he said "I don't think I need to see you any more, but contact me any time". My head only registered the first bit. I was NOT ready to finish with him, and did not contact him again, as I should have done.

> I believe free for a set number of sessions?

I'm kinda lucky in that respect. My wife works at a school that has an arrangement to provide counselling. Due to being family, that extends to me. I'm happier with the counsellor I'm seeing now. Kinda feels like he's saying the right things to me. I have 6 free sessions with him.

> Someone mentioned church as I recall, Again that could help.

Indeed it could help - if you were not atheist like me hehehe ;)

> Day at a time as they say. Firstly your economic situation requires certainty before anything else.

Indeed, and I think that after a couple of difficult chats my wife now understands that. It should be me moving out, but I've nowhere to go. Her parents have a second home 0.5km away from us. Not appropriate for me to move there, so she is going to go there with the boys. I think she can see I'm not just sitting on my hands taking no action, so she is going to let me stay here and continue to pay the mortgage (she'll not pay rent at her parents'), and bills. After all that has happened, how amazing is that.

> What ever help Centre Link can provide would be obviously first port of call.

I thought I'd be entitled to nothing. Apparently this is not true (as discovered at the start of this thread (thanks again spouse of scouse). How soon I get there is going to depend on how much my youngest goes into daycare next week & in future until this house is sorted. It'll certainly be my job no. 1 when I get the opportunity.

Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Your wife sounds like she cares a lot. You're fortunate to have her support, whether emotional or financial .

For private insurance, so long as you've had PI continuously you shouldn't have a waiting period. When my ex and I split I got my own insurance and was able to use it straight away. You're o ly switching from one policy to another.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Made a little progress during a very difficult talk with the wife (ex??) last night.

Absolutely clear there's no love from her any more (which led to much confusion and emotion. On the day of the big break, I dropped her off at work in the morning, got a kiss and a 'love you' from her ... must have been just words ... how can you love someone at 8am, then hate them at 5pm?)

It makes me happy that there may still be a window for me to care for the boys. First, because she can't afford 5 days of daycare for 3yo. Also, we're already in the midst of a term of expensive activities - music, swimming, etc. We're lucky to be able to do something every day. Pragmatically, shame to waste that, and 3yo gets so much out of them. Care of 7yo is simpler - he attends the same school as my teacher wife/ex. I may still have him after school a couple days per week. And we'll still have our AFL Saturdays.

One of the things in our chat was a bit of a harsh one I had to put back on her. Obviously the mantra for the good of the kids is "let's be civil". But I'd say hello, and get ignored. Say goodnight, get ignored. Just offer a coffee, get ignored. I'd make a point of repeating. Cue tension ... kids pick up on that. I understand, given what I'd done. Well at the end of our chat last night we even managed to crack a couple of silly 'in' jokes. This morning when she came out to my bedroom (the sofa/living room) she actually said good morning. When I was venting about trouble getting a GP appointment she was understanding and responsive, looking at her timetable to how she could work to help me get there.

Is wife now my ex? Right now, sadly, yep. Is there hope for a future reconciliation? Unlikely. Counsellor did say "maybe" but I have to get well first and basically (my choice of words) show her what she's missing! I don't know if we'll ever be the cliche "we're still best friends" - I think that rarely happens - but I hope we can at least chat, ask how the school musical is going, etc.

So that's a few positives. An hour and a half's time is not going to be any fun though. We're going to tell the boys what's happening ....... 3yo won't understand. 7yo (that's Lucas) will be devastated. He's noticed I'm not eating (just no appetite) and is worrying already that I'm going to die...... :(

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Cares? Not sure. But she does see how I am, and "feels sorry" for me. I guess that is caring, a chink in her armour.

Didn't realise. That's positive. Just had another brief chat with wifex. Agreed that I should cane the HCF for all I can get as soon as possible.

Am going for eye test and potentially glasses on Friday - HCF gives a better deal compared to basic cover, with no gap.

I'll need time off work for a colonoscopy, teeth out, etc. so better to get our (her) money's worth while we can, and do it while I'm not in work.

I'll be able to stay on the policy for a while, but not forever by any means. It's not a cheap policy we have, but actually has pretty good benefits. I looked at saving money last year and changing policies, but cover went down dramatically, while excess went up. I have ulcerative colitis, a history of heart conditions, and this upcoming wisdom teeth extraction. A new policy would have left me greatly out of pocket had I needed to use the policy. If I can get my body checked and sorted sooner rather than later, we'll only have a single $250 excess to pay.

Anyway, encouraging that I can get my own policy in future and still be covered in case my heart or colon explodes....

