Unwelcome Visitors....
Dec 29th 2005, 12:15 am
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Unwelcome Visitors....
In light of Hutch's recent trauma of in-laws being horrible and disrespectful to himself and his family, I thought we could do with some damn fine reasons you can give to those you don't want to visit you in Australia.
1. There have been reports that sharks of all kinds have formed nasty gangs on all the shores of Australia in a bid to stop people from taking holidays there. The sharks in question especially have a reputation for attacking in-laws and those that don't respect the fact that taking ones alcohol and slating husbands and wives, is not the 'done' thing to do. It is also said that the sharks are expert in hiding behind rocks and jumping out shouting 'You pommie git' and tearing a leg off right up to the bone. (they also wear leather jackets and boots and are called 'Stevo' and 'Bluey'.
2. Please don't believe that the spiders are more scared of you because it's just a load of bollox. The Red Back spider ahs a nasty reputation for hiding in your bed and will jump out usually at 1am and shout 'Yer bugger' and bite you quite hard. Red Backs hate visitors and if you are a moaning POM then I am sorry, but you will be attacked in droves and may wake up in the morning with no toes left. Best you stay in England as it's safer.
3. The Kangaroos wear boxing gloves - no really. They hang out wearing board shorts and thongs on their feet, they drink beer and smoke. They can spot an unwelcome visitor a mile away and will smack the shat out of you. Best you avoid them - they are everywhere.
4. Marks & Spencer is really overated. Please don't come over and miss it, You may as well stay in England and get your bloody marmite from M&S in your usual shop, and the bras are made from underground cabling and if you are bigger than a 36b, your bra will have 'big knockers' printed on it.
5. If you don't like people walking around with no shoes on, then don't come to Australia. You as an unwelcome visitor will be expected to walk all day and every day that you reside, in your bare feet. This includes walking through dog and kangaroo faeces. Oh yes, and shark faeces as well because you will have to occasionally walk on 'their patch' - especially when you are pushed into the sea.
6. If you don't like children, then please don't come because when you stay in someones house, you should respect their rules. And if their kids want to put funnel webs in your underpants then so be it. It is also expected that unwelcome visiting will naturally incurr the penalty of allowing the children to be themselves in their own home and if you don't like it, sod off.
7. All Aussie men strive to be like Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin so if you don't like them on TV 24/7, then sod off. In this house all we watch are Croc Dundee, Croc Hunter, Neighbours, Cell Block H, Home and Away. Please don't moan about the Bill or Eastenders because it is shite.
8. All we will eat are BBQ's and it is polite to bring some food and a bottle to a BBQ and very rude to eat someone out of house and home. If you really need to eat that much without contributing you fat bastard, then toodle along to Coles and get yourself some cat food. Contribute or bugger off - simple.
9. If you want to swim in our pool then the new ruling is that you do it naked and with an audience. The neighbours do like to see the pommie todgers so they can laugh at them. And if your beaver doesnt look right, you will be turned upside down and used as a money box. No towels will be provided so you must drip dry.
10. And finally, if you find hostility when you book your flights to stay in our house, eat our food, slag off our family, that is because at the end of the day, you are not wanted.
There you go Hutch, that one was for you mate.
1. There have been reports that sharks of all kinds have formed nasty gangs on all the shores of Australia in a bid to stop people from taking holidays there. The sharks in question especially have a reputation for attacking in-laws and those that don't respect the fact that taking ones alcohol and slating husbands and wives, is not the 'done' thing to do. It is also said that the sharks are expert in hiding behind rocks and jumping out shouting 'You pommie git' and tearing a leg off right up to the bone. (they also wear leather jackets and boots and are called 'Stevo' and 'Bluey'.
2. Please don't believe that the spiders are more scared of you because it's just a load of bollox. The Red Back spider ahs a nasty reputation for hiding in your bed and will jump out usually at 1am and shout 'Yer bugger' and bite you quite hard. Red Backs hate visitors and if you are a moaning POM then I am sorry, but you will be attacked in droves and may wake up in the morning with no toes left. Best you stay in England as it's safer.
3. The Kangaroos wear boxing gloves - no really. They hang out wearing board shorts and thongs on their feet, they drink beer and smoke. They can spot an unwelcome visitor a mile away and will smack the shat out of you. Best you avoid them - they are everywhere.
4. Marks & Spencer is really overated. Please don't come over and miss it, You may as well stay in England and get your bloody marmite from M&S in your usual shop, and the bras are made from underground cabling and if you are bigger than a 36b, your bra will have 'big knockers' printed on it.
5. If you don't like people walking around with no shoes on, then don't come to Australia. You as an unwelcome visitor will be expected to walk all day and every day that you reside, in your bare feet. This includes walking through dog and kangaroo faeces. Oh yes, and shark faeces as well because you will have to occasionally walk on 'their patch' - especially when you are pushed into the sea.
6. If you don't like children, then please don't come because when you stay in someones house, you should respect their rules. And if their kids want to put funnel webs in your underpants then so be it. It is also expected that unwelcome visiting will naturally incurr the penalty of allowing the children to be themselves in their own home and if you don't like it, sod off.
