4mth update
 

Not sure which bit this should be in so feel free to move it Mods. :)

Been back for about 4mths now so thought I’d fire in a bit of an update with how things are etc.

So, I arrived in mid Feb, followed Mrs T in mid March. Weather was cold but bright (ish) and all in all I reckon I’ve seen many more blue sky days that rubbish ones. But I am amazed at how quickly the temp can vary from one day to the next, although we seem to have settled into Spring/Summer ‘proper’ now. Lovely day today.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting the right role for the right money, even with 15yrs experience at a senior (ish) level and it hasn’t been but having said that, I’ve been pretty fussy. I was offered a role in Surrey and we’ve moved into a nice little market town which is very pretty.

Bought a car, but alas, not the A3 I was after as Mrs T has confessed she’s too scared to drive a manual again after not having done it since she lived in Korea (15yrs ago!), we had to go for a 2.0ltr auto Ford Focus Titanium, but we got a got a good deal (and no pesky rip off ‘transfer fee as per NSW:sneaky: ).

Riding in the UK has been great as I knew it would be, the car drivers are way more courteous than in Oz and the scenery is stunning (and sometimes wet!). I’ve found food prices to be very good compared to Oz and the quality is better (but we already knew that would be the case). Things like insurances are much cheaper as well. Utilities are much cheaper and broadband and phone packages are laughingly cheap (I get unlimited up and download and unlimited calls to landlines for GBP24 per mth). I have found one thing that is outrageously expensive here, and although the result is better than in Oz it’s still not worth the extra and that is dry cleaning.:blink:

I work in Guildford and have found the traffic pretty good when it comes to commuting and nowhere near the horror that the locals describe it as, but I guess it’s all relative. I get to work in about 15 mins over 4-5miles.

Unfortunately Mrs T has had trouble finding work but in a roundabout way it’s worked out for the best as unfortunately her Dad is not so well and due to move into a Veteran’s Village in Seoul, so she’s been over there for about 10 days and will be for another 3 weeks or so.

It’s been great being back and I’m looking forward to my two big triathlons in June and August at the Lake District and Nottingham and it’s great running in the Surrey countryside.

I was a member of a four man team at a running race in Gerrard's Cross that took out the prize for the fastest corporate team (my sister's company:D).

I have a good job (pay is about the same but living in a quieter area), and am enjoying my training and being home, so, apart from Mrs T not having work (and the fact that I had to move into our new flat on my own!) it looks like all is well right?


Well not really. I don’t know what it is, but something just doesn’t feel right about this whole gig. I don’t feel like I thought I would and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because Mrs T isn’t here or is having trouble getting a job, or if it’s because in Sydney her career was just about to take off after doing so well in her degree and now here, she may have to take a step down and I’m feeling guilty about that?

Something else I have underestimated is what a fine set of scales the ‘neutral country’ makes. I couldn’t stand Oz and nothing has changed there, but I am aware of how much we relied on each other and what a neat little ‘unit’ we were. To be fair that may still happen here as Mrs T hasn’t been in this flat with me at all so we haven’t lived as our little 'unit' in the UK yet.

But something isn’t right. Britain is all I would thought it would be and more, but there’s something missing. I’m not really connecting with the place, and while it’s a lovely place to be, it doesn’t feel like ‘my’ home. I’m not talking about immigrants or anything like that. I just can’t shake that feeling I get of ‘this’ll do for a while’.

Maybe I’ve just moved around too much for anywhere to be home now? I have no idea why I’m typing this, but it is how I feel. There is definitely something that Britain is not providing and at the same time there’s absolutely nothing I miss about Oz. But there was a ‘lightness’ to our life before, despite Mrs T being buried in study and me banged in hospital and always traveling for work or races that isn’t happening here. Maybe it’s because only one of us sorted? Maybe it's because my family is here? I’m not sure really.

Anyway, compared to what lots on here have to endure I’m sure I’m just being ‘weird’ (it happens a lot LOL).