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

So heartening to read that you and your wife are able to talk stuff through, despite a few hiccups which are quite understandable given the amount of stress you're both under. Very sensible to talk to the kids. As your 7 year lad has already shown, kids know when something's up and if that's not explained their imaginations run wild. He will no doubt be upset at first, but once he understands that he still has a mum and dad who love him and will still spend time with him, and that none of this is his fault, he will adjust.

Also glad you're getting your health sorted, particularly the colonoscopy as an exploding colon could be very messy.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

So... we told the boys our news this afternoon.

3yo - pretty oblivious, as expected. Though when he saw us all keep crying he kept nipping off to get tissues for us all. So sweet and thoughtful for a 3yo. Yet another beautiful character trait of his I'm going to miss seeing on daily basis :( He was a complete nightmare over dinner though, so a well balanced child clearly...

7yo - devastated. Sobbed his heart out :( :( :( But I think he'll be ok. He was calm after half an hour of hugs and reassurance that although we'll live apart, we'll still do Auskick, swimming (I usually took them both alone anyway to give the wife a break, girl time, whatever), support the local team, even trips to Melbourne when I have the money. He scoffed his dinner down just fine, and went to bed no problem. What a star. Jeez I've barely eaten for 6 days and am getting 3-4 hours per night sleep max on the sofa with only a summer duvet. Still as the saying goes, I made my bed, I gotta lie in it.

In a funny sort of way, I'm kinda proud how we handled 'the chat'. An unexpected positive to take from a very negative situation.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I'll be blunt and not sugar coat my response. What you wrote above was written by an alcoholic. Yes, you need AA and you need it NOW! You cannot manage for now or for the future without acknowledging that you have a disease known as alcoholism. You cannot handle having an alcoholic drink.

Your misadventures with alcohol as you recounted them only prove that you are in denial. You did and have and probably will once again place your sons in danger. You drink because you are "depressed". Yes, depression is real but can be dealt with by the medical profession. Yet knowing this, you never once sought out medical assistance for your depression.

I have a stepson in Nova Scotia who is an alcoholic and has been attending AA meetings for nearly 21 years now. He is a confirmed atheist. He goes to meetings and takes a pill that if he has even a hint of vinegar on his food makes him sick. Between the pill and the meetings, he has remained sober for 21 years. He now has a son, a wife, a home and a great IT job where he can work from home for a banking authority.

Another close friend is also a member of AA. Before joining, he would get drunk and would misinterpret conversations or forget what he had done. The shit hit the fan once he had an argument (which he does not remember) with someone in a bar, went home, grabbed a gun and went back to the bar and killed that person. He spent a good number of years in Rikker's Island prison in NY. Today he is free, sober for over 30 years, got a good job after prison, now retired and living happily in Florida and still a member of AA.

Stop fooling yourself. You have an emotional/medical problem and you cannot do this on your own. Good luck to you because your luck will reflect on your sons' lives.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Contact AA

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Hi Rete and scot47. Blunt and non-sugar coated I can handle. I appreciate merely that you have taken the time to reply. Food for thought and genuinely appreciated. Thank you :thumbup:

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I am relieved to read this from the both of you as having read all the posts I have been searching for a way to write something similar.

Not 'food for thought' Lucas_Dad. If you are intent on turning life around from the path it has been on then search out and attend the very next AA meeting & keep at that. You need it. Whilst you may feel you are managing the alcoholism now , at any single point at any moment you could well not be managing. All of this goes hand in hand with GP visits and other support.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Quoting myself to reiterate my point and add my voice to the last few posts. You will have ups and downs and my concern is that you currently seem quite "up", but when you go "down" you will have further to fall. You need some coping mechanisms that do not involve alcohol and it's best to learn them now, before you do that.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I just want to add, as someone who has been there with the depression, and who has seen alcoholism in others - procrastination is often elevated to an art form. It's also super easy to fall into the trap of "okay, I'll do that when... ", or "as soon as ... I'll do that".

Super easy!

It's easier said than done, but you really need to try to avoid putting things off, or at the very least recognise when you ARE doing that and try to rectify it - and start by following all the incredible advice on this thread :D

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Primarily you've got to sort yourself out. that's the number one thing to do. Not sure if your in a situation to grab citizenship straight away, but that would be very high on my agenda so you can access the services and medicals you need.

Kids that's a hard one.... really really difficult. So whether to comment on this next part is difficult and tricky, on one hand they are your reason for being on the other hand they limit your personal growth bounderies, in as much as a geographical relocation could well be your saving and making. A complete change of enviornent can also enhance the desire to change oneself on the AA track.

