carolina212

It's a very interesting post. How would you say your health (body) is right now? Are you feeling better/healthier now when you're back home?

MSmithy

Sorry for the slow reply, but yes my health is better now, thanks. I had acid reflux caused by stress. I still get it a bit but nothing like it was.

MSmithy

One of the big issues I have is that to stay in my career area I will probably need to go abroad again. I need to start working again but fear I will burnout due to the workload and emotional stress of being far from home. On the other hand I hope to learn from my experiences first time around and perhaps do things better next time, e.g. try to socialise more etc.

I could try and change career just to stay in the UK, maybe downshift, but I don't know if I could be jeopardising my future and it's very expensive here(!). I'm single and in my late 30's and feels like am at a bit of a crossroads. Any constructive thoughts welcome.

between two worlds

Goodness this is all very complex--and very interesting, though to you it is a life crossroads so for you of course it is not just an interesting discussion, I appreciate that, but a very crucial moment.

I am not sure I have any constructive thoughts!

Just as a gut reaction to what you said in your earlier posts, it sounds as if the UK is much better for you emotionally and health-wise.

In this post, you say you would have to change career to stay in the UK. You don't mention whether you enjoy the career you are currently in, or not. Whether you want to stay in that career, even if it means living abroad, or whether any other career path appeals in its own right, not just because it might help you stay in UK.

It sounds to me as if it would be so good to find some wise person like a life coach (experienced!) or even a psychotherapist to help you disentangle everything. Not to tell you what to do! But to help you think it through and articulate it, so you understand your own desires, needs, etc better.

For example, is there a sort of feeling (exacerbated by all these annoying people who keep saying "wow, Fiji! why did you leave?") that staying in UK would be "failing" in some way? Do you see that choice as somehow inferior to the more "glamourous" "adventurous" "cool" one of going abroad again? If so, that feeling can be ignored, I'd say--it could be based more on what others think that on what you truly feel.
Or is it that you truly have a yen for adventure, and need the stimulation of new places and new experiences to feel fulfilled?

Then you mention that you haven't done the expected get-married-and-have-kids thing. This of course means you are in the fortunate position of being freer than people who have ties, and you only have yourself to please.

But are you seriously thinking about finding a partner, or not much bothered? Because if you are seriously thinking of that, you need to think about whether ideally that partner would be living in Britain and wanting to stay there, or whether that would matter to you....
I hasten to add there is NOT any xenophobia or jingoism or racism or anti-foreigner feeling behind my comment!! It's just my own personal experience speaking. I, like many others on BE, fell in love with and married a foreigner--American in my case. I have no regrets whatsoever and we are still happily married--BUT you can't spend more than five minutes on BE without seeing that there can be huge strains on a relationship when the two people want to live in different places.

MSmithy

Thanks for the helpful reply. It's true I am not sure about my career path. That is what contributed to my burnout too. There are some aspects I like, the subject area is interesting and intellectually stimulating, although the politics of it can be nerve-wracking and the workload mentally demanding. I think deep down I still have a bit of passion left for it, and it became my identity, and that is why I find it so hard to leave it behind.

I definitely do have a big penchant for adventure, that's what led me to Fiji in the first place and I have travelled to many other places before that. I think it's natural for me to be somewhere for a few years and then want to try somewhere else. Although would be nice to have a settled base to return to.

One thing I missed in Fiji was having a girlfriend from UK/Europe, someone that I could relate to more, or perhaps bring me some stability; and maybe an obvious route to go back home together one day. The girls in Fiji were lovely but I could see it being a problem of where to eventually settle if we got serious; I could foresee some issues as you mention. However, now I'm back in the UK I make little effort to meet anyone new (!), I've been a bit down about being unemployed and have been mourning Fiji in some ways. So it's a catch-22! Cheers

not2old

forgive me if this is brash & bold - I'm old hat that has lived & moved around worked in several countries & experienced many many different cultures

I'll do it for you ...Decision made, stop the waffling & accept the job .... just do it, you'll be a better person for it & whats another 2 years out of your life?

Don't think or dwell too much about having acquaintances or friends from the past, even having a European friend.... they'll all come in time if those desires are still with you.

It'll be another notch on your CV & the experience will be mind boggling. Like Dunroving, I would hire someone that had worked four international jobs with a proven track record over a domestic candidate. You'd come with fewer bad habits, less whinging & the ability to do a better job IMO

you answered your own question I believe

Good luck to you

MSmithy

Thanks for the brash response, I can see your reasoning and am tempted. I could go for it but I just had a bad migraine the other day after talking on the phone to the people that I would be working for, it's probably not a good sign. It's a job though, the money isn't bad and can save a bit and I could rent a decent but cheap flat out there, and can go on safaris. The downside is that it will be very hard work and far from family/friends again and prospects of getting work in a UK uni even with more experience are slim, so I'm cast adrift unless I just accept it and get on with it. I've been seeing a counsellor and she thinks I should stay in the UK for a while at least to be in a place where I'm accepted/ don't feel as much of an outsider.

If I am going to retrain then I should do it now. I have been looking into becoming a physiotherapist; but I would have to wait a couple of years before I would be accepted on a NHS-funded uni course (must have been living in UK for previous 3 yrs) and then the course would take 2-3 years. So I would be early 40s before I would be qualified and I am worried that finding a job as a graduate might be tough (!).

between two worlds

Very interesting, the definite response you got from not2old on the one hand, and the opposite advice you got from the counsellor.

