Wol

>>$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!<<

What's your bank account no?

steve`o

they say that swearing is due to a limited vocabulary
i know thousands of words but
i still prefer "f**k off" to "go away"

cresta57

Following the death of a Mozambican taxi driver, who was handcuffed to the back of a South African police van and dragged through the streets. Authorities are keen to ensure it doesn't spark racial tensions, so they have dropped the speeding charges!
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However he has been charged with tailgating

Wol

Judge: What are the grounds for your divorce?
Woman:
About 4 acres and a nice little home with a stream
running by.

No, I mean what is the foundation of the case.
It’s made of concrete, bricks and

mortar.

I mean, what are your relations like?
I have an aunt and uncle living nearby and so do my
husband’s parents.

Do you have a real grudge?
No, we have a 2-car carport so have never really needed one.
Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos.

Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?
Yes, about twice a week he gets up earlier than me.




Finally the judge asked Lady:

Why do you want a divorce?

Oh I don’t want a divorce, my husband does. He says
he can’t communicate with me!

Wol

http://vimeo.com/61275290

steve`o

good one

Bud the Wiser

" If you're a German Dominatrix clamp your Hans."

GreenMan72

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of museli?

He got swept away by the currents...

DaveLovesDee

Rio Ferdinand's been called up to the England squad, as he 'can do the job they require of him'.

What do you mean it actually happened I thought the person who told me was joking!

Toe Dipper

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"... she said.

TD

cresta57

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

datamile

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your Husband/wife any more.
He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Wol

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9pD_UK6vGU

It works!

.

Bud the Wiser

Then there's Etch-A-Sketch Sex. Where you tweak both nipples and watch the lines on her face turn into a big smile.

Wol

I cannot vouch for these, but the OP had actual names in it: I have deleted them to be safe.

BUT:

A DC airport ticket agent-must read!
This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication
of how much trouble our country is in.

God Bless America !


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the United States is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (XXX XXXXXXXXXXXX) ask for an aisle seat so that

her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (******** ********) staffer (??????? ???????), who wanted

to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,

and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,

but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,

''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman (@@@@@ @@@@@@) called, furious about a Florida package

we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an

ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (#### #####) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member(&&& &&&& &&&&) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .

I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he

wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between

gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman (%%% %%%%%%%) called last week. She needed to know how it

was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand

the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker, (+++ ++++++) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description

on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage

that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back

and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was

just putting a destination tag on his luggage.


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (=== ==== =====) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .

After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California

and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, $$$$$$ $$$$$ from Ala who asked,

''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823,

but none of these planes have that number on them.''


10. Senator DDDDD FFFFFF called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .

Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''


11. >>>>> <<<<<< , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed

in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she

needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said,

''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''


12. A New Jersey Congressman (****** ********) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from

Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code

in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,

AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.

Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.