lucy71

Hello,

I posted on here a few weeks ago, talking about how I was dreading telling my mum that we're ping ponging back to oz.

We've been back two years and going back in June this year.

I decided in the end to go up and tell her in person. I've got a son who's three but didn't want to take him as I knew that she would be very upset so my OH looked after him for the weekend.

Well, it went as I expected and it wasn't good.

I decided to tell her when the rest of the family were there (safety in numbers!) and also decided to do it in a public place as I knew that she wouldn't be able to kick off about it. So off to Toby Carvery we went - classy!

I waited until the end of the meal (I was due to catch my train back in an hour) and told them the news.

Well you could have heard a pin drop. No one said ANYTHING!

My mum just said "Oh No" and started sobbing, crying, it was horrible...

I explained my reasons for why we were moving back, tried not to justify my reasons but said that she could visit for holidays and we'd come back for holidays, we can use skype to keep in touch etc etc.

I was met with silence and glares and crying from her. My sister looked very uncomfortable and her OH said nothing either.

When my mum got up to go to the loo, my sis said straight away, good on you, wish you all the best etc. I told her that we have to think about our own family now, and that we want a better life for us all and we know that oz can offer that for us.

Her OH was very supportive and said that we were dead right to do it. He also pointed out that it was a big shock for my mum and that it would hit her hard, which I completely understand.

What I'm dreading is the reprecussions from this, the emotional texts have already started "I'm too emotional to talk to you right now, can't believe you're doing it" which I can understand but it makes me feel as guilty as hell.

I was feeling really upbeat and positive and happy about our move back to oz but now I'm feeling quite guilty and sad and depressed about how it's going to affect my mum.

I love my mum to bits but I just don't know how to deal with this behaviour.

I'm worried that she's going to really upset my son with her crying etc when we go up for a holiday at easter and I suspect that the emotional stuff from her is going to get much worse.

I'm not a hard nosed person, I love my family a lot but can see a good life for us in oz and want to take the opportunity to move back while we're young, even though I know it's very sad for those who are left behind.

I don't mean to ramble on, but I really don't know what to do about it, we've got so much to sort out, but I feel as if I can't think straight about anything.

If there's anyone out there who's had similar problems with their family, I'd love to hear from you, as I'm feeling a bit alone about it all at the moment.

thanks, Lucy

Kayelem

Hi. firstly I bet you had trouble eating that meal prior to telling your mum! My mum isn't too pleased that we are going to OZ with our 3 kids in June. She's coming round though. She keeps trying to find out from people who've been all the bad bits and tells us immediately in a hope I think that we will change our minds. She getting over it by opening a savings account so she can come and see us. We set her up on Skype and told her that we are going for 2 years initially and then decide at the end what we want to do stay or come back to UK so she's hoping we come back after 2 years. It never going to be easy but it's your life and this is what people keep telling us, and it is. We are different from our mums generation where people lived in the same place for life and in the same job and families lived nearby. I hope your Mum comes around soon and you can enjoy having some quality time together before you go. Good Luck

koalakim

Hi Lucy

I do feel for you! Especially as she thought she had you home for good!

We put off telling my folks until we knew we were definitely going as our thinking was why upset them if we decide not to go (took us 3 years after we got the visa to finally make up our minds!) but then they got all upset at us keeping even thinking about it from them. So whatever you can't win!

She still has your sister and her family at least whereas I'm an only child and there is no other family so it was hard on my folks.

I hope she comes round, mine have now accepted it and we keep in touch with Skype video each week and we have been back each year (although I don't think we can afford to keep it up!) as they won't come out. I've said to them it's probably not forever as we don't know if we'll be here long, long term.

However, you are right you have to look after your own little family and things are different these days.

Good luck and I hope she mellows soon!

KK

Petals

Stick to your guns, why oh why do we think we own children they are only on loan and their happiness is the most important thing.

Just because we do not live in each other's pockets does not mean there is no love. Keeping in touch is so easy these days.

Being a mum of adult children I find a lot of mums very selfish, we have had our lives, done what we liked and now its our childrens turn.

We will be fine in our old age there are so many facilities, and so much support for us as we age these days we do not need to take up our childrens time.

Good luck

jad n rich

Weve been in OZ 10 bloody years and my mother doesnt even send us a christmas card, the kids got bd cards at first now she ignores them too.

Went over at xmas, extended family fine but my mother was really rude, got to door, no hugs she just stared at us asked if we could come in and she says ' suppose so' . She also makes up stuff were supposed to have done and said which makes us look mean and uncaring towards her, at one stage we were supposed to have visited the UK to get her money I mean for FFS were hardly poor, its just so stupid. But its her way of getting back at me for taking the kids away, ( only grandkids ).

She wont ever get over it, so I attempt to excuse her behaviour as obviously what we did hurt her beyond comprehension.

It pisses me off though when she stirs up my bros and sisters up and tries to suck them into the saga.

