Originally Posted by dunroving

[Trying to keep this thread less combative ..... use PMs if you want to get into it with another member]

I think there are lots of decent, reasonably priced places to live in the UK - you just have more choice if you are mortgage-free, on a better salary, etc. (seems obvious to me, but it seems the point needs to be made).

Setting that issue aside for a second, £150k should buy a nice 3-BR house (maybe not a detached or semi in many places, but certainly in some) in lots of areas of the UK (there are two for sale just down the road from me). Having just got back from visiting friends in the Lake District, there are places even not so far from there that can be had. Malvern was mentioned previously, and it is a very decent place that I revisited recently (check out the "Let's Move To ...." articles on the Guardian Web site), with good transport links, a rural setting and fantastic walks and cycle trails, etc. South Wales has some lovely places for that price - and Scotland too.

If it's city living you're after, that is also possible. Birmingham is one place I have looked at, and there are places within the greater Birmingham area for that price. Birmingham has just about anything you would want from a city. So it's not London? So what, who needs London? It's over-hyped IMO.

Coming back to my original comment, in this price bracket you can't be as choosy (I know, because that is around about my price bracket, too). You have to work harder to find a place that has as much of what you want as possible, and be prepared to make a sacrifice or two - maybe you have to be a bit further off the beaten track, or can't have that garage or off-street parking, or have to be a bit closer to a more downbeat neighbourhood, or have to accept slightly worse weather.

I think Sally's "Back Home" story should inspire returnees that a good life in the UK is possible for most returnees. It's maybe easier for some than others, but it's possible.

The biggest disappointment for me returning in 2006 was the financial mire I ended up in - due to the perfect storm of house prices UK-US and of the USD-GBP exchange rate (plus one or two other "financial timing" issues). It really bugged me that I was having to start almost from scratch, housing-wise (from mortgage-free to a 75% mortgage), and I truly resented being in that situation after living a fiscally responsible life - I went through a real period of love-hate with the UK for a long time.

Blah, blah, blah, I'm droning on - my main point is that for most of us, the possibility of living in the kind of situation we want in the UK is possible, but we have to be willing to look hard for it. Sally didn't miraculously fall on her feet in paradise, please let's not rain on the parade by bickering - let's focus on how returnees can be happy not whether they can be happy.

Originally Posted by pippalonghorn

Well said.

Originally Posted by dunroving

Exactly - I'm learning that if I want my own particular piece of heaven, it involves compromise - so either a 3-BR in Northumberland, or a 1-BR in London, but not a 3-BR in London.

It's taken me a while but I'm starting to learn that if I can't change a situation I have to change my attitude towards it - any other way brings madness. I stamped my feet and threw my toys out of the pram for quite a while in frustration at my situation but I've found that whining about my situation (to myself mainly) didn't solve anything.

I still feel like I have a lot to whine about - the cause of the current financial situation did not involve me, and when the plates fell to the ground I ended up on the wrong side of the fence, unlike some - and the love-hate UK thing is still there at times, but things are what they are. The solution to finding some sort of happiness lies in compromise.

Originally Posted by dunroving

It's taken me a while but I'm starting to learn that if I can't change a situation I have to change my attitude towards it

Originally Posted by sallysimmons

Never a wiser word was spoken, I honestly believe this is why I am always fairly happy no matter where I am. Moaning gets you nowhere and just makes you unhappy and ill.

Originally Posted by Montfan72

Sometimes you have to stop fighting your situation and try and accept it. That's my plan for now.

Originally Posted by sallysimmons

Never a wiser word was spoken, I honestly believe this is why I am always fairly happy no matter where I am. Moaning gets you nowhere and just makes you unhappy and ill.

Originally Posted by Montfan72

I concur, such wise words Dunroving. Any they resound with maturity I might add. Sometimes you hand to stop fighting your situation and try and accept it. That's my plan for now.

Originally Posted by pixiewink

That's what I am doing, all thanks to the wise BE community.....behind the scenes I am planning my future back in the UK....

Originally Posted by TheEmperorIsNaked

I actually don't agree. We are a group of people who have not accepted our situation and gone to great lengths to change it. I have little doubt that my physical health has been adversely affected by the belief that I could not leave here, to say nothing of the emotional.



Again. Acceptance generally comes after change. There are so very many who are deeply and enduringly unhappy because they are in a situation that they cannot change. The consciousness might accept the principle, but the spirit can be damaged by the fact that it is trapped.



One step at a time and you'll get there! Good luck! (Just love that avatar!).

Originally Posted by dunroving

Actually, I don't see anything that disagrees with what people were saying. I don't think anyone said lie down and die, the point was if you can't change your situation, change the way you mentally deal with it. Raving and ranting (figuratively/mentally) against a situation you definitely can't change makes one miserable, in fact physically ill (this has been recognised since the early work of Selye).