Re: 4mth update
 

Hi....I actually think you are going through 'reverse culture shock' - if you google the term you will find lots of info online....here are some reports:

http://www.best-career-match.com/rev...ure-shock.html

http://britishexpats.com/articles/mo...culture-shock/

http://www.expatexpert.com/rr_coming...re-entry_shock

Hope you feel more settled soon....you will certainly enjoy being reunited with your wife shortly! :)

PS: Are you following or going to the Isle of Man TT races? My B-i-L goes over on his bike almost every year with his mates to watch them.

http://www.iomtt.com/TT-2010.aspx

Re: 4mth update
 

I don't think it's reverse culture shock (but could be). I've been here so many times over the years and for 3mths in one go in 06. This bit rings a bell though:

Confusion in role, values and self-identity - not knowing where you fit in anymore.

I'm in a new flat, new city, new car, new job and doing it on my own, so maybe that's it. But this feeling has been following me around for a few weeks now.

Maybe having the ability and willingness to live anywhere, ultimately means you don't end up 'belonging' anywhere either?

Don't know really.:confused:

Maybe I'm just drunk? :lol::rofl:

oops: re the IoM TT, no I haven't been following at all.

Re: 4mth update
 

Could be the Curse of the Expat (sounds like the curse of the Egyptian mummy). Even though you didn't like Oz it will have changed you.

I think part of being an expat is learning to live with a certain amount of ambivalence about wherever you are.

Anyway, I'm glad you've fallen on your feet. Hope things pick up with Mrs T - could be some guilt there for sure, but what's to do be done eh?

The other thing is...you've been looking forward and anticipating this move home to the UK for so long (I used to read your posts). Maybe there's a bit of anti-climax mixed in there too?

Re: 4mth update
 

I think it really does take a long time to settle back down and get comfortable with life, I'm sure having Mrs T so far away again leaves things a bit unsettled, you can't really settle down if half the family hasn't even moved herself into the flat really. Hard to get your life and routines going on your own.
I hope she gets back soon and you can both start to get more into the swing of family life.

Re: 4mth update
 

Sounds to me that you both lived incredibly busy lives in Oz and each had their own respective interests, goals and challenges. When you give up one life and make another, its a different life.

You're still busy, Mrs T isn't in the same way. You've found your feet. As yet, your wife hasn't. You've achieved all of the practical goals - she's had a few knock-backs.

It takes a strange toll all of this moving around that we do. Its a bit like chasing rainbows....

If I've learned one thing in this ex-pat life that I lead....its impossible to catch them...

Re: 4mth update
 

Right, and at some point you have to stop yourself and remind yourself through clenched teeth that the grass is not greener, the grass is not greener, the grass is not greener...

or maybe that's just me :)

Re: 4mth update
 

Agree, nowhere will ever be "all" again.

There will always be 'something' somewhere else. :unsure:

You sorta envy those people who lived their life in one town and are happy with it:lol: My partner has some family like that:eek: I find them scary in how 'hick' they are but they are totally happy with it!! Dont know what else there is and dont want to know.

Re: 4mth update
 

That is completely true. When you have your birth cert from one place, a passport from a different place, your high school report from another place, your Uni degree from another place and work experience somewhere else, you kind start to wonder... where exactly is home?

Re: 4mth update
 

I don't want to give the wrong impression. The grass is definitely greener in the UK and in just about every aspect I can think we're better off living here than Oz. But there's a voice in my head that says for us, as a collective, it isn't quite right.

When I started triathlon way back about 11years ago, a friend of mine got into it at the same time. He was truly a great athlete and made me look like I was going backwards :o All he ever wanted to do was qualify for Hawaii IronMan World Champs, which is a tough, tough ask. Took him 4yrs of hard work to finally qualify for that race and he did it. After that he walked away from the sport citing that it was too expensive to keep trying to qualify and train (approx 15-18k pa with qualifiers and accom etc), but the biggest reason he cited was that he'd reached where he wanted to go. He's never raced since.

