cheeky_monkey

Hi all..so I came back from Calgary 3 months ago after 5 years in Canada....I thought it was the right time to do it..be closer to my children my old company had offered me a job so it all seemed like the starts had aligned for a quick easy return.

3 months on I have swapped my large detached house with basement and integral double garage for a small flat with one parking spot in London..my work is driving me up the wall with boredom where I was super busy in Calgary here I have nothing really to do and I hate it..i just want to smack some people at work who are just totally clueless.

I Have seen my kids once properly who came to stay for a weekend in May so I don't see them anymore than I did when I was in Canada which is disappointing even though I have tried to see them more they don't seem to bothered if I am around or not as they have their own lives friends etc im just not that important anymore.

I am financially worse off I took a huge pay cut to come back and cant afford to buy a house or flat etc and rent is too expensive.

so I am seriously considering going back to Canada for good and just thinking about me and my security and some sanity..i am going to give it until September to see if it anything changes..and also flights are cheaper then lol.

Lorry1

Hi Cheeky_monkey,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time since returning.

I think your post says it all though - You swapped a large detached house in the suburbs for a one bedroom flat in one of the busiest cities in the world!

You hate your job and you think your kids have abandoned you as they have their own lives now.

Its a shame you couldn't set up outside London in a slightly larger house and commute in.
Are you able to find a new and better job, do you think?

I don't know what to say about the kids, that is definitely a tough and upsetting situation for you.

Personally I don't miss my 4500 sq ft house in Canada at all and my 4 bed detached here in England is too big for me but as much as I love London to visit, I could never live there in a million years.

I think 3 months is too short a time to make a decision though and if you could make some changes to make it work you might feel happier here. Good luck to you.

Sally Redux

Kids..."don't seem to bothered if I am around or not as they have their own lives friends etc im just not that important anymore."

I'm afraid that is just the way of the world.

feelbritish

"The kids not being bothered with you" is unfortunate but is the way of kids today! We found this out in May/June when back on holiday, unless we were doing exactly what they wanted and spending loads of money on them, they became hostile and belligerent! It has changed our perspective on moving back and from now on where we go and do will be dictated to by us! That includes if we ever see them as well!

I also think 3 months is too short a time. The heat of summer and all those extra tourists in London must be a nightmare. I think personally you are in the wrong place and possibly the wrong job! I remember you back in Calgary and you were definitely not happy there either! Didn't your older son stay behind? I may have mixed you up with someone else

If you come back would it be to your old job? If you have to job hunt again why not do it in UK and go further afield and take only yourself into consideration! Or as was said, commute into London rather than stay in a poxy box of a flat!

Really feel sad for you, like a lot of us you were hoping that the UK would be the answer to your problems. Sometimes these problems just go along with us! We are having a wonderful summer here on VI and there are moments when we wonder if we are doing the right thing!

ann m

Sorry you are having a crappy time - and like others have commented, it does seem so very much tied to your job and your home.

Read some of your old posts. You were bored and fed up in Calgary for several reasons. Try and drill down what REALLY matters.

The kids part is hard to have anticipated. Teens really are pretty self-centred and rarely make time for anyone, even family, if it does not fit into their plans.

Best wishes - give a bit more time, see what other options are available to you in London or elsewhere in the country and maybe don't feel tied to one area. Maybe a couple of hours drive to see the kids once a month, once every three months is actually doable?

Oh, and have a curry for me!

And if you do end up back in Calgary - that's fine too - just don't rush into the decision, because you made so much effort to get back to the UK anyway.

cheeky_monkey

Correct I was bored in Calgary because there wasn't much to do..i was fed up because of my personal circumstances..i thought that would change being back in the UK..I have come to the conclusion that I have left it too late to rekindle my relationships with my children and should have come back xmas 2012.

I have also realised it was a mistake coming back to London and coming back to my old company I should have left that all in the past because I have changed as a person whilst I was away and had moved on with my career..its like finding an old pair of your favourite shoes from years ago and now seeing they no longer fit and look very shabby and tatty and best belong in the bin.

Maybe I needed to come back to come to terms with the fact that my old life is gone and I can never get it back..i need to start with a clean slate and think about my future both financially and emotionally and indeed take a hard long look at myself.

This is why im going to give it another 3months and look at different avenues in the UK..fortunately I took a leave of absence from my Job in Calgary so can go back anytime I want in the next year...so it wouldn't be to difficult to return.

