2016 Joke Thread
 

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.
Men will never learn...

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

How do you make a genie angry?








Rub him up the wrong way.

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Undertakers are actively promoting glass coffins as an alternative to the timber versions.

Will it catch on?

Remains to be seen.....

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!!

Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Darling, breakfast is in the oven. I left early to get the ingredients to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Christine"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Dan asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....


"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Saying the right thing at the right time.... PRICELESS

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

The vacuum won't start...


A retired chap sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, could you do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week?”
The chap gives it a moment’s thought and says; “Sure why not, show me to the vacuum.”
Half an hour later, he goes into the kitchen to make some coffee.
His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?
Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.
“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time I used it”. So he did………

Click Here...

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade
four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class
for an
example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be
an accident either!"
The teacher left the room..

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Paddy was in bed with his wife.

When his wife's mobile rings at 3am, Paddy answers it and then angrily says,
"Fe** off and call the weather office."

His wife asks, "Who was that?"

"Some eejit asking if the coast was clear" said Paddy.

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

:rofl:

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a bullshitter - he's never been out of the yard"

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Just heard this on the Simpsons...

Carl: Hey, Lenny, how's it going with that girl next door?'
Lenny: 'Ah, it's over - she got a window shade.'

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

I brought my car to the mechanic the other day and I said 'My car keeps going rrrr rrreeee rrrreeee rrreee'. He said 'it's your clutch'. I said 'it's not the clutch, it keeps going rrreee rrreee rrreeee'. He said 'it's you clutch'. I said 'it's not the clutch, it keeps going rrreeee rrreeee rrreeee'. He said yeah it's your clutch. I said 'will you stop interrupting me, I've got a stutter. It keeps going rrrreeee rrrreee rrreeeally slowly up hills'. He said yeah is your clutch.

- Lee Mack

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Here's a nice one:

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

😂

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

From the obituary leaders in today's DT:

>>Chris Sizemore, multiple personality disorder patient – obituary<<

Shouldn't that be "obituaries"?

Just asking......

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Agreed. It's what they would have wanted.

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

CLEVER RESPONSE FROM TECH SUPPORT

Tech Support

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.
The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Simply superb!!!

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

Quite amazing that we now have the most comprehensive, detailed view and understanding of our galaxy by being able to map the location of billions of stars and planets and we then call it gaia. FFS.

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

:confused::confused::confused:

Re: 2016 Joke Thread
 

A play on words. Gaia as in pronounced gay. I guess a joke is no good when you have to explain it.