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When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Old Apr 7th 2010, 4:14 pm
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Default When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Hi,

I am married to a lovely man. We have a lovely 5 year old, and a lovely life, in a lovely suburb and our lives are lovely......... but I have always wanted to try living in Australia and my husband does not. I find that each winter that passes here since I have had my child gets longer and duller and I have come to dread them. I know that a lot of the dread stems from the feeling that we enter some type of hibernation in the winter months. The winter sunny days are ok, but I don't like the endless grey ones.
When the spring comes around I feel truly alive again. I love the smell of the warm air and seeing the plants get some colour and leaves back on them again. Everything is more pleasurable, being out in the air again, seeing friends with smiles on their faces and the feeling of happiness that everyone seems to radiate because the summer is coming!!
I have visited Australia several times, and we all spent 6 weeks there on a great holiday which my husband enjoyed but could not see himself living there. I guess I was really hoping that he would say he loved it and lets go! He is in a highly skilled profession on the wanted list and there seems to be no shortage of positions for him, so on the job front he would probably be able to get a visa. I on the other hand am skilled in the arts and music and am able to earn well with what I do.... but sadly the things that I do are not on the wanted list.
My parents have said if they were younger that they would up sticks and go abroad as they find the long winters and greyness difficult now they are older. They are great travellers and would love coming to visit if we lived there too.

I feel so at home in Australia. I love being outdoors and walking, hearing birds and nature and just being around animals and seeing people enjoying themselves. I love the warmth on my face, the aussie banter, the sense of can do as opposed to 'can't do'... I know it is different when you live somewhere and believe me when I say 'I do not look at it through rose coloured glasses'. I have seen and experienced the shitty bits too! and I know Utopia doesn't exist...
But I would love for us all to have a more outdoorsy life and feel that so much is possible in Australia and my son would have such a nice upbringing there.

There are so many things that I love about the U.K. and I would miss it a lot, but I would much rather base ourselves in Australia and visit the U.K. not live here.
I have thought about re-training into a profession where I could get a visa, but it would mean splitting up my marriage and moving my son half way around the world from his father, who is a brilliant father! My husband just refuses to discuss it seriously and hopes that every winter I won't mention it and the feelings have gone away.... they never do.

Has anyone else gone or is anyone else going through a similar thing? Should I just shut up and stop being 'a whinging pom' and get on with a nice life or should I follow my heart and my dreams in spite of other people's heartache?

It's like a big elephant in the corner of the room..
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 4:26 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

You feel similar to me about the UK winters. I dread them coming, and in spring, I am much happier, and seem to enjoy life so much more, just because it's warmer, lighter, and you can just go outside and enjoy the place.

You're also in a similar position to me. I have a visa and want to go and live in Australia. My girlfriend, doesn't have a visa, and wouldn't move to Australia.

The obvious solution for me was to call it quits with her, and move on my own. Well, that's what will be happening in the next 6 months if she doesn't change her mind. Although, it's much harder with you, having a child.

Maybe you can persuade your other half to give it a go, and if he doesn't like it, then you say you can move back to the UK?? You never know, he may agree to it. My Aunt and Uncle were in a similar position to you before they moved in 2003. My Uncle would ask my Aunt every year if they could emigrate to Oz, and my Aunt would say 'no'. On the 4th year, she turned round and said 'yes'!!

Maybe it's worth a shot.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 5:22 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

That's great that you have your visa, but sad if you and your partner split up.

I do love the U.K. and ironically I love the passing of the seasons and autumn, but I just find as I am getting older I really dislike being indoors for so many months until spring again. I do go out in the winter walking and enjoying life etc.. but it is so depressing when you are sat in a park with greyness all around you and a 5 year old wanting to go down a soaking wet cold slide. Just an example of a small slice of our winter weekends.
The rest of the time we visit friends indoors.. or go to restaurants indoors.. or just stay indoors.
I think maybe that because of my interest in art and music that I am just a bit more sensitive to it? as other people seem to just get on with it.

Good luck to you with your move and I really hope it is a happy one for you and your partner if she changes her mind. Post me a slice of sunshine once you are there..
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 5:36 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Hi Choccie,

My husband has never been keen on emigration. He liked Australia when we were travelling, but said he didn't like it enough to warrant upping sticks and moving there.

