not2old

+1

As we all know taking the leap of faith being an immigrant is not everyones calling. You either do it or forget it, especially after 10 years of whinging about it, or should it be 'tell me - should I go, or should I stay'

lets see what excuses the OP comes up with next

garyp

A few unhelpful comments to the question. He is not alone in feeling like this and it seems the fear is losing the visa and not going, which I can relate to.
He is simply asking for advice and opinions and not criticism and judgements.

bcworld

Opinions are all he's getting.

GarryP

Unlike many here, I can see the other side of the story. If its a partnership, then the wife should also be willing to compromise - its not all on the op.

My suggestion is to treat it as a 'try it out, see how it works' activity. You and the family put your life in the UK on hold for a short while, and come out to Australia for the UK winter, renting a place, etc. You and your wife try to find work (which maybe more of a determinate than you think), and at the end of 6 weeks - 2 months, you take stock and make a decision.

From their perspective it can be viewed as an extended holiday, from yours, its testing your dream against the reality.

In theory your positions should be closer together after that time - but no guarantees that the gap will be closed entirely.

If your wife point blank won't agree to such an idea - then you have to decide which is more important.

verystormy

I am writing this from Perth and I think you have a slightly unrealistic view of what life is like here.

First of all the weather. I live opposite a beach and walk the dog on it most days. It has been empty for months. Why? Because we have had storms, crap weather - the wife got soaked in the rain yesterday and cold - we are forecast single figures tonight.

Then when it is good, and it will hopefully improve next week as we are half way through spring, a chunk of the summer is worse - just too hot. Low 30's are fine. But when it is hovering around the 40 mark it's horrid and all people want to do is head in doors and sit under a air conditioner. There is a good reason why the beach here in January is empty from late morning. That and the wind.

Then you need to really think about lifestyle. How often do you think you will be out in all that nice weather enjoying it? We work some of the longest hours in the world. Yes work. You will be spending most of it at work. Then we still have all the normal bits of life to do - clean the loo, go shopping and everything you do now.

Ultimately you have to decide if you prefer your wife and child over what it a bit of a mythical life you think you will have here.

jackieh23

I thought about suggesting this, but the problem as I see it is - the mindset. If the wife comes with the idea of an extended holiday - only here for 6 weeks etc etc then there will be no "need" to make friends, to see what is on offer outside the normal tourist type requirements. I am sure we all know that staying somewhere on holiday is a lot different to living there!

It is also not always possible to take off for 6 - 8 weeks without actually having to give up employment.

I certainly can see both sides - a partnership is give and take. Heck I've been married for 30+ years and there has certainly been a lot of give and a sh*t load more take BUT we are only getting HIS side of the story, not hers.

My father literally bullied my mother into emigrating to Aus. They are still both here after 40+ years but does he think he did the right thing? Some days yes, some days no. Would he have come by himself and left her and us behind? Or the reverse, return? Not in a million years.

I stand by my original comment.

GarryP

Yeah, but I think both sides would be closer in their viewpoints. He would be more realistic about what Perth is, and how the employment runs, and she would be more accepting of the plus points. Easier to come to some mutual agreement if there isn't a vast chasm in viewpoints.

We seem to have moved from a 1950s standpoint, where the husband says "I've decided, we're going to Australia", to a standpoint where somehow the wife is suppose to have a veto. That's not in the middle!

Maybe I'm biased, but I can see the empirical ways in which Australia has a better chance at the future than the UK, and where having an Australian AND UK passport maximises your future opportunities. Thus I can see the ops viewpoint needing more than a 'I don't wanna' as a valid answer.

jackieh23

It was late 60's actually and he had good reason to get her here. If she really didn't want to come, let's be honest. she wouldn't have but she loved/loves him and they are a team. She did it "for the family". And she cried - a lot - for the first 2 years that I can remember... There were no trips home or long phone calls in those days. Too expensive. No rellies visited - too far, too hot, too self absorbed - still are!

"I don't wanna" can cover up a multitude of reasons that the wife cannot articulate. Or she may just be very happy and not want to move. And that's fine. She can dig her heels in as much as he can. He really wants to go - she really wants to stay. If isn't enough - he should move on.

The "has no say" 12 year old is the one caught in the middle.

macy

Your seriously considering leaving your wife and 12 year old daughter and moving over to the other side of the world if they don't want to come..... wow....wow.... lost for words..... if you can't see how selfish that sounds then ..... well lost for words....your whole statement of why you want to move is me me me......... thinking about it, maybe ask your family if they minds if you go, they might not miss you too much anyway.....problem solved...

pippalonghorn

have you ever lived in Australia? I'm asking that question because when I lived in the UK, the thought of living in New Zealand ticked all the boxes. The gorgeous beaches, fab walks, sports, sailing etc. the reality has not been the same hence why we are returning to the Uk after Xmas.

I know that everybody's experiences are different, some work out and others don't. NZ is different to OZ in many ways. What I'm trying to say is that it may be impossible to make a good decision based on what you think life may be like if you emigrated.

