Torn between friend and career
 

Hi guys, I'm new to posting on this forum but have been lurking in the shadows for a while. It's been a great source of info for me, and I enjoy reading all of your threads. I'm having a bit of a dilemma and I was looking for some help in making the right choice (although I do realise that it's me who needs to make the choice).

I'll try and keep this brief. Since I visited Sydney and Melbourne in 2006, I have always wanted to live and work in Oz. A second visit in 2008, to Sydney, Brisbane and Perth confirmed that for me. Finding the right opportunity to get there hasn't been easy though. At the moment I don't qualify for GSM and my occupation isn't on any of the sponsorship lists for state sponsored migration either. I have an undergraduate degree and a Masters degree in Biochemistry, and work as a Protein Biochemist. I have thought long and hard about returning to university to do my PhD, and I would love to do it at an Australian university. I have registered for the Study Options open day next Friday to meet with representatives from Australian universities about the opportunities available to me.

Since my trips to Oz, I have moved away from my home town in the UK to London (where I live at the moment). In the past 18 months, I have developed a strong friendship with a guy I met through a social group. He suffers from mental health difficulties and I've helped him through his illness when he has relapsed. In return, he has been a very good friend to me in a place where I have know virtually no body outside of work.

I value my friendship with him very much, but I also don't want to give up on my dream of moving to Oz.

Any advice on making a rational decision would be much appreciated...

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

I personally am of the opinion that you cannot give up your dreams and ambitions for another person, unless they are the one, and the one person worth giving them up for won't ask you to.

I would go.

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What does your friend suffer from? If you play out the outcomes in your mind, what are your fears? You could stay and end up resenting you friend in some way. You may think it likely, but if they are the single reason not to go, then that does potentially put an unhealthy value on you friendship. Are you worried that your friend will not forgive you, or become more ill? Or both. I true friend will want you to be happy. By staying, will not be about to "fix" your friend. They are lucky to have a friend like you.. Skype is great lifeline for many.. I have friends and family that I speak to much more when I am in a different country than I do when I am close.. Not sure how that works.... :)

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

My friend suffers from bipolar disorder, and also epilepsy. We Skype everyday as it is (we live about 20 miles from each other and neither of us drives) and he says it's the highlight of his day.

I do worry that me leaving would cause him to fall ill again, but I'm also aware of the resentment that staying just because of him might bring about.

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It would be great if you could help him to get out and meet some people. Preferably someone with a car or closeby to him. We all need hobbies. Now is as good I time as any to ensure your friend understands that Dependence is not friendship.. You might be pleasantly surprised. If you planning to study in aus, you will have plenty of time off for visits..

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

I admire your loyalty but you also need to consider your own future, most people who move to Aus have guilt and reticence about the choice of leaving those that they leave behind, aged mothers and good friends in my case and my wives. Some view it as selfish and maybe it is in some ways.

You mention Skype, this works well between UK and Aus, time difference allowing you could continue your skype chats, we also have a VOIP account which allows us to phone people in the UK virtually free.

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

Unless you're shagging him - career

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

If your friend has mental health issues then he needs more than just you. Speaking from experience anyone with any mental health issue needs a wide range of various people for a support network, and that should be your focus. Help your friend build his support network while you're still here so that if anything happens, he has other people he can also rely on.

Aside from that, Skype also work in Aus I believe.... ;)

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

If you only 'meet up' via Skype then it's not going to make a huge amount of difference and to be possibly harsh, his Bipolar is not going to go away if you stay, it's a life long thing that only drugs and experts can help.

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

Sorry... This may sound harsh....

You are not the cure nor the treatment for your friends mental illness.

Moving to australia because YOU want to is good for you... And you are what matters most...

You can still maintain an active friendship..albeit long distance, with him...via email, skype etc.

You may even add to his enjoyment of life.. Sharing your adventure and new life down under with him.... Via the net/phone/skype.

Putting off your own dream for a "friend" is too selfsacrificing... You'd end up feeling like a martyre... And may even fall out eventually when you begin to let resentment build toward him...

A true friend will WANT you to go and live your dream....

Unless you are hoping for a romance/marriage their is NO WAY you should allow what you appear to percieve as his dependence on you interfere with common sense

Until 18 months ago he managed without you...



Sorry.... Trying to be as one sided as I can ...KNOWING how hard it will be for you... We all need to be needed by some one....

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

As a mental health nurse I agree with this and the other posts....... :eek:

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

Agreeing with a lot of what's been said here.

Does your friend have other friends too? If I were you, before you leave, I would try to get him integrated with some local groups/support/individuals who are close to him physically. Hopefully he does already have something like this and you will just need to help him expand on that.

As for Skype - I see no reason why, if you Skype every day now, you can't carry that on. Yes, it might mean a slight change in time for one of you(!) but it should be doable. Say 1st thing for him, late afternoon for you. And can't you get Skype on some smartphones now too? Even more convenient - you can chat walking to/from the station or whatever.

Good luck deciding :thumbup:

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

It's great to have good friends but I don't think it's healthy to be so dependent on a friend or to feel so obliged to one. Follow your dreams, you only have one life and without you to rely on your friend will feel the motivation to reach out to others, it could be the best thing you ever do for him.

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

"I value my friendship with him very much, but I also don't want to give up on my dream of moving to Oz."

Move to Australia, and keep in touch. The pleasure of friendship is in having someone to talk to, and to know they are listening. Having them at arm's length is not that important...when I was a lad, we used to send actual letters back and forth through the post.

Re: Torn between friend and career
 

Admire yer friendship with this person but follow yer dream and go and best of luck with whatever decision you come too.