a wee joke to cheer us up
Aug 30th 2003, 11:08 am
#1
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Location, Location!
Posts: 1,481
a wee joke to cheer us up
Something to brighten your day
>
>A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
>two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
>
>Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said
>the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
>difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
>
>We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the
>cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the
>tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on
>it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big
>mistake."
>
>"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
>
>"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
>looks like yours!' "
>
>"I don't remember much after that."
>
>A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
>two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
>
>Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said
>the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
>difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
>
>We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the
>cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the
>tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on
>it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big
>mistake."
>
>"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
>
>"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
>looks like yours!' "
>
>"I don't remember much after that."
Aug 30th 2003, 11:46 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Down the road, that's where I'll always be
Posts: 467
Re: a wee joke to cheer us up
If I've done this file attachment thing properly, you should see an attached .wav file about 800kb in size.
It's a recording of a radio phone-in competition from Australia.
It's a recording of a radio phone-in competition from Australia.
Aug 30th 2003, 12:55 pm
#3
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Location, Location!
Posts: 1,481
that is so funny !! anymore jokes this is quite disgusting so don't read if easily offended
Heads or tails..
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >A wino walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
> > >face.
> > >
> > >"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
> > >
> > >"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railway...
> > >Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
> > >tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and
> > >took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored
>
> > >big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
> > >everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
> > >
> > >"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was
> > >she pretty?"
> > >
> > >"Dunno, never found the head."
>
Heads or tails..
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >A wino walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
> > >face.
> > >
> > >"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
> > >
> > >"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railway...
> > >Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
> > >tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and
> > >took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored
>
> > >big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
> > >everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
> > >
> > >"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was
> > >she pretty?"
> > >
> > >"Dunno, never found the head."
>
Aug 30th 2003, 1:46 pm
#4
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 123
These made me laugh.....
Subject: Irish classifieds
Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancee
Seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker gets slit-eyed and shirty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Attracttive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
For the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm. Box 36/41
Subject: Irish classifieds
Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancee
Seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker gets slit-eyed and shirty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Attracttive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
For the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm. Box 36/41
Aug 30th 2003, 3:07 pm
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Down the road, that's where I'll always be
Posts: 467
Originally posted by Carrianne
that is so funny !! anymore jokes this is quite disgusting so don't read if easily offended
Heads or tails..
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >A wino walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
> > >face.
> > >
> > >"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
> > >
> > >"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railway...
> > >Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
> > >tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and
> > >took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored
>
> > >big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
> > >everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
> > >
> > >"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was
> > >she pretty?"
> > >
> > >"Dunno, never found the head."
>
that is so funny !! anymore jokes this is quite disgusting so don't read if easily offended
Heads or tails..
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >A wino walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
> > >face.
> > >
> > >"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
> > >
> > >"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railway...
> > >Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
> > >tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and
> > >took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored
>
> > >big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
> > >everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
> > >
> > >"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was
> > >she pretty?"
> > >
> > >"Dunno, never found the head."
>
Carrianne, judging by the format of the text you've posted, I reckon you've got a long email of jokes that you're pasting from.......
Aug 30th 2003, 4:17 pm
#6
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Location, Location!
Posts: 1,481
Young lad I get loads of jokes and photo's a day from pals at work and home.
Here are some of the simple Tommy Cooper one's oldies but goodies
Tommy Cooper one-liners :
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
> > > >>
> > > >>The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
> > > >>
> > > >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>Two cannibals eating a clown.
> > > >>
> > > >>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>acid,the
> > > >>
> > > >>other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
>off.
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog
>up
> > > >>
> > > >>and
> > > >>
> > > >>starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls
>out:
> > > >>
> > > >>'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just
>looking.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
>and go
> > > >>
> > > >>aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
>thing
> > > >>
> > > >>on
> > > >>
> > > >>an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
>legs
> > > >>
> > > >>and
> > > >>
> > > >>put it in a library.'I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
> > > >>
> > > >>chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
>said
> > > >>
> > > >>'Yes, this my livelihood.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
> > > >>
> > > >>you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
> > > >>
> > > >>oyster,
> > > >>
> > > >>go for it.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They
> > > >>
> > > >>left
> > > >>
> > > >>a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
> > > >>
> > > >>nice."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
> > > >>
> > > >>ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
> > > >>
> > > >>one.' He
> > > >>
> > > >>said Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
>freedom
> > > >>
> > > >>in
> > > >>
> > > >>these trousers, yes.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
>camp?', I
> > > >>
> > > >>said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
>buy
> > > >>
> > > >>a
> > > >>
> > > >>caravan.'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'Camper?'
