perksy

Know exactly how your feeling mate, me mam got diagnosed with lung cancer last weekend and never smoked a fag in her life. She had a full body scan wednesday to see if its spread. She gets the results in a couple of hours.

In our house the mother in law is due to arrive on monday for the first time. The mrs is understandably excited however with thoughts on my mum I dont share the same feelings. My mrs is a selfless heartless biyatch who is too wrapped up in her own family visiting to spare a thought for mine. So to say I feel a little agrieved right now is a little underestimated

Spellbound

Thank you all once again for your replys and sorry to all of those who are going through something similar. It definitely is one of the down sides of living abroad.

Thanks Zambia - I have heard the serenity poem quite a bit lately (through Al-Anon) but didnt think to apply it to my current circumstances, thanks for reminding me.

Emma75 - we are from Eastleigh originally, my daughter Emma lives in Southampton. There is nothing worse over here than getting the early morning phone calls. The last one, a month ago, was letting us know that my FIL had died. Australia really is a great place to live though and I don't miss the UK one bit, just family and friends (and M&S).

Persky - sorry to hear about your mum - hopefully your wife is not too self absorbed to not be concerned for you and your mum at all and may just not know how or what to say - life goes on etc.

shiels

Try and stay positive and do what feels right for you.

PS I only miss family and M&S too! X

suzyambrose

My uncle died yesterday after losing his battle with kidney cancer, he was 48. Half my family are from Holland and I got told at the weekend he didn't have long left so we drove the 9 hours down at the beginning of the week and I got to say goodbye and cuddle him and cry. I just keep thinking to myself "if we lived in Australia I couldn't have done that" and I found it very important to see him before he went. I don't know what that means but sometimes I wonder should we even bother moving.

I don't really want to say anymore, it makes me weepy as you will understand but I thought I should share my story.

Mrs Jackaroo

Its very very tough. We've been here for 4 years, and in that time, firstly my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, thankfully she survived after a mastectomy. I was in total shock when I got that call - absolutely awful - couldn't register it at all and just didnt know what to do with the information. Initially I wanted to go home straight away, but then I thought 'what if when I get there, she gets results and they're not good, then I'd want to stay longer to help her through treatment. So I decided to wait for the results and leave if they werent good. But I was then also thinking, what if they're not good, and I go home to help her through treatment and that doesnt work, I'll want to stay with her until 'the end' and I wouldnt be able to. Such horrible horrible thoughts to have to get your head around. As it was, the results were good, she had the mastectomy and no other treatment.

My dad also went into hospital in September. I'd heard he was moving to another hospital closer to home as he was improving so I planned to make a surprise visit after he'd moved. Sadly he suddenly took a turn for the worse and passed away within about 12 hours of me being informed... no chance in the world I could get to him to say my goodbyes... so sad, but thats life. I then flew home the following day to arrange his funeral and clear his flat out (this was my first time back in the UK for almost 4 years, and this is what I arrived to... not good).

I'm waffling now... but anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel.

Ignore that evil person who sent you that email - its absolutely shocking and my guess is they're very jealous of you and feel this is a way to take the shine off your 'lovely new life'. Nasty. Vile

Thinking of you xxxx

fallen angel

Thinking of you.

Its not easy, when we left the UK my dad was seriously ill with throat cancer. I think, without actually saying it, he and I both knew that when we left that was it. He died last December, we arrived in July. I didn't go back when we found it was nearing the end, he wasn't the dad I remembered and he was on such strong drugs he didn't know who was/wasn't in the room. We simply couldn't afford for me to go back. Equally, and it will forever chew me up and make me feel awful, I didn't go back for his funeral. It was held a few days before Christmas. There were no flights available that would get me back here for Christmas which obviously wouldn't have been an issue except I would have had to have dragged a 1yo and a 3yo back with me solo as H couldn't get the time off work. He simply didn't have enough leave and we couldn't afford for him to have it unpaid as well as forking out for 3 flights.

On the weekend after he died we went up to Wentworth Falls in Blue Mountains and released some balloons and talked about him. It was incredibly moving. more so than I ever thought it could be. Sorry to waffle.


You must do what is right for you. Ignore the nasty, spiteful emails. You being in the UK or not will not alter her prognosis. It may make her happy to see you but only you know whether that is a possibility. Unfortunately this is the rough side of the coin.

Good luck with your decision and wishing your mum all the best in her battle.

the4ofus

[QUOTE=fallen angel;8417147]Thinking of you.


On the weekend after he died we went up to Wentworth Falls in Blue Mountains and released some balloons and talked about him. It was incredibly moving. more so than I ever thought it could be. Sorry to waffle.



We plan on doing this Monday for our Little Granda who died yesterday and will be buried Monday. he was my OH grandfather but my youngest had lovinly named him "little granda" when she was just a toddler and it had affectionatly stuck. We're going to go to the beach and release some balloons.

night night little granda

Lynn xx

Mrs Jackaroo

Lovely idea. The way you grieve is very personal to you, and it makes no difference which side of the world you're on. I planted a bottle brush tree for me dad and put a bench beside it. We both loved nature and birds, and so this was the perfect option for us...

