Tazzy

I posted a thread last week "What do I say to mum and dad" and I got some really nice supportive advice.
Thought I'd give you all an update. Unfortunatly its not good. My dad phoned today and wanted to come round for a "chat". At first i agreed but then phoned back and cancelled. I was too scared to face him. I am feeling really miserable with the whole parent situation. They are blaming the whole emigrating thing on my husband, even though its a joint decision (which I have told them again and again). My dad is so angry and pissed off right now. I hate being on bad terms with him.
Since the birth of my child he has helped out each month financially, which I have been so grateful for but now has decided to stop the money. I know he his hurting and I am the cause and that just drives me to tears.
I've never had a cross word with my folks before. I've always been daddy's little girl but now because we are hurting them, they are finding ways to hurt us back.
My husband says that its good the money stops as its another hold they have over me broken. I really don't care about the money, just the fact that I am hurting them.
It will be worth this pain, won't it?
I would hate to leave on bad terms but at the moment I can't see any other way.

A Very Sad Tazzy

karawara88

Its your life you have to do whats right for you, go talk to them, explain what you are telling us. OK so they will hurt for a while but the sooner you get it sorted the sooner you stop worrying about it.

Dont leave on bad terms it will eat away at you.

HUP

Hi Tazzy

My father came round at the weekend and we had our first really open and frank conversation. The process has been going on for over 2 years now and it was only at the weekend he finally accepted it. For the rest of the time I think he was just trying to ignore it.

I have to say I was upset seeing him burst into tears but it did open the emotional floodgates to actually talk about things. I really wish we had done it sooner but hindsight is a glorious thing.

We are going because WE want to and you can only live your life for yourselves. If you try and live it for other people someone is going to get hurt.

The best advice I can give you is to try and speak to your father in a calm way (might take a while) on a one to one basis and tell him all your reasons.

Good luck with it

bundy

Poor you, Tazzy - not a great situation and it must take the gloss off the excitement of working towards a new life.

I think it will be worth the pain, although that's obviously very hard to see at the moment. Perhaps you should operate on a 'might not be forever' basis, both for you and your parents. There's no saying that you will be going away never to return...this is how my parents have coped with the thought of us going. But I'm lucky with my family.

It is a bit selfish of your family to have such a hold over you and to use it to make you stay (emotional blackmail, perhaps?) but I can see their point of view too. I think you just need to tell them that this is something you need to do, that it doesn't mean you will never see them again and that it may not be forever (even if you think it will be). Perhaps give them some information on flights etc and show them how easy it is to get out there....they may be unsure because it's all such an unknown quantity and everything seems so alien).

Good luck with it. At the end of the day you should go through life trying to be true to yourself. Regret is a terrible thing - don't let giving in to your family be your regret.

footie chick

Tazzy

I really sorry about your present situation. I wish you all the best of luck and hope things turn out alright in the end.

footie chick

Tazzy

Thanks you guys. I'm blubbering away as I read all your lovely comments. A one to one is probably the best way, but I'll give it a couple of days for us all to calm down first.
Thanks again.
A very humble Tazzy

Badge

My mother is not best pleased, I have to admit. But I told her that now I have found Australia I would never be the same person in the UK. I would be living a constant lie. Noone can make you live in a country you have grown out/away from. I don't think people realise how important this is. It's not just because you want a better life, it's about wanting to be in a place you consider "home" - which for me is Australia.

I told her I was going partly for economic reasons. She said "None of my friend's daughters/sons are leaving".

I told her that if she had left her sons some money then perhaps we could have afforded to stay in this country. All my friends in London etc inherit money etc even if its just a few quid and can afford to buy etc.

I just don't see why I should live in a flat for the next 20 years so that I can please my mother.

badge

BrisbaneBrummie

I feel for you Taz......at the end of the day, a parent should be supportive of its child regardless of the descisions the child makes.
In this case, the child is in fact an adult, with a child of her own.

Sounds to me like some parents are control freaks, I dont mean to sound nasty when I say this, but it's a fact. My brother is the same. His eldest, an 18 year old boy, has started branching out, and because my brother feels like he has no control over him, treats him badly. Its the only control they have left, to put you down, to challenge your dreams, to belittle you......

I say go.

Go and have a great life for you, your husband and your child, and learn from your experience........when your child grows up, remember how you feel what its like to not have the support of a parent.

Parents may not like and agree with what we do at times, but they should always be there for you.

My parents have said they dont want me to go, but understand that its a great opportunity for me, they know how much I love my girlfriend and thats what is important, what is right for ME.

Tell your parents it's not the end (which is probably what is scaring them) but a new beginning.

