hooperhome

Hi all

I know this gets discussed a lot on here, just thought I would air my views and get things off my chest.

I haven't had too many problems with the family, or rather I haven't had problems with my family except for 1 member, my sister. Right from the start she has not wanted to accept the fact that we could even be thinking of moving away from the family. Things have really changed between us for the worse, we used to be so close I am the eldest of 4, she is the baby and is 8 years younger than myself.

My other sister can't wait for me to go so that she can then make arrangements for herself and husband to follow our footsteps. My brother has tried the initial assessment over a year ago but alas failed on points.

I have arranged for my sister and her husband to come to us for dinner in a couple of weeks, she won't be drinking because she is halfway through her pregnancy. Probably just as well because something could end up being said that could be regretted.

Now this has been going on for a while now and I do feel that this could be the last supper, a make or break between us, as sad as I am to admit it. I bumped into her in town on Saturday in the middle of Boots and it felt awkward, like we were just being polite.

She also said to my eldest daughter, oh you'll be able to babysit soon. Huh! We won't be here!!!! But I said nothing.

What I don't understand is that we have lived abroad as children twice before in South Africa, in fact she was born in Cape Town and has dual nationality. It's not as though she has lived in one place all her life. Her feelings towards family loyalty are so different to the rest of us siblings. How does that happen, we all had the same upbringing?

My hubby has offered on a number of occasions to 'have a word' but I don't really want him to get involved. Although I think soon I won't have anything to lose anyway.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that when they come to dinner that things can be resolved to a certain extent. I know that she is hurting and I know she loves us dearly and will miss us terribly, the feeling is mutual but I find it hard to admit these things to her when she is being so stubborn and cold towards me.

Do I just grin and bear it and hope she comes round after I have gone, or could a heated discussion or row help to resolve things between us?

Concerned big sis
Theresa

Sleeping Beauty

Do I just grin and bear it and hope she comes round after I have gone, or could a heated discussion or row help to resolve things between us?

Concerned big sis
Theresa[/QUOTE]
hi theresa

i've read in another thread something along the same lines as this (i think it was from yourself). it's really bothering you, isn't it?

have you tried getting your other sister and brother to speak to her?

if the dinner doesn't work out, and there is an atmosphere, just try to let it go until you have gone over to aus. don't leave on an arguement or row. things escalate after that, and before you know it, you'll not have spoken for a few months, or even a few years. things get said, and it is no good for the stress levels

i am from a family of 4 as well. my older brother went over there first, and if i remember rightly, he got some stick for it (over 13 years ago).

but now, both my sister and myself are trying to get there, and our younger brother will hopefully try in a few years time, when his wife has done her midwifery (shes a nurse).

i know what it's like to have a sibling causing bad feeling, it's not nice.
she's probably really sad that you are going, and probably a little jealous too, but doesn't want you to know. she'll be angry at herself as well, for letting it get to her.

don't let it spoil your familys excitement about going over. your life is within your 4 walls and your immediate family. she has got her own family, and if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't be nasty to her.

she's probably also showing her age (even though i don't know her age!!!!), but i do know she's 8 years younger than you.

hope i don't sound patronising, but try to shrug off her ill-feeling about the move, and be positive and upbeat about it (even though you are hurting inside, and probably have bitterflies about the hassle )

she will come round when she wants to visit australia!!!!!!!

take care and hope the dinner goes okay, try not to let her get to you

michelle

hooperhome

hi theresa

i've read in another thread something along the same lines as this (i think it was from yourself). it's really bothering you, isn't it?

have you tried getting your other sister and brother to speak to her?

if the dinner doesn't work out, and there is an atmosphere, just try to let it go until you have gone over to aus. don't leave on an arguement or row. things escalate after that, and before you know it, you'll not have spoken for a few months, or even a few years. things get said, and it is no good for the stress levels

i am from a family of 4 as well. my older brother went over there first, and if i remember rightly, he got some stick for it (over 13 years ago).

but now, both my sister and myself are trying to get there, and our younger brother will hopefully try in a few years time, when his wife has done her midwifery (shes a nurse).

i know what it's like to have a sibling causing bad feeling, it's not nice.
she's probably really sad that you are going, and probably a little jealous too, but doesn't want you to know. she'll be angry at herself as well, for letting it get to her.

don't let it spoil your familys excitement about going over. your life is within your 4 walls and your immediate family. she has got her own family, and if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't be nasty to her.

she's probably also showing her age (even though i don't know her age!!!!), but i do know she's 8 years younger than you.

hope i don't sound patronising, but try to shrug off her ill-feeling about the move, and be positive and upbeat about it (even though you are hurting inside, and probably have bitterflies about the hassle )

she will come round when she wants to visit australia!!!!!!!

take care and hope the dinner goes okay, try not to let her get to you

michelle [/QUOTE]

Thanks Michelle

I do agree with you of course, and yes I have spoken on here about it! To be honest, I hope the dinner will make some amends.

