Dorothy

Your wife sounds like she cares a lot. You're fortunate to have her support, whether emotional or financial .

For private insurance, so long as you've had PI continuously you shouldn't have a waiting period. When my ex and I split I got my own insurance and was able to use it straight away. You're o ly switching from one policy to another.

Lucas_Dad

Made a little progress during a very difficult talk with the wife (ex??) last night.

Absolutely clear there's no love from her any more (which led to much confusion and emotion. On the day of the big break, I dropped her off at work in the morning, got a kiss and a 'love you' from her ... must have been just words ... how can you love someone at 8am, then hate them at 5pm?)

It makes me happy that there may still be a window for me to care for the boys. First, because she can't afford 5 days of daycare for 3yo. Also, we're already in the midst of a term of expensive activities - music, swimming, etc. We're lucky to be able to do something every day. Pragmatically, shame to waste that, and 3yo gets so much out of them. Care of 7yo is simpler - he attends the same school as my teacher wife/ex. I may still have him after school a couple days per week. And we'll still have our AFL Saturdays.

One of the things in our chat was a bit of a harsh one I had to put back on her. Obviously the mantra for the good of the kids is "let's be civil". But I'd say hello, and get ignored. Say goodnight, get ignored. Just offer a coffee, get ignored. I'd make a point of repeating. Cue tension ... kids pick up on that. I understand, given what I'd done. Well at the end of our chat last night we even managed to crack a couple of silly 'in' jokes. This morning when she came out to my bedroom (the sofa/living room) she actually said good morning. When I was venting about trouble getting a GP appointment she was understanding and responsive, looking at her timetable to how she could work to help me get there.

Is wife now my ex? Right now, sadly, yep. Is there hope for a future reconciliation? Unlikely. Counsellor did say "maybe" but I have to get well first and basically (my choice of words) show her what she's missing! I don't know if we'll ever be the cliche "we're still best friends" - I think that rarely happens - but I hope we can at least chat, ask how the school musical is going, etc.

So that's a few positives. An hour and a half's time is not going to be any fun though. We're going to tell the boys what's happening ....... 3yo won't understand. 7yo (that's Lucas) will be devastated. He's noticed I'm not eating (just no appetite) and is worrying already that I'm going to die......

Lucas_Dad

Cares? Not sure. But she does see how I am, and "feels sorry" for me. I guess that is caring, a chink in her armour.

Didn't realise. That's positive. Just had another brief chat with wifex. Agreed that I should cane the HCF for all I can get as soon as possible.

Am going for eye test and potentially glasses on Friday - HCF gives a better deal compared to basic cover, with no gap.

I'll need time off work for a colonoscopy, teeth out, etc. so better to get our (her) money's worth while we can, and do it while I'm not in work.

I'll be able to stay on the policy for a while, but not forever by any means. It's not a cheap policy we have, but actually has pretty good benefits. I looked at saving money last year and changing policies, but cover went down dramatically, while excess went up. I have ulcerative colitis, a history of heart conditions, and this upcoming wisdom teeth extraction. A new policy would have left me greatly out of pocket had I needed to use the policy. If I can get my body checked and sorted sooner rather than later, we'll only have a single $250 excess to pay.

Anyway, encouraging that I can get my own policy in future and still be covered in case my heart or colon explodes....

spouse of scouse

So heartening to read that you and your wife are able to talk stuff through, despite a few hiccups which are quite understandable given the amount of stress you're both under. Very sensible to talk to the kids. As your 7 year lad has already shown, kids know when something's up and if that's not explained their imaginations run wild. He will no doubt be upset at first, but once he understands that he still has a mum and dad who love him and will still spend time with him, and that none of this is his fault, he will adjust.

Also glad you're getting your health sorted, particularly the colonoscopy as an exploding colon could be very messy.

Lucas_Dad

So... we told the boys our news this afternoon.

3yo - pretty oblivious, as expected. Though when he saw us all keep crying he kept nipping off to get tissues for us all. So sweet and thoughtful for a 3yo. Yet another beautiful character trait of his I'm going to miss seeing on daily basis He was a complete nightmare over dinner though, so a well balanced child clearly...

7yo - devastated. Sobbed his heart out But I think he'll be ok. He was calm after half an hour of hugs and reassurance that although we'll live apart, we'll still do Auskick, swimming (I usually took them both alone anyway to give the wife a break, girl time, whatever), support the local team, even trips to Melbourne when I have the money. He scoffed his dinner down just fine, and went to bed no problem. What a star. Jeez I've barely eaten for 6 days and am getting 3-4 hours per night sleep max on the sofa with only a summer duvet. Still as the saying goes, I made my bed, I gotta lie in it.

In a funny sort of way, I'm kinda proud how we handled 'the chat'. An unexpected positive to take from a very negative situation.

Rete

I'll be blunt and not sugar coat my response. What you wrote above was written by an alcoholic. Yes, you need AA and you need it NOW! You cannot manage for now or for the future without acknowledging that you have a disease known as alcoholism. You cannot handle having an alcoholic drink.

Your misadventures with alcohol as you recounted them only prove that you are in denial. You did and have and probably will once again place your sons in danger. You drink because you are "depressed". Yes, depression is real but can be dealt with by the medical profession. Yet knowing this, you never once sought out medical assistance for your depression.

