mjkworldwide

I am a troubled pom. I have issues. Things are on my mind and I need to take a seat on the comfy British-Expats psychiatrist's couch and receive some good advice.

My Australian girlfriend has been living with me in London for the last three years. She is the love of my life and we plan to get married. No problems there - but she wants to move back to Oz within a couple of years. This is non flexible - she's enjoys London but only sees herself settling in Oz. We both have a good life here in London. Close to friends and I see family once every couple of months. I have travelled and lived away from the UK before but the idea of 'permantely' relocating terrifies me. As the months tick by I have started to increasingly worry about coping in Oz. I certainly wouldn't consider moving abroad if it wasn’t to be with the girl of my dreams.

What concerns me most is;

Missing friends
Missing European culture
Feeling geographically isolated - not being in centre of the action
Terrible Oz media
Superficial 'lifestyle' - nothing to get my teeth stuck into

I dread the feeling of being trapped…being in a situation where I can't live with her but can't live without her.

Has anybody had experience of moving from the UK with an Aussie partner (poitive or negative)? Does moving with a native ease things along? Does being around their friends and family (who I get on well with) act as emotional support or does it just cause jealousy and increase the feeling of missing friends and family back home?

I know there are no easy answers but all advice gratefully received

Matt

margy

Hi Matt,

I don't have experience living with an Aussie partner but my advice would be to take a sabatical from work and try it.

It will be an experience and who knows you may fall in love with Australia as well as the Australian girlfriend.

Good luck.

M

Mrs Kiwi

Hi Matt

I'm not in Australia yet but do have some experience in a similar situation to yours.

Met my Kiwi husband when travelling 10 years ago and he paid for me to go back to NZ to be with him. However I was so obsessed with the fact that I was leaving the UK "forever" and put so much pressure on myself mentally wondering "could I / couldn't I " do it, could I make it work in NZ etc.. that I didn't enjoy my time in NZ and ended up hot footing it back to the UK after a year.

Luckily my Kiwi man followed me to England but we had to get married for him to work in the UK and again I put so much pressure on myself mentally to make him happy in the UK and make the marriage work that I ballsed up the first year or so of my marriage worrying, basically.

10 years on and I've learnt NOT TO THINK so much and basically NEVER TO SAY FOREVER and guess what, we're off to give Australia a try in January.

My lovely hubbie slowly convinced me to take one day at a time and not to worry about FOREVER all the time - our marriage flourished and I was brave enough to suggest we try Oz as I have always loved Oz and New Zealand and it only didn't work for me in NZ because of MY STATE OF MIND, not the country itself.

I was too busy trying to make the future perfect and lost track of how to be happy in the present, if that makes sense.

Sorry for my rambling reply but I really think I know how you feel - the most important advice I can give is to stop saying you have to go FOREVER. Thats just too much pressure.

Simply tell your girlfriend that you love her and you can't wait to try Oz with her and you'll do your best to make it work there. You CAN'T promise to stay there forever, only to try your best to make a life there.

Thats it - and also, if it makes you feel better leave something in the UK to come back to just in case - a property, or some money, or a job (eg take a sabbatical if poss rather than leave altogether) - we've rented out our property here in the UK rather than sell it.

Good luck - I think the strains of having a relationship with someone from another country are under estimated, but it can really work. X

The O'Neills

Hi Matt and Welcome to BE,

Yes, all of the above will affect you. That's what homesickness and culture shock are , but we only get one shot at life, and how you gonna feel if your girlfriend goes home without you and you never gave it a shot?

Try it on, Oz might fit perfectly, and the place is not as shallow as some peeps would have you believe!

Good Luck

Nic

kiwinow

I agree with the above. But I just want to add that you are focusing on what you will miss about UK, and that won't change because Australia is somewhat isolated and you can't trip off to Europe or drop in on family etc. Instead I think you should focus on what is different that you wouldn't get to do in the UK and then allow yourself to enjoy it. Maybe you could learn to dive, surf or sail or something that would help you get immersed into the culture.