With all due respect to not2old, whose reply does make plenty of sense in one way, I tend to lean towards the counsellor is saying. Not only because it chimes with what I was feeling in response to your posts; but also because she has heard you talking face to face and heard what your emotions are and may be in a better position to suss out what your needs are now.

not2old

post 22 & 23 ... reminds me of the 'fence sitter' that damned if I do - damned if I don't. Its the 'I need to make a decision, but don't know if its the right one'.

Fortunately for me I'm in the final quadrant of my life cycle in the 'twilight years (possibly & hopefully 25 more to go) where I don't need to make a career decision choice, nor worry too much about friends or family other than waiting for my 95 year old FIL to pop his clogs, so we can get on with it.

I come from a different time & place than the modern world. My life as an immigrant leaving the UK at aged 20 emigrating to Canada with pennies in my pocket, no job, no place to go, no friends or family to meet me (us) - no fear of the unkonwn. From the school of hard knocks - it was do or die.

Of course my brash approach is 'get on with it' .... without the thought or fear of the outcome.

OP, IMO (and I don't know you or your circumstances) is if you are weighed on the side of insecurity & like the comfort level of being in the UK - then do whatever it is that is in your heart.

Good luck to you & BTW, in my world 40 is not old

Gypsy57

I agree with him ^ Just do it. I'm of the frame of mind, that if you don't try, you'll regret it later. I just quit a great job with awesome benefits in China, because I'm totally bored with the work, don't gel well with some of my colleagues, can't find a decent guy and my closest friend here left so I've practically been alone the past 6months apart from a group of former friends who I just don't fit with anymore (they just drink in the same old bars, whining about their jobs, it's always the same...). On the other hand, I really love China. It's an amazing country and I decided to leave just when my Mandarin is starting to get much better and I keep walking around feeling sad and trying to imprint weird stuff in my mind- especially as it takes such a long time to get used to this crazy place. It was hard coming here, and it's even harder to leave but I need to get on with things. I'm 30 and decided to go back to uni to study languages in France- against the advice of some others who think I won't get a good job with it. I feel like I'm taking 5 steps back in order to try a new career and studying with the 18 year olds again! - I'm going to find a part time job as a waitress- do you know how hard that is to be a foreign waitress in France?! It nearly killed me last time I did that! But... whatever... I want to try it. If it doesn't work, then so be it. I'll be happy that I'd at least tried. The best advice I got from a fellow travelling friend was to always make sure you have enough money to buy a ticket home if it all goes tits up and to not be afraid or ashamed to come home if it does.

scot47

What you describe was known to the ancients -

Caelum, non animum, mutat qui trans mare currit.

You do not change your soul as the result of a geographical move !

Amaike

I can attest to this - moved to Sydney because OH was utterly miserable in London, only to find myself intensely disliking it here, unable to return due to Hague Convention, and of course it has massively strained the relationship. Such a shame when these issues of where to live are so binary.

jasper123

Hi not2old,
I so relate to your life as an Immigrant to be so simular to mine, Im 70 in a couple of months,
I migrated to Australia when I was 19, went there on my own, and no friends and no money, just the £10 it cost me for my flight out there, I was a £10 pommie, I did though have a Job that sponsered me, after 6 months didn't like it so quit, but found another quite quickly, ended up living in Ozz for 4 years, returned home to England, worked 5 years then my wanderlust got hold of me again and I migrated to Canada, stayed there 3 years, and then crossed the border to the USA and ended up staying there for 33 years living in various States, ------- I loved my whole expat life, wouldn't change a thing!!! ------ 4 years ago I retired and decided to come back to my home town of Pompey, England. never regretted it, and now like you I am in my twilight years, maybe 10 to 20 years left if Im lucky, and Im looking after my almost 96 year old Mum, we are having much fun together, and we are both happy, and in pretty good health at the moment, ---- as for me Im just looking forward to living out the rest of what Ive got left in this life of ours, in the very Town I was born and raised in, I've returned to the place where my life began, and I love it here, and like you I am very fortunate that I never have to think about my career anymore!!!!
I can see clearly now, more clearly then I have ever seen, I have changed through the years a lot, Im very settled now after my 4 years being home, and Im very contented with the very different life that I have now, and of course enjoying my retirement after over 50 years of hard work!!!!
Yep I can honestly say I come from the school of hard knoks, just like you, the old school.

MDiligent

Was just reading the comments of not2old and jasper123... interesting, I think I would eventually like to retire in my home town too. I love the place although it's a bit quiet and want to explore the world in between whilst still maintaining contact with few family members and friends still there (is this possible, with friends for many years/decades?). It's funny but out of my circle of friends, I'm the only one who has not settled in my home town. I was wondering if it helps to have a property there and then say rent it out? Or should I not worry about that until I have to? Not that I could afford a place yet, I would probably have to work there and get a mortgage. And what about having a family etc whilst satisfying my wanderlust and having the expectation I will go back to my home town in retirement, can it all mesh? I'm probably thinking about this too much lol. Any thoughts welcome, cheers.

scot47

Moving back often triggers off one or more "psychotic episodes". It happened to me in the 1970s after a spell in the Middle East. On return to the UK I went doollally. My critics say this was permanent change in my personality. I regard it as part of the process of growing up.

Being a psychiatric patient is a "rite of passage" that I recommend to all. You are not fully adult until you have been sectioned unbder the mental Health Acts.