Pollyana

Keep going in the right direction and eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I know you've been effectively a kept man for several years, but before that presumably you controlled your own money etc so draw on all that you remember from back then. And as you've seen, you have a support network on here, thats one thing which keeps this place going, despite all the arguments BE has rescued me more times than I care to think!

One last comment, re the alcoholism, speaking as a former partner of two alcoholics, one of whom killed himself largely because he could not overcome it - the biggest and hardest step is admitting that you want to deal with it. Sounds like you are tackling that, and with the resultant improvement in health you should be able to keep on top of it. It won't be easy, but keep your goals in mind, and your supporters on hand, and that should help.

scot47

Do not have a drink today
Reach out to others
Get a job

BEVS

He's on the sound road right now.

Rayujay

I don't mean to judge, but honestly, there's no way I could survive having a househusband and being the breadwinner. I give your soon to be ex-wife all the accolades. Her leaving is a wake-up call for you. Keep your head high, keep grinding and pushing through; you'll definitely make it.

Pollyana

There are a fair amount of households now where the Dad stays home with the kids and the wife is the breadwinner..Makes sense if the mum can earn a higher wage

spouse of scouse

Definitely

moneypenny20

Personally if I had a good job with great wages and my husband was more than happy to stay at home and bring up the kids so I didn't have to dump them in childcare for hours every day, I would be a complete moron for not letting it happen. It's a shame there appears to be some sort of stigma attached to a dad looking after his children.

Dorothy

Yes, you do mean to judge. Why shouldn't children be raised by their father? Is child rearing exclusively women's work?

I don't mean to judge but you sound very unenlightened.

christmasoompa

+1. It's 2019, not 1950.

Beoz

Well that counts us out.

Mrs Beoz has just had a whopping great pay rise and for the first time ever, is now earning more than me on base salary. At the end of the year I will earn more after bonuses, profit sharing, and share dividends, but I am over the moon that the wife can be the bread winner. Should it continue I might step it back to 4 days a week and have a day being a dad.

Rayujay

Hello Dorothy!!! I never mentioned anything about the raising of kids nor insinuated children can't be raised by their fathers. People have different temperament and knowing how to work around yours is not a bad idea. My reply to the thread was personalized statement. I work and earn far much than my spouse (and yes! I pay most of the bills), we both have same qualifications and he's out there building his career (there's something for both of us to fall back on should things go wrong; though, no one plans for that). It's not my thing being a sit at home mom and I'd be long separated from my spouse if he was a stay at home dad. I acknowledge and respect everyone,whether employed or stay at home parents. I don't see how my standpoint equates to being unenlightened, I'm just being me!!!

Kim67

Hi LD. My advice to you would be to get hold of Relationships Australia and book an appointment. Your wife and yourself can attempt mediation - you have to have a certificate to confirm you've had mediation or that your case was deemed unsuitable before you can proceed to the Family Court anyway. The sessions will be free if you're unemployed and of minimal cost to your wife probably. They will help with setting up a Parenting Plan and also try to get you to come to an agreement regarding financial settlement. These can then be turned into Consent Orders in the Family Court, they are non legally binding but should one of the parties breach the orders, it will be noted if you have to go down the Family Court road. The Family Court looks favourably on parents working out the parenting matters quickly and amicably. The latest thoughts on shared care of the children are that it should be 50/50 and than children should stay in the family home, with parents moving in and out according to their care of the children.

As far as financial settlement usually goes, if each couple came into the marriage with pretty much equal monetary input, then the overall property pool, including superannuation should be divided 50/50. The working partner and the stay at home partner are deemed to have equal contribution to the family unit. If it goes to trial in the Family Court, the Judge will sometimes give one party a greater percentage for future needs or other factors such as DV. If you do have to go to trial, try to find a good "not for profit" law firm who will take on your case on a deferred fee basis. This means that you'll usually get charged at a higher rate, but you won't pay invoicing until your matter is finalised. Be mindful also that if one party decides to really be a thorn in the side of the other party and the judicial system, the offending party can be hit with Costs Orders (having to pay the legal fees of the other party as well as their own).

Having been through the Family Court system for more than four years and legal fees in the six figures, I would advise you to try to work things out with your wife out of court. Good luck, it's a tough time, but you will get through it. The quicker you work out living arrangements and sort out finances, the better it will be for the kids as they won't be dragged through adult matters that shouldn't concern them.

ianandhelena

You just know that when somebody writes "I don't mean to xxxx, but..." , xxxx is coming along.

Lucas_Dad

First thank you once again for all the messages of support, encouragement and sympathy. Thanks also for all those nuggets "he won't like it, but needs to hear it" too. That's good too, and appreciated.