7. All Aussie men strive to be like Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin so if you don't like them on TV 24/7, then sod off. In this house all we watch are Croc Dundee, Croc Hunter, Neighbours, Cell Block H, Home and Away. Please don't moan about the Bill or Eastenders because it is shite.
8. All we will eat are BBQ's and it is polite to bring some food and a bottle to a BBQ and very rude to eat someone out of house and home. If you really need to eat that much without contributing you fat bastard, then toodle along to Coles and get yourself some cat food. Contribute or bugger off - simple.
9. If you want to swim in our pool then the new ruling is that you do it naked and with an audience. The neighbours do like to see the pommie todgers so they can laugh at them. And if your beaver doesnt look right, you will be turned upside down and used as a money box. No towels will be provided so you must drip dry.
10. And finally, if you find hostility when you book your flights to stay in our house, eat our food, slag off our family, that is because at the end of the day, you are not wanted.
There you go Hutch, that one was for you mate.
Dec 29th 2005, 12:21 am
#2
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
11. soapy lives here
Dec 29th 2005, 12:22 am
#3
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by soapy
11. soapy lives here
But then they all might want to come and see you, women throwing their panties at you.
It really wont do.
Dec 29th 2005, 12:23 am
#4
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
But then they all might want to come and see you, women throwing their panties at you.
It really wont do.
It really wont do.
forgot about that
Dec 29th 2005, 12:25 am
#5
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by soapy
true !!!!!
forgot about that
forgot about that
You and Bordy could threaten to walk around the house in your leopard skin G string and see if that works.
Or, it could just make the whole matter worse with everyone and their dog wanting to stay in the Soapy household.
Dec 29th 2005, 12:27 am
#6
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
You and Bordy could threaten to walk around the house in your leopard skin G string and see if that works.
Or, it could just make the whole matter worse with everyone and their dog wanting to stay in the Soapy household.
Or, it could just make the whole matter worse with everyone and their dog wanting to stay in the Soapy household.
Dec 29th 2005, 12:27 am
#7
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,066
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
You could always try my favourite
"I didn't f***ing like you when we were in England so what makes you think I'll f***ing like you in Australia"
Mr Ann
"I didn't f***ing like you when we were in England so what makes you think I'll f***ing like you in Australia"
Mr Ann
Dec 29th 2005, 12:28 am
#8
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by soapy
yeh we can bend doon and pick stuff up
Im sorry but now I have just had a vision of you and the Bordster with your hair testicles bending down and G strings cutting your bum cheeks in half like cheesewire, I really dont feel I could eat any lunch. :scared:
Dec 29th 2005, 12:30 am
#9
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Im sorry but now I have just had a vision of you and the Bordster with your hair testicles bending down and G strings cutting your bum cheeks in half like cheesewire, I really dont feel I could eat any lunch. :scared:
nice eh
Dec 29th 2005, 12:31 am
#10
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by annqldau
You could always try my favourite
"I didn't f***ing like you when we were in England so what makes you think I'll f***ing like you in Australia"
Mr Ann
"I didn't f***ing like you when we were in England so what makes you think I'll f***ing like you in Australia"
Mr Ann
Fantastic.
We really should design a card that says 'You are SO not invited to our home. Please don't take offence, we just dont like you. Besides, you smell'
Dec 29th 2005, 12:35 am
#11
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by soapy
nice eh Proud of your battallions then Soapy?
Dec 29th 2005, 12:36 am
#12
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,066
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
yeah - I'm always being told I should get to the point quicker and stop beating about the bush as much LOL
Dec 29th 2005, 12:36 am
#13
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Proud of your battallions then Soapy?
Dec 29th 2005, 12:38 am
#14
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by annqldau
yeah - I'm always being told I should get to the point quicker and stop beating about the bush as much LOL
Dec 29th 2005, 12:39 am
#15
Victorian Evangelist
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Melbourne, by the beach, living the dream.
Posts: 7,704
Re: Unwelcome Visitors....
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
In light of Hutch's recent trauma of in-laws being horrible and disrespectful to himself and his family, I thought we could do with some damn fine reasons you can give to those you don't want to visit you in Australia.
1. There have been reports that sharks of all kinds have formed nasty gangs on all the shores of Australia in a bid to stop people from taking holidays there. The sharks in question especially have a reputation for attacking in-laws and those that don't respect the fact that taking ones alcohol and slating husbands and wives, is not the 'done' thing to do. It is also said that the sharks are expert in hiding behind rocks and jumping out shouting 'You pommie git' and tearing a leg off right up to the bone. (they also wear leather jackets and boots and are called 'Stevo' and 'Bluey'.
2. Please don't believe that the spiders are more scared of you because it's just a load of bollox. The Red Back spider ahs a nasty reputation for hiding in your bed and will jump out usually at 1am and shout 'Yer bugger' and bite you quite hard. Red Backs hate visitors and if you are a moaning POM then I am sorry, but you will be attacked in droves and may wake up in the morning with no toes left. Best you stay in England as it's safer.
