BouncingBack

Would she go to couple counselling with you - Nope, even the suggestion causes incredible amounts of grief.

Lindsay Clan

I really feel for you and what you are all going through. I'd have to agree with the fact that you need to go to counselling in the UK before you even commit to moving to Oz. The whole business about moving so far away from everything that you know is very stressful (as you know from previous experience). Therefore your relationship needs to be solid before you come over and it sounds as though it is far from it. Also think of the kids. They have already been through the move once and then been dragged back to the UK again. They must know that things are not quite right between mum and dad and to put them through all the upheaval of a big move again isn't fair on them when your wife doesn't sound as though she wants this move to be permanent. She should start putting you and the kids first and not her mother and make a decision to stay in the UK or go to Oz and make it permanent. Think of yourself and your children before you make this huge decision. Good luck.

Lorraine

ladylisa

I also agree with Mike Stanton for anyone thats emigrated you know that alone can put pressure on a relationship even a seemingly good relationship to start with. I would honestly say do not even think about moving until you and you wife have an agreed plan. I am predicting at this moment that your wife will immediately up sticks as soon as you get to Oz, which if you think you have pressure now will be no comparison to later. It seems to me the real issues lie with your wife's commitment to your marriage and your inability to confront those issues with her. Why are you afraid to talk to her about this? You both really need counselling to try and find out why you are not working together on your problems. It seems to me you seem to have huge communication issues, resolve this before doing anything.

DunRoaminTheUK

I also agree with Mike on this one BUT I would say that IT in Brisbane is beginning to boom so Mike's comment about "IT demand" is not strictly speaking accurate. I went for two interviews and got two offers within two weeks. I was told by a large and well established agency that demand for IT staff in Brisbane is now larger than the supply.

TraceyW

Don't come. It's as simple as that. Emigrating is incredibly stressful, and it will put another load of pressure on an already fragile relationship. It'd be like "we'll have a baby to make it all alright", instead it will kill it.

Your wife already caved in after three weeks in Adelaide because of a phone call from her mum. The emotional blackmail that can occur from families left in the UK is unbelievable (trust me, I know!).

What happens if you are out in Brisbane and your wife, after who knows how long, turns round again and decides she wants to go back home? She'll obviously take the children and probably not think about your happiness at all.

If I were you, I would be looking for changing my circumstances in the UK even if it means moving a few hunder miles away from her family, they'll still be close enough to visit.

Hutch

Strange days, but I agree with MikeStanton as well. Fact is (as you discovered first time round), emigration places an absolutely incredible strain on a marriage. We all move out here with the best of intentions, but unless both partners in a marriage (and let's not forget the kids either!) are prepared to put up with a lot of shit as a new life is established, then even the most rock solid of marriages can fail.

Forget Australia for a moment. Ask yourself if you'd be 'happy' (for want of a better word) to get separated, go through the horrible acrimony of a divorce and just end up seeing your kids on the odd weekend or holiday. If you go to Australia the chances are that that's what would happen - if you stay in the UK, then whilst there still seems to be a possibility of marital break-up, you'd have saved yourself a lot of grief, time and effort and be able to work through the divorce in a system you're at least familiar with.

There is no doubt that missing friends and family is one of the main reasons people move back to the UK. Your wife is totally emeshed in her friends/family network in the UK and suffered horribly as a result when moving to Australia. Despite the fact that she's suggested moving to Oz, why does she think it'll be any different this time? It's all guesswork on our part of course, but it makes me think that she wants the marriage to continue and she's suggested going back to Oz so that you can 'get it out of your system'.

Bottom line - the move to Oz throws up way too many 'what ifs' than staying in the UK and sorting your life out first. I admire your desire to make your marriage work for the sake of your children and hope that you arrive at a mutually satisfactory conclusion. Good luck.

DunRoaminTheUK

My best guess is that the OP's wife is making a life changing decision whilst being completely enveloped by her current comfort zone. I reckon that moving completely outside of it again will lead to the same consequences as before.