WEBlue

In my personal opinion, it's never to late to rekindle bonds with close family members. Figure out what it is each of your children needs--whether it be help with their own children, a meal out once in a while, a meet up for a quick coffee or walk, or maybe something completely different... whatever. It may take some time to work out how to relate to each one. Three months seems too short a time to reknit a raveled relationship into something stronger.

cheeky_monkey

my children are not that old the youngest is 11.

iaink

My 2c is that 3 months isnt long enough either in coming to Canada or in returning to the UK, got to give it at least a year to get past all the upheaval and figure out whats what.

Under the circumstances I think you have to really push to make and maintain contact with your kids again, way above and beyond what may seem reasonable, but short of them taking out a restraining order! Are they aware how you feel?

WEBlue

Oh wow, sorry I assumed they were older (perhaps grown up) when you said they have their own lives.

So finding things to do with them should be easier to figure out if they're still kids. Though teen-agers do present problems to any adult wanting to entertain them, of course. At that age they can be too cool for many activities, and can easily be embarrassed by being with a parent. Plus many teens are unfortunately starting to want expensive things.

But surely you can find something to do with each, depending on his/her interests. Take one to a favourite fast food place, sports event, hike, hobby shop....

Sometimes it takes a bit of probing to find what the interests are, and you may make mistakes, but that doesn't matter. The interest a parent takes in his child's life is never misplaced, and is always valuable. (Even if you do end up eventually leaving.)

between two worlds

Very sad to read you are having such a disappointment, but I concur with what other posters are saying: give it more time.

Children--especially teen and pre-teen--do seem very self-absorbed some--well, maybe most!--of the time. Also, they are often confused by their own emotions and are not able to communicate their feelings, especially towards parents. If there is a difficult history--you were absent for a while, etc--this could be even more tricky....

I would say they are too young for you to give up on a relationship with them. Later it may really matter that you tried.

Sorry if this sounds preachy but I think it's important.

cheeky_monkey

The trouble im having is that I live over 200 miles away from my children so its not exactly as though I can take them out for tea or have them every weekend..i think that was my mistake by going back to London rather than looking for a job close to where they live..i was offered the opportunity to move back job in place and took it without thinking about the long term implications..so was thinking it would be my only option to look for work in their area and move now.

WEBlue

Hmmm, that distance does make regular contact a real challenge certainly.... At least you & your children are all living in the same country, so no need for airline tickets. But it seems that unless you move, it's not going to be easy to see them.... Does your current employer have any presence near your children, so a work transfer could be a possibility? The parental bond is so important, for the mental & physical well-being of both child & parent.

I have a friend who moved to London after a messy divorce, leaving her ex-husband and step-children in Wales. She'd been extremely close to the step-children but the divorce was so bitter she despaired of ever seeing them again. She kept sending birthday cards and chatty emails--with no replies at all for a couple of years ... but as they grew older, one by one they began to seek her out for online chats and occasional Skype talks. Now, 3 years later, the elder two have travelled on their own to London to see her, and recently she met up with the youngest when she was in Wales on business.

However, she had to work hard at keeping the lines of communication open, showing interest in their lives but not pressurizing them. She always told them that she believed there would be opportunities to meet up if they wanted, even if it took effort on one side or the other, but that it was up to them. And it DID take years, until they were old enough and brave enough (and comfortable enough with her after all the trauma of the divorce) to finally meet. Reconnecting in person meant the world to her, and probably to them--that after all those years she was waiting patiently to give each one a hug again.

iaink

In Canada 200 miles is not a great distance. My wife for example did 800km round trip for a cousins funeral last week and thought nothing of it. At least there isnt an ocean in the way and you are in a country that has half decent public transport so the train or bus can do the work if you dont want to drive it.

If family is important then a move nearer is worth thinking about. But if you cant spark any interest in them renewing that connection with you then you are just going to end up resent them for "making" you give up your London job, so for starters I would just put in the hard miles and establish the relationship you want before ditching your current job.

At the risk of sounding harsh, "suck it up buttercup" My dad commuted 200+miles from Liverpool to London and back every weekend for 2 years to be with us after switching jobs and being unable to sell the house. Then he did it again for 18 months after moving jobs the other way ten years later. You do what you have to when you have family.

mikelincs

I suspect that is the main problem, London is so expensive as well, I wopuld suggest getting a job nearer your kids and see what happens.