As you say, many of us have changed our situations, often because we didn't accept our current situation - for me, I would not accept the idea of being unemployed in the 1980s so I worked on getting a job overseas. But sometimes our situation can't be changed, even if that is a temporary thing. In those situations, rather than "letting" the situation drive us mad, we take positive control of our emotions - that is where the "If I can't change the situation, let me change the way I respond to it" thing saves us going mental (it isn't just a conscious acceptance, as you phrased it, but an emotional acceptance) - merely consciously accepting it would be akin to giving up and I don't think that is what people were suggesting (I definitely wasn't).

It is not easy, but for those who can do it through practice and self-awareness, it is a way to avoid becoming angry, upset, bitter, twisted, sad, etc. - whatever negative mood set the situation was putting us in.

Originally Posted by sallysimmons

Of course I didn't mean to suggest that a person should never get angry. I just bashed my toe and the air was blue

I thought it was clear that we were talking about festering anger and bitterness which I do believe makes people ill and shortens life.

There was a time a few years ago when I believed I would never get back to the UK. I cried for a few days and I felt sad for a few weeks, and then I started to work through how I was going to cope. If I couldn't leave the US, I knew I had to change the way I felt about my life there. Fortunately, the situation changed and I was able to come home, but if it hadn't, there's no way I was going to spend the rest of my time on earth being miserable.

Life can suck. Just when we're happy, something horrible can happen. And often we're stuck as you said. All we can control is our emotional reaction to the things that happen.

Originally Posted by sallysimmons

Hi everyone. I've had a few emails asking me if everything is OK because I've been so quiet (unusual for me!) so I thought I'd post an update in case it's useful to anyone.

For those who don't know me, my husband and I moved back in April 2012 and I can honestly say things have worked out better than we ever thought they would.

To anyone who is moving back, I say rent for at least a year. Don't buy a house right away unless you're positive you know where you want to be. We're so glad we did that because we've ended up buying in an area we didn't even know existed. I'm from Yorkshire and lived here my whole life until leaving and I'd never been to this particular valley. We're just south of the Yorkshire Dales, which means we have all their scenery but none of their tourists. Very few people even know that our sleepy little village exists and the only traffic that comes through is local traffic.

I've taken to walking every morning and evening, and I never go for a walk without waving to at least one person as they drive by (often more). It's a lovely feeling to know the people who live near me.

Our house is in a converted farm complex - there is the farmhouse and then 4 barns. This means we have close neighbors and I worried about that at first, but it's been brilliant. Last week I looked after one neighbor's cats when he and his wife went away and they have now offered to do the same for us - a real relief.

This neighbor is also a builder and handyman who can literally turn his hand to anything, so he's helped us get the house just how we want it. Once I've saved my pennies, he'll be starting work on the garden (pond, rock garden ... I have all kinds of ideas but not yet the bank balance to see them all through!)

At first I found it a little difficult to rekindle my oldest friendship, but I kept at it and we are now getting back to the way we used to be. It's a good idea not to go into seeing old friends with tons of expectations. You will have to put in the work because they have built lives that don't include you.

Other friendships were easier to resume and we now find ourselves super-busy all the time with dinners, plays, concerts, pub nights out etc. etc. We see a lot of our families and that's been great too. Last week I drove up to the Lakes and took my mum out for lunch for her birthday. On the way up, I was counting my blessings - the scenery all the way is wonderful, it was a gorgeous sunny day, and I was getting to treat my mum on her birthday. Life doesn't get much better than that.

I feel as others have said - that I started living again the minute we got home. It is as though I had been asleep for a really long time - emotionally, physically, everything really. I now walk 4 or 5 miles every day in some of the most breathtaking countryside you can imagine and I'm slowly losing the weight I gained in America (despite having eaten my fair share of custard tarts and fish and chips!).

I have always been an amateur artist but I lost that while in America. Now I'm back and busy with lots of work. Another thing that has come back since we arrived home.

If anyone is interested in where I am, you can see my photos on Instagram at http://instagram.com/louisef3. I've been very lax with my blog because I'm so busy, but I do keep Instagram up.

All in all, the only thing I miss about America is my waste disposal unit. Can't get one here as we're on a septic tank. Other than that, I miss nothing. Sad to say after 20+ years, but totally true.

I am happier than I could ever say that we made this decision. Now I am going out for my morning walk - up to the moor to listen to the curlews and think about the coming day. Bliss!

If I can answer any questions, do let me know. I'm happy to help if I can.

Originally Posted by sallysimmons

Back2UK, I just read about your illness in the other thread and I want to send you all my best wishes for your upcoming surgery. You have a wonderful attitude and I do believe that's key to getting through something like this. I'll keep you in my thoughts.