I hope that's not what is happening here:confused:

Re: 4mth update
 

I think we are all touched by the curse of the expat from time to time - it is almost the anticlimax of facing the "is this it forever?" scenario when you have been used to being on the move and thinking of where you will be next. I am sure that when Mrs T gets back to you and you can start to be a unit and making your next adventure work together that things may begin to fall into place - well, I do hope so at least. And count your blessings - you arent still in Australia!!!! (It hasnt got any better since you left and with our local political scene it is getting worse by the minute!)

Re: 4mth update
 

OK, thanks for the input. I'm starting to nail it down to a few things but I reckon the problem is one of guilt. I know, even if Mrs T gets a good job here she won't be really happy, she won't be unhappy in the UK but not really happy either. I know she's only here (when she is here:lol:) for me.

Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night :thumbdown:) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).

The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.

I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic. :lol:

Re: 4mth update
 

Well, for all it is worth my solution was to leave the wife behind in Gambia where she is happy and for me to be in the UK. I came back really just to see my father off but managed top get a good job too. My intention was to move to Gambia when he'd died after burning all my bridges and really to retire.

Now it may be a bit longer but we are both happy with the situation and as the kids are being well educated there and they all come to UK for the summer and I go there for the winter. In fact the only one who is unhappy is my work who are nervous that this situation will cause me to leave.

And I am now noticing that I'm really enjoying life - I go XC biking a lot and I live in rural essex so it is literally on my doorstep, I read and go to the pub and socialise and so on. She now has no money worries and is happy managing our farm. My fear is that things between us will not work out but that is not based on anything and it should not stop you from considering her moving back to Korea to work and seeing each other regularly.

Re: 4mth update
 

Thanks mate:thumbup: Only problem is it wouldn't be Korea she'd go back to:unsure:

Re: 4mth update
 

....after some thought - makes no difference to the proposal. Nothing has happened.

Re: 4mth update
 

Give her time and she may come to love UK especially if you do your bit to make it appealing for her and if she can get her foot on the career ladder she may well see things differently. Obviously this is a really difficult time for both of you but she did say she would go with you and I didnt sense that she was dragging her heels at all. Of course it is going to be harder for her because she is going to something new without anything of her own and you have all of yours close at hand - in Australia it was you and her against the world and neither of you had the history or family in the vicinity.

Sometimes you have to go with the least worst option - which one of you is going to be the least unhappy where you are and maybe she will be stronger than you in that regard (dare I say that women tend to be LOL). I tend to think that you may be worrying unnecessarily - wait until she is back and on her career pathway and then see what happens. She sounds to be a really great lady and once her own family issues are sorted I would imagine that she would be more concerned about your mental health and your need to be where you feel you belong. At the end of the day, one of you is always going to be just that little bit more selfish than the other and one of you is always going to be better at dealing with it.

Re: 4mth update
 

Oh no, I have followed your story and am sorry to hear you are feeling like this!! Don't you think it is a bit early to determine whether Mrs T will dislike the UK? I know you guys only moved due to your dislike of Oz, but surely Mrs T did it because she loves you and wants to be with you no matter where that is in the world.

You are kind of living my nightmare, I am a kiwi living in London with my British husband (and daughter) and am desperate to go home to NZ....my biggest fear is my husband not settling or becoming unhappy. I am generally happy here but I get very low points when I just want to jump on a plane and go home to my family and familiarity.

Like you say you have been each other's support for so long, that means you will get through the bumpy settling in period in the UK.

I think you should stop feeling "guilty", I think you are missing Mrs T :wub: sounds like you are in a bit of limbo at the moment. Maybe when she returns you will start to both settle in a bit more.

Waffling now and not sure any of it makes sense but I hope you start to feel 100% soon.