Good luck

Trev

Sam&Andy

Hi Tazzy

I know exactly how you feel!! My husbands mother is doing the same to us - she is living with us at the moment because she is not well - We are planning to move to Oz next year but she is becoming increasing difficult to handle - she is now refusing to move out of the house when we sell it - She is blaming me and saying that I am deliberately trying to take her son away from her!!

He is so excited about moving to Oz that she is making his life a complete misery!!

Good luck and let me know how you get on!!

Cheers

Sam & Andy

booboo1

Oh Tazzy

I feel very bad for you and your situation...

If your family is a hands on type then perhaps you could go round to them, give them a great big hug and tell them how much you love them but you are still going... Hopefully they will be able to afford to visit you and your family for holidays . They could come over for a long holiday...
At the end of the day a parent must surely want their child to be happy.. this will make you happy to move to aus with their love and support.

Would they consider migrating over in the future under the parents/family migration visas..

I know it must be hard for you but I believe a wife puts her husband and children before anyone else and if that means upping sticks and moving then go for it...

I hope you get things sorted in your favour...

hugs
booboo

veevee

I honestly feel so sorry for you, this is really not a nice situation. I guess it doesnt make you feel any better to hear some negative comments about your parents, i always find that when people say the truth about my family that i dont want to admit i feel really bad like i am betraying them and in the end try to justify it to myself that they really arent that bad. i dont know what i would do in this situation, emotional blackmail is always such a weapon. what i do know is that having experienced emotional blackmail you just have to continually tell yourself that regardless everyone has free will and chose how they react, you cant control other people's happiness. for me that was a big thing to learn, that i actually cant control anyone else and that if they are unhappy well so be it, who am i to make everyone else happy. this is a jumbled way of saying to you that your parents are adults as are you. part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your own emotions/actions etc and your parents are blurring the line. i feel for you.

Mitchells

Tazzy,

I've got the same sort of situation with my parents, they say that its all down to 'him' that we are going, even though I tell them that its both of us.

We got married at the start of the month and were very lucky in the fact that my parents wanted to pay for the whole thing. But the day I told them we were going to apply for the Visa (about March this year), they said that they weren't going to pay a penny towards the wedding, :scared: so that we could sod off to the other side of the world.

It was all sorted out the next day, it was just that I had hurt them so the first thing that they could think of was to withdraw from the wedding, to hurt us back. When I explained to my dad, over the phone when my mum wasn't about that I didn't want to wake up one morning when I was in my 50's and think I really wish I'd given that ago, he said that he could understand and see my point.

I still can't get them to talk about it and my dad says that he will never ever go to OZ as it is too far for him to fly (yet he can go to USA, Mexico, Barbados etc).

Their away on holiday at the moment but I think when they return I should another go at talking to them.

Good Luck, hope you sort things out and remember your doing for a better way of life for 'your' family.

lynnj

I am fortunate that we live 600 miles from our parents and so have made the break already, but they are still avoiding the situation and making comments about it but it is easier for ud as we dont have it face to face. Last week i watched get a new life and at the end when they played the messages from home i was disgusted at the attitude of the womans mother and father, they said how they desperately wanted them to come home and were keeping 2 spare rooms especially for them, it was as though they wanted them to fail at their new life just so they could get them back where they wanted them, this struck me as a cruel and selfish approach for any parent to have. I can understand how parents feel but i wish they could see the positive side of things like a hopefully better life and the chance to spend long holidays enjoying quality time in aus with you.

Perhaps you should print out all these replies and get your father to read them, maybe once he sees how much is hurting you and making your life hell he will realise that you are only doing what he raised you to do, live your own life and stand on your own two feet. Being on the other side of the world doesnt mean you wont still be daddies little girl.

Lynn

jandjuk

Its's very tough situation you're in...

Perhaps if you find it difficult to talk openly with them, you could try writing them a letter, explaining all your reasons why you're doing what you're doing. This might allow everyone the time to process everything without emotions intruding and ruining the conversation! Perhaps you can simple mention in your note, that you are going to do what you want to do because it's your life and your family, and that in the words of GW Bush 'you're either with us, or against us!'. ie, You can spell out to them via a letter that they can either choose to support you in your decision, or risk losing the respect and goodwill of their daughter. (I don't mean to threaten, I just mean that this is their choice - you have already made yours, now it is up to them to act like the adults and make theirs).

I do agree with your husband and father on one point (it's interesting that they agree also in a funny kind of way). Your parents are right to stop the extra financial assistance. Even if you were to stay in the UK, it is important you cut this financial tie - otherwise you will forever feel like you owe them something - which you don't.

Fuzzy

Hi Tazzy, i just gotta say i totally agree with Bundy, your father is being really selfish and immature, he should be really happy for you and your family and not resent you for wanting a better life.
Okay, i'm sure he's gonna miss you, but would he really feel any better if he stopped you achieving your dreams?