I have wanted to live in Australia for years, not because I don't like the U.K, but because I want to experience living in another country. I don't think Australia is some kind of utopia and I wouldn't split up my marriage to "follow my dream". However, I'd like the opportunity to give Australia a go.

I am in a slightly different position to you in that my husband will emigrate if I insist. The problem is that I don't want to make him do something he doesn't really want to do.

We went through the visa process a couple of years ago and pulled out just as our meds were requested. This was due to 2 factors: the death of my father and the collapse of our house sale.
My husband hoped that would be the end of it and was quite upset when I brought the subject up again.

In the end we have compromised: we are going to try it for a year. I'm taking a sabbatical from my job and we're renting out the house rather than selling. If all goes well then we will stay, if one of us doesn't love it then we'll come home. That's our agreement.

Could you explain to your partner how you feel and offer some sort of compromise like this?

Good luck

Last edited by Kapri; Apr 7th 2010 at 5:38 pm.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 5:56 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Originally Posted by choccybicciebribe View Post
Hi,

I am married to a lovely man. We have a lovely 5 year old, and a lovely life, in a lovely suburb and our lives are lovely......... but I have always wanted to try living in Australia and my husband does not. I find that each winter that passes here since I have had my child gets longer and duller and I have come to dread them. I know that a lot of the dread stems from the feeling that we enter some type of hibernation in the winter months. The winter sunny days are ok, but I don't like the endless grey ones.
When the spring comes around I feel truly alive again. I love the smell of the warm air and seeing the plants get some colour and leaves back on them again. Everything is more pleasurable, being out in the air again, seeing friends with smiles on their faces and the feeling of happiness that everyone seems to radiate because the summer is coming!!
I have visited Australia several times, and we all spent 6 weeks there on a great holiday which my husband enjoyed but could not see himself living there. I guess I was really hoping that he would say he loved it and lets go! He is in a highly skilled profession on the wanted list and there seems to be no shortage of positions for him, so on the job front he would probably be able to get a visa. I on the other hand am skilled in the arts and music and am able to earn well with what I do.... but sadly the things that I do are not on the wanted list.
My parents have said if they were younger that they would up sticks and go abroad as they find the long winters and greyness difficult now they are older. They are great travellers and would love coming to visit if we lived there too.

I feel so at home in Australia. I love being outdoors and walking, hearing birds and nature and just being around animals and seeing people enjoying themselves. I love the warmth on my face, the aussie banter, the sense of can do as opposed to 'can't do'... I know it is different when you live somewhere and believe me when I say 'I do not look at it through rose coloured glasses'. I have seen and experienced the shitty bits too! and I know Utopia doesn't exist...
But I would love for us all to have a more outdoorsy life and feel that so much is possible in Australia and my son would have such a nice upbringing there.

There are so many things that I love about the U.K. and I would miss it a lot, but I would much rather base ourselves in Australia and visit the U.K. not live here.
I have thought about re-training into a profession where I could get a visa, but it would mean splitting up my marriage and moving my son half way around the world from his father, who is a brilliant father! My husband just refuses to discuss it seriously and hopes that every winter I won't mention it and the feelings have gone away.... they never do.

Has anyone else gone or is anyone else going through a similar thing? Should I just shut up and stop being 'a whinging pom' and get on with a nice life or should I follow my heart and my dreams in spite of other people's heartache?

It's like a big elephant in the corner of the room..
Maybe make a deal immigrate ,and after 2 years if he wants to go back you will go back, but of course if he decides to go back it will have been expensive and disruptive to your lives.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 5:59 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Originally Posted by xzibit View Post
You feel similar to me about the UK winters. I dread them coming, and in spring, I am much happier, and seem to enjoy life so much more, just because it's warmer, lighter, and you can just go outside and enjoy the place.

You're also in a similar position to me. I have a visa and want to go and live in Australia. My girlfriend, doesn't have a visa, and wouldn't move to Australia.

The obvious solution for me was to call it quits with her, and move on my own. Well, that's what will be happening in the next 6 months if she doesn't change her mind. Although, it's much harder with you, having a child.