Jan4kids

I would go and see her, nothing will get you that chance back once she is dead.

I had similar news mid 2008.I so wanted to return,but my Mum wouldn't hear of it....as time went on the prognosis got less and less promising. I was with my Dad when he died and at the very least wanted to see her before she died.

I too feared (as a previous poster did) that I would be unable to return until her death and even imagining saying that last goodbye would reduce me to a sobbing wreck....if I would have stayed (the MONTHS required as it turned out) my Husband would have lost his job and maybe in turn we would have lost our home.

I tried so hard to get the timing just right so as to satisfy all criteria, time away during school holidays,Husbands Christmas break and arriving before my Mums death but with enough time to be there when she did...a hard thing to do

Well I feel like I failed I brought my flight forward by two days when she took a serious turn for the worse....but it wasn't enough. She died at 6a.m whilst I was flying out to her.....10 hours before I landed at 4p.m

I arrived at Heathrow not knowing and phoned the Hospital...the young Nurses' tone and awkardness said it all without the words that came next "Oh! didn't anyone tell you??"...had she been alive I would have jumped straight on a tube train to University College Hospital to be with her, but as it happened I collected the keys to my rental car and drove emptily to my Mums house, my childhood home. The car stereo was unfamiliar to me and it was 'stuck' on classic F.M...adding to the rather surreal and sombre mood inexplicably. My emotions were wild.....I was so glad to be back (I had been so, so homesick in my 4 and a half years in Australia), but then came crashing back down when the reality hit....this crazy cycle of emotions continued the whole time I was there.

Now I am an only child so the only one to deal with my Mums house,belongings funeral etc. I had 3 and a half weeks to achieve a small miracle.

I was so apprehensive driving down my Mums road. I Picked up my Mums spare key from the neighbour and somewhat hesitantly/reluctantly let myself in. My Mum had been in Hospital for around 7 weeks by this point....the house was like the Marie Celeste...she had been admitted on a routine appointment so it was just how she left it.....breakfast dish in the sink, half drunk cup of (now mouldy) tea and I had to laugh as my Mum had warned me laughingly saying "Oooh Jan, I think I left a half eaten ready meal in the oven"....and there it was staring back at me in all it's 'penicillined' glory

As the weeks passed, I cleared the house...a major,major feat as my Parents were both serial hoarders lol! at first I couldn't bear to move anything, so overcame this by taking photos of the scenes that met me. I also organised her funeral,viewed her body, dry cleaned her funeral 'outfit', organised removals, ordered skips, took numerous drives to the Cancer Charity shop with donations and conquered numerous other seemingly scary and emotionally impossible tasks. I felt wrong going through all my Parents belongings, packing up my Dads treasured guitars which I was forbidden to touch as a child and finding a most wonderful 'retro' stash of 1960's pornographic magazines in my Dads wardrobe ......sorry Dad if you're listening

I walked out of the empty house, having laid my Mum to rest, myself 8 kilos lighter but feeling a damn sight emotionally stronger and capable than I though I was.

...but I have to live with that 10 hour discrepancy for the rest of my life, despite meaning well and trying my hardest.

Go and see your Mum Spellbound........

Better post on that 'last time you cried' thread now..........

Jan (Daughter of Jeff and Doreen )

Mrs Jackaroo

What an awful way to find out So sorry. I remember arriving at heathrow and just feeling so mixed up. Excited because I'd been away for 4 years, and then the enormity of what you're there for hits you. The day I arrived I met with the funeral director! Like you say, you emerge from it a stronger person. I travelled 24 hours to get the job done, and yet my brother couldn't travel 3 hours to help me with any of it I was there for a whirlwind emotional, stress packed 2 weeks, and then returned home absolutely exhausted.

Try not to feel guilty... at least your mum new you were heading home to see her, and she probably watched you all the way I bet shes been having a go at your dad ever since for those porno mags!!! haha

Secretsquirral

A week after we arrived in Aus to start our new life my hubby got the news that his dad was terminally ill. Despite being skint and having nowhere to live with 15 month old twins, he had to leave us here and fly back and say goodbye. It was the right thing to do.

My Nan died suddenly last month aged 91, we couldnt make it back to see her and I felt totally helpless and alone being over here with all my rellies in the Uk being together to help and support each other.

There isn't even a question that we wouldn't fly back to say goodbye if one of our parents became seriously ill - I agree with other posters that you should try and get back if at all possible, if not for you then for your mum or you may regret it for the rest of your life.

killerhales

My Mum died of lung cancer (was a champion smoker) a number of years ago.

I live in Australia now but at the time I was in Holland, and my eldest brother in Australia.

It was fairly clear that she was terminally ill, but before she got too bad, my brother came over and we had a family reunion; did a few of the old things, got her to a Charlton Athletic football match, went to the pie and eel shop, drove around some of the old haunts.

My brother's point was that he would rather do that than come over for the funeral.

It was the best thing we could have done and it helped my Mum and all of us.
It was hard for my bro to say goodbye when he returned to Oz, knowing that it really was the last time, but it was for sure the right thing to do.

Good luck