Reason I've said that, there is one last frontier in Australia, where you will automatically make a lot of money, change yourself completely and almost certainily instantly walk into a job.... A job which takes you into a world you've never known before and directions you've never thought of. It will almost certainly happen there as long as you can hold it together and cope with the climate and the absence of the kids. Networking in that enviornment will be the key factor.

Move to Darwin.... I'm serious.

Here's the back up in a song. It could work you never know.

Paul Kelly summed up this exact situation years ago.





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Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I know you have been 'on the spot' in NT recently perhaps still there, but rather surprised to read your glowing accounts with regards the NT economy. They have been doing it somewhat tough in recent times has it improved?
I had an opportunity to transfer back there a couple of years ago but declined after consideration. My concern would be the cost of housing for someone going in search of work. It is a very expensive region of Australia. I would also be wondering if somewhat attempting to get off alcohol whether Darwin or NT in general would be the place to be under those circumstances. My previous extended spell up there, some years back now, but most certainly did involve a lot of drinking as well as net working around booze. Has this become less so over time? besides that and the crime issue, really enjoyed most aspects of The Territory, but probably not on a permanent basis.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Lots of associated building work up there right now.... It's expanding at a massive rate. The drinking issue is obviously the litmus test, if you can prove to yourself in that enviornment then you've got your problem beat. I'm a great one for a change of enviornment totally changing your outlook Being away from the kids until you've got the problem beat is also a massive incentive.

As for the Jobs, you just ride the wave and see where it takes you. They like to bend rules up there, so lots of opportunity will be open on an ad hoc basis in certain enviornments. Talked to one guy that went from a Truck Driver, to Grader Drivers to Tow truck salvages all without tickets at the start.... to owning their own multimillion business

As for price..... Kalodonis village circa 60 bucks per night, right in the center of Darwin would be a great starting point.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

My concern would be Darwin was the only capital city to witness a decline in population last year, although small still suggestive to my mind things are not back to anything like normal.
Totally agree a change of environment can help. It wouldn't be an easy place I'd suggest to live off Centre Link, if Or hinder. It depends on support mechanism in place and adaptability to change, which differs according to personal make up.
They do very much 'like to bend the rules' up there as witnessed many a time. I would say give it a go to a youngish, healthy person, but if struggling somewhat and alcohol issues are what appears to be a central part of the under laying problem not sure at all under those circumstances. If going for any sort of employment, it can indeed be a 'tough' type of environment to adapt to. It's certainly an idea to throw into the ring as possible considerations for the OP though.
Just checked out Kalodonis Lodge, as wasn't in operation during my time there, and nothing close to $60 at least during high season. It comes out at a similar price to Travel Lodge and assorted hotels. A few Back packers begin at about that price per week but probably sharing a dorm at this time of year.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Day by day as I mentioned. Glad your feeling a little better. I wasn't going to mention it further, but the church aspect matters not IMO if atheist or agnostic or whatever. I've known a few other folk, one in particular I'm thinking of, who moved with husband to a small coastal town, experiencing great difficulty meeting anyone. They joined a church group there purely for the companionship as neither were remotely religious and claimed a number there were for similar reasons and besides volunteering in a few community events, formed a group within the 'group' not very religious and developed something akin to a social life. People can be quite sensitive to the needs of others that join such fraternities as a religious group.
Then of course there are other eastern philosophical teachings from Buddhist and so on. Just don't get involved with sects that want money or some form of guru worship.
Sporting clubs, if so inclined could be another pathway, but with a far wider variation of people naturally so perhaps not always ideal under the circumstances if not feeling top drawer.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

They sound like wonderful kids :heart:

My own thoughts on moving to a new State are that this isn't the best plan for you right now. There's nothing that you need to remove yourself from in your current location, and I think being away from your kids would be detrimental to both them and yourself. The only thing that needs to change is you, in terms of getting your depression and dependence on alcohol as a crutch sorted. I really believe that doing those things would be easier for you in a familiar environment, where you can maintain regular contact with the kids.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

I'm with SOS, stay where you are.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Hi,, I wish you well with everything.. 2 things.. 1 is we have a lovely lad who is an alcoholic. He has missed many days of work due to this but company told him to take as long as he needed. He says he has been alcholic for years but he has hit rock bottom. Separated from wife, living in brothers house.. We didn't see him for a month or so and we all wondered what was going on with him. Well he'd been to rehab for a month and started attending AA. he is also not religious. The difference in him is amazing. No frown lines, smiles more and we are all so glad to see this but he struggles every day and says if not for aa right now he would not know what to do. He sometimes attends session 2-3 times a day. /We are all behind him and support him as best we can. We spoke for an hour at work the other days whilst watching our clients and I spoke about mother and her struggles with alcohol but majority of time was just listening to him and his struggles. I just want to say it's definitely one day at a time and I really really wish you well..