Not an easy situation, all you can try to do is see it from both sides

moneypenny20

That is so sad. Because of something you did, at the time believing it was the best thing for your family, she is still missing out because of her behaviour. Cutting off your nose to spite your face only hurts you (not you but her obviously). She could have still had a brilliant relationship with her grandchildren but she has chosen to lose it. I can see and imagine how truly upsetting it must have been for her but hells teeth she's an adult and if she really wanted to have a relationship with them she could easily have made it happen. People can be just plain silly sometimes.

My mother said we were cruel to take two of her grandchildren away from her but my daughter told her that she never spent time with them anyway. She had four others still around her. Two of the others now live in Hong Kong and Sri Lanka - they never got told they shouldn't go. The other two she seems to take no notice of and they are the ones still in the same country.

However she does talk far more to my two on the phone in one conversation than she used to in a year, not that they want to talk to her

Lucy, I think it's a shame that your sister and BiL didn't say those things to you whilst she was still at the table, it could (perhaps) have made her understand better. Don't let her make you feel guilty. She's obviously done a good job bringing you up so that you feel guilt but also want what's best for all your family not one member of it. She should be proud and probably is. Can you perhaps put some money aside for a flight for her to come see you about six months down the line after you arrive so she does know she'll see you and the kids again?

DunRoaminTheUK

My Ex-MIL tried every emotional blackmail trick there is, which was a surprise at the time, considering the fact she is a witch, because witchcraft would have probably got her a better result?

Seriously though, you are doing the right thing. My ex-MIL came around to the reality of it all eventually so time will provide you with a much better outcome. It's just an emotional journey getting there.

lucy71

Thanks everyone for the replies, I read them all carefully and they were full of good advice.

I got a text last night saying that she wants me to put in writing when we decided to go, where we are going, why are we going, that sort of thing as she's just too emotional to talk to me right now.

My OH says ignore it and don't send her anything, she's using the silence over the telephone to control me!!

I'm not sure I see it as black and white as that. I think she is genuinely upset, but I have to admit it's starting to p*** me off a bit as I would have liked her to have at least put a brave face on it and wished me well but there has been nothing of the sort, just texts which are very passive aggressive in my opinion...

I think I will send her a card explaining why we're going and tell her that she can contact me when she feels less emotional, I'll always be here for her no matter where I am in the world. I don't want to have to justify why I'm going but at the same time I want her to know why we are doing it and it wasn't a decision which was taken lightly.

I feel immensely guilty for taking my son away from his family of grandmas, grandads, aunties, uncles, cousins, and I do worry if I'm doing the right thing to be taking him away from that family network but in my heart I know that oz can offer us all a much better quality of life, so I guess I'm choosing lifestyle over family which must be hard for those left behind.

I just think life is too short and we've got to make the best of it while we're here and we've got a golden opportunity to get back to Australia and we're grabbing it with both hands!

thanks everyone once again. There's no easy solution to this problem.

shears

Hi Lucy
Best of luck - can't really add more to the advice from everyone else, but just the point about your little boy and the Easter holidays - don't stress too much about that ... he's only 3, a little bit of emotion over those holidays is not going to have a long-term effect on him. Just keep it all very simple and at his level, no need to go into too much detail. Most of us understand the guilty feelings but you have to do what you think is best for your family, selfish as it may seem!

cheers
shears

joe38

you do what you need to do ,life is to short , i wish i could have the courage to try again good luck

Family of 3

Have no constructive advice to offer, but you have my sympathies - I can understand what you're going through.

My parents tell me that Oz is the best thing for us/our son, but we've been away 13 years already (in Singapore) and I feel so guilty that they're getting old and frail and not seeing as much of me and adored (and very late) grandson. Tonight it's particularly hard as my Mum is in hospital having an operation at the moment, so I'm waiting to see how it went. "Only" a broken wrist, but it's her third, she has osteoparosis, and she's 74.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack, but it's an awful dilemma for all of.

I hope your Mum comes round.

jensteve

Families are funny things. I have been in OZ 6 years. My family say they are glad we left as we have done so much more here than back in the UK, however we are heading back for a visit later this year and not one member of my family has said great stay with us a couple of days whereas if they came here we would put them up for as long as they needed.
So much for family hey, thats the only down side to going back over I really hate to think what my final thoughts on them will be and bring those thoughts back with me. I don't think I will be going back again after this visit.

Jenny

martin83

It's sad that a family member cannot see the good in a decision a loved one makes about their life such as moving to Australia.. Especially if it's to give your children a better environment in which to grow..

I've just done the exact same thing with our 18 month old, and only 2 weeks ago had a second child (which his UK family haven't met yet).. Most were happy and understood our reasons for moving here, but there was the occasional comment.. I guess it's to be expected, but when you get here and settled you'll know you've made the right choice.. As soon as I saw my daughter running up and down our local beach and playing in the sand I knew that all the ill-feeling in the world wasn't going to change our minds... Best of luck

sormesher

mums are the strangest people on earth. we have only been out here a short time and i am home sick and would pack my bags tomorrow, but i have to stick it out. anyway before i went she was the same as other mums on here and told me all the bad things about people she had met and returned back to the uk. anyway, last night whilst on skype i was saying how i miss home and want to come back blah blah blah and she actually told me that i have to stay as it is better in australia than england. thanks for making me feel missed mum!!