I have a stepson in Nova Scotia who is an alcoholic and has been attending AA meetings for nearly 21 years now. He is a confirmed atheist. He goes to meetings and takes a pill that if he has even a hint of vinegar on his food makes him sick. Between the pill and the meetings, he has remained sober for 21 years. He now has a son, a wife, a home and a great IT job where he can work from home for a banking authority.

Another close friend is also a member of AA. Before joining, he would get drunk and would misinterpret conversations or forget what he had done. The shit hit the fan once he had an argument (which he does not remember) with someone in a bar, went home, grabbed a gun and went back to the bar and killed that person. He spent a good number of years in Rikker's Island prison in NY. Today he is free, sober for over 30 years, got a good job after prison, now retired and living happily in Florida and still a member of AA.

Stop fooling yourself. You have an emotional/medical problem and you cannot do this on your own. Good luck to you because your luck will reflect on your sons' lives.

scot47

Contact AA

Lucas_Dad

Hi Rete and scot47. Blunt and non-sugar coated I can handle. I appreciate merely that you have taken the time to reply. Food for thought and genuinely appreciated. Thank you

BEVS

I am relieved to read this from the both of you as having read all the posts I have been searching for a way to write something similar.

Not 'food for thought' Lucas_Dad. If you are intent on turning life around from the path it has been on then search out and attend the very next AA meeting & keep at that. You need it. Whilst you may feel you are managing the alcoholism now , at any single point at any moment you could well not be managing. All of this goes hand in hand with GP visits and other support.

Kooky.

Quoting myself to reiterate my point and add my voice to the last few posts. You will have ups and downs and my concern is that you currently seem quite "up", but when you go "down" you will have further to fall. You need some coping mechanisms that do not involve alcohol and it's best to learn them now, before you do that.

Dreamy

I just want to add, as someone who has been there with the depression, and who has seen alcoholism in others - procrastination is often elevated to an art form. It's also super easy to fall into the trap of "okay, I'll do that when... ", or "as soon as ... I'll do that".

Super easy!

It's easier said than done, but you really need to try to avoid putting things off, or at the very least recognise when you ARE doing that and try to rectify it - and start by following all the incredible advice on this thread

ozzieeagle

Primarily you've got to sort yourself out. that's the number one thing to do. Not sure if your in a situation to grab citizenship straight away, but that would be very high on my agenda so you can access the services and medicals you need.

Kids that's a hard one.... really really difficult. So whether to comment on this next part is difficult and tricky, on one hand they are your reason for being on the other hand they limit your personal growth bounderies, in as much as a geographical relocation could well be your saving and making. A complete change of enviornent can also enhance the desire to change oneself on the AA track.

Reason I've said that, there is one last frontier in Australia, where you will automatically make a lot of money, change yourself completely and almost certainily instantly walk into a job.... A job which takes you into a world you've never known before and directions you've never thought of. It will almost certainly happen there as long as you can hold it together and cope with the climate and the absence of the kids. Networking in that enviornment will be the key factor.

Move to Darwin.... I'm serious.

Here's the back up in a song. It could work you never know.

Paul Kelly summed up this exact situation years ago.





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the troubadour

I know you have been 'on the spot' in NT recently perhaps still there, but rather surprised to read your glowing accounts with regards the NT economy. They have been doing it somewhat tough in recent times has it improved?
I had an opportunity to transfer back there a couple of years ago but declined after consideration. My concern would be the cost of housing for someone going in search of work. It is a very expensive region of Australia. I would also be wondering if somewhat attempting to get off alcohol whether Darwin or NT in general would be the place to be under those circumstances. My previous extended spell up there, some years back now, but most certainly did involve a lot of drinking as well as net working around booze. Has this become less so over time? besides that and the crime issue, really enjoyed most aspects of The Territory, but probably not on a permanent basis.

ozzieeagle

Lots of associated building work up there right now.... It's expanding at a massive rate. The drinking issue is obviously the litmus test, if you can prove to yourself in that enviornment then you've got your problem beat. I'm a great one for a change of enviornment totally changing your outlook Being away from the kids until you've got the problem beat is also a massive incentive.

As for the Jobs, you just ride the wave and see where it takes you. They like to bend rules up there, so lots of opportunity will be open on an ad hoc basis in certain enviornments. Talked to one guy that went from a Truck Driver, to Grader Drivers to Tow truck salvages all without tickets at the start.... to owning their own multimillion business

As for price..... Kalodonis village circa 60 bucks per night, right in the center of Darwin would be a great starting point.

the troubadour

My concern would be Darwin was the only capital city to witness a decline in population last year, although small still suggestive to my mind things are not back to anything like normal.
Totally agree a change of environment can help. It wouldn't be an easy place I'd suggest to live off Centre Link, if Or hinder. It depends on support mechanism in place and adaptability to change, which differs according to personal make up.
They do very much 'like to bend the rules' up there as witnessed many a time. I would say give it a go to a youngish, healthy person, but if struggling somewhat and alcohol issues are what appears to be a central part of the under laying problem not sure at all under those circumstances. If going for any sort of employment, it can indeed be a 'tough' type of environment to adapt to. It's certainly an idea to throw into the ring as possible considerations for the OP though.
Just checked out Kalodonis Lodge, as wasn't in operation during my time there, and nothing close to $60 at least during high season. It comes out at a similar price to Travel Lodge and assorted hotels. A few Back packers begin at about that price per week but probably sharing a dorm at this time of year.