Could you all go over for a specific amount of time to test it out? Is that an option financially? I was determined to love NZ and thought we would never go back to the UK. If someone had told me what the future held for us I wouldn't have believed them. If you and your family are a strong team then I would not want to split that team up. I have a daughter also and so I am aware of the impact that the whole situation has had on her. She is a little tough cookie though and is excited to go home. I am excited too. Never thought I would feel like this.

Bermudashorts

I have seen plenty on here take the children away from the other parent to Australia (usually the mother doing this) and I have seen others leave their children from previous relationships behind as well. So the OP would be in good company on BE if he did something similar. And I don't think he is more deserving of criticism than any of the countless others in the same situation.

To the original question about the third option, I think there is only one and that is for OP and his wife to give it a trial run for an agreed length of time. There would have to be very strong trust there though, because wife surely knows that if OP reneges on the deal and doesn't want to move back, she might be stuck if the child also wants to stay (by that time presumably old enough or nearly old enough to make her own choices). So the trial is not a great option, but it would be the best compromise option.

If wife won't consider it then it is back to 1 & 2. I know which I would choose, I would not leave Mr BS for a country and if I had a child I most certainly would not leave it. But as I say, we don't criticise other people for their choices around the children so why criticise the OP. It is impossible to know how strong this marriage is, but I wonder would it survive this anyway, in which case maybe OP should go whilst he has the chance.

haggis supper

I don't know the OP or how he's reached this point so I'll make a few assumptions.

If he's gone through the whole application process and set his heart on a move to Australia then I can perfectly understand his torment and his confusion. For those of us who moved here and are happy here, how would you have felt if the 'dream' looked like falling apart ? Would you not be devastated? (I'm assuming that the family were once supportive and happy to go.)

If he's put time, money, energy and effort into the move it must be extremely difficult to contemplate not going through with it. I assume the motivation to move came from unhappiness with all things in the UK and the perceived perfect life in the sun. Giving that up and facing the rest of his life in the UK would be hard to take.

Who knows what his relationship is like with his wife or daughter. Perhaps one of the reasons to move is an unhappy life at home as well and the belief that a change of country will improve things ?

For what it's worth, I came here 8 years ago with my wife and our kids aged 5 and 3. About 4 years ago she became very homesick whilst the kids and I love it here. I simply couldn't contemplate a return to the UK, long commutes and dark, cold winters. I ignored my wife's anguish, assuming she'd get over it. Sadly she didn't and it's led us to separate. She felt that I put Australia and my own feelings above hers. Maybe I should have put my marriage first ? Perhaps my wife should have put our marriage first ? In our case I think whatever we did would have resulted in an unhappy party.

She is so desperate to get home though that she is likely to stay here until the kids reach 18 and then she'll go home on her own.

Simple question I guess (though not easy to answer) - does Australia mean more to you than your family? Ignore anyone who gives a judgement without knowing you - only you can decide. Can you live in Australia without your wife and daughter ? If you do go do you realise that both of them may resent you forever?

And as someone else has pointed out - life is not perfect here. IMHO you need friends and family. Being alone here can be very very hard. This is not England with sun, it has the same challenges and frustrations as the UK as well as some new ones ! Personally I prefer it here but by god it drives me mad from time to time. Personally I would not have come on my own.

I'd also say that unless your family are fully supportive you may find it hard to settle. That's likely to lead to some very unhappy times and possibly a sad and expensive return home.

I wish you luck and hope that folks here offer guidance and help rather than judgement. You are right to seek advice and consider this carefully.

Cheers
Haggis

quoll

I think the third option suggested by many that she should give it a go for a trial period is fraught and is the last thing I'd be suggesting to someone who is undecided in the first place. Australia won't let kids leave with a parent if the other parent says no and if one parent has had a taste of life in the sweetie shop and says they (and the kids) are staying then the other parent has no choice. Unfortunately goal posts do change and there is a high risk that the one wanting to leave would become trapped. Perhaps a compromise could be that he gets to take his holidays in Aus and that she ensures there are finances for him to do that.

ozzieeagle

Yehp this was my first thought as well..... The problem in essence isn't location, it's actually lack of money to buy the freedom he wants where and when he wants, which can be solved by financial freedom.

So there is a 4th option.... Find 20 million quid

BTW, reading some of the above posts.... Do not understimate the wearying effect of days and days above 33C.

Kapri

I don't think asking the wife to give it a trial period is a viable option, for the reasons Quoll said plus the cost, particularly if she then wants to return.

OP - I can empathise because I wanted to come to Aus for years and my husband did not. I would never have come without him though and if you can contemplate leaving your wife and daughter then I would suggest that your marriage may not be strong enough to survive emigration. It's a roller coaster!

In the end my husband got totally on board with the move. I did a lot of research and talked him round. Now, he loves it here. This may be your best bet.

What are your wife's reasons for wanting to stay in the UK. If it's because of close family relationships, I think this will be your biggest hurdle.