I've now got legal representation (legal aid) and I've had mostly good news. I cannot be forced from the house. Its sale can only be forced if the wife simply stops paying the mortgage. If she did that she'd be shafting herself as well as me - both our credit ratings would plummet, the house would sell for MUCH less than it is worth, so we'd both suffer. I'm entitled to spousal maintenance. Her paying the mortgage *at least* is a start. I may be entitled to more, but as she has the boys, I'm not pushing it. The wife has virtually cleaned out the join money account, plus the surplus we had paid on the mortgage - I'm at least $6,000 out of pocket, but such things will simply be added to any future financial settlement (like a share of her superannuation, on top of cash & bills owed). I'm having to cover my own health insurance - she cut me off without warning. Her view is "I'm not responsible for you". My lawyer has advised however that legislations says "the spouse is entitled to remain in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed". This may include health cover, so the extra $150 to HCF I have to find will also be taken into consideration.

That's the positive update. Next comes the defence of "me".

To those who think I had a cushy life, and my wife is to be applauded (Teza, etc) for putting up with me for so long ... that's fine, your opinion, you're entitled to it, and I have no problem with that. It affects my days not one bit. But, for what it's worth....

My wife was indeed bread winner whilst, by mutual agreement, I was full time dad. Our house is in joint names - all my UK savings went into it. With no personal income I have worked extremely hard on the house in other areas. I took the builder's stock house design and modified it hugely, in addition to making computer 3D models to perfect it. I also designed the garden, laid approx. 40-50m of crushed granite pathways, prepped and laid 330m2 of lawn, designed and laid 53m2 of patio, installed every inch of pipes, wiring and controller of a 150m of irrigation system. I designed and made: both kid's king single beds, bedside tables, bookcases, study nook, TV unit, amongst other things. I've undertaken fixes (actually pretty high quality) on things that would otherwise have cost us hundreds in tradies. I've saved us tens of $thousands, just on the house.

Was I a kept man? Not a bit. For the first time in a long time I have the confidence to say: I am an *excellent* dad, and am(was) an *excellent* househusband. I was active from 7.30am (at the latest) to 7.30pm (earliest), 7 days per week, 365 days per year. No holidays, no breaks. Sometimes I'd get to sleep in on a Sunday, but that's hard with two boisterous boys... I prepped and cook(ed) healthy meals each weeknight (wife cooked weekends), made the packed lunches (both for school-age son & wife), clean(ed) the house, do(did) most of the laundry, and maintained the garden. I took the boys to Library groups, gym, swimming, playgrounds, etc. pretty much daily. I'm a qualified swim teacher so would augment both boys' formal swim lessons with lessons by me, usually on Sundays, usually while the wife stayed home to nap, rest, work, rehearse, whatever.

Being the only dad at the mummy groups can be *extremely* lonely and isolating - a few mums are confident and secure enough to strike up a conversation with the lone dad, but most stay in their cliques talking about mummy things. My days were not spent in front of trashy or kid TV. With both boys I'd draw, paint, count, read, play, make, build, run, cuddle, giggle. My 7yo's numeracy & literacy is 18-24 months ahead. My 3yo is similarly advanced. Yes, I damn well do take a large chunk of credit for that! While my teacher wife had before/after school meetings, before/after school rehearsals, evening and weekend rehearsals and performances for school and other amateur groups, guess who was caring for the boys.

The kids' brains are just a small part. Both love the outdoors, playing sport, riding bikes. They are empathetic and caring (sadly just not with each other, sometimes...!). Both love playing music (wife and I are musicians) - I teach the 7yo trombone and he's just performed at his first Eisteddfod. (Wife accompanied him on piano. Did she let me ride in the car to support him? Nope. I had to bike ride 20k in the cold). I'm a helper & coach at 7yo's Auskick club. While my wife was prioritising work and everything else above me, I got extremely lonely, my depression got worse and worse, deaths I had not dealt with properly were getting on top of me (an uncle, aunt, close friend and mentor, plus two others' funerals I could not get back to the UK for within the first couple of years of moving over), and as a result I looked for friendship and cheer at the neck of a bottle. I made some poor choices. I am now making better choices. I have not had a drop of alcohol in over 7 weeks.

I've worked hard on me and my psyche recently, and yes, I reckon I'm a pretty damn good dad.

Bottom line, think what you like. Opine as you will. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but keyboard warriors will never hurt me.

Cheers xx

Beoz

Nuff said right there. With kids, someone always earns more bread, someone always makes more bread.