I also think that whilst she has the comfort of her family being close to hand the grass in Oz will definitely take on a much deeper shade of "green-ness" as this is obviously a distortion of her perception of her reality and security.

movetoperth

I think moving your family half way round the world is a big enough strain on a relationship if you are all singing from the same song sheet, but it seems to me that you guys aren't. Your relationship sounds as though it needs some serious sorting out wherever you are. Your wife has obviously relied a great deal on her family when you have been away, and it sounds as though her famlly have managed to use this as a weapon in the past. You have to make her less dependany on them and live more as a family unit, learn to lean on each other as that is all you will have when you move.

As for the pressure of confirming school places etc, forget about it, schools will accept you at any stage in the school year and you are using that as an excuse to make a snap decision. If you are going to do this you need to all be 100% committed to it, 100% excited about it and convinced that you are doing the right thing. Anything less and you are facing an uphill struggle from the start.

I also think as someone else said it woud be good to have your wife read this.

Lynn

JackTheLad

Can I just add my tuppence as someone who's based in Brisbane, and has been working on another "niche" enterprise product?

The Brisbane IT market is interesting. Some say there's great demand for skilled workers, some say the opposite. I think in general there are plenty of jobs - network, security, database, web development, application support, etc. But there really aren't many new projects here if you're looking at enterprise applications like JDE, Peoplesoft, SAP or Siebel. Most projects are in Sydney, Melbourne and Canberra.

If you're after the big bucks from implementations, you'll have to be prepared to do lots of travelling away from Brisbane. I might be old-fashioned but I can't see how efficient working "remotely" can be, especially if you were working on a lifecyle implementation. If the problems with your marriage in the past had anything to do with your being away frequently, like Mike Stanton says, you've got to think hard about it again. Will your wife and your kids be okay with you working away from home even occasionally, without the family support that you have in the UK? Can your future boss guarantee you can work locally in Brisbane for at least the first few months to help the family settle? Have you considered Melbourne (or Sydney) where you may be able to do more work locally if you were to continue with JDE in the long term?

Since moving here 2 years ago, both JTL and I gave up Siebel implementation work and instead got ourselves production support roles. The pay is much less but as the jobs don't require any travelling, we get to come home to the same house each and every day, instead of being stuck in a hotel or serviced apartment. I can't remember the number of times I was nearly tempted by contracts in Melbourne, Sydney, or Canberra, LOL. But seriously, for us, the comprise has been well worth it.

The fact that your wife's willing to give Australia another chance shows she still cares very much about you and her relationship with you. Please don't give up on her too easily. No one here knows you or your wife better than yourselves, so take your time, talk to her some more, and get yourselves sorted before thinking about Australia or Brisbane.

It is indeed a very strange day, I'm agree with nearly everything Mike says.

Good luck with everyting.

Mrs JTL

BadgeIsBack

Its not so much you need to sort out your relationship, (only you can really know or understand this), you need to sort out your life and where you plan to live. Is it the relationship itself, or it is the constant upheaval and lifestyle hopping. One will clearly lead to another..

The good thing is, this time your wife wants to move. She's put her cards on the table and come to the party. What ever you do, you need to put in measures to protect you all. At least this is not a new thing, you've been here before so you can afford to be candid with each other to the extent of drawing up 'what if we decide this' plans.

Whatever you do, it's risky but at least you will both be ready.

BouncingBack

Had some long discussions, and basically at heart we want the same thing, i.e. a fairly normal family life with more regular hours. However our marriage is not in a state to place the strains of travelling to Australia.

We will therefore relocate in the UK and take the pain of me changing career direction, basically to wherever I can get a decent paying job. I'm still in the brown stuff, but crucially, I'm not in the brown stuff 11 thousand miles away having spent most of my available cash on getting there and setting things up.

BP went down to levels that would pass the Aus medical pretty much straight away!

I'm disappointed, but thats life. Maybe the time will come again.

Thanks for all your comments, I find this site very theraputic, hence its popularity I guess.