MTB

My wife and I have just had a baby which has caused to my wife to be a lot more unsettled in Australia. Her family are all back in the UK but we have been living here for 10 years and have been really settled. We've got great friends and love our life here but my wife would love to be closer to her parents. Has anyone else experienced this after having a baby? Has anyone gone back after having a child and regretted it?

Kingseat

She may just be unsettled for a while. It is such a big change and the hormones in her body will be all over the place. All you can do is be patient and listen and help as much as you can.

Or, it could be a little more than unsettled and she could have PND so keep an eye on that.

Good lukc.

Aussie30

It is very normal for pregnant and new mothers to feel like this. Is a visit from her parents on the cards at all? It would help a lot.

MTB

Thanks for your replies. Sorry I should have mentioned that our baby is now 8 months old and fortunately she hasn't suffered from PND. We went back to the UK over Christmas and spent a great month with her parents. We're both aware that living in England would be a completely different experience to a holiday (where family are always around, everyone is in the festive spirit, etc).

Aussie30

Hi again, has your wife made friends over there? Has she thought about joining a local Mum's group? A lady I use to Nanny for found it really isolating when she had her first baby in Australia after moving from the UK with her husband, she found being around other Mum's really helpful & was amazed at the amount of support she got as well as the friendships she made.

Jan4kids

A new Mum needs her Mum......your whole outlook and priorities change after kids.

I had my fourth child here and it felt so wrong not to have Mum see him straight away...he was 8 months too when she first met him

Also PND can still happen or not have been picked up on at 8 months.....so maybe check for this.

I would find a couple of local playgroups and throw herself into it.....fake it til you make it kind of thing. Life at home with a small baby can be very lonely.

I imagine the trip back was rather unsettling and that's going to have a knock on effect for a while yet I reckon

Stay Strong,

Jan x

MTB

We've actually got a lot more friends in Australia than in the uk, plus my family are here. She's got a mum's group that she loves too. She's very settled here, but I guess there's nothing like your own mum popping in every day or 2 for a coffee. If we went back we'd be sacrificing a lot but I don't want to have any regrets living so far away from her parents. It would actually be a lot easier if we weren't so settled - it would make the decision to go back a lot easier.

Aussie30

I think you just need to give it some time, after a month seeing her parents she will miss them even more for a while afterwards, it's only natural to feel like that.

Fly Away

I agree.

Is there any way you could plan for your wife's parents to come out to see you - maybe next year? That way she has something to look forward to. Of course then she will miss them again when they go... Any chance of them moving out to be with you?

My Mother died before I had my daughter and it was very sad that she wasn't around but I found that feeling got easier and easier as time went by. Tell your wife you understand and that should help her and hopefully she will feel better soon. Especially when that little one is running around causing havoc and she doesn't have time to think!

sel

This happened to my mom when she had my brother (many moons ago now), she became very homesick with the same reasons as your wife, so they upped sticks from a comfortable life in Australia and moved back to the UK.

After my mom was able to think logically later on when all the excitement had worn off and day to day living had kicked in she realised it was guilt rather than homesickness and also then realised that she wished they had stayed, so yes there were regrets and health issues due to wrong choices. Saying that though, it is also one of those scenarios in life where you dont know until you try hence why it is so hard.

Unfortunately it also has a huge impact on everyone around you .... but its a choice only you and your wife can decide so dont allow ANYONE else (especially family members) sway it for you by vamping up with tales of how wonderful things will be etc if .....

Good luck xx

moneypenny20

Not always they don't. I would have been more than happy not to have my mother in the same country as me, however, I understand I am possibly in the minority

I'd agree about the PND though, having the trip back whilst the hormones were still racing could make it kick in now. It takes a good year for the body to return to 'normal' and the brain sometimes never returns to 'normal'

I'd see if her parents can come out at some point to visit. In the meantime, get back to regular life, seeing friends etc. On the other hand, it could be the end of the adventure here and be the natural time to move back to the UK but don't automatically imagine that you will see family and friends regularly. Once the novelty wears off, some people have found that they are more isolated then they were when they were here.

Hope you sort something out.

viviennef

I found it the hardest thing to be away from my people after each one of my children.

My mum came out a week before No1 was born and stayed for 6 months. she came after number 2 and stayed for 5 months (and cared for the baby as I had to go back to work full time when she was 3 weeks old). she only came for 8 weeks 2 weeks after No 3 was born and that wasnt enough.

For me I was not one to pop in on my family daily but having children made me miss them so much. I wanted to talk babies with her, to share the baby growing up with her, to discuss things with someone as interested as I was. I hate my family not knowing my children in the same way as they know my nieces and nephews. But thats one of the hardships of living the other side of the world.

I think you just get on with it but if you feel that way, that doesnt change over time. at least - baby 3 is 18 months old and my mum comes soon and its not soon enough.