Re: 4mth update
 

Hi Tri....sorry to hear how you feel...I don't really know what to say....I enjoy being home...it is different...but for us in a nicer way....we are living at my Dad's as we are still having huge difficulty finding a rental...we don't want to buy until we really know the areas etc....and not having our own place is not great but our boys are great they know that living like this will not be forever but for me it's hard.....with my husband working in Aus it makes it doubly so...BUT I do know it will not be forever...I/we do not miss anything in Aus....except having a home....we are enjoying having family near and driving seeing the countryside......the other day when I was at a low (just had a lecture off my Dad about using hairdryers) I had a flash back to how I could do anything I liked in Aus in my own home...but it would not of made me want to get on the plane back there....you will have moments when you remember being together but you should be thinking and planning of the times you will spend together when your wife is home....your move back might not of been a breeze because of what has happend...but give it time....that's all you can do and just see how it goes....try not to dwell on the now...as you say...your on your own....not nice at the best of times....enjoy your sport and meeting new friends of your own as well...more people to introduce to your wife when she returns....take care and all the best

Re: 4mth update
 

Thanks all. :)

It's hard to say what's going on really. Had a stinking migraine at work and ended up driving the porcelain bus:( Mum and Dad rang and tried to be helpful (and we all know where that leads! :lol:).

I guess it'll sort itself out.

Re: 4mth update
 

Hi Triboy, I've been reading this thread with much interest. I think that any move no matter where it is to is very unsettling. I don't do well with change, and know that I will feel I have made the wrong decision when I move home. But, hopefully that will not be a lasting feeling. It is only natural to feel a bit odd no matter where you are. Sorry for rambling, but I think that once your wife is with you and you both take time to get used to being in Britain I think that you will see things more clearly, and you will be much happier, and hopefully your wife will be too.:fingerscrossed:

I am really looking forward to hearing what you have to say in the next few months/year to see if anything has changed. Good luck to you and your wife. I am sending good vibes your way:wub:

Re: 4mth update
 

Hello Triboy,

There's a multitude of difficulties I think expats face when returning home, add to that a husband, wife or partner that hasn't lived in the UK and it can be even harder.

One of the reasons expats want to go home, is the thought that it will be better, be it family, friends, social culture, countryside, weather, etc. However, the reality is whereever you are, life has some struggle attached to it. Maybe it's this contradiction that you are feeling. The sense that your 'home', but it's not plain sailing.

As I get older, I'm beginning to think that looking back never really helps. You've made the decision and now you have to try and work with it. I think that at the moment though, you might just be lonely and that weird feeling of anonimity, that an expat can feel in their home country.

Also remember you have moved country. It'll take time to settle in and being away from loved ones is always hard no matter the situation.

I read your posts with great interest as I may find myself in a similar situation in a few months, with my wife and I moving to the UK. Me as a returning UK citizen and my wife as someone who has never lived there before.

BTW, I could be all wrong on the above it's just some of my thoughts and I hope that they aren't patronizing or insulting.

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Re: 4mth update
 

HI Triboy

I too have been following your story since I joined the forum.

As a kiwi who is desparate to move back to the UK, and dragging a scottish hubby and kids along with her this is something I to think about.

I too, know what you are feeling due to the selfish nature (at least it feels that way) of taking your OH to a country.
My OH loves NZ and would stay here if able. But he also loves his homeland as well.

But I love the UK. Nothing against my home country but it isn't for me in this time of my life.

I never imagined when I left NZ ten years ago to go to the UK that I would never want to leave it again. I thought that I would be so happy to come back to NZ.
It surprised me, when we did finally move to NZ almost 4 years ago how much I had changed and how much NZ isn't the place for me.



I think what I am trying to say (and sorry for rambling on this) that please allow Mrs T to make up her own mind.
Just enjoy being in the UK with her, and enjoy showing her the bits that she loves.

You might be right in that she does wnat to move back to Australia but then again you might not.
Show her the country that you love and why you love it and give her the opportunity to fall in love with it as well.



I think that the reason taht I feel so at home in Scotland is that I put down roots there. Had children across there and made good friends in a great village community there. I had a chance to settle and to explore and appreciate all that was on offer.

if I had been like many other kiwis young folk who get their two year work visa and had just done that then maybe it would be a different story.