3. The Kangaroos wear boxing gloves - no really. They hang out wearing board shorts and thongs on their feet, they drink beer and smoke. They can spot an unwelcome visitor a mile away and will smack the shat out of you. Best you avoid them - they are everywhere.
4. Marks & Spencer is really overated. Please don't come over and miss it, You may as well stay in England and get your bloody marmite from M&S in your usual shop, and the bras are made from underground cabling and if you are bigger than a 36b, your bra will have 'big knockers' printed on it.
5. If you don't like people walking around with no shoes on, then don't come to Australia. You as an unwelcome visitor will be expected to walk all day and every day that you reside, in your bare feet. This includes walking through dog and kangaroo faeces. Oh yes, and shark faeces as well because you will have to occasionally walk on 'their patch' - especially when you are pushed into the sea.
6. If you don't like children, then please don't come because when you stay in someones house, you should respect their rules. And if their kids want to put funnel webs in your underpants then so be it. It is also expected that unwelcome visiting will naturally incurr the penalty of allowing the children to be themselves in their own home and if you don't like it, sod off.
7. All Aussie men strive to be like Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin so if you don't like them on TV 24/7, then sod off. In this house all we watch are Croc Dundee, Croc Hunter, Neighbours, Cell Block H, Home and Away. Please don't moan about the Bill or Eastenders because it is shite.
8. All we will eat are BBQ's and it is polite to bring some food and a bottle to a BBQ and very rude to eat someone out of house and home. If you really need to eat that much without contributing you fat bastard, then toodle along to Coles and get yourself some cat food. Contribute or bugger off - simple.
9. If you want to swim in our pool then the new ruling is that you do it naked and with an audience. The neighbours do like to see the pommie todgers so they can laugh at them. And if your beaver doesnt look right, you will be turned upside down and used as a money box. No towels will be provided so you must drip dry.
10. And finally, if you find hostility when you book your flights to stay in our house, eat our food, slag off our family, that is because at the end of the day, you are not wanted.
There you go Hutch, that one was for you mate.
1. There have been reports that sharks of all kinds have formed nasty gangs on all the shores of Australia in a bid to stop people from taking holidays there. The sharks in question especially have a reputation for attacking in-laws and those that don't respect the fact that taking ones alcohol and slating husbands and wives, is not the 'done' thing to do. It is also said that the sharks are expert in hiding behind rocks and jumping out shouting 'You pommie git' and tearing a leg off right up to the bone. (they also wear leather jackets and boots and are called 'Stevo' and 'Bluey'.
2. Please don't believe that the spiders are more scared of you because it's just a load of bollox. The Red Back spider ahs a nasty reputation for hiding in your bed and will jump out usually at 1am and shout 'Yer bugger' and bite you quite hard. Red Backs hate visitors and if you are a moaning POM then I am sorry, but you will be attacked in droves and may wake up in the morning with no toes left. Best you stay in England as it's safer.
3. The Kangaroos wear boxing gloves - no really. They hang out wearing board shorts and thongs on their feet, they drink beer and smoke. They can spot an unwelcome visitor a mile away and will smack the shat out of you. Best you avoid them - they are everywhere.
4. Marks & Spencer is really overated. Please don't come over and miss it, You may as well stay in England and get your bloody marmite from M&S in your usual shop, and the bras are made from underground cabling and if you are bigger than a 36b, your bra will have 'big knockers' printed on it.
5. If you don't like people walking around with no shoes on, then don't come to Australia. You as an unwelcome visitor will be expected to walk all day and every day that you reside, in your bare feet. This includes walking through dog and kangaroo faeces. Oh yes, and shark faeces as well because you will have to occasionally walk on 'their patch' - especially when you are pushed into the sea.
6. If you don't like children, then please don't come because when you stay in someones house, you should respect their rules. And if their kids want to put funnel webs in your underpants then so be it. It is also expected that unwelcome visiting will naturally incurr the penalty of allowing the children to be themselves in their own home and if you don't like it, sod off.
7. All Aussie men strive to be like Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin so if you don't like them on TV 24/7, then sod off. In this house all we watch are Croc Dundee, Croc Hunter, Neighbours, Cell Block H, Home and Away. Please don't moan about the Bill or Eastenders because it is shite.
8. All we will eat are BBQ's and it is polite to bring some food and a bottle to a BBQ and very rude to eat someone out of house and home. If you really need to eat that much without contributing you fat bastard, then toodle along to Coles and get yourself some cat food. Contribute or bugger off - simple.
9. If you want to swim in our pool then the new ruling is that you do it naked and with an audience. The neighbours do like to see the pommie todgers so they can laugh at them. And if your beaver doesnt look right, you will be turned upside down and used as a money box. No towels will be provided so you must drip dry.
10. And finally, if you find hostility when you book your flights to stay in our house, eat our food, slag off our family, that is because at the end of the day, you are not wanted.
There you go Hutch, that one was for you mate.
I love your literature Sam - great writing, amazing imagination. J K Rowling watch out!
But how come I can't give you Karma any more?
Cheers
Buzzy