Depression - unfortunately very familiar with it. I tried for a long time to deal with my depression in other ways than admit defeat and take meds. I was stupid as I really suffered. I now know I cannot function well without my meds.. So I just want to say if you have to take meds though you want to avoid it can help as in my example. Anyway just take care of yourself..

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Thanks everyone for your continued input - all of it, be it gentle or harsh. It's all good. I have got a lot out of each and every one.

I went to see my GP today. Looks like I've got the right man for the job. Not rushed, talked about a bunch of things, worries, etc. I was scared to ask for anti-depressants in case he'd think I was just asking for a quick fix. He actually offered them before I asked. He even qualified it with "you'd be surprised how many successful people, executives, others I know that can't get by without them". That made me feel better. He said I might need them for weeks, months, years, but AT LAST something approaching a positive diagnosis.

I'm also going to get a mental health plan, which will involve getting help from a clinical psychologist (this on top of the counsellor I'm already seeing). The guilt of this costing my wife money? Gone - all bulk billed by the looks of it. GP has written me a letter to take to Centrelink so I should be able to get some money, which will be massively helpful. It won't cover the mortgage entirely, but it'll go a good way to alleviate the pressure. He's essentially signing me off work for 3 months, I think. Having the Centrelink money means not just not HAVING to look for work, but basically not allowed to. That's a huge pressure off. I can in fact use the time to do some training - I've had an IT course lined up for ages - update my swim teacher credentials - maybe even get good at the trombone again.

Three main things I took away from this GP consultation:

1. I was right, in (almost) everything I said to my wife this week. Yes, to a degree I had made some poor choices over the last 6months+, but it wasn't the "real" me. The real me is in there, and is going to fight to get out.
2. As Robin Williams said to Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting - it's not my fault. I have many issues that need addressing. And a chemical imbalance/lacking that needs treating.
3. My wife was right. Right now, I'm not the person she married. If she can't be here right now, so be it. I didn't want to accept that, but I do accept that now.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like there is hope for the future. I'm sure I'll have a good cry when the wife & boys move out on Saturday afternoon, but that's fine. I told my wife everything this evening and it was actually a very pleasant, good natured conversation. I'm convinced she doesn't really understand mental health, but do you really if you've not been through it or are a trained professional? Maybe through me she'll be more educated.

Like my counsellor said last week, this might simply be the end of chapter 1, and the start of chapter 2.... and that might ... just might ... mean a future with my wife. Another favourite film of mine - Shawshank Redemption - hope is not a sh!tty pipe dream. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. I hope I get well again. After that? Who knows.... At least I'll be well.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Sounds a positive step in the right direction. Did you speak about the extent of the alcoholism & will you go to AA? That part of it will not go away even if it seems you are coping at the mo.

Remember alcoholism will lead to depression just as much as depression can lead to alcohol abuse.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

My favourite Irish writer, Marian Keyes, is an alcoholic who wrote about her problem. Her novel "Rachel's Holiday" was about drug addiction, but the principle is the same. I think it was she who said, or says, "There is no such thing as a recovering alcoholic". Meaning, an alcoholic is only one drink from the gutter, his or her whole life.

As BEVS said above (Post #24) "Not 'food for thought' Lucas_Dad. If you are intent on turning life around from the path it has been on then search out and attend the very next AA meeting & keep at that. You need it. Whilst you may feel you are managing the alcoholism now , at any single point at any moment you could well not be managing." The OP won't get any better advice than that.

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Counselling session yesterday evening went well. Counsellor said I seemed surprisingly happy!! Ha!! That's the facade. Still dying inside, but managed to get through the session without crying... well, maybe a bit... but that's progress.

And, the wife has just taken the kids and here I am all on my tod. I've pictured this moment for days and I thought I would be a blubbering mess. But I'm not. I feel fine. That's rather unexpected. The anti-depressants can't be working THAT quickly, surely? It's only been two days.

Maybe it's because I've been outdoors most of the day with master 7yo? Auskick, then supporting our local team.

Dunno. Just thought I'd be a mess. Feels.... odd.... somehow... :unsure:

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Re: Advice/sympathy/slap in the head - all welcome (long/heavy post)
 

Not sure whether or not the anti-depressants would be kicking in yet, but feeling ok when you didn't expect to is nice. I'm sure that spending some time with your little mate would have helped, as does getting out and being active (the natural enemy of depression!).

How are you doing with the booze, not tempted to have a drink? Really glad that your counselling session went well. Maintaining a facade can be useful at times but never be afraid of letting it all out either, especially with a health professional. Growly mum-type advice about eating on your Hello Fresh thread :D