It may not be forever. The girlfriend might even realise that she misses her life in the UK after a while, but I think you have to try it. Some people put a time limit on giving it a go, but that sometimes means you don't settle because you have this date in mind at which you can opt out. Better to stay communicating.

quoll

Yup, the Pommie half of an Aus/Pom relationship here.

All of the above are going to be issues for you. Add to that the resentment that you will feel because she will have her lot here and you will be isolated - well, you will have the inlaws but none of your own around. Even if you arent that close to your family when all you have is "her" family it can begin to bug you. Even if they are the nicest folk on the planet they are not your folk and I reckon you have a better chance if you dont actually live anywhere near them - we are 10 hours drive away and that is just about far enough. So try and negotiate living in a different state - that gives you the chance to have your little family being independent and not enmeshed with the outlaws! (I reckon an 8 hour drive minimum should do it!!!)

If you can put a time frame on it then it is much easier to handle. It is that "this is it forever" feeling that makes it crippling. That is the stage I am at at the moment - been here nearly 30 years and for the first 20 I actually quite liked the place, we had the kids etc but now I am so bored with it and what I thought our lives would look like when we retired just isnt happening - the Aussie DH will NOT move back home even though he knows it tears my guts out. I go home every year (sometimes twice a year) for my sanity (he has to work to fund my extravagances!!) and our eldest son has emigrated back again for a buzzing lifestyle, trips overseas, excellent job prospects etc etc not to mention a Pommie girlfriend.

I dont know what is the way out of your dilemma - for me I rationalize that being here with him is less painful than being there without him and it is the people in my life that I value most. One of us has had to make the biggest sacrifice and it is me - are you prepared to be the one who sacrifices the most in your relationship?

It basically all comes down to compromise - what is she prepared to compromise to make your life bearable? Mine is that the DH actually wants to go out and be self sufficient in the bush in the a*se end of nowhere but I refuse to compromise on the flush loo and broadband so we are still here in the suburbs where I can get a latte whenever I fancy one

I think we underestimate the issues of mixed marriages when we are both white English speaking but it is just as tricky as if you were settling down with someone of any other culture - good luck with your decision and keep your fingers crossed that once she gets back here she realises it for the boring wasteland it actually is and cannot wait to get back to UK - unfortunately girls and their mothers .........

LiseM

Wow. 'Boring wasteland it actually is' ?
Bit harsh, considering you've lived there for nearly 30 yrs!!

Centurion

You should really be making a list of the positive sides to all of this as well or is your glass half empty ?

As you point out Australia is not Europe. Thank god.

IMO get over it, deal with it and move on. Your moving to a new country with the woman of your dreams. Embrace it for everything its worth and rather than dwelling on the things you miss, what will you be looking forward to ?

Centurion

As opposed to the open sewer which is the UK ? Horses for courses. Most of us love this country.

bu1lder

Dump her.

Petals

I agree live here for a while. Most Australians want to return to Australia at some time especially to have children and women in particular like to be near family. I think it will be easier for you to fit in than a woman married to an Aussi male as she has to contend with the Aussi Mum and all that goes with it.

Australia is not a wasteland and it depends where you live how happy you are and as you age you want different things so whilst you are young you may want to be in the thick of things and that is normal we did all that but as we got older, settled down had children our life changed and continues to change and we now lead a more peaceful quiet life and are pleased about that.

Only you know what you really want and I guess you have to tell your girl friend of your concerns and talk about it.

Good luck live one day at a time.

Notts_bloke

Open sewer? How OTT.

Notts_bloke

I think give it a try. Commit to say a year living in Oz as an experience and see what happens. You will soon know if it is for you.

Not sure how old you are, but unless you have kids I would advise against moving anywhere apart from Sydney or Melbourne. Especially after living in London, you might find it too laid back.

You will miss things, that is normal. If you are like culture you will obvioulsy miss the proximity of Europe which enables trips to historic cities etc, but Oz has different things to see and do.

Geelong Gent

No date her younger sister for another 3 years



Seriously what part of Oz is she wanting too return to?

Do not discount that she may find Oz different from when she left and that in her time in the UK a return downunder may change her perspectives.

If she mentions Melbourne you will have a win win situation

quoll

LOL, Yup, I am a slow learner, it has taken me that long to realize it!