Re: 4mth update
 

Sorry to hear you are a bit unsettled..... Give it a bit time, it seems that most things are in place to let you guys have a great life, try not to focus on these feelings and see how you go? I'm sure you will settle given a bit of time!
Good luck!

Re: 4mth update
 

I'd just like to say thank you for being so honest and so eloquent in describing how it all feels right now - it is a very interesting topic that I am sure most people on here will identify with - no matter which way they are travelling in the immigration trail, or which country they end up in. :thumbup:

My hearty best wishes to you both over the coming months - I think you'll figure something out soon. :)

Re: 4mth update
 

I have been living in OZ for almost 4 years this September. In 2006 we landed in Melbourne and I knew 2 weeks in it wasn't a place for me. We moved to Sydney and we spent two years there. I was quite successful with work, however my wife never really felt settled.

In 2009 we decided to move back to Melbourne to give it a try again since now I knew more about Australia, however that feeling came back by Christmas 2009 and I then knew Melbourne wasn't for me.

We have been having heated discussions lately since I know deep down she is not keen to move back to the UK. I have been ok with that and even suggested that I move there and she stay in Australia.

So now I have left the decision to her since she has always just wanted to be in Melbourne..

For me I love Oz however I now know its time for a new challenge...

Things change when your an expat and what you wanted for so long can sometimes not be all that they are cracked up to be.

Give it time and enjoy life, things will work themselves out the way they are meant to...

Re: 4mth update
 

Not that it helps much, but had a long discussion with a client of mine this week, she is originally from queensland and currently lives in london. She feels the same as a lot of us we love where we live but not sure it's where we belong. However having travelled loads as youngsters we feel displaced. We travel back to see freinds and family but don't feel we belong there but equally don't feel we belong where we call home.

I guess it is the curse of the expat, as a child we travelled a lot and i have nover felt settled in one place. I love where i live now surf most mornings and run along the beach but will a traveller ever feel they belong Not sure!!!!!

Good luck with it all and don't be too hard on yourself.

Jane

Re: 4mth update
 

Thanks all, I appreciate your thoughts and wishes. :thumbup:

Re: 4mth update
 

I think it is a mix of two things :
a) Things are going well for you, but for your mrs things could do with a slight improvement. You are aware of this and it is creating some kind of imbalance/guilt/vulnerability.
b) maybe also there is just a little bit of the curse of the expat, no place will feel like home.


edit - ok I should have read the rest of the thread first.


For what its worth, I moved over to Brisbane 6 years ago. Australia was a country that I had never even wanted to visit, but my wife (girlfriend back then) was returning home and I had a choice - give up the relationship, or take a chance, move over and give it a go. Fortunately I settled into life over here, and I still enjoy it very much. But there were times when I did miss my old life in London.

I guess that what I'm trying to say, is that your mrs will have moved over to the UK for similar reasons - she may have been happy in Sydney, and a little apprehensive about a move to the UK, but she would have been prepared to go for it, because the relationship is the important thing. She might settle in straight away, get lucky with jobs, or she might have a little bit more of a tough time. But still she will make a go of it because of the relationship. She probably won't have moved over here expecting to land on her feet, instead she would probably have expected a little bit of a tough time.

Given that you're doing well in your life, you really need to use that to your advantage, to support her, instead of feeling guilty about it.. though I don't know how you can go about doing this.

One other thing, harking back to my move again. My mrs had already lived in the uk for several years and we agreed that if I didn't settle in Aus, we would head back to the uk and live together. The move to Aus was a little daunting, but knowing that the relationship would survive, whether we stayed in Aus or not, was worth a lot to me and I think it made the move much easier. I did not feel any sense of pressure to try and enjoy my new life, or to try and fit in.

I think that if you have two people in a relationship, and both are generally pretty flexible about other's needs, then you've got no worries. Sounds like you and your mrs are both pretty flexible, so perhaps you are feeling guilty about nothing.

best of luck.

Re: 4mth update
 

4 months.....give it a year.