Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
Apr 22nd 2014, 2:03 am
#16
Joined: Dec 2001
Location: Dixie, ex UK
Posts: 52,442
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
I was about to say exactly the same thing. I think we have been going through as big an upheaval to our life since little Miss P started kindergarten as at any time since we emigrated from the UK. We've been making new friends and meeting new people.
Apr 22nd 2014, 7:09 am
#17
Finally Home!
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: Used to be New York, now North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,610
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
I have just re-read this thread as well as CalgaryPete's thread on when does it seem worth it and I think for some people, it becomes worth it almost immediately. A lot depends on what you expect and if you expect too much, it will never seem like it is "worth it".
To be honest, I have pretty much given up on certain people here ("back home"). I get more calls, emails and requests and invitations for visits (in both directions) from my US friends than I ever get from people here in the UK. It's now at the point where I am pretty much fed up making the effort as far as some people are concerned. Relationships can't continue long-term when you are having to make all of the effort. As far as some people are concerned I could have died a month ago and they wouldn't realise.
Having spent several hours over the past couple of weeks talking with US friends, I am reminded of the positivity that I miss so much, but for me being in the UK now means I can retire about 5 years early so yes, it is "worth it". I am in the middle of arranging an additional trip to the US in July to spend time with people who appreciate me. But I wouldn't return permanently, for financial reasons.
Sometimes life only seems worth it when you realize what compromises you are willing to make and don't expect perfection.
To be honest, I have pretty much given up on certain people here ("back home"). I get more calls, emails and requests and invitations for visits (in both directions) from my US friends than I ever get from people here in the UK. It's now at the point where I am pretty much fed up making the effort as far as some people are concerned. Relationships can't continue long-term when you are having to make all of the effort. As far as some people are concerned I could have died a month ago and they wouldn't realise.
Having spent several hours over the past couple of weeks talking with US friends, I am reminded of the positivity that I miss so much, but for me being in the UK now means I can retire about 5 years early so yes, it is "worth it". I am in the middle of arranging an additional trip to the US in July to spend time with people who appreciate me. But I wouldn't return permanently, for financial reasons.
Sometimes life only seems worth it when you realize what compromises you are willing to make and don't expect perfection.
I'd add that you take yourself and your problems with you wherever you go. Sounds obvious but I think we all forget that. Even for those who love being back right away, there can be a reckoning later when the honeymoon wears off.
I'm still very glad we came back and wild horses wouldn't drag me away, but the euphoria has gone and daily life is just daily life again. I had some issues to deal with in the US and guess what, I still have them now. Guess I couldn't outrun them
Apr 22nd 2014, 12:33 pm
#18
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 862
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
Without question this is such an individual thing. It is something in the soul.
My return has been a nightmare. As I type this- returning on a daily basis to a substandard flat and building, (I am sleeping in an upmarket B&B-all costs being met) 'work' men are banging and drilling outside the window on yet another repair. This time the complex boilers. Something has gone wrong and radiators that are switched off....are hot. My temperature gauge is currently showing just a shade under 28 degs in here.
It's a retirement complex; one elderly person has collapsed with the heat....and we are told this will continue until new boilers are installed completion: 2/5/14.
This housing authority could not organise a biss up in a prewery.
And I regret nothing. Not one damn thing. I am so glad I have returned. I have read in posts on BE that '10/20/30 years have become a thing of the past; it's as if I was never away'. (Not all-but some have written that. Same here. It's as if I was never away).
I have made friends with one couple in partic. It is as if I have known them all my life. They have kept me afloat. I honestly and truthfully did not develop any friendship like this in Australia.
I find people far more friendly here-I first noticed that at Manchester Airport, but put it down to the euphoria of return.
Having said that....a retirement (independent living, not sheltered) complex is like a small society in its own right....
I raised hell over what has happened here and some of these self centred so and so's are not happy, primarily because of their friendship with a so-called 'Manager'.
These types are everywhere: Aus/UK/US/-you name it.
I am not trying to say: 'it is what you make of it/it is down to your own outlook etc.,'.
I'm saying it either works, or it does not. It is an indiscernible thing. I would have every reason to be unhappy, and I am; dreadfully,-I now have to take sleeping tablets. But that unhappiness is directed where it should be,-not at the UK.
That part I got right.
(They have agreed compensation. Bless).
My return has been a nightmare. As I type this- returning on a daily basis to a substandard flat and building, (I am sleeping in an upmarket B&B-all costs being met) 'work' men are banging and drilling outside the window on yet another repair. This time the complex boilers. Something has gone wrong and radiators that are switched off....are hot. My temperature gauge is currently showing just a shade under 28 degs in here.