The thing is I am a very up-front and honest person and I don't like not speaking about 'it'. My whole life at the moment revolves around 'it'.

And yes, she is only just starting a family, first one on the way. My priorities have changed a lot since having my children.

It's just that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be so pleased for her and proud of her, I would be telling all my friends, but yes as you said it could be her immaturity at dealing with it, not that she is an immature person but she is the baby of the family and obviously is not dealing with it very well.

Thankyou for replying
Theresa

PS - will send you some karma

Madhouse!

Hi Theresa,
Don't have the answer purely because family's can be the stangest of things at times!! I too am very close to my sister, our parents emigrated when we were just starting out with our own familys 15yrs ago, which brought us even closer together!!!
My sister took it ok that we had made the decision to move to Oz but as the time got closer and closer towards our departure date it was almost as if we were both trying to drive a wedge between us...with like visiting once a week rather than everyday like we use too, we stopped going out shopping together, even getting to the point where we were biting at eachother for just about everything and anything! We both admitted we were trying to make it easier on ourselves for when the time did eventually come.
Now we are here i speak to my sister and her kids pretty much everyday via msn messenger/Audio and webcam its just like we are still living around the corner!! Doe's your sister have internet access?
Anyway keep your chin up and i sincerely hope things work out ok in the end!!
sending you some Karma

Claire

sunnybeach

Hi there,
Actually, I also have this kind of problem if my application is granted. In my country, it's unsual for children to leave their parents behind. It seems to be very selfish if we leave our parents alone without being with them and look after them as they are getting older.
That is always in my mind and causes me very miserable.
Sorry to talk about this.

sel

I would put it down to the fact that the two of you are close and that she is pregnant. She is probably battling the fact that you wont be there to hand when baby arrives to offer that shoulder, I dont know if its her first, but I do remember the scary feelings of becoming a mother and knowing I had my nearest and dearest close by was very comforting.

Emotions can make a person act very out of character. I'm sure if you talked to her you could work it out.

Good luck

hooperhome

Actually that's a good point, to let her know that I will always be at the end of the phone or computer whenever she needs me for whatever reason, like things have always been (up till recently).

It is her first child, yes it is a scary time. And from what I can remember when I had my first I found my mother could never remember what she did with whom and when. Also they did things differently a generation ago.

I think I will wait till after the meal, keep things pleasant. After that I may put pen to paper and send her a card with some special words that she can read in her own home. Sometimes written can be better than spoken. The ball will then be in her court.

What do you think?

Concerned big sis
Theresa

sel

I think that is a very good idea and I'm sure you will both sort things out

Professional Princess

Theresa, your sister doesnt know how to deal with this and this is reflected in the way she is behaving.

Everyone has a chance in their life to make their mark, to make their home and to find happiness.

Some 'miss the boat' or don't grap that chance.

You have the chance to make a new life and you must take it.

Write her a letter, meet up with her on her own, no hubby, no kids just you two.

Tell her that her time to be happy will come to her and your time to be happy is now.

Tell her that her she will be welcome in your new life, can share in your new life and you love her, distance will not change that.

Remind her of your happiest times together as kids, bring the smile on her face by remembering the past.

And tell her that although your past as a family may be nice, it cannot offer a future. Only you can do that.

She will come round as long as you keep a friendly line of communication open to her.

Sam

hooperhome

Thanks for that, Sam

Theresa

Professional Princess

Just sent you some good luck karma

hooperhome

Thankyou Professional Princess
Theresa

hooperhome

Has anybody tried to sort things out with family before they went, or have you just left and hoped for the best ?

Curious, Theresa

Bix da Boss

Hi
As others have already said, this has been discussed on here so many times. Very briefly, my Mum was my main problem. Never, ever thought she would get over it - but I just had to bite the bullet and go and hope for the best. Thankfully, she has 'come round' and we are still very close even with a 12,000 mile gap between us Its bound to be hard at times - people sickness that is - only natrual if you have a close family - but thats what helps you make that decision in a way - the strength they give you to try something new. Sure it will work out fine in the end

Macquarie

Ours is a long story - but the bare bones of it is that my husband had a disagreement with his sister (at her instigation) over the sale of our house 5 months before we left. To resolve the dispute he wrote to her before we left offering an olive branch, as we lived in the same suburb he would wave as she passed in the car (he was ignored), he approached her husband to see if there was a chance of reconciliation but to this day we have had no response or contact. It is now over 2 years ago. We have sent (and will continue to do so) their children Christmas and Birthday cards and gifts - his mum has eventually told us that his sister refuses to give them to the kids. My daughter has received nothing from them - not so much as a card (this infuriates me as she should not be involving the children!!).

As you can imagine our main concern is if anything were to happen to his mum then we wonder if she will even bother to let us know - we just hope that she could not sink that low.

Anyway, our life is a happy one but wanted you to know that not all family come around - you just have to get on with your life and say its their loss not yours.

Good luck.
Julie