Maybe you can persuade your other half to give it a go, and if he doesn't like it, then you say you can move back to the UK?? You never know, he may agree to it. My Aunt and Uncle were in a similar position to you before they moved in 2003. My Uncle would ask my Aunt every year if they could emigrate to Oz, and my Aunt would say 'no'. On the 4th year, she turned round and said 'yes'!!

Maybe it's worth a shot.
HAS your girlfriend ever been to OZ? if not perhaps take her on a holiday then she may turn out to like the place.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 6:01 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Hi Kapri,

My husband has said that he would go for 6 months and travel around, but does not want to work when he is there.
We would also rent out our house. My biggest problem with that though is I feel we would all just be together all the time and not get to know any Australian's or Expats because we would be leaving again in 6 months. We would also need to home educate my son as he would not be eligible to go to school and my husband wants to travel around. It sounds amazing in principle.. but I think it would be very different if we were all together for 6 months and felt as if we didn't know anyone? I feel as if it might be like experiencing Australia from behind a bit of a glass wall, instead of being able to really immerse ourselves in Aussie life.
It is the only thing he has agreed to though and it could be years away. He won't say when he would be prepared for us to do it.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 6:58 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Originally Posted by Kapri View Post
Hi Choccie,


In the end we have compromised: we are going to try it for a year. I'm taking a sabbatical from my job and we're renting out the house rather than selling. If all goes well then we will stay, if one of us doesn't love it then we'll come home. That's our agreement.

Could you explain to your partner how you feel and offer some sort of compromise like this?

Good luck


This sounds like a really good idea if the OP could get her OH to agree to it

But I also agree with OP you do really need to work and experience the OZ lifestyle as if you intended to live there to get a balanced view.

A real toughie I'm afraid.

it works out for everyone concerned
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 8:27 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

I`m sorry to say, but having been there and done it,,if you both aren`t fully 100% into the move, it wont work. Plus you have to have a very strong marriage to survive all the stress moving to the other side of the world brings.

Good Luck
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 9:10 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Originally Posted by choccybicciebribe View Post
Hi,

I am married to a lovely man. We have a lovely 5 year old, and a lovely life, in a lovely suburb and our lives are lovely......... but I have always wanted to try living in Australia and my husband does not. I find that each winter that passes here since I have had my child gets longer and duller and I have come to dread them. I know that a lot of the dread stems from the feeling that we enter some type of hibernation in the winter months. The winter sunny days are ok, but I don't like the endless grey ones.
When the spring comes around I feel truly alive again. I love the smell of the warm air and seeing the plants get some colour and leaves back on them again. Everything is more pleasurable, being out in the air again, seeing friends with smiles on their faces and the feeling of happiness that everyone seems to radiate because the summer is coming!!
I have visited Australia several times, and we all spent 6 weeks there on a great holiday which my husband enjoyed but could not see himself living there. I guess I was really hoping that he would say he loved it and lets go! He is in a highly skilled profession on the wanted list and there seems to be no shortage of positions for him, so on the job front he would probably be able to get a visa. I on the other hand am skilled in the arts and music and am able to earn well with what I do.... but sadly the things that I do are not on the wanted list.
My parents have said if they were younger that they would up sticks and go abroad as they find the long winters and greyness difficult now they are older. They are great travellers and would love coming to visit if we lived there too.

I feel so at home in Australia. I love being outdoors and walking, hearing birds and nature and just being around animals and seeing people enjoying themselves. I love the warmth on my face, the aussie banter, the sense of can do as opposed to 'can't do'... I know it is different when you live somewhere and believe me when I say 'I do not look at it through rose coloured glasses'. I have seen and experienced the shitty bits too! and I know Utopia doesn't exist...
But I would love for us all to have a more outdoorsy life and feel that so much is possible in Australia and my son would have such a nice upbringing there.

There are so many things that I love about the U.K. and I would miss it a lot, but I would much rather base ourselves in Australia and visit the U.K. not live here.
I have thought about re-training into a profession where I could get a visa, but it would mean splitting up my marriage and moving my son half way around the world from his father, who is a brilliant father! My husband just refuses to discuss it seriously and hopes that every winter I won't mention it and the feelings have gone away.... they never do.