It's a retirement complex; one elderly person has collapsed with the heat....and we are told this will continue until new boilers are installed completion: 2/5/14.
This housing authority could not organise a biss up in a prewery.
And I regret nothing. Not one damn thing. I am so glad I have returned. I have read in posts on BE that '10/20/30 years have become a thing of the past; it's as if I was never away'. (Not all-but some have written that. Same here. It's as if I was never away).
I have made friends with one couple in partic. It is as if I have known them all my life. They have kept me afloat. I honestly and truthfully did not develop any friendship like this in Australia.
I find people far more friendly here-I first noticed that at Manchester Airport, but put it down to the euphoria of return.
Having said that....a retirement (independent living, not sheltered) complex is like a small society in its own right....
I raised hell over what has happened here and some of these self centred so and so's are not happy, primarily because of their friendship with a so-called 'Manager'.
These types are everywhere: Aus/UK/US/-you name it.
I am not trying to say: 'it is what you make of it/it is down to your own outlook etc.,'.
I'm saying it either works, or it does not. It is an indiscernible thing. I would have every reason to be unhappy, and I am; dreadfully,-I now have to take sleeping tablets. But that unhappiness is directed where it should be,-not at the UK.
That part I got right.
(They have agreed compensation. Bless).
Apr 24th 2014, 9:46 am
#19
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,197
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
Great posts as usual from dunroving, sallysimmons, and emperor.
I am really lucky in that I have come back to my home town and have, with DH, been welcomed with open arms by those members of my large family who also live here. We just had enormous Easter celebrations and at the end when saying goodbye, which before when I was just visiting meant "goodbye for several months" now just means goodbye for a little while, and often I heard, "it's so nice, you live here now!" So that has been awesome, and everyone has made sure to pay special attention to my husband as well. This isn't his country, though it has long been our second home and if he is to feel at home anywhere in England, it would be here. So that bodes well, but he has also just taken early retirement and is at a bit of a loose end, needing to find something to do part-time but not sure what....it's early days yet, I am sure things will fall into place.
Old friends have also come up trumps and are willing to let us back into their lives, tho some of them are mine rather than "ours" and we need to work on the social side of things....
In all, I am very happy indeed to be here and thankful every day. Just wish my US-based child wasn't so far away. (The other two adult children live in Europe, each a short flight away).
But it is different for everyone.
I am really lucky in that I have come back to my home town and have, with DH, been welcomed with open arms by those members of my large family who also live here. We just had enormous Easter celebrations and at the end when saying goodbye, which before when I was just visiting meant "goodbye for several months" now just means goodbye for a little while, and often I heard, "it's so nice, you live here now!" So that has been awesome, and everyone has made sure to pay special attention to my husband as well. This isn't his country, though it has long been our second home and if he is to feel at home anywhere in England, it would be here. So that bodes well, but he has also just taken early retirement and is at a bit of a loose end, needing to find something to do part-time but not sure what....it's early days yet, I am sure things will fall into place.
Old friends have also come up trumps and are willing to let us back into their lives, tho some of them are mine rather than "ours" and we need to work on the social side of things....
In all, I am very happy indeed to be here and thankful every day. Just wish my US-based child wasn't so far away. (The other two adult children live in Europe, each a short flight away).
But it is different for everyone.
Apr 25th 2014, 7:50 pm
#20
Just Joined
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
I am originally not from UK and when I came to live in UK always found it difficult to make friends with English people. However that was in London. Now we are living in the country, people are much friendlier, relaxed and open. We find it much friendlier than New Zealand where we lived for a few years. In fact, when we got back to UK from New Zealand we could not believe how friendly and relaxed the people are in UK in comparison! Found the people in NZ just so closed and would openly talk in front of me about how they hate 'poms' and foreigners (including the in-laws who told me directly 'we hate poms'). When I used to confide in anyone that I was feeling lonely or left out they would say 'why dont you leave then'.
So it was really nice to leave NZ and at least return to a country where despite not being born there you are welcome.
But coming back to the original theme of being a rolling stone and not gathering any moss and feeling on the outside. This is something that happens when you move around. Which is what I have found. And it can take great effort to break through that exoskeletal layer that separates you from the people in the country to which you have moved.
Graham Green covered the topic of existentialism and not belonging in 'The Comedians'
Solutions:
join a sports club/tennis club/hiking club
maybe move to a different area - the more urban the less community - so maybe somewhere more rural
post an ad on this site to meet up with others in your area for coffee and chats
and last but not least, it is not you, it is just circumstance, so look at how to change it.