> > > >>
> > > >>I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
>"My
> > > >>
> > > >>dog's died.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
>was in
> > > >>
> > > >>went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
> > > >>
> > > >>said to
> > > >>
> > > >>me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
> > > >>
> > > >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> > > >>
> > > >>'Who's
> > > >>
> > > >>speaking please?'
> > > >>
> > > >>And a voice said 'You are.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
> > > >>
> > > >>swimming
> > > >>
> > > >>baths?'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
>my
> > > >>
> > > >>house.'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> > > >>
> > > >>people
> > > >>
> > > >>in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
>dad.
> > > >>
> > > >>Or my
> > > >>
> > > >>older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
>it's
> > > >>
> > > >>Colin."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
>and
> > > >>
> > > >>he
> > > >>
> > > >>said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
>second
> > > >>
> > > >>time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He
>rang
> > > >>
> > > >>up
> > > >>
> > > >>a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a
> > > >>
> > > >>tree.
> > > >>
> > > >>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said
>'I
> > > >>
> > > >>careered off the road.'
> > > >>
> > > >>
Here are some of the simple Tommy Cooper one's oldies but goodies
Tommy Cooper one-liners :
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
> > > >>
> > > >>The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
> > > >>
> > > >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>Two cannibals eating a clown.
> > > >>
> > > >>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>acid,the
> > > >>
> > > >>other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
>off.
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog
>up
> > > >>
> > > >>and
> > > >>
> > > >>starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls
>out:
> > > >>
> > > >>'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just
>looking.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
>and go
> > > >>
> > > >>aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
>thing
> > > >>
> > > >>on
> > > >>
> > > >>an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
>legs
> > > >>
> > > >>and
> > > >>
> > > >>put it in a library.'I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
> > > >>
> > > >>chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
>said
> > > >>
> > > >>'Yes, this my livelihood.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
> > > >>
> > > >>you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
> > > >>
> > > >>oyster,
> > > >>
> > > >>go for it.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They
> > > >>
> > > >>left
> > > >>
> > > >>a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
> > > >>
> > > >>nice."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
> > > >>
> > > >>ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
> > > >>
> > > >>one.' He
> > > >>
> > > >>said Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
>freedom
> > > >>
> > > >>in
> > > >>
> > > >>these trousers, yes.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
>camp?', I
> > > >>
> > > >>said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
>buy
> > > >>
> > > >>a
> > > >>
> > > >>caravan.'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'Camper?'
> > > >>
> > > >>I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
>"My
> > > >>
> > > >>dog's died.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
>was in
> > > >>
> > > >>went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
> > > >>
> > > >>said to
> > > >>
> > > >>me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
> > > >>
> > > >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> > > >>
> > > >>'Who's
> > > >>
> > > >>speaking please?'
> > > >>
> > > >>And a voice said 'You are.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
> > > >>
> > > >>swimming
> > > >>
> > > >>baths?'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
>my
> > > >>
> > > >>house.'
> > > >>
> > > >>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> > > >>
> > >
> >>----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> > > >>
> > > >>people
> > > >>
> > > >>in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
>dad.
> > > >>
> > > >>Or my
> > > >>
> > > >>older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
>it's
> > > >>
> > > >>Colin."
> > > >>
> > >
> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > >>
> > > >>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
>and
> > > >>
> > > >>he
> > > >>
> > > >>said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
>second
> > > >>
> > > >>time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He
>rang
> > > >>
> > > >>up
> > > >>
> > > >>a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a
> > > >>
> > > >>tree.
> > > >>
> > > >>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said
>'I
> > > >>
> > > >>careered off the road.'
> > > >>
> > > >>