Has anyone else gone or is anyone else going through a similar thing? Should I just shut up and stop being 'a whinging pom' and get on with a nice life or should I follow my heart and my dreams in spite of other people's heartache?

It's like a big elephant in the corner of the room..
Umm, you seem to be thinking of australia from holiday mode, sun on your face, warm weather, aussie banter .... speak to a lot of people who have lived here for a while and that could quickly turn into skin cancer on your face, floods or boiling heat and aussie bullshite

Seriously you do sound like you have the dream version.

Too many spouses kids get dragged to oz on someones dream. The posts of many marriage breakups, families/kids split on opposite sides of the world, and marriages where one person lives in compromise mode or lives for the odd month in the UK litter this forum as evidence of that.

To be honest if your spouse visited and doesnt want to go, then you probably stick to holidays in OZ unless you can get the skills to get your own visa and you spouse who you describe as a great dad is willing to let your child go

Seriously let it go, OZ is a fantastic place to holiday, but its not worth wrecking a family for.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 9:30 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

I am sure you are right, that it probably isn't worth wrecking a family for. The problem is the more I holiday in Australia the more I love it. I am not even talking about living there forever, but being able to enjoy what it has to offer for at least a few years.
I do love my husband very much, and I know in my heart that I could not take our son away so he would not see much of him.
I have followed these forums on and off for a few years now, so I am well aware of the break up's that people have endured to get to where they want to be and also how much things have changed in Australia because of the world wide recession etc. I know it's not utopia, I really do, but any answers on here are useful for me and I just don't want to turn round when I am 70 with feelings of regret. It's a tough one I know and I just wish my husband would try it, even for a couple of years.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 9:37 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

I'm with J & R. Holiday mode is vastly different from actually having to live here (I am one of the ones who survives with an annual trip back to sanity, otherwise am the sacrificial lamb because my Australian husband refuses to move to UK with me!)

The Aus heat is vastly different from hot summer days and there are days when going outside and breathing in a furnace is not an attractive option. You freak if your child goes outside and isnt slathered in sunscreen because burning is so easy - either that or they spend their lives totally covered up and quite surprisingly Aus has a high level of Vit D deficient kids!!! At least you can adjust your clothing to cope with cold weather but in the heat there is no way to escape other than living in airconditioning all the time.

Far better to use your excellent UK rec leave allowances (only 4 wks per year here) and come over for holidays in the winter season (cheaper flights from UK than out of here too). Failing that SAD is a recognized condition and can be ameliorated by light boxes and other interventions, perhaps that would be the cheaper option.

If you can try it for a year without burning any bridges and have homes and work to return to then you lose nothing for the experience but in this climate I wouldnt be chucking in a perfectly good life on a whim, just adjust the bits that you dont particularly like.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 9:55 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Great advice, thanks. I am going to get one of those light boxes this year as I found the grey days the worst ever this winter. My Mum does suffer from SAD and I have seen for years the effect the darker days have on her. I just never used to be bothered by it at all.
I do understand the heat and how oppressive it can be. We have spent many holidays in Thailand and wow that is hot and you do look to be in the air con nearly all of the time when we visit family there.
It is a tough call to make to jack in employment and take a gamble. I am not particularly tied to a house, or a place here though and neither is my husband, so in that way he is happy to move around. We value experiences more than material things, that is why it is so frustrating that I can't persuade him to experience Australia for more than a few weeks a year.

I guess if he is willing to holiday there every year to suit my longings then that is another alternative. It must be hard for you to miss the U.K. and I do appreciate your post, thanks.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 10:09 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Have you considered maybe looking at buying a property in the Med; renting it out in the summer and living there in the Winter? Obviously I don't know if that's practical for your situation and you'd also have to contend with the overbearing bureaucracy of the Med countries but it does sound like your hubby doesn't want to come to Aus.
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Old Apr 7th 2010, 11:15 pm
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Default Re: When only one of you wants to live in Australia....how do you get past it?

Originally Posted by choccybicciebribe View Post
I have thought about re-training into a profession where I could get a visa, but it would mean splitting up my marriage and moving my son half way around the world from his father, who is a brilliant father!
and if you don't get full custody?
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