So it was really nice to leave NZ and at least return to a country where despite not being born there you are welcome.
But coming back to the original theme of being a rolling stone and not gathering any moss and feeling on the outside. This is something that happens when you move around. Which is what I have found. And it can take great effort to break through that exoskeletal layer that separates you from the people in the country to which you have moved.
Graham Green covered the topic of existentialism and not belonging in 'The Comedians'
Solutions:
join a sports club/tennis club/hiking club
maybe move to a different area - the more urban the less community - so maybe somewhere more rural
post an ad on this site to meet up with others in your area for coffee and chats
and last but not least, it is not you, it is just circumstance, so look at how to change it.
Last edited by rosequ; Apr 25th 2014 at 7:55 pm.
Apr 26th 2014, 8:20 pm
#21
Just Joined
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 24
Re: Back 2 years and feel out of sorts
Hi,
Mine is a familiar story but I was just wondering if anyone feels the same and if it gets any better.
My partner and I became permanent residents of Canada and left for Vancouver in 2006. We both got jobs, bought a house, made friends, had 2 kids but I couldn't settle with having 2 children, no family there and elderly parents back in the uk so after getting citizenship we returned in December 2011. My partner would have preferred to stay in Canada but agreed to return as he knew I was unsettled.
On returning to the UK he managed to get a job back at his old place of work so we moved to the nearest town so he would have a short commute and this is 20 minutes from my family and just over an hour from his. We've been in our new house about a year now. Our eldest is in primary school and I managed to get a job last June 3 days per week.
My problem is that I just cannot connect with people very easily now, I have playdates with the neighbours which is nice but I feel very disconnected from everyone, especially at work, I feel like an outsider. I don't think it helps that I've taken an admin job because I can't get an IT job part time, but I'm stuggling to get on with people there. At playgroups as well I feel ignored. I don't know if it's the town I've moved to as it seems a bit cliquey, everyone knows everyone else so it seems difficult to make close friendships. Also, we came back for family but my partners parents don't make much of an effort and we don't see my family as much as I would have liked. I do see old friends about once a month but it all seems a bit stilted. I should count myself lucky because things have gone to plan really but I've never felt so out of it which really isn't helping my self esteem.
Before we had kids we used to mountain bike and snowboard and when in Canada we had a group of friends into the same things who lived very close by, now we're back it's not as easy finding friends with the same interests which doesn't help, also having a family now we can't do those things as much any way.
My partner feels the same at work as well. I know I should count my lucky stars but I just wondered if anyone else felt disconnected from people when they returned and if over time it gets any better? It seems such hard work being in our 40's and feeling like your starting all over again.
I would love to hear your experiences.
Mine is a familiar story but I was just wondering if anyone feels the same and if it gets any better.
My partner and I became permanent residents of Canada and left for Vancouver in 2006. We both got jobs, bought a house, made friends, had 2 kids but I couldn't settle with having 2 children, no family there and elderly parents back in the uk so after getting citizenship we returned in December 2011. My partner would have preferred to stay in Canada but agreed to return as he knew I was unsettled.
On returning to the UK he managed to get a job back at his old place of work so we moved to the nearest town so he would have a short commute and this is 20 minutes from my family and just over an hour from his. We've been in our new house about a year now. Our eldest is in primary school and I managed to get a job last June 3 days per week.
My problem is that I just cannot connect with people very easily now, I have playdates with the neighbours which is nice but I feel very disconnected from everyone, especially at work, I feel like an outsider. I don't think it helps that I've taken an admin job because I can't get an IT job part time, but I'm stuggling to get on with people there. At playgroups as well I feel ignored. I don't know if it's the town I've moved to as it seems a bit cliquey, everyone knows everyone else so it seems difficult to make close friendships. Also, we came back for family but my partners parents don't make much of an effort and we don't see my family as much as I would have liked. I do see old friends about once a month but it all seems a bit stilted. I should count myself lucky because things have gone to plan really but I've never felt so out of it which really isn't helping my self esteem.
Before we had kids we used to mountain bike and snowboard and when in Canada we had a group of friends into the same things who lived very close by, now we're back it's not as easy finding friends with the same interests which doesn't help, also having a family now we can't do those things as much any way.
My partner feels the same at work as well. I know I should count my lucky stars but I just wondered if anyone else felt disconnected from people when they returned and if over time it gets any better? It seems such hard work being in our 40's and feeling like your starting all over again.
I would love to hear your experiences.
